Special Review- Apocalypse

Hagan watches some truly awful Rapture Movies. Part 1 of the Apocalypse Quadrilogy.

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47 Comments

  1. I have actually seen Revelation. I always wondered why it seemed like it was the follow up to something I had not seen. I thought it was pretty decent. I guess it is because I had just seen The Lawnmower Man and I just like Jeff Fahey.

  2. aaah, this was wonderful. It’s not hard to see from the featured scenes that this movie is easy to make fun of, but hard to do it entertainingly. Yet, you achieved hilarity. I think that this easily tops your “Left Behind” review, in fact.

    I was very happy about the return of the spot-the-mistake Xs and downright gleeful at the trapdoor joke. The Spoony cameo was fun, too. Can’t really go wrong there.

    Really looking forward to the upcoming specials!

  3. Love the review as always. These movies are so giggle worthy. Great choice of credit song.

  4. Hi, watched this on Spoony’s site. Do you have an RSS feed I can use to keep updated on your new episodes? I can’t find it.

    • honestly im so much of a luddite im not sure what they are. if you cna explain i could try to help. or you could subscribe to my wordpress. they get put up here pretty soon after upload.

    • Does this work? https://diamandahagan.wordpress.com/feed/

      • That works perfectly, thanks.

        And there should be a module to put up the RSS Feed in a handy button.

        *Checks*
        Yeah. Dashboard -> Appearance -> Widgets -> RSS Links

  5. Excellent work as always, Mistress. Been watching for a while now, even got a friend converted into a loyal fan a couple months ago. Great cameo with Spoony too; my two favorite reviewers in one place was almost too much to handle, lol.

    Anxiously awaiting the next in the series!

  6. Was the bear at ~18 minutes in wearing an astroempires shirt?
    Also Evangelicals make my brain want to dive into a blender, but then again I live in the buckle of bulging bible belt.

    • indeed! my rbother who plays teddy and many other minions is one of the high-ups in astroempires and so got the bear.

      • Ah, I used to play ae alot and have played most every server. Although now I only have accounts on Delta and Fenix, but cool to know all the same.

  7. I’ve been watching for a while and I love watching you shriek your way through these videos. I’m Christian, but these “Christian” videos are really aggravating honestly.

    Oh, by the way, the Spoonyherd is bitching about your video on Spoony’s site. Last time it was to Film Brain because he has a dry sense of humor and that apparently didn’t translate to the Spoonyherd. the next video Film Brain was in he was attacked by the spoonymob storming his castle. It’s been chuckle-worthy to imagine what the Lecher Bitch would do with the Spoonymob.

    It was brilliant as always! Thanks for making these videos!

    • i hope you dont feel like im shitting on you with the next 3 reviews being apocalypse’s sequels, heh.

      dunno if i’ll reference the herd or not in an upcoming video. maybe. though this wont be the last time spoony appears in one of my reviews!

      • *shrug* I actually look forward to the reviews. And it was just a thought regarding the herd. It’s… really bizarre to me to read the comments there. I mean, I’ve never seen so many people suddenly rebel because of a cameo in another review and then blame the guest or the reviewer that Spoony cameos with for being not as good as Spoony. They did that to Film Brain and it still boggles my mind because I really enjoy all of you guys. I learned about you in particular from watching Brows Held High, which I learned about from TGWTG.

        I look forward to the other reviews! And yeah… I got myself a used copy of Left Behind. Kind of boring. At least the Book of Revelations is more interesting. That shit’s like reading someone’s acid trip.

    • They do make a good companion piece to a movie involving fanatics turning violent against anyone who’s not their “messiah”, though.

      • It’s just a shame that it unfairly reflects on Spoony. He has put his foot firmly in his mouth a fair few times but by all accounts he’s a nice guy – I’ve the good fortune to live a few rounds down from Mr. Buck a and he confirmed this at length. Never the less where large crowds with no incentive towards building a community gather, especially where there is a certain air of cynicism you tend to get asshats exploiting anonymity like wasps around honey, not to mention the more insular the community the more circle-jerky it becomes.

        I think reviewers like Hagan become targets fairly often, too, as there’s a certain inability on the behalf of some to realize that most of the bile a reviewer might produce is entirely for comic effect – that and that many people define themselves by fandoms which is a fucking tragic state of affairs. Throw in the rather petulant attitude some take – that they somehow have a stake in a creation because they subscribe to it, even if it’s free – and you’ve got a shit-storm. More precisely you’ve got the fourth shit-storm of idiot comments in recent memory over a Spoony crossover. Still, I dare say if Ms. Hagan ever started to get the sort of viewing numbers per day this comment section wouldn’t be a cakewalk either. Mathew has in the past admitted that he frequently dreads reading his own comment sections.

