This was the last review filmed with my SD camera. I got the HD cam before filming Condorman but decided to hold off on changing the camera for some reason that I can’t remember. Maybe I thought it’d be more dramatic bringing it in with Hagans first return from the dead. |
I’v no plans on doing the Left Behind movies thus far but I’m sure if I keep making the vids long enough I’ll get to them. Maybe I should get on that, because my Christian movies get higher-than-average viewing figures. Maybe because I seem to be the only one who’ll review them.
Anyway onto the script for the Left Behind review. One of Omegas fave eps. You’ll notice that there’s a serious difference about 2/3s of the way through. At the last minute I had to drop a Minion skit because everyone refused to do it. And in editing I came up with the ‘Divinyls Break’
hagan: greetings gentle viewers tonight we take a look at one of the MANY films about Christianity that is devoid of merit. This is.. left behind.
Clip- last temptation of christ.
Hagan looks at minion with controller
Hagan: We’re not watching that!
Clip- the gospel according to saint Matthew.
Hagan looks at minion again.
Hagan: stop putting up decent Christian movies! I know your scared… but we need to review this.
CLIP- the rapture.
hagan looks to the minion.
HAGAN: Open up your trousers and look down…
MINION looks in trousers.
HAGAN: good… you see those wires hanging from your urethra?
HAGAN presses button. Electric sound.
Hagan: now put up left behind or I’ll make it feel like you’ve passed kirk Cameron like a fucking kidney stone!
Clip- left behind,
clip- directed by vic sarin.
Hagan: well that’s a good sign. I’m sure it’ll be a gas.
Clip- we should known but we didnt.
CLIP- FREEZE footage.
Hagan vo: possibly perhaps because your god only warned about the rapture by encoding it in the ramblings of a 19th century religious nutjob who decided that things in the bible meant things that on the surface they plainly didn’t.
HAGAN: Ok rough analogy time. Take a black piece of card, draw a target on it in black. Hang it out in the middle of a field at night with no lights on and then grab a random person and hand them a gun. Spin them around on the spot a few times until they get dizzy and make them try to shoot the target.
HAGAN: Then tell them their an idiot.
Clip- in the end there’s no denying the truth.
Hagan: truth like. Your movie sucks! You have no career and have been reduced to the hetro-life mate of a kiwi with a banana sucking fixation.
Clip- ray comfort and bananas
Clip- jeruselem. 6.00
Hagan vo: And according to that ultra necessary caption we’re in Jerusalem.
Hagan: because when I hear middle eastern music and see the massive gold tit that is the dome of the rock I think… ‘hmmm perhaps we’re in strasburg!’
Hagan vo: Why is that info there? The entire audience for this film is idiots like ME who are reviewing this shit and idiots who believe in the rapture and They are very interested in israel and so know what Jerusalem looks like. Why? Because the fucking signs their looking for deal with israel.
Clip- kirk CAMERON.
Hagan: what the fuck is with capitalising his last name?!
Clip- other names.
HAGAN VO: And his, and theres, and theres.
HAGAN: What the fuck?!
Hagan vo: so we have peaceful crowds of christians, jews and muslims living in peace in jeruselem.
Hagan: well their not actively killing each other at the moment. In the middle east that counts as peace. You know what else counts as peace in the middle east, all 3 of those religions coming together to kill gay people.
Hagan vo: isn’t it wonderful. A bunch of lovely peaceful people. The vast majority of whom will burn in hell for believing in the wrong mythology.
HAGAN: Thanks god!
Clip- wailing wall.
HAGAN: Holy fuck. The wailing wall.. is wailing… literally.
Clip- iraq 6.03.
hagan: 6.00 am in israel and then 6.03 in iraq. That’s a trick given Iraq is an hour ahead of Israel.
hagan vo: iraq, syria and a bunch of other countries deploy their amazing cgi jet technology.
Clip- kirk cameron in field.
Hagan vo: kirk Cameron is playing buck williams, a news reporter. Someone who deals in fact and reality.
Hagan: stop laughing.
Hagan vo: there’s some sort of a food shortage but this dr has created grain that grows in the desert.
Clip- it looks like iowa.
Hagan: get many camels in iowa?
