Scripts- Condorman

Figured I should maybe upload the shooting scripts for old episodes.

Alas I seem to have deleted the ones from before Condorman. So here’s the earliest I have. The Condorman script! Complete with original typos by the dozen, differently named minions and even a skit we didn’t film for time reasons….

Announcer: whether you like it or not… HAGAN!

HAGAN: We have all waited for this… A james bond/ superhero movie crossover parody made for kids and starring frank spencer!

Clip- oooh betty. Some mothers do have em.

HAGAN: or actually no-one was waiting for this… but it happened anyway. In 1981… its called..

Clip- condorman! Title card.

HAGAN: Condorman! You’ll believe a man can fly!… and then tumble out of the sky like an embarrassed stone…

Clip- theme SONG.

Hagan- music… swelling… must… act like… prat…

Hagan runs past screaming CONDORMAN with theme.

Theme finishes.

HAGAN (Tired): That theme is too good for this film. Minions. I demand a copy of that in my mp3 player. And a break.

CLIP- PARIS.

HAGAN VO: We’re in paris and animated condorman is flying around in exactly the same way a real life condor doesn’t. He’s then replaced with… MICHAEL CraWFORD!

HAGAN: Since this is 1981, I can only assume that he had a weekend off between some mothers do ‘ave ‘em and the phantom of the opera.

CLIP- ON EIFAL TOWER.

HAGAN VO: As you cna see he’s breaking about 15 laws on the eiffal tower and wait a sec…

HAGAN: A yellow jumpsuit! Its the future!….. wait… its not.. its the present…or the past… you clever bastards!

CLIP- harry and woody.

Hagan vo: Michael Crawford plays Wood, i think its both his first and last name. His friend harry is a CIA agent and like all good CIA agents take sphotographs of his friend breaking the law by leaping off the Eifel tower and attempting to fly.

HAGAN: I shudder to think how much of a diplomatic incident this would cause. The French would start sanctions on anyone who think Amilee is over-rated if they could.

HAGAN VO: Here we have a foreign intelligence agent taking photographs of what looks like a prototype flying suit on one of their national landmarks.

HAGAN: Luckily this happens.

CLIP- BREAKS AND WOOD FALLS TO THE SEINE.

HAGAN: and it can be claimed its the work of a lone nut-job. Which of course it is. How do I know this?

CLIP- HITTING THE WATER AGAIN.

Hagan: He’s landed in the river seine. Making him literally… In-Seine…. LAUGH DAMN YOU!

Clip- hitting the water again.

HAGAN VO: its unlucky that the film stars Michael Crawford because anyone but frank spencer would have been killed by this fall.

Clip- some mothers do have em dangerous stunt.

HAGAN: You coulda cast steve guttenburg and this woulda been over already. Thank you very much!

Clip- woody and harry talking.

HAGAN VO: Turns out that Wood is not just a random crazy with a yellow-jumpsuit0-bird-fetich-deathwish but actually a comic book writer who insists on making sure that every thing that appears in his work can be done for real.

HAGAN: Just imagine if stan lee did that…

Clip- pic of stan lee. SUBS SCROLL past.
‘1961- Broke into Nasa, stole space shuttle and died of radiation poisoning’
‘1962- Broke into nuclear plant with tarantula. Later died of raditation poisoning’
‘1962- Broke into nuclear test site. Died in nuclear blast’
‘1962- found stick. Battered it on the ground until he had a heart attack’
‘1963- flew to Vietnam. Had heart pierced with metal shard. Unable to invent supersuit that works. Dies of wounds’
‘1964- rubbed radioactive waste into eyes. Died of radiation poisoning’

Clip- condormans fist assignment is to help the French govt..

HAGAN: You invade your friends life in paris, jeopardise his acarreer by getting him involved in your illegal activities, worry him by nearly killing yourself and you put your pictures all over HIS house… Wood, you sir an asshole! And crazy!

Clip- harry at the cia.

HAGAN VO: Harry is given the job of finding a civilian to take part in an exchange of intelligence in Istanbul.

Clip- hey wood, you know how i saved your life this morning…

HAGAN: Yes. Choose the insane selfish asshole who likes to dress up as a bird.

Clip- train station.

Hagan vo: so harry gives wood the info and takes his hat and shades, carefully not taking the coat that makes him look like a flasher.

HAGAN: Im wondering. Why does the cia branch in paris have to handle a meet up in turkey?. And whys there a cia branch in paris? And do the French know?

CLIP- Instanbul….

