And here we have the first episode filmed with the crisp new HD camera. Also the last episode filmed before I worked out the (simple in retrospect) trick that made my face shine while keeping the background darker. Although Lecher Bitch is without doubt a much better song , I think the Urban Gothic theme lends itself to much more dynamic editing than it. The new intro was created as a warning to new people watching the show that what you’re gonna see is tonally a little different than most review shows. I think it works. On a scriptwriting level, I think this was the first episode where I colour-coded the script to make it harder to miss anything when filming, it usually helps. The film itself was suggested by The Avatar of Decent Humour and to my eternal shame I agreed to do it when I heard about the laughable effects and Amber Benson was in it. I think many films on my list woulda made for a better episode, the film was VERY boring
HAGAN lying dead. Comes to life. Jumps up in front of camera.
HAGAN: I’m alive!
HAGAN: Where’s my victorious return from the dead music?!
TEDDY lying on sofa. HAGAN goes beside his head.
HAGAN: WAKE UP!
HAGAN: I RESURRECTED AND YOU FORGOT THE VICTORIOUS RETURN FROM THE DEAD MUSIC!
TEDDY: I’m sorry mistress. I was waiting for a long time. I fell asleep.
HAGAN: We’ll do it again.
HAGAN lies dead. Wakes up to over several shots to one winged angel. Shot of TEDDY with boombox. HAGAN finally Jumps into camera view. With music.
HAGAN: I KNEW I’D COME BACK TO LIFE. (to mirror) And oooh my clothes and makeup and hair has changed. Ha! Jesus never got that perk! And ooooh HD! Being dead rocks! (looks at teddy, over shoulder shots begin) How long did it take?! 3 DAYS? MORE?!
HAGAN: 4 days?
TEDDY SHAKES HEAD. POINTS UPWARDS.
Hagan: More? Much more?
Hagan: 3 years?
TEDDY shakes head. Points downwards.
2 hours later.
HAGAN: 22.5 days?
MINION shakes head. Points down.
HAGAN grabs the TEDDY by throat.
HGAN: I’m sick of this shit, how long did it take?!
TEDDY: 3 Weeks.
HAGAN drops TEDDY who falls on floor. Hagan turns to camera.
HAGAN: Well still did better than Jesus. He didn’t exist. Anyway… HIT THE NEW THEME MUSIC!
HAGAN: (To camera, teddy beside) Wow. That’s awesome. Greetings gentle viewers I’m supposed to be reviewing Intermedio tonight but because I’m now god iv decided that what is in this box (dvd box HELD BY TEDDY) is actually 90 minutes of allyson hannigan and servicing every woman I find attractive. In order of attractiveness. Now (does blessing motion) et nominae haganus. Open it.
TEDDY opens it.
HAGAN: and its… Dead and Dying!… which is Intermedios UK title…(points gun at TEDDY) still! (puts gun away) I still did better than jesus, he never existed. This is intermedio (aka dead and dying)
Clip- dead and dying.
Clips from buffy and or chance.
hgaan vo: Now this review is going to hurt me. Not because the film is shit… even though its shitness is well worth avoiding it for. Its going to hurt me because of the cast. One in particular.
Clip- amber benson
hagan vo: amber benson replaced alysson hannigan as my favourite buffy performer when she arrived. Iv met her in person and I own an autographed copy of her directorial debut film- chance. Amber is an awesome actor, singer, writer and director. But she’s also in this film.
Hagan: i’m sorry amber. I really am. But you’ve got to be punished like the rest of them.
Clip- opening shots.
Hagan vo: we open on quite a lot of very yellow shots.
Hagan: seriously, its like they drank gold paint and pissed on the negative.
Clip- sky. Dub on- CONDOR (insects)……. SKY…..
Clip- snap neck. Straw hat.
Hagan vo:well that’s a good start. A chickens neck gets snapped by a Mexican stereotype.
Hagan vo: in the car we have two irritating children who cant act and their dads. Who also cant act. The dads are going to meet up with the Mexican stereotype for the purposes of getting into a tunnel that’ll take them over the border to Mexico.
Hagan: also- this is supposed to be the 1980′s.
Hgaan vo: anyone there look like their from the 1980′s? no. moving on.
Clip- getting into the tunnel.
Hagan vo: the chicken begins to bleed, the mexican gets paid a hell of a lot of cash and we get a shot of what’s sure to be checkovs hankerchief.
Hagan:and according to the gay handkerchief code I found on the internet that guy wants…
hagan checks a long list on a piece of paper.
Hagan: here it is. Light blue. He wants to receive oral sex. Ok, that’s actually probably true.
Clip- in tunnel.
