Scripts- Heavy Metal crossover first draft.

When doing the Heavy Metal crossover I wrote the first draft and then The Critic edited it. Then there were further changes done in editing. Lots of things change when making vids and co-reviews often have more changes than most. So if you’re interested in the how things change or how the Critic and my styles change or even to see who came up with what take a look.

FIRST DRAFT. HAGANS DRAFT.

CRITIC: Hello I’m the Nostalgia Critic! Heavy Metal!

CRITIC VO: The sound of loud, thrashing guitars. A material that’s not-known for flying very well under its own power. And a type of poisoning you really don’t want to get. But also a French comic book…. and a movie based on said comic book.

LINKARA: Did you say Comic Book?

BENZAIE (With Metal Wig): Did you say Heavy Metal?

CRITIC: Yes I…

LINKARA: A comic book, that my territory!

BENZAIE: And heavy metal is mine! (Points to crotch) and my packages!

CRITIC: What do you want?

LINKARA AND BENZAIE: A crossover!

CRITIC: No, I’m going alone on this one. Besides, Benzaie… its not a band… or anything musical… its the name of the movie… It was based on a French comic book.

BENZAIE: A FRENCH comic book?!This is MINE!

LINKARA: MINE!

BENZAIE: MINE!

LINKARA: ITS MINE!

CRITIC: Guys! I’m going alone!

LINKARA: This isn’t about you critic, this is about someone else reviewing something that’s clearly my territory, and I wont stand for it.

BENZAIE: what he said. But sexier.

CRITIC: Its not a comic book… OR a French comic book. Its a MOVIE based on it! And its from Canada!

BENZAIE AND LINKARA: oh…

CRITIC: Okay.. now.. Heavy Metal…

TITLE CARD FROM MOVIE..

BENZAIE: Hey, want to review it together?

LINKARA: Sure!

CRITIC: no.. I’m reviewing it!

static.

MOVIE FOOTAGE.

LINKARA VO: Heavy Metals an anthology, mostly made up from tales from the long running comic book of the same name…

BENZAIE VO: Actually that’s not true. The original French title of the comic translates as ‘roaring metal’ in English. They didn’t think it sounded as good as ‘Heavy Metal’!

CRITIC: What the fuck is going on?

LINKARA VO: Thank you for the correction my esteemed collaborator. The movie was produced by Ivan Reitman years before he made his name with Ghostbusters or Stripes. It features performances by a young Harold Ramis and Eugene Levy… and the original music is by Elmer Bernstein who if you listen carefully seems to be stealing from his Ghostbusters score….

BENZAIE VO: By using time travel because Ghostbusters hadn’t been made yet!

CRITIC: Get out of my show!

LINKARA: I’m so glad I’m suddenly deaf to the pain of Illinoisians…

HAGAN: Hey Critic.

CRITIC: (startled) Yah! What the fuck are you?!

HAGAN: Someone who can get you out of this. But there will be a price.

CRITIC: What sort of price?

BENZAIE VO: there’s not enough breasts in this movie. In the comic, almost everyone’s naked. And if their not. I imagine them that way.

CRITIC: Okay… Sold… do what you’re going to do.

HAGAN points a remote at the camera. Clicks it. Benzaie and Linkaras review speeds through. Just edit together the guys raying random things to camera and over footage from the film. Maybe including some disparaging messages for people sad enough to slow it down to regular speed. Their sped up ‘review’ lasts about 5 seconds.

CHANNEL AWESOME END STINGER.

CRITIC: thank you for getting me out of that… what do you want?

HAGAN: I want to review heavy metal with you.

CRITIC: Son of a bitch!

HAGAN has a MINION beside her.

HAGAN: oh and Critic. Sammy has a message for you.

SAMMY THE MINION: Mister Critic. You’re my favourite reviewer. Can I get an autograph?

CRITIC: oh. Yes of course you can but you’re all the way over…

SAMMY throws a notebook at the camera. Notebook flies from camera and smacks CRITIC in the face.

CRITIC: owwwww. How did you do that?!… So who should I make it out to?

HAGAN shoots SAMMY.

HAGAN: You can stop that now. He had the wrong favourite. Ready to go?

CRITIC: not really, no.

Clip- the Columbia logo.

HAGAN VO: Whenever I see that old logo, I always subconsciously put the audio from Ghostbusters over it.

Clip- Columbia logo, dub over the audio from the Columbia logo at the start of Ghostbusters.

