This episode was written as an April Fools where Teddy would play Hagan. We werent going to mention that until right at the end when originally scripted I’d come out as Aleister and ask Hagan if she lost weight. Alas Teddy had trouble remembering the to-camera parts of the review and after several hours we gave up and eventually I re-tooled it as a basic Hagan review.
We used the fact he had makeup on as the basis for the intro to the Bosco review. That ep had been written and I had it on me but filming it that night was a last minute thing. Iv lost the Bosco script unfortunately.
This is probably my least favourite episode of Hagan, the films not a Hagan review film, the skits were cut for time and Im not convinced its any good.
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT
HAGAN: Greetings gentle viewers and welcome to a very special between the series review. A Request from Owen. Tonight we watch…a piece of torture equipment, used mainly in conjunction with pliers, the rack and the bronze bull. I give you…
MINION Whispers in hagans ear.
HAGAN (shocked): Its NOT a piece of torture equipment?! Jeezus Really?… (back on track) this is resident evil(shaking head) fucking hell (pulls out microphone)
SOMEONE TIED TO CHAIR. IN FRONT OF RESIDENT EVIL.
HAGAN (VO ANNOUNCEMENT): Resident evil is technically not torture. Untie him and put him in the iron maiden instead.
MINION unties him.
SOMEONE: Thank you! Thank you!
HAGAN (puts microphone away): Anyway. As I was saying. This is resident evil.
cllip- resident evil.
CLIP- UMBRELLA CORP. details of umbrella corp. what they are known for. What they really do.
HAGAN: Ok. First of all.
HAGAN VO:If 9 out of 10 homes have its products AND it? the world leading supplier of Computer tech, medical products AND healthcare but its wealth is generated by military tech, genetic experiments and viral weaponry then…
HAGAN: economics, your doing it wrong! Do these people realise how much money is made in computer tech, medical products and health care?! No?!… neither do I but its a fuck load.
HAGAN: And if the people who work for umbrella have no idea what they make and do they fucking employ monkeys?! Have they a legion of nameless, brainless, organ donors ?!… have they been using my minion banks
Clip- room in darkness. LAB.
HAGAN VO: Theres a room inside a black hole and someone in a hazard suit is working some robotic arms. You can tell this is the present day- the hazard suit is white. He is stealing some rather nifty paperweights.
HAGAN: Id love one of those for my desk. Its big, black and screams ?eath-dealing-mistress-of-destruction-but-approachableand that paperweight would really off-set the skulls.
Clip- guy throws paperweight. Closes door.
HAGAN VO: So the guy chucks the paperweight and leaves the room.
HAGAN: Ahh they want us to wonder about the identity of the paperweight destroying madman. That? a twist.
Clip- gas from the smashed paperweight.
HAGAN vo: I guess what was in it was extremely hot no wonder they kept it locked up.
HAGAN: I want one even more. Easily smashable, extremely hotjust imagine the fun I could have with that!
Skit- HAGAN behind a door. Head around doorway.
HAGAN: Minion come in here!
MINION ENTERS. Closes door.
HAGAN voice: Want to see something funny?
Sound of glass smashing. Minion screams. Sound of flame. HAGAN laughs.
Clip- Gas in air.
Hagan vo: alas its not extremely hot just an unoriginal special effect representing a virus in the air. The dogs that are locked up immediately begin to bark.
HAGAN: these dogs can smell a virus in the air. And they want to attack it. I guess some sort of congratulations are in order, your secret genetic experiment labs full of guys who dont know what their doing have been very busy!
Clip- computer watching.
HAGAN VO: So the trusty sentient computer watches and discovers that the virus has been released. Why it had no idea that some guy stole the virus and broke it open before it got released I dont know. Maybe it can see but it cant hear.
HAGAN: Anyway like all hyper-intelligent computers who are faced with a virus that does nothing to the people who breathe it in unless they happen to die- then they turn into zombies, a virus whose cure is easily available in the same labs… the computer decides the best course of action is to kill everyone.
CLIP- OF COURSE!
Clip- dropping lift.
Clip- house haunted hill, lift ride.
HAGAN: Its a practical joker psycho computer! In many ways thats the best type.
Clip- woman tries to escape the lift. Nearly killed.
HAGAN: Oooh that nutty computer!
Clip- computer watching. Dub on sound- druscilla from buffy (bored now)
Clip- kills her.
