This is one of the movies I knew I wanted to review since the start. Right when I first decided to do a review show I came accross the documentary ‘Not Quite Hollywood’ which introduced me to Ozsploitation. Thanks to it I got a bunch of films and several ended up on my to-review list (even if only 2 have been done so far).
In the early days I was trying to do a Brian Trenchard-Smith film every season. I stopped with s3 because I decided that Dead End Drive-in wouldn’t make a good ep. I might go back to it sometime though.
I went into this energised because Id recently become the hottest thing on the TGWTG forum due to the Land Before Time 8 review. I think I did okay, I was still quite popular after it went up.
This was the first ep I sent to TGWTG and got me my first rejection from them. Somewhere between this and Faust my show became good enough to pick up. Any idea why?
I wrote parts of the the first half of s2 in a hotel room in london when all I had was a dvd layer, some films and a big note pad. It was fun.
Lastly, watch out for the Avatar of Decent Humours original name too…
The man from hong kong
Whether you like it or not…
HAGAN: Greetings gentle viewers to series 2 of the Diamanda Hagan reviews! To celebrate this unique and perfect moment in history I shall execute 7,000 slaves…. offscreen. (Looks off screen. off screen screams)its a pity that none of you can see the amazing industry of death set up just out of the range of the camera. Its amazing. Unfortunately it will have to exist only in your minds eye.
MINION: We could move the camera, Mistress.
HAGAN: No! We cant!
MNINION: It is easy mistress! I will just..
HAGAN: Touch that camera, move it there and you will DIE!
MINION: but Its just a wall mistress.
MINION stays still. Looks scared. A beat later HAGAN shoots him dead. HAGAN sheepishly looks back to the camera.
HAGAN: Now the movie! Tonight we go back to the year 1975 and the work of the director BrianTrenchardsmith…
Pic- brian trenchard smith. Operatic epic music. Possibly conan.
HAGAN: The guy who made turkey shoot.
Clip- turkey shoot.
HAGAN: This is Australian Chop-socky, this is the MAN FROM HONG KONG…… bitches…
clip- man from hong kong.
Clip- open on ayers rock.
HAGAN vo: We open on Ularu, or Ayers rock as you crazy white imperialists like to call it. Why there?
HAGAN: Because australia has like 2 landmarks that anyone outside of there gives a shit about.
Clip- time lapse. Morning.
HAGAN VO: we seem to get a time lapse shot of dawn over the rock. But with real-time time jungle sounds.
HAGAN: Proof that light travels faster than sound, I guess.
Clip- thin young john cleese with bag
HAGAN VO: thin-young-john cleese is a criminal there to exchange bags with triad-guy-younger-sammo-hung.
Clip- the bags.
HAGAN VO: Very very conspicuous bags.
Clip- roger ward.
Hagan vo: luckily there’s an equally conspicuous cop there to take pictures of them.
Hagan: if anyone involved was slightly competent then the others would be at his mercy.
Clip- ward.
Hagan vo: the conspicuous cop is played by… ROGER WARD (Fanfare) the badass australian actor who by this point in his career… hasn’t yet worked out that a shaved head and moustache is his ideal look.
Clip- sammo hung.
Hagan vo: besides being a member of the triad sammo hung is guilty of a much more heinous crime-
HAGAN: One day starring in martial law!
Clip- john cleese spots roger ward.
Hagan vo: thin-young-john cleese spots roger ward and we hear… 70′s action music!
Clip- action. Ward and hung.
Hagan vo: roger ward chases sammo hung up the rock… hey!
HAGAN: Thats not one rock, that’s… many rocks! What a gyp!
MINION: Its made of sandstone.
HAGAN: What?
MINION: The rock is made of sandstone. It wears down and breaks apart. Its still one rock. Just bits have fallen off…
HAGAN: Well it should be protected by the aboriginal-fucking-gods then shouldnt it?!
MINION: I don’t know…
A beat. Uncomfy.
MINION: Maybe you should just watch the film.
HAGAN: I will!
Clip- fighting on the top.
Hagan vo: ward and hung kick the crap out of each other on the top of the rock.
HAGAN: given that its a religious site. I wonder how this scene woulda played out at the kabaa.
Pic- still from fight editted into pic of the kabaa.
Hagan: probably very badly.
Pic- angry islamic protestors. With ‘behead those who photoshop fight-scenes onto the kaaba!’
hagan: yeah. Like that.
Clip- fighting., ward wins.
HAGAN VO: Because this is one of the few films where a large, muscular white guy can defeat an asian martial arts expert in one on one combat sammo is soon defeated.
Clip- who sent you? Hung answers. Yeah and I love you too.
Clip- music.
HAGAN: 70′s…. rock… anthem….