HAGAN VO: Isn’t that better? Sounds less naked now. We open on a star-field.

CRITIC VO: Space!… the barely moving frontier… that might as well just be a still image we very slowly zoom into. There’s a mysterious voice explaining some stuff that sounds important but only really raises questions.

Clip- a shadow shall fall over the universe and evil will grow in its path…

CRITIC: Questions like.. why is space so echo-y?

Clip- green thing flies past camera. DUB ON sound of crashing and add camera shake., as though it smashed into the Heavy Metal Logo. Maybe add the green thing to the title. Jammed into one of the A’s.

Clip- sound of lightening, flash across the title.

CRITIC: that was necessary?

HAGAN VO: Over the credits that read like a list of people who used to be famous and people who were never famous… we get a main theme that sounds like it escaped from a 1950′s sci-fi movie and then…

clip- car. Leaves space shuttle. Edit with the reactions.

HAGANs eyes grow in confusion.

CRITIC slowly smiles.

HAGAN looks to the side.

CRITIC nods his head, happily to the music.

HAGAN: (confused) okay… awesome..

hAGAN VO: But why the fuck is someone using a car in space?

CRITIC VO: Not just a car! A 1960 Corvette.. Listen, they have a car in space.. your question is invalid.

HAGAN VO: But how is he steering it? Why isn’t it burning up? How did it survive the impact?

CRITIC: Listen, what part of ‘they have a car in space. Your question is invalid’ do you not understand?

Clip- Car in space.

CRITIC VO: That whole intro was one of the pointlessly cool things in film history. It was like taking the epic star destroyer intro from Star Wars and adding flames and lightning bolts to it. Extra points for having the guy look down to make sure he was still aimed at the right planet mid drop.

HAGAN VO: So the guy in the car speeds through cornfields to his home, which is just as rotoscoped as he is. And meets up with his daughter…

clip- what did you bring me? You’ll see.

Dub- daughter: was it a bright green world destroying ball of doom?

Dub- dad: maybe.

Dub- daughter: Or a pony?!

Clip- the daughter and dad.

HAGAN VO: This guys idea of driving home involves an orbital drop, he’s clearly not sane. Besides. Look.. he has the cold, dead eyes of an animated paedophile. I’m just saying that if he doesn’t get melted by a macguffin soon…

HAGAN: I think he’ll be getting her to ride his space shuttle… all night long.

Clip- opens box;. Melted.

Dub- daughter: Did you get me a puppy? (beat) why’d the puppy melt you?

Clip- do not try to escape. You are under my control.

CRITIC: (impersonating green thing) Even though I could clearly melt you like I did your father, Id rather use you as a linking device for the following anthology of stories!

CRITIC does evil laugh as the Green thing.

Clip- I AM THE SUM OF ALL EVILS.

CRITIC: and I can see right up your dress.

HAGAN: funny, I thought Harry Plinkett would be taller. And less phosphorescent.

HAGAN VO: So the green thing shows the girl and by extension- us the first of the stories. And we see the answer to a question that’s haunted the minds of people since… 1990… what would happen if a captain planet villain stopped trying to pollute the world and instead spent their fortune looking for shit!

CRITIC: How the fuck does that helmet-metal detector even work?!

CRITIC VO: Through using his cartoonishly huge ferngullian digger and his slave army of Bird-Jawas he finds the… green… glowy thing…

clip- melt.

Clip- MOM AND DAD SAVE THE WORLD. Guard bends down beside a light grenade. Reads the words on it. ‘Pick me up’. He picks it up and is disintegrated.

HAGAN VO: Its somehow taken to New York of the future! … even though it kind of melts anyone who gets close to it and the film suddenly turns into a film Noir.

Clip- my name is harry canyon. I drive a cab.

Clip- Okay sucker, hand over your cash. Now. Melted.

CRITIC: Ok. That 3s.. I am officially starting a Melting counter. There was the Pedo-dad, the bird-Jawa and the lost London punk.

HAGAN VO: The green glowy things been put on display in a museum, which makes total sense… because one thing museums are known for is exhibits that can kill people.

Picture of a museum exterior.

Dub: Welcome to the grand opening of our artificial black hole. (sound of sucking and screaming) Oh my god, why didn’t I think this through?! The world is over!

CRITIC VO: but against all probability the man who found and put the green glowy thing on display is killed by gangsters.

HAGAN VO: if Steve Irwin can be killed by a stingray then any-thing’s possible.

