Scripts- Resident Evil review

This episode was written as an April Fools where Teddy would play Hagan. We werent going to mention that until right at the end when originally scripted I’d come out as Aleister and ask Hagan if she lost weight. Alas Teddy had trouble remembering the to-camera parts of the review and after several hours we gave up and eventually I re-tooled it as a basic Hagan review.

We used the fact he had makeup on as the basis for the intro to the Bosco review. That ep had been written and I had it on me but filming it that night was a last minute thing. Iv lost the Bosco script unfortunately.

This is probably my least favourite episode of Hagan, the films not a Hagan review film, the skits were cut for time and Im not convinced its any good.

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

HAGAN: Greetings gentle viewers and welcome to a very special between the series review. A Request from Owen. Tonight we watch…a piece of torture equipment, used mainly in conjunction with pliers, the rack and the bronze bull. I give you…

MINION Whispers in hagans ear.

HAGAN (shocked): Its NOT a piece of torture equipment?! Jeezus Really?… (back on track) this is resident evil(shaking head) fucking hell (pulls out microphone)

SOMEONE TIED TO CHAIR. IN FRONT OF RESIDENT EVIL.

HAGAN (VO ANNOUNCEMENT): Resident evil is technically not torture. Untie him and put him in the iron maiden instead.

MINION unties him.

SOMEONE: Thank you! Thank you!

HAGAN (puts microphone away): Anyway. As I was saying. This is resident evil.

cllip- resident evil.

CLIP- UMBRELLA CORP. details of umbrella corp. what they are known for. What they really do.
HAGAN: Ok. First of all.

HAGAN VO:If 9 out of 10 homes have its products AND it? the world leading supplier of Computer tech, medical products AND healthcare but its wealth is generated by military tech, genetic experiments and viral weaponry then…

HAGAN: economics, your doing it wrong! Do these people realise how much money is made in computer tech, medical products and health care?! No?!… neither do I but its a fuck load.
A Beat

HAGAN: And if the people who work for umbrella have no idea what they make and do they fucking employ monkeys?! Have they a legion of nameless, brainless, organ donors ?!… have they been using my minion banks

Clip- room in darkness. LAB.

HAGAN VO: Theres a room inside a black hole and someone in a hazard suit is working some robotic arms. You can tell this is the present day- the hazard suit is white. He is stealing some rather nifty paperweights.

HAGAN: Id love one of those for my desk. Its big, black and screams ?eath-dealing-mistress-of-destruction-but-approachableand that paperweight would really off-set the skulls.

Clip- guy throws paperweight. Closes door.

HAGAN VO: So the guy chucks the paperweight and leaves the room.

HAGAN: Ahh they want us to wonder about the identity of the paperweight destroying madman. That? a twist.

Clip- gas from the smashed paperweight.

HAGAN vo: I guess what was in it was extremely hot no wonder they kept it locked up.

HAGAN: I want one even more. Easily smashable, extremely hotjust imagine the fun I could have with that!

Skit- HAGAN behind a door. Head around doorway.

HAGAN: Minion come in here!

MINION ENTERS. Closes door.

HAGAN voice: Want to see something funny?

MINION: Yes.

Sound of glass smashing. Minion screams. Sound of flame. HAGAN laughs.
Clip- Gas in air.

Hagan vo: alas its not extremely hot just an unoriginal special effect representing a virus in the air. The dogs that are locked up immediately begin to bark.

HAGAN: these dogs can smell a virus in the air. And they want to attack it. I guess some sort of congratulations are in order, your secret genetic experiment labs full of guys who dont know what their doing have been very busy!

Clip- computer watching.

HAGAN VO: So the trusty sentient computer watches and discovers that the virus has been released. Why it had no idea that some guy stole the virus and broke it open before it got released I dont know. Maybe it can see but it cant hear.

HAGAN: Anyway like all hyper-intelligent computers who are faced with a virus that does nothing to the people who breathe it in unless they happen to die- then they turn into zombies, a virus whose cure is easily available in the same labs… the computer decides the best course of action is to kill everyone.

CLIP- OF COURSE!

Clip- killing.

Clip- dropping lift.

Clip- house haunted hill, lift ride.

HAGAN: Its a practical joker psycho computer! In many ways thats the best type.
Clip- woman tries to escape the lift. Nearly killed.

HAGAN: Oooh that nutty computer!

Clip- computer watching. Dub on sound- druscilla from buffy (bored now)

Clip- kills her.

HAGAN: The computer also decides to seal the doors to the base and doesnt send any messages to the outside world to let people know what has happened. Super intelligent computers! Willing to act like retards in order to allow the story to happen!

Clip- milla jovitch on ground.

HAGAN VO: So we cut to milla jovitch and…

HAGAN: Hey! PG Rated nudity!

Clip- mila jovitch.

HAGAN VO: So she’s lying on the floor of a shower, just waking up. Perhaps she’s been trying to forget seeing children of the living dead. Although the showers running she’s not wet.