Hagan vo: the guys are going to buy some drugs. Considering they just gave the guy thousands to use his tunnel i’m wondering how they are going to bring back the amount of drugs needed to make this trip worthwhile.
Hgaan vo: and yes. Their leaving those kids in the boiling car. In a desert. Alone.
Clip- walking, railsback, death,
hagan vo: so an old man played by steve railsback (fanfare) turns up and pours blood from a vial, which turns into bad cgi which kills the men. Somehow… and then we see the real terror of this film.
Clip- presented by the asylum.
Hagan: the people that brought the world transmorphers, nightmare hostel, snakes on a train..and what’s worse is this isn’t a rip-off of an actual film. So there are precisely no good ideas here.
Clip- silly music. Words- FEEL FREE TO COMMIT SUICIDE NOW. Countdown 10-1.
hagan: I’m guessing that at least one person was dumb enough to live to watch more so on we go.
Hagan vo: the credits last for almost as much time as the pre-credit sequence. The music gives up and stops partway through and guess what?
Clip- music company.
Hgaan vo: the composer is a company. Not a person.
Clip- 18 years later
hagan vo: as the sign says we’re 18 years later and that ‘sweet’, ‘innocent’ little boy has become edward furlong.
Hagan: I can only assume that the shock of seeing his dad go into a mexican mans dark hole scarred him for life.
Clip- girl with gun.
Hagan vo: and the grown up version of the little girl arrives. With a gun.
Hagan: actually wait. They didn’t tell us the names of the two kids so I am just going to assume that the little girl became edward furlong and the little boy became whoever she is. Why? Its the closest thing to amusement I’m likely to get in this film.
Clip- sees karl.
Hagan vo: and… her t-shirt says karl…
HAGAN: maybe iv accidentally picked up on something subtle and deliberate. Sort of.
Clip- sound of knock. amber benson arrives.
Hagan vo; so amber benson arrives..
hagan by a chair. Person in chair. Sheet over it
Hgaan: and this is as good a time as any to reveal…
MINION pulls cover off chair and person (gagged).
HAGAN: THE lesbotron 9,001! basically because amber benson is at her best when playing a lesbian i’v decided to fairly react to her sexuality in this film. This lovely person… who the minions have reliably informed me is called ‘help me!, let me go.. please’ will suffer every ten minutes that amber benson does not do something sexual with a girl. If she does do something lesbiony mr please will go free. Now back to the film.
Clip- she kisses edward furlong.
Hagan immediately goes nuts and kills the person in the chair.
Static. Appears back. Person dead.
Hagan (to camera): sorry…
clip- guy arrives.
Hgaan vo: the floppy haired boyriend of ‘karl’ arrives and begins laying out exposition about the tunnels we saw in the pre-credits sequence.
Hagan: Minion. Do the dance of exposition.
Minion dances. Intercut with exposition. Add jaunty tune. Medieval.
HAGAN: no longer do the dance of exposition minion.
Clip- they arrive.
Hagan vo: so they get to the tunnels and…
clip- the chicken, dead mans blood… control the dead.
hagan: resume the dance of exposition minion!
Talking intercut with minion dancing. Shorter this time.
Clip- go down into the tunnel.
Hagan vo: so they go into the tunnel and the mexican…
clip- slices arm.
Hagan:ummm dude. Your knife is bleeding.
Hagan vo: so in the tunnels someone finally gets around to mentioning that this is meant to be the fabled home of the el intermedios. Pissed off ghosts who kill anyone who invades their space. The only one worried by them is amber benson.
Hagan: even though she’s not in the half of the cast- whose dads vanished down there without a fucking trace.
Clip- floppy haired ass and karl.
Hagan vo: the floppy haired ass tries to get some from karl, his brunette, she-male love goddess.
Hagan: because tunnels are so romantic.
Clip- they walk.
Hagan vo: they walk. And walk. And walk.
Hagan: oh hey sunlight behind them.
Hagan vo: And walk. And walk. And walk.
Hagan: and I swear they keep re-using the same couple bits of of tunnel over and over again.
Clip- amber stops.
Hagan vo: amber benson gets lost and finds a boiling pool of water.
Clip- sticks hand in.
hagan: I don’t know who’s dumber- amber bensons character for doing that or amber benson for agreeing to play her.
Clip- meet up.
Hagan vo: after you begin wondering how this could be made even longer they all manage to meet up with the mexican drug dealers.
Hagan vo: so steve railsback turns up looking like his character in turkey shoots dried out corpse and pours more blood than is physically possible out of his pendant.
Hagan: this calls the angry ghosts. Made of not so special effects!
Clip- attack. Sub- as originally edited.
Clip- they run off.
Hagan vo: the quartet and the surviving Mexican run off and the Mexican decides that the ghosts and whatnot that happened was clearly an ambush by americans who dont wanna pay for their drugs.