HAGAN: The computer also decides to seal the doors to the base and doesnt send any messages to the outside world to let people know what has happened. Super intelligent computers! Willing to act like retards in order to allow the story to happen!
Clip- milla jovitch on ground.
HAGAN VO: So we cut to milla jovitch and…
HAGAN: Hey! PG Rated nudity!
Clip- mila jovitch.
HAGAN VO: So she’s lying on the floor of a shower, just waking up. Perhaps she’s been trying to forget seeing children of the living dead. Although the showers running she’s not wet.
HAGAN: Perhaps she just likes to stand naked and dry in the shower while she plays a sounds of the shower relaxation CD.
Clip- looking in mirror.
HAGAN VO: Mila jovitch has woken up with amnesia. This means she has flashbacks to her life that are both hyper-stylised AND not from her point of view.
Clip- looking around.
HAGAN VO: She looks around, not at all pleased even though she seems to live in a mansion.
Clip- find gun.
HAGAN: Ahhhh I stand corrected. Shes woken up in ted nugents house.
Clip- ted nugent.
HAGAN: Or perhaps the house of that couple in tremors.
Clip- mila jovitch in dress.
HAGAN VO: So mila jovitch has gone exploring and oh fuck…
HAGAN: Ladies and gentlemen and all those in between if you woke up with alone with amnesia, naked, would you choose a slinky, fuck-me dress to go exploring a big spooky mansion in?
Clip- frank n furter.
HAGAN: Ok. He might.
Clip- she goes outside. Hallway shortens…
Clip- lord of the rings. Get off the road!
CLIP- SHE RUNS INSIDE. PEOPLE ATTACK.
HAGAN: there were perfectly good doors…
HAGAN VO: By the music I guess we’re meant to be terribly excited by this scene. Riveting stuff.
Clip- I want your report. The housesprimary defences.
HAGAN: Primary defences? The sort of defences that let any random commando squad thats hanging around burst through its windows? Damn thats Efficient.
CLIP- SHES PROBLY STILL AFFECTED…
HAGAN: Oh the primary defence systems that make everyone inside the house go unconscious and wake up with no memory. Ya know, what? even worse…
Clip- talking. Ooh exciting.
HAGAN VO: The guy with a gun against his head is a local cop. Who… dropped in for some reason.
Clip- colin salmon reveals self.
HAGAN: Hey! Its colin salmon!… playing a.. badass… American… commando…
Clip- dr who- silence in the library. Dr moon.
HAGAN: No. Not seeing it.
Clip- michelle Rodriguez and guy blow me’
HAGAN: Oh I would love to michelle Rodriguez. But first a question for the audience- no matter how much she’s based her entire life and career on Vasquez from aliens HOW DOES A 16 YEAR OLD END UP IN AN ELITE COMMANDO TEAM?!
Clip- team on train.
HAGAN VO: Turns out the base and labs were miles underground and far from the mansion and are only accessible by a secret train link.
HAGAN: Makes you wonder exactly why they had guard dogs in the lab.
Clip- on train
HAGAN: And just to make things even dumber the base and labs where they build up all sorts of crazy viruses and genetic experiments is RIGHT UNDERNEATH A CITY.
Clip- on train.
HAGAN VO: The team find mila jovitchs husband. Take this as a commentary on their acting ability if you want- He went onto star in Rome and she ended up fucking the director of the film.
CLIP- CECIL B DEMENTED- I FUCK ALL MY DIRECTORS CECIL! I AM NOT ALL OF YOUR DIRECTORS!
Clip- at base.
HAGAN VO: The team have dragged the cop and their two amnesiacs with them as they go into the base to find out what happened and to destroy the computer for being mental. None of them are wearing masks or hazard suits even though there are serious bio weapons in the labs. There were no bio weapons in the mansion and they wore gasmasks in there.
Clip- red queen has locked onto us. She knows we’re here. Whos the red queen etc.
HAGAn: gotta love the psycho murdering computers dedication to the story over logic by not continuing its pattern and killing the team.
Clip- lets see how bad the flooding is.
HAGAN: The flooding looks pretty bad…
Clkip- what happened.
Hagan VO: So you don’t have a way to shut down a super intelligent AI that you calmly describe as having gone ‘homicidal’ from far away from it?