        What really bothers me is the homophobia and sexism that (albeit a handful of commenters) bring with them. I was delighted to learn that being vaguely androgynous means you’re wrong about everything no matter what, especially if you’re a somewhat masculine female. That shit got to me personally, in as much as it both struck a nerve and explained why Seltzerberg movies can still make the bank.

        Still, what can you do? At least unlike Youtube there’s no requirement to have the comments section loaded at the same time as the video.

    • I..I like Spoony’s stuff and I’m not a jerk… most of the time anyway ._.;

      • Everyone’s a jerk. You, me, (pointing to my brother) this jerk. It’s all about knowing the how, why and when of restraint.

  8. My partner is an American ex-mormon who was raised around this sort of thing and, me being a European mutt, she has to explain pre-millennial dispensationalism to me along with every baffling turn it takes. We both delighted in this and your Left Behind review, especially as subjects such as religion and history seem to bring out your more informative side. This review is a great example of how you transition well between dead baby comedy and a considered reviewer.

    I’m honestly a little surprised that the extremely American nature of these fucknuts hasn’t come in to it actually – the idea seems to be meshing religion and patriotism to suggest that most of heaven will be taken up by Americans as demonstrated by the fact the EU or UN form the kingdom of the Anti-Christ. That, to me, is one of the most sickening aspects of these farcical attempts at theology.

    • Well you know what they say, when fascism comes to America it’ll be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross…

      • Disturbingly true. One of my friends stateside is doing a degree in Evolutionary Biology. You’d be amazed, delighted or sickened just how often people treat the actual science like a mad aberration of reason over ‘beardy man in the sky made it happen’. She thinks it’s hilarious, I personally don’t have that kind of restraint and often want to brow-beat the idea that evolution is scientific fact in to them. Fortunately I have resisted thus far.

  9. Great work as always Mistress. Too bad Spoony has so many fans who freak the fuck out over anything not Spoony. They’re missing a lot. Can’t wait for the rest of the series.

  10. Just wow – I thought the Omega Code series was in(s)ane. It still is, but this?

  11. Hurray! This sort of thing is my bread-and-butter bad-stuff crack, and I’m thrilled to see you taking on more of it. My husband and I will happily devour the rest of the specials, not that we weren’t mainlining the archives anyhow.

    (Was the Thief in the Night series in your giant stack of Rapture movies, BTW? Or If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?)

    I really don’t think Apocalypse is deliberately ripping off the first Left Behind book. The convertible reporter trope was well-worn by the time Lahaye/Jenkins got around to it, and keep in mind that the Lalondes were just *steeped* in this sort of thing for ages. I like to believe that everyone just ripped off Salem Kirban’s 666/1000, but that would imply those books were readable.

    Jack van Impe’s show used to have a opening screed about how, since he and his wife had interviewed so many world leaders and crap, they were qualified to report and interpret INTERNATIONAL NEWS. One of these years, I’d love to see him show up in one of these films he funds playing a full-on Buck-alike, Rexella all breathily in tow. Then again, if he did that, that’d imply he’d not been raptured. Can’t have that. Bad for the brand.

  12. “Movie, show me on teddy bear where logic touched you” is now my favorite line from yours reviews. Seriously, now I can’t look on teddy bears without giggling.
    To be honest I like when your reviews are long. I really like sketches with minions.
    Before Your “Left behind” review I didn’t even knew what the “rapture” is. After that I have checked some things in internet, read about “christian dance”, bananas, etc. and… wow, just wow. Now Polish religious fanatics seems so…sane (Or maybe they just don’t know how to make movies, I’m not sure.)
    I’m Christian and movies like this baffles me. They are just so mean-spirited, so xenophobic (Europe = Evil?) and stupid (what is wrong with checking some informations before making a movie?==) that is almost depressing.

  13. reading through the comments on spoony’s site I’ve learnt a startling bit of information….

    YOU’RE A GIRL!!!!!!!

    but to be a bit more serious, I wonder what it is about Spoony that seems to attract to worse of ‘fans’ to him?

  14. Alright Mistress! I love the far right Christian movie reviews, keep them coming!! I remember reading a review for the first Left Behind years ago, (oh how naive I used to be) and I couldn’t believe a movie like it was allowed to be made. But now I read Right Wing Watch and nothing surprises me. And I loved Spoony’s appearance!

  15. I highly enjoyed your review, coming as it did right after I decided to stop being lazy and get around to reviewing Tribulation (it comes after Revelation, the sequel to this movie). My blog (shameless plug: http://casadecass.wordpress.com) is just getting up to “Judgment” right now.

    I’ve watched the hell (lol) out of these movies and luckily for all involved, they do get better in production values later on. Apocalypse is such a steaming pile, though.

    Also, word of advice: Don’t even try to review Left Behind 3. It doesn’t even make any sense within the whole “Left Behind” universe since the script was just cobbled together from scraps of the rest of the books and apparently a large amount of mind-altering drugs.