Hagan: he’s dumb like that.
Hagan vo: given the seriousness of the situation they talk about what to do..
clip- talking. Overlay with evil dead the musical. What the fuck was that. Stuff with scotty wanting to go.
Clip- split up.
hagan vo: so the yanks have decided to split up.
Hagan: their dumb like that.
Clip- floppy haired guy. quicksand.
Hagan vo: floppy guy steps in a shallow hole and is swallowed up by the floor which is actually made of blood.
Hagan: and evil…mexican quicksand.
Hagan vo: he falls through the floor and ends up bone dry in another bit of the tunnel which looks like the same bit of tunnel.
Clip-s running through tunnels.
Hagan vo: and these tunnels… they have to be real things and not a set. Sets don’t look that crap.
Clip- floppy guy., tries to escape.
Hgaan vo: apparently the evil mexican quicksand teleported him near the entrance because within minutes he finds it but unfortunately the dead mexican stereotype killed by steve railsback is lying on the trapdoor and stops him getting out.
Hagan: I wonder why steve railsback waited until now to kill him. The guys been letting people into the tunnels for… ohhhh 20 years 30?? and…. isnt steve railsback down there with them? How did he get there? The mexican is blocking the door!
Clip- sturdy workmanship. Gets down off the ladder.
Hagan vo: and check out the sturdy workmanship on display. Pretty damn wobbly.
Clip- walking. And arguing and walking.
Hagan vo: and we’re back with walking, walking, walking, arguing, walking,
hagan (holding cat): you’re a far more interesting thing to look at that this film. Yess you are!
hagan vo: walking walking walking.
Hagan: this is like the descent but shit. Actually no.. wait… the descent 2 is the like descent but shit. This is the descent 2 but shit…. actually… sorry the cave is the descent 2 but shit. This is like the cave, but shit.
clip- amber Benson and the the mexican. Underneath the trapdoor.
Hagan vo: so they reach the trapdoor.
Hagan: it looks just like the other one but with no ladder.
Hagan vo: oh looks like their doing something clever. Their gonna use the crutches to… no he’s picking up the girl with the broken foot in order to get her to open the door.
Clip- samaritan snare. HE IS SMART.
Clip- ghost attack.
Hagan (laughs) oh that is so gonna end up in my starting one of these days.
HAGAN VO: The ghost that seems to be a cross between a crappy glo in the dark skeleton suit and a tron outfit! the crap cgi! The fact that the ground moves while amber writhes in pain… its just… whee!
Hagan: Its a scre-delvert! A popstilkin! Its positively intercrastic in its internotrafabularies!
Hagan: what? if the makers don’t give a shit, why should I?
Clip- death again
Hagan vo: Obviously I’m sad that amber bensons dead,…
hagan: actually this once I’m not not. You were in a crap film, you didn’t even fuck a girl. You did nothing for me in this film Amber. And this once I’m not sorry your dead….(cries) yes I am!
Hagan vo: the mexican guys had his fingers cut off. Though he’s clearly just made fists and covered them in fake blood. Edward furlong keeps hugging ambers character because if he doesn’t she might fall over…
hagan: and force them to pay for a mannequin.
Clip- them running. Amber being dragged.
Hagan vo: so they run off, followed by someone who’s oddly grey for a film who’s idea of realistic outside colouration is ‘piss yellow’…
hagan: the baddies have also run off with ambers body…
clip- ambers body being moved.
Hagan vo: what did the baddies do? Freeze the ground around her and dig it up as a slab?!
Hagan: because im not seeing any other possibilities.
Clip- arguing with floppy haired guy.
Hagan vo: they meet up with floppy haired guy- who’s coming from the mexican side of the tunnel system even though he was last seen at the entrance to the US side. They argue over who gets a light.
Hagan: because holy crap. The tunnels are meant to be dark!
Clip- floppy haired guy attacked by wall.
Hagan vo: floppy haired guy gets attacked by some arms behind a wall.
Hgaan: worked better in day of the dead.
Clip- day dead trailer.
Hagan: maybe because their wall didn’t move like cardboard while they did it.
Hagan vo: somehow everyone (including the guy with no fingers) gets up into a safehouse built into the ceiling of the tunnel.
Hagan: and no. there wasn’t a ladder.
Clip- edward furlong.
Hagan vo: edward furlong snaps and attacks the wall.
Hagan: kudos to you for building this one out of something solid.
Hagan vo: whys he doing that? I dunno. I think he’s realised that he’s gone lower than anyone in history to get money for blow.
Hagan: yes even lower than that glam metal guy who sucked random guys dicks for cocaine money.
Clip- floppy haired guy dies.