HAGAN: (points) You, you and you and everyone who is not mila jovitch and whoever is her love interest are going to die. I’m guessing the other one will not be michelle Rodriguez as this film is not interesting enough to have a love story between mila jovitch and a 16 year old female commando… Mores the fucking pity.
CLIP- HE GIVES HER COAT. ITS COLD IN HERE…
HAGAN: And she’s too dumb to dress appropriately.
Clip- guy stares at the grating.
HAGAN vo: the cop stares at a grating in a needlessly ominous way. This pointless moment has been brought to you by director paul Anderson.
Clip- them walking away. Close on zombie.
HAGAN: and she dramatically wakes up for a jump-scare in 3-2-1!
Clip- zombie wakes up.
Clip- supposed to be dining hall b. maybe they are keeping some secrets etc.
HAGAN: Oh no! they found the evil corporations SECRET DRY ICE FACTORY! (dramatic cord)
Clip- red queen chamber.
HAGAN VO: So the computer is called the red queen and they have reached its mainframe. But they have to walk though an ominous corridor to get there…
Clip- team in corridor. Music.
HAGAN: oooh danger music.
Clip- whats that? Laser.
HAGAN: I love that he asked that question before the laser appeared.
Clip- lasers. Kills woman.
HAGAN VO: The laser kills the woman and even though the wound is well and truly cauterised she still manages to bleed from the stump in her neck. So the lasers keep coming and before long…
Clip- kills colin salmon.
HAGAN: id say thats pretty cool but iv already seen cube.
HAGAN: Cube. When watching a film named after a shape. Accept no substitutes.
CLIP- LASERS AGAIN.
HAGAN VO: Im wondering. Why didnt the lasers just do that to begin with?
HAGAN: now think about this. We are watching a zombie film. Set in a secret genetic experiments lab and so far half the heroes have been killed by lasers!
Clip- frikking laser beams.
Clip- inner chamber.
HAGAN vo: so they set up an EMP device to destroy the computer.
Clip- red queen appears. Shes a holographic representation of the red queen.
HAGAN: Why the hell would you spend that sort of money on a hologram that almost no-one will see?!
Clip- power down.
HAGAN VO: the pulse pulses and the computer goes down cutting the power and opening all of the locked doors and releasing the zombies…
HAGAN: What the fuck sort of lock opens with such strength that the doors open when the power is cut?!
Hagan vo: So yeah. There are zombies now.
CLIP- ZOMBIE BITES MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ.
HAGAN: Heh. I want to eat her too.
Clip- shoots zombie.
Clip- you shot me you a-hole (dr evil)
Clip- kills zombie. What was going on? Zombies body vanished.
HAGAN: (sigh) This might appear to be a dumb moment but I have real genuine footage of zombies that explode and vanish after being killed.
HAGAN: I’m getting tired of covering for bad zombie movies. Resident evil, you owe me.
HAGAN: A zombie voyeur? Oooh fuck. Not more stealth zombies…
Clip- zombuies approach. Fighting.
HAGAN VO: zombies shamble in, they gun them down again I think its supposed to be exciting.
CLIP- LETS GO!
CLIP- ALIENS- MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!
HAGAN: Sorry I needed a clip from a film thats actually exciting to remind me I’m still alive.
Clip- thing explodes, fire. Fighting. Music- START A FIRE.
Clip- guy shoots and runs. Zombie falls over way to late to have been shot by him.
HAGAN (shocked): Holy crap. That was uwe boll level of incompetence!
Replay bit. Arrow on zombie that fell over too late.
HAGAN VO: How the hell did they not notice that?!
HAGN: I mean what the fuck?! HOW CAN THAT GET BY YOU! HOW DO YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT?! You stupid f-ing pieces of crap! (microphone) MINION!
MINION enters. HAGAN shoots MINION. MINION stands. MINION falls a second later.
HAGAN: So where were we? Oh yeah, the redshirts are going to the lift.
Clip- they get into the lift. Guy gets grabbed- HAHA. Add the adagio for strings over the slow mo death.
Clip- red queen chamber.
Hagan vo: so they run off and get into the mainframe and discuss how no-one seems to know what a zombie is.
Clip- you let them out
HAGAN: Kind of the job you were there to do, Michelle. Dont blame him, blame the designers of such shit doors, computers and well blame everyone involved in your company really. If there was an iota of intelligent matter in the staff this wouldnt have happened.