CRITIC: Or maybe being a curator is just more dangerous than I thought.

HAGAN VO: The guys daughter escapes to The Cab drivers car, their now after her because with him dead she’s the only one who knows where it is. Even though its on display at the museum.

Clip- YOU CAN TELL ‘EM. SHES ASLEEP. AH SHIT. Just WHAT I NEEDED.

HAGAN (as Canyon) : Ah shit. A narcoleptic!

CRITIC VO: The cabbie takes her to a police station, past 4 prostitutes who all look like rupaul to varying degrees and receives quality service of the like you’d expect… In Detroit.

Clip- thousand bucks a day for a full investigation.

CRITIC: Oh hi John Candy.

CLIP- thanks for nothing.

CRITIC VO: The cabby takes her home, we see he has the same taste in beer as the Angry Video Game Nerd and as per usual for a woman who’s just had her father murdered… she suddenly wants to have sex with someone!

Clip- Harry can I sleep with you. gets undressed.

HAGAN: You in the audience cant see it but her pubes look like a vagina shield.

HAGAN VO: You know, I don’t see this working. She’s just lost her dad, why is she horny?

CRITIC VO: never seen any noir’s have you? The leading woman’s always horny.

HAGAN: No, I’m going to test this. I’m going to Kill some woman’s father and see if she’ll sleep with me.

HAGAN walks off.

Clip- wheres the girl?

CRITIC VO: so the woman left at some point in the night and… what is with the cops jockstraps?! Later on, in his taxi The Cabby meets the alien gangsters who killed the woman’s dad and want to buy the glowy thing off her. Alien gangsters so intimidating the Cabbies too sacred to use his TAXI-LASER to kill them.

CRITIC: What’s the point of installing that thing if when you get an actual villain in there you don’t use it?!

CLIP- trans-comm service… message service…

CRITIC VO: and maybe I’m stupid but what sort of a guy can afford a disintegration ray in his cab but not email?! So he meets the woman at the statue of liberty. He agrees to help her exchange it with the gangsters. The exchange is made and of course… the obvious happens…

CLIP- GANGSTER IS MELTED.

CRITIC: oh no! The thing that’s most famous for melting people who touch it melted me after I touched it! Whoever could have conceived of such a thing?! (beat) oh and…

CRITIC taps corner of screen and the melting counter goes up.

CRITIC VO: So the woman turns against the cabbie and gets melted… and the greeny-glowy thing is on its way again. Why didn’t it just do that earlier? Or did it like the constant string of visitors coming to stare at it.. and stand in melting distance…

CRITIC: Wow. I answered my own question there, didn’t I?

HAGAN returns. Black eye.

HAGAN: What did I miss?

CRITIC: 2 meltings. What the hell happened to your eye?!

HAGAN: She didn’t want to sleep with me.

CRITIC: Well.. did she know you killed her dad?

HAGAN: Yeah, I did it in front of her.

CRITIC: That Might have been the problem.

Clip- green glowy thing in the house with the girl. I HAVE CHOSEN YOU BECAUSE YOU POSSESS POWERS YOU DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND.

HAGAN: From how wide you can get your mouth, I’m guessing they include fellatio.

CRITIC: No, that’d mean she’d be bad at it.

HAGAN: Really?

CRITIC: Yeah… why are talking about this?! Next scene!

Clip- kid being a nerd.

CRITIC VO: this nerds… called den and is being a nerd… barely stopping himself rant about video games on the internet and constantly name dropping nerdy things… he’s a nerd, okay?

CLIP- Maybe tonight Id hit the jackpot.

HAGAN: He’s finally going to try and create the perfect woman.

CRITIC VO: But nerd or not he doesn’t realise that a BRIGHT GREEN GLOWING METEORITE might not be the smartest thing to pick up. Of course, it sends him hurtling through time and space to the planet Mongo.

Clip- the worshippers at the planet, see through pool.

HAGAN: do you think they noticed they have a hole in their planet?

Clip- No hair… hmmm. Big…

CRITIC: yes may that large, muscular and strangely aerodynamic body be a lesson to you! For now… you are JOHN CANDY: OF GOR!

Pic- John candys head. Conans body. Conan music. JOHN CANDY OF GOR! (For Doug: Dunno if you’ve ever heard of Gor but its like Conan but worse/bad)

Clip- wow something out of the ten commandments.