Hagan vo: floppy haired guy dies in… a pretty damn… crap way…
hagan: texas chainsaw it ain’t.
Clip- texas chainsaw. Door slam.
Clip- ghost mexican.
Hagan vo: a ghost kills the mexican and he makes a stock scream so loud it can be heard high over the now not yellow mountains. And yet edward furling and karl in the next room dont hear it…
confused hagan is confused.
Clip- the with mexican
hagan vo: and to make things dumber…
hagan: the ghosts cut out his tongue. Think about that for a moment.
Clip- floppy haired guy back.
Hagan vo: so even though we saw him get an axe in his back and heard him get stabbed a fuckload more times the flopyhaired ass is back.
He confesses he saw karl and edward furlongs dads go into the pit and didnt help them- which would be shocking if he wasnt a child at the time and therefore did nothing wrong and if.. oh yes… ANYONE GAVE A SHIT! He also says he knew all about the ghosts and that other people had died and brought them there anyway. Because…. the script said so. And then he dies.
Clip- escaping through bodies.
Hagan vo: so they somehow escape into the dumping pit for the bodies. They act shocked that smelly, squishy body shaped things could in fact be bodies and are led to safety by a ghost who tells them the other ghosts are being controlled by steve railsback.
HAGAN: Whys he there and whys he not controlled by steve railsback and why does he look different from the other ghosts?…… because…. (points) HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
hagan runs off
HAGAN VO: Karl climbs the ladder and manages to move the body of the Mexican steriotype even though earlier the much larger and more muscular floppy haired ass couldnt.
Hagan: either that body has rotted a lot in a few hrs or she’s she-hulk.
Clip- run into steve railsback. Car. Flashback.
hagan vo: they run into steve railsback at the house of the dead mexican steriotype and don’t realise that he’s the baddy. How he got there because the trapdoor was fucking blocked by the mexican I have no idea. He drives away with them and drugs karl by way of a sealed can of beer. Yes a sealed can of beer. We also get a flashback to more than 20 years back when steve railsback killed his son for being a druggie and took mystical control of the ghosts… somehow…
hagan: like the mexican steve railsback hasn’t aged at all. To compare. This was steve railsback in the 1982 (turkey shoot) and this was steve railsback in the 1986 (flashback) he must have had a rough 1985. I blame the naked alien space vampires myself.
clip- lifeforce. trailer ideally.
Clip- taken back.
Hagan vo: so steve railsback is killing people because he killed his son for being a drug addict.
HAGAN: the real tragedy here is thats not the stupidest reason i’v seen for someone killing people. At least he’s not a superpowered zombie too.
HAGAN VO: takes them back to the dead body pile and leaves them to die.
Hagan: too obvious to mock..
Hagan vo: the ghost of railsbacks son saves them again and railsback fights a 20 year old she-male.
Hagan: well over the years in all the c-movies he’s been in he’s fought pretty much everything else.
Clip- necklace. Ghosts.
Hagan vo: the pendant gets destroyed and railsback is… CGI’d to death…
hagan: because ghosts that are angry at having been forced to become murderers will automatically get revenge on the man who forced them to kill- by eviscerating him.
Hagan vo: so everything is now happy. Edward furlong and karls friends are dead. They have to talk to the police about the dozens and dozens of bodies littering the tunnels and get into trouble for transporting drugs AND even though they’ve never been romantically attached and have both lost their partners they still find the time to have an off-screen fuck before they go.
hagan: and given that I still have decided their both transsexuals who haven’t had the operation I can only assume that the off-screen sex was much more interesting looking than the rest of the film.
Clip- ghosts watching.
Hagan: why else would the ghosts watching it?
Clips from the film.
Hagan vo: This film. Is a masterful mix of the stupid and the boring. I choose to believe it was deliberate because my death list really doesn’t need to be made any longer. Its bad. Bad. Bad. Its children of the living dead level incompetance. Sure its pretty unique but sometimes things aren’t done because their shit! There are only two positive things the film has- the casting of edward furlong, steve railsback and amber benson who are all fine actors.. and having the two main characters swap sex during the credits.
HAGAN: And I made that bit up!
Clip- from the making of.
Hagan vo: on the DVD there’s a short making of where its pretty clear that no-one gave a crap about the film. And Edward furlong appears to be higher than a nerds cock at the museum of naked lucy lawless.
Hagan: great edward, amber and the rest of you. I’m glad you all had fun wasting time and money in the desert while you made this piece of shit. I wish anyone who watched your movie could have had fun too. *sighs* I’ve watched this film 3 times now. Once for taking notes, once for writing and once while editting… so internet… what do you say to that?
Clip- YOU MASACHISTIC MOTHERFUCKER!
Hagan: That makes sense. I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day.