Clip- not for sale etc.
hagan: your holding a miracle crop that could end global hunger and you wont let anyone get it til people stop hating israel? You blackmailing dickhead, have you no idea how people work?
Hagan vo: if someone hates someone. Refusing to give them something they need will only make them hate you more. If you say you wont give it to them til they love you- your just gonna make them say they love you and then break your nose the second they have it!
Hagan: if you want israel to be safe then sell the formula to someone who will pay a fortune and give the cash to israels military. OR JUST GIVE to EVERYONE THE FORMULA AS A GIFT FROM ISRAEL! You cant buy good publicity like that!
Hagan: of course science-beard here had to be a genius and piss off his neighbours and they attack…
clip- camera man. Then Mr Williams please this way. And boom.
Hagan vo: syria, iraq and a load of other countries declare war on the best friend of the most powerful country in the world. They risk annihilation at israels and americas nukes. They travel across the desert sands…
hagan: to bomb a desert and a field.
Hagan vo: actually the explosions seem to be following them. Perhaps their trying to save the world from left behind 2 and 3 by killing kirk Cameron now.
HAGAN: Noble cause.
Clip- run into the shack. NORAD.
Hagan vo: amazing facts learned from films #6789. israeli norad is inside a shack.
Hagan: how the hell does a farmer and Mr CNN get into the israeli military command centre without a yelling at and a beating?
Clip- under attack. No one has as many enemies as israel.
Hagan: yeah. except for the nazis, and the empire, and the shadows, and sauron, and the cigarette smoking man
2 hours later
HAGAN: and me, and the master, and bill o’reilly, and any generic british hollywood villain and that nicolai ceausescu
2 hours later
hagan: and that cunt that cut me up in traffic this morning, and the guy who wrote fear her, and brannon braga and tom rothman…what am I listing again?
MINION: People who have more enemies than israel
hagan: oh.. sorry somewhere along the line I started listing people I want to kill. Serious overlap though.
Clip- the eden project would have fed the whole world.
Hagan: it would have if you shared it, you moron! This is you and your stupid bald heads fault!
Clip- planes blow up.
Hagan vo: so the planes blow up. Well thats what they say happened. It looks much more like someone is after-effecting in generic cg explosions over their crappy cgi planes. Sometimes the explosions arent anywhere near the planes!
Clip- its a cruel; trick. Only one way to find out. Buck runs out
hagan vo: so kirk cameron runs outside right underneath where the planes that are exploding are flying.
Hagan: even though the place was bombed into oblivion only minutes ago. When it was daytime. Let me say that again, when it was daytime.
Clip- flash gordon. Unprecedented solar eclipse.
Clip- sets up stuff.
Hagan vo: he sets up his satalite dildo and tells the world about this amazing miracle. Making sure to fill most of the screen himself.
Clip- to camera. Dub: ‘HEY MAW! Check it out! IM IN A GREENSCREEN!’
clip- bucks mates./ pic of triangle head.
Hagan vo: so bucks co-workers watch his daring report. One of them seems to be a distant relative of triangle head from rats.
Clip- buck woulda filmed hiroshima from ground zero.
Hagan: and stood in the way of the shot.
Clip- buck talks. Old man appears.
Hagan: ok. Thats random.
Clip- cameron reacts.
Hagan: careful there cameron. You almost did some acting.
Hagan vo: so with that the old man walks off into the night. And the fire. And the explosions. Theres israeli norad 20 feet away and no one thinks to save an old lunatic.
Hagan: what? No 20′s style music while filling the entire screen with the sears tower to show your in chicago? Left behind your Losing your touch!
Clip- buck on tv.
Hagan vo: ahhhh kirk cameron on the news.
Hagan: in real life he only gets to do that if he says something really insane.
Clip- kirk cameron with his crocoduck.
Hagan: this guy is the star of the film!
Clip- always do as your told? You should try it some time.
Hagan: I hate that child. Its like jonathon lipnicki ate jake lloyd and was proud of it.
Hagan: hmmm stock rebellious. Wears non pastel colours. Probably not a christian.
Clip- her listening to music.
Hagan vo: and yet she seems to voluntarily listen to christian pop music.