HAGAN VO: Yes, the 10 commandments… of Cthulu. The random topless priestess orders the cultists to drown this random topless woman, of course Den rescues her and she instantly falls in love with him.

CLIP- IF ANY PART OF MY BODY PLEASES YOU, ILL GIVE IT TO YOU. WILLINGLY.

CRITIC: JOHN CANDY OF GOR likes your EYES! (Reaches forward and plucks, scream added) hmmmm you are lucky JOHN CANDY OF GOR not take your BREASTS!

CLIP- ABOUT TO HAVE SEX.

CRITIC VO: So how old was Den? He looked and acted like he was about 10? Is she the same age? Because… worrying!

CLIP- INTERUPTED DURING SEX. COME!`

HAGAN VO: I was just about to, ya damn furry! They get taken to a local leader, a guy trying his best to impersonate Martin Clunes in classic Doctor Who’s Snakedance…

clip- You must be den of Earth.

CRITIC: Wow. Communication really works fast in this pre-historic world.. with its machine guns… damn internet keeping us from communicating quickly!

HAGAN VO: I just noticed. This whole place is a bit human centric. Both the leaders have been humans but their forces are either the furrys or guys with no heads… All strikes me as a bit racist. And the crab people I rule with an iron fist agree. Because I told them too.

PIC- PHOTOSHOP OF A GANG OF CRAB-PEOPLE. DUB ON A NON-COMITTAL ‘YAAAAAY’

Clip- GIVE ME THE GIRL OR DIE. I CHOOSE DEATH. SHOOT. I CAN SEE WHY THEY MADE THIS GUY THEIR LEADER.

CRITIC VO: So can I, he does after all have the most boyishly soft chest and floppy Luke Skywalker hair.

HAGAN VO: this is why I don’t allow elections.

CRITIC: Fascist.

HAGAN: Yes.

HAGAN VO: Because Kojak the barbarians girlfriends been imprisoned in a glass case, he gets sent off to capture the green-glowy thing from the priestess who tried to drown her earlier.

Clip- guard post ahead. We must go underground.

Clip- this guy gnarl knew what he was doing and for a gorilla his English wasn’t half bad.

CRITIC: wow. JOHN CANDY OF GOR… is racist.

CLIP- they talk of a savage beast who prowls these catacombs with teeth.. 6 inches long…

HAGAN: wait.. the beast or the teeth… because a 6 inch beast isn’t that scary.

clip- attacked by the monster.

CRITIC: Maybe we should ask the giant monster if the beast is only 6 inches long.

CRITIC attacked by 6 inch long version of monster from off-screen.

HAGAN VO: Kojak the barbarian gets into the palace, is captured but turns the evil priestess on so much that her robe changes colour between shots! Of course, they fuck… and while she’s kept busy gnarl steals the glowy thing!

CLIP- BOY WAS SHE PISSED OFF.

CLIP- LEAPS OFF THE TOWER TOWARDS WATER. Add a muffled crash as he hits the water.

CRITIC: Oh well. He’s dead. Movies over I guess. I’m the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don’t have to.

CRITIC leaves through left side. Immediately re-enters through the right.

CRITIC: That’s not how that’s supposed to work. (sits down again) How did you do that?!

Clip- footage from a British TV show called The Goodies appears in the upper right hand corner of the shot beside The Critic. I will prpvide the footage. Is someone in a black circle pointing to the lower left and yelling ‘Its called a camera trick you fool!”

CRITIC swats at the clip. It vanishes.

CRITIC: what was that?!

HAGAN: an old British TV show. Do you want to continue with this crossover or should I bring out the Blakes 7 clips?

HAGAN VO: So Kojak the barbarian makes it back to the clearly evil guys base just in time to discover that he’s clearly evil. Oh the shock of it all. Both sides of creatures battle over who’s gonna sacrifice the girlfriend… and.. both the villains end up dead….

CRITIC VO: With both sides leaders dead, JOHN CANDY OF GOR and his girlfriend leave on a giant dragonfly, safe in the knowledge that all those furrys will probably kill each other in a massive orgy of bloodlust to take over as soon as their over the horizon.

HAGAN VO: The next story’s set on a massive fucking space station that looks like the Oddyssy from Ulysses 31, where someone’s finally putting Zapp Brannigan on trial… though not for stealing Captain Marvels costume. He provides a character witness… but it doesn’t go very well…

clip- the speech before the court. HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD LAW ABIDING CITIZEN… TURNS INTO HULK!