    Good luck on your adventure through bizarro world.

    • oooh cool, trib! ill check that when my trib review comes out on the 17th!

      • I have Revelation done, as well. Just published the one on Judgment.

        I had to drink real heavily to get through Tribulation, though. No one should have to go in sober and deal with that much Gary Busey.

  16. It is so unfair what the Spoonyherd is doing on his site with the comment section for this review. I stood up for you, and got at least two comments that missed the point of my comment entirely. So don’t despair Mistress. They are idiots, you are brilliant. I count you among the top tier of internet reviewers, you are in my top five alongside Oan, Phelous, Linkara, and the Critic. You have already had cameos from Oan and Linkara, any plans to cameo with Phelous?

    • ahhhhhhhhh phelous appears in the judgement review. theres cool cameos (audio or visual) in each ep of the 4.

      • Not to horn in on this thread, but…Phelous is going to show up??? Yaaaaay!! hehehe 🙂

  17. Another excelent review, Herr Hagan! 😉

    As for Spoony’s herds, pay them no heed. They’re a perfect example of why the internet needs people like you.

  18. Girl, you actually choose Spoony for a crossover? The guy with a fanbase so fanatic, that he himself made a video about it? 😀

    Just dont read the comments, please. If the compare you to Hitler you got away lucky.

    • hehe i knew what was gonna happen when he asked if he could add it to the site. i thought the comments were so ott that they were funny. the ones that had actual criticism i listened to.

  19. Ahh fantastic. I’ve been looking forward to more rapture movie reviews ever since “left behind”, and it was glorious. (I am christian, but unlike seemingly 98 per cent of them, I have a sense of humour.) The film felt like the asylum’s take on left behind.

    I had more or less the same reaction to seeing the comic sans credits. Loved the return of the news crawl parody and the army of darkness clip, but I think my favourite joke was the David Icke one.

  20. […] Diamanda Hagan has started on the Apocalypse series.  I’m gonna plug it here because Hagan has has her own take on the series from a different approach than I’ve taken.  I think it’s a good compliment, since I’m really doing a rough overview of the series from within the context of a low-budget company making low-budget films for an audience.  I riffed on the basic concept in the first part of the series, but I try to go with the crazy as it happens, while the Hagan seems to be comparing it within the context of all films. […]

  21. Watched this over at Spoony’s site, but no way in hell am I gonna bother sifting through the comments. I learned a long time ago that a good many posters there are…how can I say this tactfully…several cards short of a deck, and not in a fun way 😡

    That aside, great video. After viewing the preview for the next installment, I gotta wonder: WTF happened to Jeff Fahey’s career? Does anyone out there remember when he used to be in movies that were actually half decent? Those were the days, lol.

  22. Honestly, some of the comments on Spoony’s site are downright immature. I’m beginning to understand why democracy doesn’t work.

    But, on the other hand…

    I wonder if Christian Spoony has any further cross-over potential. The concept of a Christian fundamentalist version of Spoony hilariously disturbing.

  23. Heh…that “you worship him or you DIE!” clip from the movie used in the preview? I always almost *certain* that was going to be from one of the movie’s “good guys”!

  24. Just wanted to say love your review on the Apocalypse movies! What kills me to no end is the clothes all folded up nicely after the rapture. Must be because the Lord works in mysterious ways 😉

  25. […] are also the fantastic video reviews by Diamanda Hagan, Empress of Haganistan. I just rediscovered her today, and she’s disturbingly wonderful.  Or wonderfully […]

  26. […] pointed out in my previous review how ridiculous it is that everyone is worshiping Macalusso. Both Diamanda Hagan and Ivan at Heathen Critique have pointed out that, rather than proving his divinity/demonhood, the […]

  27. You ever seen Next to Godliness? Xtan film by 9th Inning/Lionfish/Ryan McKinney who made Memorial/Ticket Ripper/Simple and Safe/Someone to Talk to. Next to Godliness features Cynthia Weeks and Variety regular James Anthony Cotton (Western Relgion, White Rabbit, Chasing Mavericks))
    Ryan McKinney’s films also featured Kat Monda, of Working Stiff, Broadway Romance, Julie Anchor’s Lost & Found (2006), Cocked (2009) and The Killing of Mary Surratt http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1371499/?ref_=tt_cl_t6
    Lost and Fund was by my friend Aaron M Lane’s mate Leonard Carillo (filmdavinci, satge57, American Ruckus) and featured Charlie Holliday and John Eric Williams..
    McKinney later directed the Invited with Lou Diamond Phillips.

  28. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479039/?ref_=fn_ft_tt_3 Freak Show is a film by Navrocki/WWE’s Cory Poccia and another by Trudie Styler, and various shorts, and an upcoming film by my friend Hossam Gallal’s friend/Tonight Show guest Brandon Duracher.


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