Clip- bucky barnes arrives.
Hagan: oh hai token black guy. Oh hai token black guys token black son.
The room. Clip.
HAGAN vo: the captain…. rayford steele is the other male lead of the film. He’s not a christian so in the eyes of the creators he’s clearly meant to be a horrible and unhappy person. He’s also having an affair with a stewardess.
Hagan: but nothing comes of that because she’s played by kirk camerons wife and contractually they can only do kissing scenes together, even when one of thems not actually in the film. Thats not a joke.
Fireproof- kissing scene. Sub- kirk cameron and wife as kissing double.
Clip- orgasmo. STUNT COCK!
Clip- buck going to meet dirk.
Hagan vo: so kirks character- buck meets up with someone called dirk.
Hagan: the inexplicable names just don’t stop coming.
Hagan vo: so buck meets up with dirk and for a paranoid informant who knows about the bigger conspiracy and is feeding info to the male lead… he’s no jerry hardin as deep throat.
Clip- dirk burton being a weirdo.
Hagan: needs to be a bit more crazy but can anyone else see him filling in for glenn beck?
Clip- carpathia on tv.
Hagan vo: we’re now introduced to a romanian politician called nicolai carpathia who’s trying to bring peace to the world and end hunger.
Hagan: thats the most obvious villain name since Darkheart Rapesbabies. And I made that up. So that’s the most obvious villain name ever. And because he’s trying to bring about world peace but he’s not a fundamentalist christian he must be the antichrist.
Hagan vo: That’s a shitty imitation canadian castle! that’s not london!
CLIP- goodies. Snow white 2. wont someone show me the way to london town. Its over there.
Hagan: that’s london!
Clip- carpathia and all talking.
Hagan vo: carpathia talks to an evilamerican banker that we’re supposed to think is his boss. They talk about rebuilding the temple of solomon. Because thats what evil american bankers who live in fake castles in fake london talk about. Rebuilding temples in israel. (sings- ride valkyries) Dram-dram-draaaama-dram-dram-draaama- dram-dram-dram-draaaama!
Clip- kirk cameron looks over balcony.
Hagan vo: afraid that the film has reached its contractually obligated amount of pointless shots, the director has kirk cameron stand there… and then walk away.
Hagan vo: so we’re suddenly in a plane. The Rayford steele is the captain. Oh god, Captain steele..
Hagan: which should be the name of a superhero.
Pic- photo shop. CAPTAIN STEELE!
Hagan vo: and kirk cameron is using some search engine unlike any in the real world.
Clip- people on flight.
Hagan vo: fun fact, half the extras in this scene are evangelical ministers. They paid to play people who are raptured. that’s the religious equivalent of paying a hooker for kinky fantasy role playing. But not actually having sex with them.
Hagan: which is a silly analogy because as evangelical ministers statistically speaking most of their sex will actually come from prostitutes.
Clip- stewardess. And buck.
Hagan vo: as I mentioned earlier the stewardess is mrs kirk cameron. Obviously they were attracted to each others lack of ability to act while someone else is speaking.
Hagan: im kirk cameron! Im an actor! not a re-actor!
Clip- talking about job in the un.
Hagan: how the fuck does a tall-haired dipshit get a fucking stewardess a job at the fucking UN?! What the fuck will she be doing? Serving drinks in 50 different languages?!
Clip- stewardess and captain.
Hagan vo: oooh. More connections between the main characters. How thrilling.
Clip- women’s husband vanished.
Hagan: yeah most rapture believers think their gonna leave their clothes behind… rapture believing Christians.. YOU’RE FUCKING WEIRD!
LEARNED MINION: in Leviticus 19:19 it says that gods not fond of fabric blends. Maybe if its a single fabric it gets into heaven.
HAGAN: Stop trying to make sense of their madness!
CLIP- OTHER PEOPLE HAVE VANISHED.
HAGAN VO: So a bunch of other people on the flight have vanished.
Hagan: I think he was flying religious lunatic air. He’s just lucky they didn’t try to sacrifice a faultless red heffer when they took off.
Hagan vo: its amazing that none of the people who complain about their loved ones being gone use the person name. Its always ‘my husband’, ‘my wife’, ‘my children’
hagan: almost as though becoming one with god retroactively destroyed their individuality.
