Special Review- Apocalypse 3 Tribulation

Hagan watches some truly awful Rapture Movies. Part 3 of the Apocalypse Quadrilogy.

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28 Comments

  1. Glad to hear you’re back from MAGfest safely! And I’ve been loving the sheer WTFery of these films…I dread to think what the 4th one is like.

  2. I think the reviews for these films are some of your best Ms. Hagan, I can not wait to see the final one.

    Just wondering did you film any crossovers or cameos at MAGfest and if so who are they with and will you post them before the start of your next series

    • i filmed 2 co- reviews of my own and appeared in at least another 3.

      expect my co-reviews in early feb, s4 will appear sometime after. the stuff iv done for other people i dont really have any idea. but itll be after i send them my voice overs:p

  3. question unrelated to the review but, did you film any crossovers whilst at magfest?

    • ^
      ^
      ^
      ^

      :p

      • soz wrote it before watching.

      • i am an idiot sometimes

    • you are northern irish. it comes with the territory. *also an idiot sometimes*

      • actually i’m scottish and being in a situation i cant drink or ‘Glasgow kiss’ my way out of has left me strangely introspective 😉

  4. So this is the least worst of the four. It also hurts when you write it.

    I don’t think they’ll make a fifth one. They’ve used up all their horsemen…unless maybe Stupidity rides in on an ass.

  5. There are so many problems I have with these movies on a theological and critical level. I’d post them but I don’t know if anyone here really cares about how Christian Fundamentalism is a failed attempt at coping with the alienation of modernity and how “End of Evangelion,” was a more accurate depiction of the Rapture.

    • sounds entertaining, please post

      • When I get around to writing it I’ll put a post if the Mistress dosen’t mind.

      • sure thing

    • Does it explain that giant 90’ties style VR helmet? Because I can’t find that anywhere in Revelation.

      • Not really, but I have some theories on those lines.

  6. I don’t know which clip amused me more- the clip from C.O.P.S. or the toxic avenger one after the guy jumped out of the window.

    I dunno if I’ve said this before or not but I love it when you do the Aleister audition tapes.

    And wow- the guy who plays the Antichrist in this one is *bad*- not like the others were any good, but…damn. He makes Sam Neill in Omen 3 look subtle.

    I admit your point about God in these movies just letting stuff like this happen is a problem- at least in stuff like Supernatural or Spawn they actively have Heaven and the angels being equally antagonists with mankind (and the odd supernatural figure) fighting for free will in between.

    Oh yeah, dunno if you already know this but according to wikipedia there is a fifth one in works called redemption

  7. Aleister has too much class and style to be in anything that makes Left Behind look anywhere remotely near an actual piece of cinematography. I’m glad he didn’t get the part. He probably would’ve considered it his career’s lowest point.

    Something that I don’t know if you’ve addressed yet (or maybe that’s just my extremely limited knowledge of what the everloving hell the Rapture actually is) is the fact that the Rapture apparently “rescues” all the good little Christians from Earth and that’s it. All of the conversions that happen later are utterly meaningless because you still missed the boat. Sorry Gary Busey, you’re still going to burn in hell when you die because God’s already Raptured all the people worth saving. And if you can still go to heaven when you die, then why isn’t everyone immediately converting to Christianity the moment the Rapture occurs? You’d think people would accept that as pretty strong proof that Christians got it right (hilarious as that sounds). And no, don’t point out Mr. McAnti-Christ. If humanity as a whole were so easily swayed by charismatic religious figures, there wouldn’t be any atheists or agnostics in the first place. Also, I use charismatic loosely. Because come on, that man (in all its different actor incarnations) has had the charisma of slightly soggy cardboard.

    Anyway, those were my bemused, confused thoughts on these weird movies. Thanks for exposing me to the concept of the Rapture, too, I had never heard of it before you did your Left Behind review (and it made last year’s craze actually understandable without a wiki search).

  8. Another awesome review. It’s mind boggling how bad these films actually are; surely this is the only way I could ever stand to view them. This one in particular though…Gary Busey, Howie Mandel and Margo Kidder…wow. If only they could’ve worked Mr. T. into this one too, lol.

  9. I want to see a religious armageddon movies in a similar vein to the Left Behind and Apocalypse movies, but based on the Norse Ragnarok myth. It would have all the same tropes; the skeptics, the devout believers, and an explanation for why it was always ‘obviously’ going to happen that makes no sense!

    But it would be all worth it, just to see the most METAL apocalypse!

  10. So it hurt to say that? Wow, that’s just wrong. Also on the note of believing in the Rapture…I’m a Catholic and I’m offended that they assume that somehow ALL Christians believe in the Rapture…Riiight. Catholics don’t believe that. And another thing which I think you mentioned in a review where the hell are all the other religions in these movies?! I don’t think Muslims, Hindus, Sikh, Buddhists and all the other religious sect are just gonna disappear like that. Oh by the way when are you gonna do more Urban Goth reviews?

  11. It really is a particular joy to see you eviscerate this series. There is something quite satisfying about it.
    Also, I’m morbidly curious about the reaction from people who can’t separate character and reality about the “Christians, eww *spit* thing. Yay shitstorm!

    I also quite enjoy the way you handle meta-elements. Instead of going “haha, I’m actually not really doing this” like some reviewers, you go full mindfuck with the layering of the review structure, and that’s not only a lot more interesting and funny, but also highly conductive to creative overthinking.
    Like, is Hagan, as a goddess, actually beyond time and space? Does she have the power to dis- and reassemble the fourth wall like it was chinese and she was wearing blue tights? Or is there another, even more mindboggling explanation? I could overthink this for hours!

    Also, I personally like to see this outfit assembly with the pink hair. Makes certain pieces of fanart a little more accurate. 😉

  12. Awesome review, as always. Yeah, I think this movie looks like the most entertaining one in the series. But it could have used more Howie Goldblum.
    OMG…the preview of the 4th film…I pity the fool who doesn’t watch the next review!

  13. Oh wow, I actually have the next one. I bought it for a dollar because I’m a huge Mr. T fan and I thought he might make even poorly made Christian propaganda worth watching. But, I never got around to actually watching it.

    Now, I don’t know whether to watch the movie before watching your review, or just watch your review.

  14. Hail, Mistress!

    I recently had a truly awful week, and watching this review made enduring it much, much easier. Although you might not want to admit it, you can be a force for good at times.

    Is anybody else surprised at how many well-known actors are in this film? I would’ve thought a project like this would have too small a budget to afford Howie Mandel and Margo Kidder.

  15. I don’t think it actually is a “fuck you” to the Mormons – a lot of fundies have a really fucked-up understanding of evolution, taking the old “evolutionary ladder” misconception to its illogical extreme, and that’s what it sounds like here. It seems more likely for Lucifer to be an “evolutionist” than a Mormon.

  16. What blows me away is that Howie Mandel was in this movie. It would have funny if he started doing his Bobby’s voice from Bobby’s World randomly in the middle of the movie.


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