Clip- mila jovitch by self. Dog.
HAGAN VO: Mila jovitch has gone off by herself and of course ended up in a lab with the dogs. Who have burst out of their cages and developed a sudden case of harlequin icthyosis.
Pic- harlequin icthyosis.
Clip- dog attacks.. mila jovitch kicks. Dub- I know kung fu.
HAGAN: Hardly a fair fight. Mila the Nordic ninja versus lassie the plague-dog. Now this would be a worthy opponent!
Clip- karate dog.
Clip- cop looking in an office.
Hagan vo: because he’s a moron the cop is looking for his sister who worked in the offices.
Clip- shes there.
Hagan vo: And whatya know she there and she’s one of those harmless looking zombies who dramatically attack when their close.
Clip- mila splats her
HAGAN VO: Mila kills her with a paperweight.
HAGAN: That is a nice paperweight.
Clip- mila and cop.
Hagan vo: turns out that the cop isn’t a cop and is actually an activist who’s been trying to reveal what’s been going on in the labs. His sister was trying to get ahold of the virus to give it to the govt and had a contact with high level clearance who had offered to give her it.
HAGAN: We’re supposed to think that mila stole the virus for her and at the last minute changed her mind and decided to sell the virus instead. And set it off in the base to cover her tracks.
Hagan vo: I’m not really sure how much use the virus would be in a war situation anyway. It doesn’t kill your target. its just turns them into a zombie once their dead. Why not just kill them the first time? And once the zombies are released whatya gonna do? Celebrate the mutually assured destruction as the world collapses into a game of left 4 dead 2?
HAGAN: have all the positions of power in this world been filled with affirmative action for dumb, evil people?
Clip- get into the mainframe.
HAGAN VO: mila and the guy get into the mainframe, after being chased by and army of zombies that for some reason aren’t really allowed to be shown on screen.
HAGAN: 3 seconds of dog-fighting wire-fu costs roughly the same as 40 zombies. Was it worth it?
Clip- computer stuff.
HAGAN VO: So they decide to switch on the computer again and get her to help them escape. They set up a device that’ll allow them to destroy her if she messes with them.
HAGAN: Uncommonly sensible move.
CLIP- RED QUEEN ALIVE AGAIN. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ TRIES TO KILL HER.
HAGAN: ahh there goes the stupidity we’ve come to expect. Keep your PMS in check, Michelle.
Clip- talking to the computer.
HAGAN VO: So the team talk to the computer who explains all about the virus, how it got airborne in the base and infected everyone there. How she killed everyone to make them escape the terrible fate of being infected and being able to take a cure all the members of the team are now infected because they went down into the base without gas masks but they can be cured except michelle Rodriguez who has been infected through the zombie bite with the same virus she already had and she will soon die and become a zombie!
CLIP- GHOSTBUSTERS- everybody getting this so far?
HAGAN: So yeah. They decide to escape, aided by the computer before logic catches up with them and drinks their spinal fluid.
Clip- their escape sewars.
HAGAN VO: The escape takes them through the sewers where it appears to be raining. And suddenly because the story requires it the zombies have snuck up on them…
HAGAN: Stealth fucking zombies. AGAIN!
Clip- mila uses legs to break a neck. Dub- this could be worseI regret nothing!
Clip- slow motion zombie killing. Onto the pipes
Hagan vo: the director has no idea that slow motion doesn’t make crap action look cool. And everyone makes it up onto some pipes that can handle a lot of weight
Clip- everyone getting away. Tech guy by self.
HAGAN VO: the tech guy ends up on the pipes by himself with the zombies approaching. He has one bullet left.
Clip- tech guy kills zombie rather than self.
HAGAN: Heh. What a pussy.
HAGAN VO: So the guy from rome remembers that he was the person who set off the virus!
HAGAN: Shocking, given they found him in the train, having just escaped the base…
Clip-talking. Zombie bites him.
HAGAN VO: He plans to sell the virus and offers mila the chance to rule the galaxy with him as father and son or something. He gets bitten and runs off by himself.
Clip- rome guy makes it to the train.
HAGAN VO: He makes it to the train and is about to inject himself with the anti-virus when the licker…
HAGAN: Iv never really played the game. Far as I can tell it’s the love child of gene simmons and a xenomorph.