CUT TO HAGAN flanked by 2 minions. Hagan lipsynches to the song. The minions use tennis rackets as guitars. Intercut with the opening.
Clip- handgliding.
HAGAN VO: So we’re in hong kong and someone’s handgliding about.
HAGAN: now thats a Chekovs handglider if ever iv seen one.
Clip- lands.
Hagan vo: the glider lands in the middle of the grounds of the hong kong police special branch training ground. Allowing the user- a brunette from Australia to become the first notch on star- jimmy wang yu’s bedpost.
Clip- do you often take white girls to bed? Only on tuesdays and thursday.
Hagan: im quite sure that is going to be the source of an ongoing joke this review.
Clip- airport.
Hagan vo: so jimmy wang-yu goes to australia to pick up sammo hung.
Hagan: but before he gets on the plane we get some truly weird ‘airline travel’ music.
Clip- jimmy looking over pix of sammo. (DUB- mmmm fat chinese guy in black and white. Must be Sunday) closes file (DUB- no im on business)
clip- arrives. Handshakes.
Hagan vo: so jimmy wang-yu meets up with roger ward and the aptly named Sargent grosse.
Clip- fancy a cup of tea? Little cafe
HAGAN VO: So they go to a little cafe at the sydney fucking opera house.
Hagan: the other australian landmark that people in the rest of the world give a shit about
HAGAN VO: Now this just annoys me. The obviousness of the landmark placement. sydney airport is ten fucking miles from sydney!
HAGAN: I looked it up.
HAGAN VO: and then theres driving in sydney and parking near the opera house… why not just take him to a fucking pub near the police station!… Seriously. Film makers of the future, please don’t feel the need to put landmarks in your film. I believe that you filmed where you filmed. I don’t need it proven by pointless shots of landmarks.
Hagan: if anything… your protesting too much… and looking a little insecure. As though you could only afford to film in south africa, with 2 days in australia for pickups….
Clip- prison. Oi! Vistor for you!
HAGAN VO: So the australian police have put relations with asia back decades by locking their only chinese prisoner in a zoo.
Clip- taking sammo to room.
Hagan vo: jimmy decides to interrogate sammo by himself.
Clip- fight. Cut to pool.
HAGAN: Nice cut! Lets look at that again!
Clip- fight- pool.
HAGAN: That’s brilliant. Breaking the balls to…breaking the balls……… one more time!
Clip- star trek. Naked time. ONE MORE TIME!
Clip- fight-pool.
HAGAN (giggles):
clip- fighting.
Hagan vo: so Jimmy keeps up the ‘interrogation’
hagan: I think jimmy wang-yu might have worked for the US forces in iraq.
Clip- fight.
Hagan vo: and eventually he ‘interrogates’ the guys head into the toilet.
Hagan: which I… kind of hope he flushed first.
Clip- talking. Cops.
Hagan vo: so sammo hung reveals he’s working for the terror of the asian underworld, a giant of international crime, the man so feared that few who know his name live!
Clip- whilton.
HAGAN VO: GEORGE LAZENBY!
Clip- george lazenby- KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE. I SAY THIS BUILDING IS UNSAFE!
Clip- driving to the court. Grant page.
HAGAN VO: So they take sammo to court to get him extradited back to china. Unfortunately gonzo-stunt-legend grant page has got himself a sniper rifle and is sitting on the roof of the building across the street.
Clip- dead.
Hagan: bit of a crap sniper. Free shot. Time to set up and all he got was one of sammo’s man-boobs. But given that this is his day job.
Clip- grant stunt work.
HAGAN: I;’ll let him off.
Clip- chase.
Hagan vo: jimmy wang yu chases after grant page. Its filled with thrills and unnecessary things like like jimmy knocking a man off a ladder.
Clip- motorbike. Kick. (DUB ON ‘tetsuo!’)
clip- fight chinese
hagan vo: they finally face off in a Chinese restaurants kitchen. Grant page gets his trousers split and shows off his
clip- still. Dub on CONDORPANTS!
HAGAN VO: and Jimmy fondles another mans balls…
HAGAN: Seeing a pattern
clip- fighting in restaurant.
Hagan vo: the flight spills out into the restaurant and…
clip- kick to the balls.
Hagan: the balls again! The south may rise again, but this guy never will.
Clip- fighting. Benny hill.
Hagan vo: so after the longest, silliest fight this side peter versus the chicken the thing that finally kills the assassin is a bottle broken over his head and ending up slightly damp.
Clip- walk and talk.
Hagan vo: jimmy wang yu and the 2 cops talk about the identity of the late assassin, how he worked for whilton.
Hagan: aka… GEORGE LAZENBY!
Clip- I say this building is unsafe!
Clip- walk and talk.