HAGAN VO: Because there is nothing interesting at all about turkey except belly dancers thats what we get to set the scene in Istanbul. The meet up is in a bar, its obviously a cod-turkish place designed for tourists with too much money and no wish to see the real turkey.

Clip- wood knocks a guy over.

HAGAN VO: Wood quickly attracts the ire of a local but he quickly losses interest in assaulting him when he almost lands in the lap of a woman.

HAGAN: Like music soothes the savage beast, a wmans beauty can sooth the savage turk? Or bad editing?

Clip- wood looking at Natalia. I believe we have something we can give each other. WOOD DUB: You are WAAAAY too attractive to be Turkish!

Clipo- talking.

Hagan vo: This is Natalia, woods soviet contact and… wait…

HAGAN: I sense forced zaniness approaching like a giant… zany thing…

Clip- i’ll have one of those.. a triple.

HAGAN: The zaniness has passed… but it will be back. It always comes back..

HAGANVO: Like all good psychos given the job of being a civilian giving papers for the kgb to a soviet civilian in Istanbul Wood decides to lie and claim he’s a spy, possibly sending the entire plan into danger.

Clip- your not a spy? No.

HAGAN: Wait.. WAIT! Its back. The zaniness has returned. STRONGER THAN EVER!

Clip- Istanbul express. Does the name condorman mean anything. He blows on fire.

HAGAN: The zaniness. IT BURNS!

CLIP- CONDORMAN? YES. BLOWS FIRE.

HAGAN: AHHHH! TOO MUCH!

Screen goes black.

HAGAN is lying on a sofa. Minion is sitting side her on a chair, wearing glasses over balaklava and using notepad..

HAGAN: And then he drank the drink and breathed fire!

MINION puts down notebook.

MINION: He spat fire?!

CUT TO MINION lying on HAGAN lying on sofa. Other minion beside on chair with notepad and glasses.

MINION1: And then she said ‘ And then he drank the drink and breathed fire!’

MINIOPN WITH GLASSES: Really? And what does she say now?

HAGAN is muffled.

MINION gets up slightly.

HAGAN: She says that if you don’t get off me you will both have your cocks made into Christmas decorations, WHILE THEIR STILL ATTACHED TO YOU.

HAGAN back to reviewing.

HAGAN: Seeing the world from underneath a massive whale of a man made me re-evaluate just how bad that scene was. Continue the film.

Clip- soviets walk towards them. Arrow towards the guy who looks like hes grabbing his crotch.

HAGAN: What the hell is that guy doing?!

Clip- WOODY gets attacked and fights back.

Hagan vo: for some reason a gang of soviet agents attack wood.

HAGAN: Perhaps they have an evil asshole detector.

Clip- wood defeats them.

HAGAN: Wow. He’s a master of the ancient martial art of beating people up by utilising his shitness!

Clip- red dwarf Cassandra ‘Harness your stupidity, sir! Employ your witlessness! Use your empty-headed, simplistic brain and come up with a solution!’

CLIP- Im sorry i had to get so violent…

HAGAN VO: So Natalia is now… incredibly turned on… and they exchange papers even though…

HAGAN: SOVIET AGENTS JUST TRIED TO KILL HIM!

Clip- wood and Natalia

HAGAN VO: I’m genuinely confused. Why did the soviets try to kill him even though he was there only to meet up with a soviet and exchange papers for the kgb and why did he exchange the papers after the soviets tried to kill him?!

HAGAN: The cold war makes my brain hurt.

Clip- Natalia returning home.

HAGAN VO: Natalia returns home and.. its quite that bit in true lies where Jamie-lee Curtis does the striptease. But without the strip-tease. Or Arnold scwarzenneger. Or Jamie-Lee Curtis.

HAGAN: In fact its a lot not like that bit in true lies.

Clip- light goes on. Its oliver reed.

HAGAN VO: Natalia reacts like most women who return home and find oliver reed with a whiskey sitting in her living room.

Clip- she sighs.

HAGAN VO: She sighs and prepares for the worst.

Clip- Natalia and reed talking.

HAGAN VO: It turns out that Natalia was a kgb agent and oliver reed is her boss. She tells him about the ‘top cia agent’ condorman.

HAGAN: She can’t tell the difference between Jason bourne and jerry lewis. No wonder they lost the cold war.

Clip- paris.