HAGAN: Hanover Fist, Smash!

HAGAN VO: He certainly grew into his chin… and I gotta say its a damn clever strategy to get him off. Soon as it turned into Law and Order: The Avengers… I’m pretty sure everyone forgot what the trial was originally about.

CRITIC: I’m just disappointed that we’ve gone 20 minutes without a melting.

HAGAN VO: I remember the time The Hulk chased Slobodan Milosovich through The Hague. He didn’t have one of the robots from portal to help him out so he got squished.

CRITIC: is another melting too much to ask for? I set up the counter and everything.

Clip- THANKS HANNOVER. TRAPDOOR…. VERY FEW ESCAPE MY GRASP, EVEN IN DEATH…

CRITIC VO: So we’re suddenly in ww2… even though we were just in the future and a flying fortress drops its payload, but on the way back they find out they took some serious damage. And.. well…

CLIP- CHECKS BODY. Dub on variations of Lister asking about his friends and being told ‘He’s Dead Dave’ from the Red Dwarf episode ‘The End’. Finish with a clip from the episode, stating ‘Are you trying to tell me everybody’s dead?’

clip- looks out window. Some-things following us. What is it?

Dub- looks like John Carter on his way back from Mars again!

HAGAN VO: The green glowy thing infects the plane and turns the dead crew-members into zombies because.. it can do that now and this.. frankly is the best part of the film. The idea of men trapped in a tight, enclosed area like a bomber with zombies. It could make for a brilliant film.

CRITIC VO: the skipper parachutes out and its time for the Rod Serling ending!

Clip- He finds other planes.

CRITIC: Amelia Earhart! Nooooooo!

CRITIC VO: No, Just more zombies. And one sudden… TRON wipe and there’s a a meeting going on in the pentagon!

Clip- Doctor Anorax 6 more mutants were sighted in Arizona this week!

HAGAN: are you thinking what I’m thinking?

CRITIC: I think so.. but how could I get Catherine Zeta Jones to dress up like batman.

HAGAN: I was thinking about Insano…

CRITIC: Oh. Yeah. Clearly… mutants in Arizona. His work. (shakes first weakly) Damn you Insano…

clip- guy ignores questions. Walks.

HAGAN VO: I don’t have time to answer your questions, I have walking to do!

CRITIC VO: So their having this top secret meeting about the mutations that are spreading throughout the planet and how it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with aliens.

HAGAN VO: And I’m currently wondering what he’d have done in other… just as obvious situations in history.

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in-front of The Hidenburg. Speech bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that it is in fact a large candle and man has not yet managed to fly’

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in Baghdad. (a’la Baghdad Bob/ Comical Ali the information minster from the second Iraq war) Speech Bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that the enemy are being killed in their hundreds by our glorious forces’

CRITIC: so as expected… mid speech the most ironic thing possible happens.

Clip- it is my firm belief…. in the universe… SPACESHIP OVER PENTAGON. SAD TROMBONE.

CRITIC DOES HIS SAD TROMBONE SHRUG.

HAGAN VO: I look at that spaceship and I just think… Doiiiiiiiiiiiiiii… anyway the secretary and the doctor get vacuumed up and I only hope that everyone in a 500 mile radius gets their memory wiped by the men in black because… fuck…

clip- doctor lands. Breaks. Oh nice job. He’s fucked.

HAGAN: wait, if they planted the doctor there to convince the world there were no aliens. Why did they decide to get him back LIKE THAT?!

CRITIC: how many more times? There was a car in space. Your question is invalid.

HAGAN: Its a fucking…

CRITIC: Invalid! Car! Space! Invalid!

HAGAN: I think I’ll go talk to someone capable of a more stimulating conversation.

HAGAN walks to back wall.

HAGAN: Hello, wall! Why do you think they vaccumm’d up the doctor? What? You don’t know? You think its fucking stupid? Well that’s 2 of us!

CRITIC VO:They also brought up this secretary, who the ships robot immediately falls in love with.

Clip- want a drink?

Clip- post sex. that was incredible.

CRITIC (As Robot): Thank you. Alas I fear my movements might have been a little… mechanical…

clip- transformers the movie. This is bad comedy.

HAGAN VO: How’d they have sex anyway? I’m guessing it’d be something like this.

Clip- space truckers. Charles Dances pull-string penis.

Clip- the ship flies off. Intro space. Past USS Enterprise.