Hagan vo: just had a thought. If they remade this today.. how about phillip gleinster as roger ward. Jack black as sargent gross and tony jaa as jimmy wang-yu. Call it the man from bangkok.
Clip- whilton.
Hagan vo: So we cut to george lazenby who is recovering well from his tom-sellickoplasty and ready to let his stunt man kick the crap out of a group of mixed martial arts experts.
Clip- fight. Seeing whilton.
hagan vo: having established that lazenby can beat up his henchmen the film now lets the heroes go and visit him.
Clip- chatting. Jimmy wang yu breaks in.
hagan vo: so jimmy breaks in, and then breaks the fingers of lazenbys receptionist.
HAGAN: Least subtle investigation. Ever.
Clip- madam im adam. Cutting building in half.
Hagan: ok. Second least subtle.
Clip- grosse yelling.
HAGAN VO: Sargent Gross is not happy with Jimmys methods.
CLIP- this is australia mate! (this is sparta!) Not the 55 days of peking! Hey! Dont give me any shit!
Hagan laughs
hagan: I love that line, the way he says it. You can put it after anything.
Clip- full metal jacket/ hey dont give me any shit!
Clip- Mary poppins/ hey dont give me any shit!
Clip- its a fake/ hey dont give me any shit!
Clip- christ you dirty beasts, thats why our water gets
poluted/ hey dont give me any shit!
Clip- guys at jimmyd bedroom.
Hagan vo: george lazenby sends some goons to kill jimmy.
Clip- jimmy answers door. (Dub: 2 chinese men! With knives! But its wednesday!)
clip- training.
Hagan vo: after beat ting the his attackers up jimmy partakes in some oddly arty training footage. And sees a pigeon. (DUB- A pigeon.. I wish it was monday…)
clip- talking on phone.
hagan vo: wishing he could have sex with the pigeon reminded him that its thursday. A white women day and so goes to see the hanglider from earlier on in the hope of getting some.
Clip- jimmy ‘im lookin for a man’
HGAAN: But jimmy its a thursday! You’ll have to wait until tomorrow!
Clip- lazenby arrows.
Hagan vo: so lazenby is doing his william tell routine and the handglider woman brings jimmy to meet him.
Hagan: there’s an instant attraction…
clip- shots of jimmy and lazenby. Add on dirty dancing music.
Hagan: lazenby seems to be a weird mix of racist and an asianophile..
Clip- I understand your language, culture etc…. I never met a chinese that didnt have a streak of yellow.
Clip- fighting.
Haganvo: so they fight., its not that interesting.
HAGAN: Neither of the actors are actual martial artists. They just pretended and used stunt men so your not missing much.
Clip- jimmy wang yu. Not quite hollywood.
Hagan vo : the star of this film is jimmy WANG yu. A man who according to the film ‘not quite hollywood’- was racist, beat up the director while he filmed his cameo, narrowly avoided being assaulted by roger ward and would eat flies before he had kissing scenes. So yeah Jimmy WANG Yu was aptly named..
HAGAN: Because He was a real knob! (laughs)
a beat.
HAGAN standing. Pleased with self. Spirit of decent humour arrives. Smacks hagan on head. Knocked over.
SPIRIT OF DECENT HUMOUR: I told you to stop making bad jokes!
HAGAN (ON FLOOR): Didn’t I burn you?
Flashback to memory run.
SPIRIT: You think mere fire can destroy me- the spirit of decent humour?! While those who profane humour live, I live! And you profane it… a lot… but… no more…
HAGAN and SPIRIT stare at each other. Dramatic music.
HAGAN shoots the SPIRIT. It falls dead. HAGAN gets up, speaks to a MINION. Who takes notes.
HAGAN: burn that, grind it up, feed it to dogs, kill the dogs, shred them, feed them to smaller dogs, take their faeces, desecate it, burn it, take the ashes, mix them with cement and finally sow the area with salt!
MINIOn looks over the notes. Thinking
A Beat.
MINION: Burn that?
HAGAN (sigh): yes… burn that.
Clip- martial arts school
HAGAN VO: the fight scene ended as pointlessly as it began and later that night jimmy decides to break into a martial arts training school that lazenby owns.
Clip- beats up trenchard smith.
HAGAN: This is getting ridiculous. Seriously, wouldnt this cause an international incident? Someone working for the govt of hong kong breaks into australian businesses? And assaults australian citizens who work there? Wouldnt this cause severe friction between the two nations?
Clip- smith. Alarm.
HAGAN VO: He pulls the minion alarm ans they come running
Clip- mrtial artists run in. add an alarm. Either star trek sone or someone screaming ‘miiiinions! Miniiiiiions!’
clip- fighting.
Clip- punches a guy in the nuts.
hagan: another groin hit! Fucking hell, he’s the real life cock puncher!