HAGAN VO: Back in Paris wood spends his time being even more creepy than ever by drawing massive pictures of Natalia and in accidentally reveals a hell of a lot about his psychology by putting her in spandex and dubbing her ‘Laser Lady’…

Clip- ‘harry, my laser lady’

HAGAN: Wood. You invaded his life, took over his apartment, nearly got him in trouble for helping you break the law, possibly ruined his career by telling the soviets you were a secret agent, stole his bed and now you’re trying to wake him up to show him your hand-drawn porn. Fuck you, sir. Fuck you!

Clip- who is codorman… Donald duck etc.

HAGAN: Harry thinks the cia doesn’t know Donald duck doesn’t exist. Perhaps he doesn’t need wood to ruin his career.

Clip- harry and russ.

HAGAN VO: The cia have been contacted by a Russian agent called ‘the bear’ who wants to defect. They insist on being met by the cia agent ‘Condorman’

Clip- harry reaction (type REACTION. GIF)

Clip- talking about the bear. Wood refuses to go.

HAGAN: Revealing that the Bear is Natalia in 3-2-1.

Clip- you’ve already met her…

HAGAN: Yeah. I’m good.

Clip- looking over comic stuff. Freeze and arrow.

HAGAN VO: the cia boss, harry and wood look over some of woods comic books because wood insists that if he’s going to meet natalia then he simply has to have a load of toys dreamed up for his comic books in order to do it.

HAGAN: You’ve got your country by the balls, wood. Would you like them suck your cock and call it liquorice while you’re at it?

CLIP- RUSS HARYR ND WOOD.

HAGAN VO: I really don’t get why the cia don’t just have wood shipped back to the states and locked up in Guantanamo for fucking around with their international espionage. Sure camp x-ray didn’t exist then but they could tie him to a tree in the jungle or something.

HAGAN: And wood, i heard the music when you saw Natalia. You love her, and yet you are putting your need to try out your stupid toys over her well being and possibly her life. You are SUCH an asshole.

VOICE FROM THE SIDE (ALEISTER)

ALEISTER: I was involved in Condorman!

HAGAN (looks to side): What?

ALEISTER is standing beside a table.

ALEISTER: I was involved on condorman.

ALEISTER: I was understudy to the assistant backup Waiter when condorman was on stage in the old vic.

ALESITER: I stole the costume.

ALEISTER: I was too tight in the crotch.

HGAGAN: Alesiter…

ALEISTER: Yes.

HAGAN: What ddi I say earlier?

ALEISTER: That I could watch if I shut up

HAGAN: And?

ALEISTER: And sat underneath the table.

HAGAN: Are you shutting up?

ALEAISTER: Nope!

HAGAN: Are you underneath the table?

ALEISTER CHECKS AROUND TO SEE IF HE’S UNDERNEATH THE TABLE. He’s not.

ALEISTER: Nope!

ALEISTER: OH! You want me..

HAGAN Nods.

HAGAN: Yes. Underneath the table.

ALEISTER goes underneath the table.

HAGAN goes to continue review.

ALEISTER FROM THE SIDE: I still have the costume!

HAGAN motions to minions, points at ALEISTER. Minions walk past HAGAN as she stares at camera. Sound of tape.

HAGAN looks over to ALEISTER, he’s been tied up with tape to the table (also covering mouth)

CLIP- YUGOSLAVIA.

HAGAN VO: So we’re now in the country formerly known as Yugoslavia Wood is dressed up as an old man. This allows Michael Crawford to indulge in his ‘silly old gypsy man shtick’

HAGAN: Amazingly Natalia doesn’t look embarrassed by this.

CLIP- got the driop on by baddies. DUB: ‘Hello, we are ivan and Dmitri and we will be your villains minions for this scene’

Hand over your weapons. I don’t have one condorman doesn’t carry a gun.

HAGANl: Condorman is a moron.

CLIP- ITS GAAINST MY CODE.

HAGAN: You mean its funnier to destroy peoples lives without firing at them.

Clip- all i ahevis my trusty old cane. Shoots. INSERT SHOTS OF RANDOM PEOPLE BEING SHOT FROM OTHER FILMS.

Hagn- escaping.

HAGAN VO: So they escape in… A GYPSY CARAVAN.

HAGAN shrugs shoulders.

HAGAN VO: its so romantic.

HAGAN: hey wood, are you going to tell her about your refusal to save her unless you got your shiny toys, you awful jackass..

Clip- oliver reed yelling on phone… broc noviach.

HAGAN: Brok noviatch?! Sounds AWESOME!

Cliver red asks for morovitch to be in charge.

HAGAN: Led by Morovitch?! This sounds as cool as Wolverine fighting scorpion.

Clip- wolverine fighting scorpion.