Clip- people freaking out
hagan vo: so people begin to freak out
clip: theres something on the wing! (twilight zone)
clip- theres nobody flying the plane! (another gay movie)
clip- freak out
hagan vo: and because no one can break a fucking nail on a plane in a movie without someone trying to open the door. someone of course someone tries to open the door. But its OK because buck and captain adamantium get to be damn heroic together and save the day.
Hagan vo: so the plane has landed at o’hare international and theres an army of scared, worried people who are missing friends family and even their children. But its ok because the one who caused this scene- god. Loves you!
HGAAN: Rapture believing Christians… you’re fucking weird!
Hagan vo: theres even a dog looking for its owner.
Hagan: to anyone out there who actually does believe in the rapture. Do you have pets? And if so why the fuck?! You believe that at any moment you will scooped up into heaven and your pets dog or cat will be left without you. Possibly locked inside and have to slowly starve to frikkin’ death! Animal cruelty is only to be done deliberately, in italy or when its funny!
Clip- buck walking.
Hagan vo: having said all that about the terror and the worry. Half the extras look either stoned or like they don’t give a shit.
Hagan: my, a lot of atheists were flying that day.
Clip- captain house. Buck followed.
Hagan vo: so captain aluminium arrives home to find his wife and son have been raptured
hagan: like the good little glee-bots they are.
Clip- find bible.
Hagan: throws bible in dramatic expression of anger in 3-2-1.
Clip- buck outside.
Hagan vo: kirk cameron followed the captain home decides to sit on the porch.
Hagan: because while he’s an international celeb, news media sensation and award winning reporter he has no friends or acquaintances in chicago. Fuck, even I know someone who lives in chicago!
Clip- night time. Army arrive.
Hagan vo: so its night time and kirk cameron is still standing out in the cold when the army arrive and force him into captain titaniums house.
Clip- daughter arrives.
Hagan vo: so there’s a bunch of tv clips that indicate that the makers of this film believe that the un is a completely separate organisation that controls whole countrys, that answers to no one and is bent on world domination and not just a talking house for different countries, and only as powerful as those countries allow it to be.
Clip-un. sub- international politics. You’re doing it wrong!
Clip- daughter sits on sofa.
Hagan vo: so even though the army are forcing people into random houses because theres martial law and a curfew captain nickels daughter arrives home without even a bullet in her head and sits on kirk camerons feet.
Clip- buck williams why are you on my sofa.
Hagan: if I came home and found kirk cameron squatting on my sofa id kill him with a lamp and search the fridge for ray comfort infestations. Ray Comfort operates a lot like rorsach.
Clip- she cries.
Hagan vo: so she cries about her brother and mum. Dram-dram-dram-drama-dramma! etc (sung, ride of the Valkyries drama singing)
clip- kirk and pilot.
Hagan vo: so kirk cameron indulges in his boring and pointless investigative plot… where he’s… investigating something that I’m still not clear on and iv watched this shit 3 times.
Hagan: once for a laugh. Once for notes taking and one for writing this review. And if anyone wants to to try and explain it to me after this goes up… fuck off, I have a machete.
Hagan vo: he then pays a loud-mouthed pilot to taker him back to new york. Or rather somewhere in cananda pretending to be new york. He finds dirk burton dead and survives a pretty… bad assassination attempt.
Hagan: the assassin thought he could kill buck and wipe incriminating evidence from a pc by shooting the monitor. There isn’t a word in any language to express how much fail this is. Except… fail.
HAGAN VO: You know, iv just realised that somewhere along the line this review stopped being ‘funny’ and starting being…. revenge. Angry, vitriolic revenge…. and I’m almost sorry. But just taking the piss out of this almost feels affectionate…. and it deserves far worse…. so… to get some laughs.
Hagan hands them the gun.
Hagan: shoot yourself in the head.
Minion is unsure.
Hagan; I’ll give you tomorrow off if you shoot yourself in the head.
Minion shoots self in the head quickly.
Hagan: there! VIOLENCE IS FUNNY!
Clip- captain and priest.