Clip- cock puncher.
Clip- fighting and escape.
Hagan vo: so jimmy decides that 30 guys with bladed weapons is too much for him and runs.
HAGAN: Bruce Lee, Tony Jaa or Mas Oyama would have stayed. They would have made their enemies bleed. They would have made them feel fear.
Clip- he’s saved by some kids in a van.
HAGAN: Luckily not the kids from children of the living dead
clip- abbot hayes! Crash.
Clip- take him to vet
hagan vo: the kids take jimmy to a vet.
Hagan: no comment.
Clip- jimmy recuperating.
HAGAN VO: So jimmy re-cooperates and falls in love with one of the kids.
Clip- montage. Can I make love to you? I think I could stand the pain.
Hagan: in the cheesiest and least subtle way possible.
Clip- mmm this is nice. What did you expect, accupuncture?
Clip- transformers the movie ‘this is bad comedy’
Clip- Sargent grosse and the handglider woman.
HAGAN VO: In order to convince the audience that she has a point in the film sargent grosse goes to see the handglider woman.
Clip- small population and he’s getting through them very fast.
HAGAN: Yeah. He’s killed something like 12% already.
Clip- cars.
Hagan vo: lazenby sends his elite driving team to kill jimmy.
HAGAN: In rather crappy looking vehicles…
clip- her dead. Him pissed.
HAGAN VO: The woman he just met and just fell in love with dies in the crash and he decides to get his vengeance on.
Clip- gets into car. Driver.
Hagan vo: so they drive. Drive-drive-drive. Drive. Boom. Drive-drive-drive… drive-drive-drive. SMASH! Driiiiiiive-drive-drive. BOOM!
Clip-roger ward and sargent gross inspect some of the damage done by jimmy in the car chase.
Hagan vo: roger ward and Sargent gross inspect some of the damage done by jimmy in the car chase. Why? It gives gross a chance to show off his prototype fessick the giant look.
Clip- princess bride. Fessick.
Clip- handgliding.
Hagan vo: jimmy goes to see the handgliding woman and borrows the glider form the start of the film and uses it to get into george lazenbys penthouse on the top floor of a skyscraper.
HAGAN: I knew it. Chekovs handglider.
CLIP- GETS INTO THE PENTHOUSE.
HAGANVO: So jimmy and lazenby face off. The sub-bruce lee versus the worst james bond. Bad acting versus bad acting. Able stuntman versus able stuntman.
Clip- fighting. Jimmy hits lazenby. (dub: tHATS FOR THE RETURN OF THE MAN FROM UNCLE! THATS FOR GAME OF DEATH! THATS FOR HER MAJESTYS SECRET SERVICE!
Clip- safe
Hagan vo: so while lazenby is napping jimmy takes a look in the safe. Its filled with enough munitions to blow up a skyscraper.
HAGAN: Which of course it will end up doing:)
hagan vo: jimmy arranges for lazenby to have one of the funnier deaths in film history.
Clip- attaches grenade. Pin comes out. Locks him in safe. Escapes. What do you do for an encore? Booooom!
HAGAN: and like I said earlier, jimmy is a operative of the hong kong govt he has been beating up austrlian citizens, killing them, speeding, stealing cars, destroying property and now has bombed one of their skyscrapers. Would it be inconceivable to see something like this in the next few days?
CLIP- DAY TODAY. WAR SKIT.
HAGAN: So that was the man from hong kong. Far from my favourite chopsocky film- that’s fist of fury but a solid bit of action from brian-trenchard smith. Its one of the great films that never was. Originally it was supposed to star bruce lee. I can just imagine how brilliant that would have been. Alas we were left with jimmy wang yu, who can be best described as… not bruce lee… I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day…
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Hm, there’s an interesting change from the script to the actual episode right at the beginning. The script calls for Hagan to be sheepish about the not-really-4000-executions thing, but in the actual review, she is much more stoic. Maybe I’m looking into this too deeply, but I find it symptomatic for the formative stages of the character. I think that she did become a colder and more in-control when compared to the earlier works, the character becoming more distinctively separate from the person playing her. Maybe that’s a part of what impressed the CA people a little more later on?
this has me wondering if we will ever see the Avatar of Decent Humour again
in a skit that is. I know she’s still in vlogs
Shes around and still minions. In ‘A Diamanda Hagan review’ she was supposed to appear and lampshade the fact she sometimes re-appears even though Iv not thought of anything for her to do lately. Unfortunately she wasn’t there that day so couldn’t appear. She’ll be back when I think of something for her to do.
Not Quite Hollywood did a number on my movie collection as well so I’m really hoping you sink your teeth into Thirst or Patrick. I’d love to see the Hagan react to one of the all time great jump scares.