HAGAN: Or perhaps cooler.

Clip- morovitch.

HAGAN VO: The man sitting in a cat like state of readiness is morovitch. Head of the broc noviatch…

HGAN: Holy shit! Who are these people!

Clip- morovitch.

HAGAN VO: Who is this guy? He has a cool name, a cool deformity, he leads a cool named group. The guy should be a bond villain!

CLIP- VILLAGE.

HAGAN VO: We’re suddenly in what i think is port merion and…

Clip- everyone stand still.

HAGAN VO: And I’m even more convinced we’;re in port merion.

Clip- ROVER.

Clip- people run for it.

HAGAN: They run for it… oh man the brok noviatch guys must be HARDCORE…

Clip- the brok noviatch driving.

HAGAN: The KGB stunt driving team… wow…the exact spot where awesome meets crap…

Clip- brok noviatch reaches them.

HAGAN: Now, to explain exactly how the Brok Noviatch managed to reach them so quickly. I give yoiu… the professor.

THE PREOFFESSOR (EINSTEINY PLAYED BY COLIN) stands beside a board. Gun is pointed at him from offscreen. Make it look grainy like a kidnap video.

PROFFESSOR: Ok. Basically there are several possibilities. 1, there are brok noviatch teams in every city, town and village and morovitch was either stationed at one nearby or there is possibly 1 morovitch per team due to cloning… 2, the soviets have managed to master Einstein-rosen bridges and are able to instantaneously transport the brok noviatch whever they wish… 3, they were… just lucky…

THE PROFFESOR begins to beg the camera.

THE PROFFESSOR: Help me, someone! Please! I’m not a physist! They kidnapped me from a costume party! HEEEEELP ME!

MINION with gun stands beside him. Shoots him in the head.

HAGAN: Very good. Next time try to kidnap an actual professor.

Clip- we’ll never out run them

HAGAN VO: Luckily woods souped up gypsy van has a secret

Clip- in the car. Green lights.

HAGAN VO: Its actually a souped up mega-car a’la kitt from knight rider.

Clip- condorcar drives off.

HAGAN: If kitt from knight rider was a drag queen.

Clip- firing lasers and stuff.

HAGAN VO: So they fire lasers at the brok noviatch but someone designed this thing so that you can’t fire all the weapons at the same time…

CLIP- I DONT BELIEVE IT!

Clip- killing brok noviatch members.

HAGAN VO: So for a mild mannered psycho comic book writer wood is extremely blasé about killing people.

HAGAN: The evidence is really beginning to stack up against you isn’t it? You’re probly a serial killer.

Clip- vs morovitch.

Hagan vo: So only morovitch the leader of the brok noviatch is left and even though he’s right behind him and the street doesn’t allow him any chance to miss wood refuses to use the lasers, flame burst and the other Russian killing devices..

HAGAN: Like deadpool he’s so crazy h has broken the fourth wall and realises he’s in a film. Thst why he doesn’t give a crap about anyone else. Their not real and he knows it. He knows Morovitch is destined to die later on in the film.

Clip- wood escapes. Morovitch doesn’t.

Clip- oliver reed pissed off.

HAGAN VO: Morovitch reports to Oliver reed who by the look of him has gone 2 hours without alchohol. Morovitch begs for another chance to kill Wood and through soviet-psychic powers he tells him where to go to find him and Natalia…

HAGAN: ITALY!

Clip- arrested.

HAGAN VO: They immediately get arrested and locked up by an unthinking and unsympathetic police officer who looks a bit like lance henrikson.

HAGAN: Thats a bit of a xenophobic depiction of the Italians. I’ve been to Italy, they cannot do ANYTHING immediately.

CLIP- HARRY ARRIVES.

HAGAN VO: Columbo arrives to take them back to… wherever.. but its actually. HARRY!

HAGAN: And he reveals himself in front of the Italian guard!

Clip- harry reveals self.

HAGAN: Ahhhh not caring at all. Finally a realistic, xenophobic depiction of the Italians.

Clip- morovitch spots them.

HAGAN VO: Morovitch spots them and unfortunately this is apparently the only vehicle used by the heroes that doesn’t have any additional gizmos. So like all clever people, they destroy a wedding and the reputation of the groom in order to escape.

CLIP- WEDDING.

HAGAN: Our heroes:)!… and why are Italians speaking English at a wedding.. in Italy?

Clip- oliver reed and morovitch.

HAGAN VO: Oliver reed uses comic books written by wood to work out where and how they will cross the alps.