HAGAN VO: attacks and eats him. The computer that is dedicated to keeping the virus inside the base released an efficient hunter infected with it in order to kill a man who has both the virus and the anti-virus.
HAGAN: Fight fire with petrol why don’t you.
Clip- mutates after feeding on dna. Caption- BIOLOGY: YOUR DOING IT WRONG
Clip- talking to computer
HAGAN VO: So the computer refuses to let them out even though there’s the anti virus on the train because there’s a small chance it wont work and michelle rodriuegez will infect the rest of the world.
Clip- it’s a risk I cannot take.
HAGAN: Yes. You hate risks. Which is why you released the licker. Because it was definitely a bad idea.
Clip- yelling. Comp dies.
HAGAN VO: So the computer yells that they must kill michelle rodriegez, michelle Rodriguez yells that she must die, mila jovitch yells that she cant do it and the other guy wonders what he’s doing in this film. Mila doesn’t kill her and the computer is so angry it dies.
Hagan: actually no…
Clip- tech guy at door.
HAGAN VO: The tech guy who didn’t kill himself arrives, turns out he fried the computer with their computer frying device from earlier.
HAGAN: You’d think he’d have thrown that to the others when it looked like he was gonna die. What with it being their only insurance against the computer killing them and all… and why didn’t the computer kill them when he was separated from them?
Clip- getting to train, kill rome guy.
Hagan vo: so on the way to the train we see plenty shots of bra-less milas nipples through her dress.
HAGAN VO: She takes the anti-virus from rome guy, splats his zombie head in. and get on the train.
HAGAN: Michelle rodruegez seems to have died.
Clip- seems to be dead. Isn’t.
CLIP- SPACE BALLS- FOOLED YOU!
Clip- licker attacks.
Hagan vo: the licker attacks the train and kills the tech guy.
Hagan: really worth revealing he was still alive a few minutes ago wasn’t it?
Clip- fighting the licker. Toungue.
Hagan: around this time I discovered I wished I owned a copy of the movie killer tongue…
Clip- Rodriguez zombie.
Hagan vo: Rodriguez becomes a zombie, her teeth immediately go brown and she gets shot.
Clip- kill licker.
Hagan: now even though the licker scratched the only surving guy and the computer earlier said…
Clip- red queen on scratches.
CLIP- IN MANSION. GETTING CURE.
HAGAN VO: They decide to wait until they get back into the mansion before injecting him with the anti-virus. Of course the evil white suited scientists are waiting and take the guy away to study him.
Clip- I want to know what went on there.
HAGAN: yeah it’s a great pity that no one invented a way to communicate via computers. Or the ability to record visuals. Or even the ability to send those visuals from one location to another. Or possibly the ability to record sound…
Clip- mila wakes. Walks. Dead walk.
HAGAN VO: Mila wakes up in the middle of a deserted hospital and someone’s put up a newspaper refrence to the romero classic day of the dead and…
HAGAN: Then mila went on to have even worse sequels.
Clip- bits from movie.
HAGAN VO: This is awful. Its an insult to the zombie genre and that’s saying something. Its stupid its bad-bad-bad. Not children of the living dead bad but its bad.
HAGAN: Apart from its being bad There is one major issue with this film.
MINION: IT’s SHIT!
HAGAN: Apart from that. Its 15 rated. Less gory or goreless horror movies can be wonderful and in many ways making a non-gory horror movie that genuinely scares is the mark of a truly gifted film maker but zombie movies are about walking corpses that want to eat youto make a zombie film that is not gory misses the point of the genre. And adding kung fu, lasers and THAT soundtrack just compounded the problem the makers of the this film had NO IDEA HOW AND WHY ZOMBIE MOVIES WORK!
Clip- bits from the film and other films.
HAGAN VO: The film was directed by paul Anderson. He made a crap film called shopping. Then he made 2 decent ones in mortal kombat and event horizon and then made soldier. Which was decent until 10 minutes in and became shit. Everything he made afterwards was shit. I think after his first film he realised he had no ability and tried to sell his soul to make good movies. The devil then haggled him down to 2 and a bit decent movies.
HAGAN: If im right the director of aliens vs predator will spend all of eternity in hell! (smiles) anyway, this film is shit and I wish id never seen it.This was a request from Owen. FUCK YOU OWEN. Im diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day.
Heres the review
Heres the flubs