Hagan vo: so captain platinum meets up with the token black guy who’s bitching because although he was a priest he remains unraptured. They watch a tape from another pastor, made to be played in the event that the rapture happened and he was proved to not be completely insane.
Hagan: its one long nah-nah-nah-nah! In flowery language. Sorta like the way ‘i’ll pray for you’ is code for fuck you, you unbelieving, un-differential cunt!’
clip- outside the un.
Hagan vo: meanwhile at the UN…
hagan: actually no. that’s not the UN because those are not country flags.
Clip- outside the un.
Hagan vo: any of those look like country flags? no.
clip- carptahia and science-beard.
Hagan vo: so mr science-beard is now important enough to hang out with the antichrist. Carpathia shows him that regardless of what all the evidence says the temple of solomon wasn’t built where the dome of the rock is but instead beside it.
Hagan: why is this important? Because the rapture types believe that in order for the end times to happen the temple must be rebuilt and not even they are dumb enough to believe that the muslims would let it be rebuilt on the rock. God wiping out hundreds of planes- fine that’s faith. God changing the mind of crazy muslims?
CLIP- DOGMA, THATS JUST PLAIN GULLIBILITY.
hagan vo: the Antichrist is played by a guy called gordon currie. Iv never seen him in any other role but this and he plays it like tim curry in congo attempting to be james bond.
Clip- the stewerdess comes to seduce captain.
Hagan vo: so the stewardess arrives to seduce captain bronze. Look at the actresses face- she’s obviously uncomfortable and finding it incredibly difficult to play a woman with a sex life.
Hagan: its not that hard to play someone diametrically opposed to yourself. Take a look.
Cut to hagan acting. On box.
hagan: Im a shy, small voiced short and non violently inclined meek person who loves people in black masks, is greatly enjoying left behind and understands subtlty. Oh and I love the cock.
Back to hagan: . Yasee?!
Clip-stewerdess, capt and daughter
hagan vo: unfortunately for the stewardess the captain is now a Christian so she runs off. captain iron immediately begins proselytising to his daughter.
Hagan: lovely. She gets rid of her religious nutjob mum and brother and now shes got a religious nutjob dad.
Clip- she reads bible.
Hagan vo: she reads the bible and joins the collective- from this moment on loses the noise ring, drops her semblance of a personality and starts wearing pastels.
Clip- meeting in a pub.
Hagan vo: because he’s in the middle of that pointless investigative plot that im still unable to follow kirk Cameron meets up with… some guy… who then dies in a car bombing.
Hagan: byebye whoever you were…
clip- reaction shot.
Hagan vo: I love the fact that after kirk was thrown backwards he holds his ankle and has blood coming from his thigh.
Confused hagan is confused.
Clip- kirk cameron to steels house. Then church.
Hgaan vo; so kirk cameron limps all the way to the captains house in the suburbs of chicago
hagan: that isn’t as dumb as it could have been as the car bombing did happen in chicago. But still… limping to the suburbs! I’ve been to chicago, the suburbs are… pretty far away the carbombings!
Clip- then church.
Hagan vo; instead of a hospital the new Christian zombies take him to a church where they show him the tape.
Clip- ring. Sadakos tape.
Hagan: I wish.
Clip- pastor billings.
Hgaan vo: no its the nya-na-nanananana! Tape. Luckily kirk cameron manges to remain somewhat rational.
Clip- I admit this stuff is compelling. And scary.
Hagan: Minion! Facepalm!
MINION leaves screen and returns with something to stand on. Gets on box by hagan, raises hand to infront of hagans face. She facepalms.
Clip- this stuff is compelling.
Hagan: actually no… thats not enough… Jimmy, do you have anything to say to this asshole?
CLIP- THISS TUFF IS COMPLELLING
CLIP- HEY! DONT GIVE ME ANY SHT!
Clip- kirk cameron getting into the un.
Hagan vo: so kirk goes to the non-UN and through the only ex-stewardess to walk the halls of power he gets in to see science-beard and the antichrist and quickly realises he is in fact the antichrist.
Hagan: forcing kirk cameron to try and act.
Clip- kirk cameron trying to act. In toilet.