HAGAN: Of course there’s no guarantee that he’d choose the right one. Of course since this is Conorman we’ll just ignore that.

CLIP- JET THINGYS.

HAGAN VO: The cia have left them a delivery of jet thrusters that you hook onto a cable car cable. Unfortunately no-one thought of leaving some men to help them fight off morovitch and the rest of them.

Clip- morovitch, you see them? Da..

HAGAN: Oh come on, your 5 feet away! That is unnecessary walkie-talkie usage!

Cklip- shoots.

Clip- lord of the rings. NOOOOOOOO

Clip- Natalia captured.

HAGAN: That the worst example of a supposed badass woman forgetting she can fight since police academy 7…

Helicopter. Freeze image. Arrow against red star.

HAGAN: Subtle aint they? This is the sort of thing causes international incidents! Unless…

Clip- helicopter.. pix of Texaco oil.

HAGAN VO: They were pretending to work for Texaco! *dramatic cord*

Clip- harry and wood still alive. ‘i may never move again’

HAGAN: That’s an excellent line to use any time you want to get out of a conversation.

Skits done with black and white security type images. 2 people looking angry.

Person 1: Did you suck my boyfriends dick or not?!

Person2: I may never move again

PERSON 1 confused. Fade to

Knock at a door. PERSON3 answers. Jehovahs witness at door.

JEHOVAHS WITNESS: Hello, would you like a copy of the watchtower?

PERSON3: I may never move again…

JEHOCVAHS witness’s smile freezes. They slowly back away.

HAGAN: See? And that wasn’t staged, that’s documentary footage. I have secret cameras in the houses of… ohhhh tens of … people…

Clip- oliuver reed and Natalia.

HAGAN VO: Reed is taking Natalia back to Russia… eventually and he is going to cover up her defection and have morovitch killed. So he doesn’t need to have her killed.

HAGAN: Isnt he sweet?

Clip- wood and harry.

HAGAN VO: Wood and harry are ordered back to paris. Wood decides to emotionally blackmail harry into jeopardising his career by telling the cia that he never saw wood- thereby buying wood enough time to attempt to rescue Natalia.

HAGAN: And more importantly use the rest of those cia funded goodies, hmmm. Wood, you disgust me.

Clip- monte carlo.

HAGAN VVO: Wood and Harry get dressed up as arab steriotypes and try to rescue Natalia.

HAGAN: Not quite blackface. More brownish-face.

HAGAN VO: Look at their outfits, it looks like they opened up the ‘big book of 80’s steriotypes’ and picked the first racial group they could find.

HAGAN: Oh please tell me there’s going to be a bad accent…

CLIP- Wood speaking as arab.

HAGAN: Ah yes the dulcet tones of an Englishman doing a bad American accent doing a bad arab accent.

Clip- wood with people.

HAGAN VO: Now its got very little to do with the story but in his arab disguise wood manages to win 5 million francs in a casino. How? Never explained. They then set off for the Russian villa where Natalia is being kept.

HAGANA: The term ‘Russian Villa’ should be an oxymoron.

clip- boom, rescue./

HAGAN VO: Wood rescues Natalia when harry causes a distraction by setting off an explosion in the villa.

HAGAN: Because if there’s one thing that people never search arabs for its EXPLOSIVES!

Clip-rooftop.

HAGAN: wood and Natalia head off for the roof and wood reveals that underneath his robes he’s wearing a souped up version of his original condorman suit and he intends to fly them both to safety.

HAGAN: I think I’ve just realised why no-one ever found osama bin laden.

Pic- Badly photoshop binlandens head onto woodsbody.

CLIP- I want you. She hugs him.

HAGAN: You masochistic bitch.

Clip- hold on tight.

HAGAN VO: in yet another display of his assholeyness wood has not ordered googles for Natalia to wear while they fly through the air.

HAGAN: Yeah getting shit in your eyes would be a tragedy but shit in her eyes? Fuck her as long as she still looks pretty.

Clip- oliver reed arrives.

HAGAN VO: Oliver reed arrives, 10 hours without a drink and thinks he’s having hallucinations when he sees Natalia on the roof with abirdman.

Clip- wood takes off.

HAGAN: He would shoot but the last time he shot at bird men, he had to pay to replace someones car. And dog. And wife.

Clip- oliver reed fires.

HAGAN: Oh he’s decided that couldn’t possibly have happened twice.

Clip- flying. Bluescreen.

HAGAN: Condorman! You’ll believe they spent 2 50 making it look like a man can fly! Sort of..