CRITIC: what? Was that the fucking Enterprise?

Clip- flies past Enterprise.

CRITIC VO: its the fucking enterprise! Are the 40s, the present day, whenever the fuck that tial was happening AND the 23rd century all taking place at the same fucking time?! Time, doesnt work like that!

HAGAN: It could be flying back to capture some dolphins or some crap.

CRITIC: Shut up!

HAGAN VO: No. So the pilots get high in the least hygienic way possible and almost crash the ship while the robot and secretary almost instantly decide to get married… because funny.

Clip- It’ll have to be a Jewish wedding. Jewish wedding?

Clip- the house again.

CRITIC VO: I’m just waiting for that house to eat both of them. And itself.

HAGAN VO: It looks like the Amityville house. The Poltergeist house ate itself.

CLIP- You are the future who could destroy me.

CRITIC: This movie is just one long long villain monologue! From the greeny-glowy thing to the one who could destroy him… Here’s an idea, why not just melt her?!

HAGAN: or even better… glowy thing… you can fly. Why didn’t you just fly at her while she was asleep and melt her without talking to her?! (sigh) this things a crap… omnigenocidal… thingee.

Clip- look into me one final time.

CRITIC VO: for we have time for just ONE more story! The glowy thing crashes into a mountain on an alien desert planet, of course the locals… as in ALL the locals decide to go check it out. After all, Optimus Prime could be in there!

CLIP- ERUPTION. Guys covered in the lava stuff

HAGAN VO: Annnd the volcano’s vomitting. Okayyyy.

CRITIC: That’s not vomit, its green lava! Which means ALL THESE PEOPLE got melted!

CRITIC looks at counter. Number goes up until it explodes.

CRITIC cheers.

Clip- a hand reaches out of the green stuff.

CRITICS counter resets to zero.

CRITIC: Fuck! Now I’ve got to start all over again!

Clip- the guys hand out of the lava-snot.

HAGAN VO: Okay, the green-lava-mountain-snot-vomit… of evil mutated them but I gotta ask, how did his fingernails grow so quickly?!

Clip- death to all who oppose us!

PIC OF THE LEAD GREEN GUY DUB: Now… lets get chicken!

PIC OF OTHER GREEN GUY DUB: I’m a Vegetarian.

PIC OF THE LEAD GREEN GUY DUB: KILL HIM!

Clip- attack. People dying.

HAGAN: So that’s what Eternia would look like if Skeletor got his shit together.

CRITIC VO: So the army of evil attacks the nearest populated city, armed with everything from axes to lasers… to flamethrowers that fire harpoons.. so surely the leaders must have some plan, some weapon to beat back the hordes of evil on their doorstep.

clip- SILENCE!

CLIP- animated lord of the rings. I AM ARUMAN OF MANY COLOURS!

Clip- we are statesmen etc. Taarnac the defender. There’s one left. One can do much etc.

CRITIC: So why did you wait until their literally beating down your door…

clip- the army beating down door and killing guy in pink.

CRITIC VO: … And killing your pet Kojak the Librarian before you even bother to call them?! I’m sorry but this is looking a lot like natural selection guys.

Clip- take a clip from a film where somewhere is being destroyed by enemys. Dub on something like ‘why didn’t I remember, I had the ability to fight back until it was too late!?’ (I suggest Ents at Isengard in Te Two Towers but I’m sure there are better examples out there)

clip- we will call her together. Taaaaaarna. Taaaaaarna.

Clip- the mummy. Im-hooooo-tep. Im-hooooooo-tep.

HAGAN VO: And then miles away, on the other side of the very similar looking mountain and plains we have… FLYING…. HOOOOOO! ROTOSCOPING….. HOOOOOO! A GIANT FUCKING SKELETON…. HOOOOOOOOO! A SCIENCE FICTION SET DESIGNED BY DOCTOR SUESS… HOOOOOO!

Clip- taarna walks towards the camera. Takes off her cloak.

HAGAN: A giant-hawt-big-titted-warrior ho!

Clip- she walks towards the statue. Swims.

CRITIC VO: Is it just me or has this just turned into a commercial for the worlds most epic nudist colony?

HAGAN VO: Sensing that since we never actually saw the old guys who summoned her die and if she rushed then she might actually be able to save them she decides to spend the next 3 minutes putting on what she considers armour. Thigh high boots, a thong, a sleeveless bra, a belt and a single shoulder pad… if she’s so OK with being naked why bother change at all? That’s not going to do her any more good than being naked… in fact it might be less effective…

HAGAN: If she was naked she could just distract the enemy with her huge fucking tits.