Hagan: Kirk Cameron crying… this is a lovely image…
hgan vo: (excited) yes kirk cameron, your worlds shattered, creationisms still not taught in schools, yes. Yes, yes..cry! Cry! Bananas were made the way they are by humans! Yes! Cry! You made up the crocoduck! Yes! Yes! Cry! Yo’ve ot been in success since the early 90′s. Cry! Cry! Yes!
Cut to hagans face. Embarrassed.
Hagan raises hands.
HAGAN: I wasnt. Not that it isnt…. almost worth… masturbating too… Minion, masturbate to this image.
Minion doesnt want to
HAGAN: Do it!
MINION puts hand below shot. Cries and Imitates masturbation. Cut between hagan smiling and minion crying and kirk cameron crying. Sound of liquidy explosion.
Cut back to hagan and minion. minion mask is covered in sticky white stuff.
Minion: may I go clean up mistress?
Hagan: yes. thank you minion.
Minion walks off.
KIRK CAMERON CRYING.
Hagan: Does he actually think he can act?! fuck this (pulls out phone) I’m gonna ask him myself.
Clip- star-ving. Dub on ‘please god let this not be diamanda hagan again’
hagan: Hi Kirk… fucker turned his phone off again!
Clip- kirk in un chambers.
Hagan vo: so kirk joins the UN inner chambers (sub- complete with villain lighting!) and the antichrist give a villain speech and shoots the 2 guys who financed him for… some reason and then brainwashes everyone into thinking that one killed the other and then committed suicide.
Hagan: surely if he can brainwash people like that he could have made one kill the other and then commit suicide. Rather than have all that fingerprint and dna evidence pointing at him.
Hagan vo: the memory is the least important bit of evidence in an investigation. It doesn’t matter if everyone thinks that guy committed suicide, he shot him and the physical evidence will clearly show that.
Hagan: this makes no sense!
Hagan vo: and why the hell are a couple of american bankers who live in a fake castle in fake london who want to build a temple in israel in what is supposed to be a top secret meeting between representatives at the un? And why shoot them?! And why give a villain speech before you kill them if your going to wipe everyone’s minds?! and why does the UN crest look fucking weird?!… and…
hagan: WHY ISNT THIS OVER YET?!
Hagan vo: so the brainwashing didn’t work on kirk because of… magic and he goes off to hang out with the rest of the borg in chicago.
Hagan: there are worse places to hang out. There’s an awesome pizza place near the train station in chicago.
hagan vo: so… left behind. It was slow, stupid, boring, crap, insulting and worst of all the most ethically bankrupt film iv ever reviewed. Yes id rather a child was raised on the messages contained in ilsa she wolf of the ss than on this. Its just warped. AND STUPID! And you know what?
Hagan: if you believe in the rapture do not drive. You think you could be taken at any time. What do you think will happen if your driving when it happens? YOU’LL END UP KILLING people. KILLING people AND SENDING THEM TO HELL. Because everyone left on earth after the rapture are not a Christian and therefore not going to heaven. So please- don’t drive. Put your money where your mouth is and act as though you both believe the shit you say you believe and have decency to not want to send innocent people to hell.
Hagan: and one more thing! Now, I’m not the most ethical person out there.
HAGAN: stop laughing. I’ll prove it. Minion. Cunnilingus time.
2 minions off to side. One MINION comes in kneels down in front of HAGAN.
A FEW BEATS.
Hagan takes out guns, shoots MINION and cums.
HAGAN: I like the spazzing movements the mouth makes as the bullet enters their nervous system.
Hagan: now. I wouldn’t do anything as fucked up as the god of this film. Never! At least when I kill my minions their dead! Tell the god of this film you don’t love him and he’ll torture you forever! That’s horrible!… god of this movie… when your out-moral’d by someone who just shot someone while they going down on them because the like the feeling of the person dying while pleasuring them… you’re pretty fucked up. In fact.. Id make a better god than you.
Cut to other minion. MINION enters. Whispers into hagans ear.
HAGAN: You’re right! I am a god. I AM a better god than the one in this film! WORSHIP ME!
HAGAN: Jesus took 3 days to come back to life. Lets see how long it takes me!
Hagan shoots self in the head.
The Flubs/ Behind the Scenes