Clip- land.

HAGAN VO: So they land and like the rocket thingees and the car they just leave the wings lying around for any secret govt organisation to find and replicate and

Clip- what do you think about me being a dreamer etc..

HAGAN: And wood decides to be an asshole by questioning her just as the enemy are on their tale. YOUR HURT FEELINGS ARE NOT AS IMPORTANT EVERYONE NOT DYING YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

HAGAN squeals in anger

HAGAN: 2 Minions come in here! One has to be called neil!

2 Minions comes in.

MINION NON NEIL: Yes mistress…

HAGAN: Are you called neil?

MINION NON NEIL: No mistress.

HAGAN: Sit in front of me.

MINION NON NEIL sits in front of her. She pulls her gun out and shoots him in the head. he falls dead.

HAGAN: Neil?

MINION NEIL: Yes mistress.

HAGAN: Sit in front of me.

MINION NEIL sits in front of her.

HAGAN: Neil… NEIL BEFORE HAGAN! Mwahahahaha!

Beat.

HAGAN pulls out gun and shoots minion neil in head. Falls beside other minion.

HAGAN: I feel better now.

Clip- escape.

HAGAN VO: So they make their escape in a… condorboat…

HAGAN: Who wants to tell them that condors aren’t yellow?

Clip- golden condor.

HAGAN: Ok. Except that one.

Clip- aqua brok noviatch attack.

HAGAN VO: Soon the chase is on as the kgb stunt-sailing team arrive. Rockets fire, lasers… lase and this final chase/ fight scene can be best described as the final showdown from takeshis castle. On water.

Clip- takeshis castle.

HAGAN VO: Or knightboat and his friends attempting some gay bashing.

Clip- street fighter. GAME OVER!

Clip- knight boat explodes.

Clip- morovitch and oliver reed on tail.

HAGAN VO: Morovitch and oliver reed bravely join the fight once the rest of team knight boat have been destroyed.

HAGAN: But Morovitch falls for the old ‘Use a clearly visable and destroyable helicopter to raise the boat out of the water right in front of a mountain’ trick!

Cklip- raised, boom. People look down on reed unhappy.

HAGAN VO: Oliver reed looks pissed.

HAGAN: Its to be expected. It is an non-alcoholic liquid after all.

Clip- kissing at baseball game.

HAGAN VO: So in keeping with the time honoured way to protect a new defector wood takes Natalia goes to dodger stadium to see a baseball game. Behind them are Harry and the only black people in the entire film.

HAGAN: And if you look carefully you can see something strange…

Clip- last shot.

Hagan vo: yes they go widescreen for the last shot.

Confused Hagan is confused.

Clip- DUB- HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF HAVING A THREEWAY?

DUB: HEY! IC AN FUCK YOU AND NOT BE GAY!

HAGAN: So. That was condorman. A film with no end credits. its strange like that. What’s it like? Silly as fuck but it has a feckless charm. Even if wood is one of the biggest dickheads in film history. This brings us to the end of series 1. Next time I hope to bring you more obscurity, mayhem and lesbians. I’m diamanda Hagan and I have to live with it every day…

ALEISTER still tied to table. Gag off.

ALEISTER: I do too!

HAGAN: Ever seen the inside of your liver, aleister?

ALEISTER: Once actually , I…

HAGAN walks towards ALEISTER. He screams fade out.

Epilogue (music- prophecies by phillip glass)

DIAMANDA, 2 minions (SIMPKINS and GERALDO)

GERALDO: Mistress, we came as you asked.

HAGAN: Good. Well we have reached the end of the series.

SIMPKINS: It was a good series, mistress!

HAGAN: Yes, of course. Although shooting the lighting engineer might be order. Now Simpkins, do you remember what I promised off-screen just before the first review went out?

SIMPKINS: That you’d kill me before the reviews finished.

HAGAN: Yes. It’s now.

SIMPKINS: Oh. Thank you mistress!

HAGAN: Well I am the nice one.

HAGAN suddenly breaks SIMPKINS neck with force powers. Simpkins dead.

HAGAN: Now, Geraldo.

GERALDO: Are you going to kill me too, mistress?

HAGAN: No.

GERALDO: Awww (disappointed)

HAGAN: I am however going to have to turn you into a sex aid still in its original packaging.

GERALDO: Oh. Wonderful (glee)

HAGAN turns GERALDO into a vibrator. HAGAN holds it and looks into the camera.

HAGAN (TO CAMERA): See you later….

HAGAN leaves.

Heres the ep.

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