Clip- to defend, this is the pact…. to avenge. Takes sword. Obvious joke incoming.

HAGAN VO: I am she-man! Big-titted mistress of killing shit! (or we write a better she-ra/ he-man parody)

clip- lightning.

CRITIC VO: So Taarna and her bird-thing make it to the city and what the fuck do you know… everybody’s dead.

Clip- everybody’s dead dave. Red dwarf.

Critic: I don’t even know where that clips from!

Clip- city.

HAGAN VO: Who would have thought that the old guys waiting until the enemy were breathing down their throat and her taking an ice-age to get dressed woulda resulted in everyone she’s supposed to protect being fucking dead? She tracks the mutants down to a… western style… sci-fi bar where everyone’s listening to… Devo…

clip- the band.

HAGAN: Weeeeeird.

Clip- where ya from baby. Dont talk much. Don’t need to talk for what I want. Punch. Maybe she wants to fight. Maybe she wants to take us all on.

CRITIC (impersonating the green guy) : Heh. I’m talking about rape. Didya… didya get that? I was talking about rape.

Clip- kills them.

HAGAN VO: Every time a guy plays a female warrior in dungeons and dragons, they play this woman. Just putting that out there.

CRITIC VO: She flies to the mutant camp but gets herself captured by their… random bird thing net… they had set up in case the main character from Joust attacked.

Clip- have her bound and brought to me.

Clip- flash gordon. Ming the merciless. ‘FOR OUR PLEASURE!’

HAGAN VO: She gets stripped naked, tortured and thrown in a pit with the cast of Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors but the mutants are good enough to throw her gear in with her so in no time she’s escaped and ready to kill the crap out the mutants! Who are of course good enough to send their leader out to fight her alone…

clip- fighting. TAARNA is about to hit the guy with his own chainsaw.

Clip- running man. THIS SAW IS PART OF ME. NEXT IM GONNA MAKE IT PART OF YOU.

Clip- stabs him with the chainsaw. And then punch.

CRITIC: It takes a special sort of hero to punch someone after killing them with their own chainsaw… a dick.

HAGAN: Ironic that.

HAGAN VO: She sits atop her noble bird-thing and faces the green-glowy thing head on… and proves that she once again.. has the power… because her castle of Grayskull moment earlier was apparently foreshadowing!

CLIP- nooooo. House explodes.

CRITIC: wait? What the fuck just happened?!

CRITIC VO: Did that things memory of being defeated just kill it… in the present?! And whys the girl now… Taarna… Is she Taarna reincarnated? Does just her being near the thing kill it? why’d it die twice? What the fuck?!

HAGAN: Listen, its simple.

HAGAN VO: Either she’s a reincarnation of Taarna and telling the story killed it.. for no reason… or it knew how it would be killed and decided to stop its fate by killing Taarna as a child.. and then exploded for no reason.

CRITIC: Neither of these makes any more sense than the other.

HAGAN:I said it was simple. I didn’t say it made sense.

CRITIC: This isn’t a movie! Its a series of clichés wrapped in a script! And its stupid!

CRITICS OVERVIEW:

HAGANS OVERVIEW: Personally, I like most of it. Yeah the linking story of the green-thing is a bit shit and ultimately makes no sense because its abilities change all the time and who the fuck even knows what happens at the end… because the last time I had to deal with a green-glowy orb thing of death I blasted it into fucking space! Where the Kruulaggs can deal with it… but I just went on a tangent there… some parts are very well done, especially the B52 section. And all of it, even in its worst bits are as imaginative as fuck. There’s a sequel which.. is like a middling to bad story in this one stretched to 90 minutes and talk of either a remake or another film coming soon. I hope its good.

HAGAN: Well that was fun, Critic. Want to take a look at Ralph Bakshi’s Fire and Ice?

CRITIC (green-screened into a car in space): I’m in a car in space. For the last time your question is INVALID!

HAGAN: Fine. I’ll go amuse myself with the cries of infants… (walks off)

CRITIC: I’m the nostalgia critic! I remember it so you don’t have to!

CRITIC IN CAR FLYS OFF. I suggest the end credits music is Radar Rider by Riggs because it was the car in space music from the movie.

Here’s the Second draft done by The Critic.

Heres the episode.

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