HAGAN: Perhaps she just likes to stand naked and dry in the shower while she plays a sounds of the shower relaxation CD.

Clip- looking in mirror.

HAGAN VO: Mila jovitch has woken up with amnesia. This means she has flashbacks to her life that are both hyper-stylised AND not from her point of view.

Clip- looking around.

HAGAN VO: She looks around, not at all pleased even though she seems to live in a mansion.
Clip- find gun.

HAGAN: Ahhhh I stand corrected. Shes woken up in ted nugents house.

Clip- ted nugent.

HAGAN: Or perhaps the house of that couple in tremors.

Clip- mila jovitch in dress.

HAGAN VO: So mila jovitch has gone exploring and oh fuck…

HAGAN: Ladies and gentlemen and all those in between if you woke up with alone with amnesia, naked, would you choose a slinky, fuck-me dress to go exploring a big spooky mansion in?

Clip- frank n furter.

HAGAN: Ok. He might.

Clip- she goes outside. Hallway shortens…

Clip- lord of the rings. Get off the road!

CLIP- SHE RUNS INSIDE. PEOPLE ATTACK.

HAGAN: there were perfectly good doors…

HAGAN VO: By the music I guess we’re meant to be terribly excited by this scene. Riveting stuff.
Clip- I want your report. The housesprimary defences.

HAGAN: Primary defences? The sort of defences that let any random commando squad thats hanging around burst through its windows? Damn thats Efficient.

CLIP- SHES PROBLY STILL AFFECTED…

HAGAN: Oh the primary defence systems that make everyone inside the house go unconscious and wake up with no memory. Ya know, what? even worse…

Clip- talking. Ooh exciting.

HAGAN VO: The guy with a gun against his head is a local cop. Who… dropped in for some reason.

Clip- colin salmon reveals self.

HAGAN: Hey! Its colin salmon!… playing a.. badass… American… commando…

Clip- dr who- silence in the library. Dr moon.

HAGAN: No. Not seeing it.

Clip- michelle Rodriguez and guy blow me’

HAGAN: Oh I would love to michelle Rodriguez. But first a question for the audience- no matter how much she’s based her entire life and career on Vasquez from aliens HOW DOES A 16 YEAR OLD END UP IN AN ELITE COMMANDO TEAM?!

Clip- team on train.

HAGAN VO: Turns out the base and labs were miles underground and far from the mansion and are only accessible by a secret train link.

HAGAN: Makes you wonder exactly why they had guard dogs in the lab.

Clip- on train

HAGAN: And just to make things even dumber the base and labs where they build up all sorts of crazy viruses and genetic experiments is RIGHT UNDERNEATH A CITY.

Clip- on train.

HAGAN VO: The team find mila jovitchs husband. Take this as a commentary on their acting ability if you want- He went onto star in Rome and she ended up fucking the director of the film.

CLIP- CECIL B DEMENTED- I FUCK ALL MY DIRECTORS CECIL! I AM NOT ALL OF YOUR DIRECTORS!

Clip- at base.

HAGAN VO: The team have dragged the cop and their two amnesiacs with them as they go into the base to find out what happened and to destroy the computer for being mental. None of them are wearing masks or hazard suits even though there are serious bio weapons in the labs. There were no bio weapons in the mansion and they wore gasmasks in there.

Clip- red queen has locked onto us. She knows we’re here. Whos the red queen etc.

HAGAn: gotta love the psycho murdering computers dedication to the story over logic by not continuing its pattern and killing the team.

Clip- lets see how bad the flooding is.

HAGAN: The flooding looks pretty bad…

Clkip- what happened.

Hagan VO: So you don’t have a way to shut down a super intelligent AI that you calmly describe as having gone ‘homicidal’ from far away from it?

HAGAN: (points) You, you and you and everyone who is not mila jovitch and whoever is her love interest are going to die. I’m guessing the other one will not be michelle Rodriguez as this film is not interesting enough to have a love story between mila jovitch and a 16 year old female commando… Mores the fucking pity.

CLIP- HE GIVES HER COAT. ITS COLD IN HERE…

HAGAN: And she’s too dumb to dress appropriately.

Clip- guy stares at the grating.

HAGAN vo: the cop stares at a grating in a needlessly ominous way. This pointless moment has been brought to you by director paul Anderson.

Clip- them walking away. Close on zombie.

HAGAN: and she dramatically wakes up for a jump-scare in 3-2-1!

Clip- zombie wakes up.

Clip- supposed to be dining hall b. maybe they are keeping some secrets etc.

HAGAN: Oh no! they found the evil corporations SECRET DRY ICE FACTORY! (dramatic cord)

Clip- red queen chamber.

HAGAN VO: So the computer is called the red queen and they have reached its mainframe. But they have to walk though an ominous corridor to get there…

Clip- team in corridor. Music.

HAGAN: oooh danger music.

Clip- whats that? Laser.

HAGAN: I love that he asked that question before the laser appeared.

Clip- lasers. Kills woman.

HAGAN VO: The laser kills the woman and even though the wound is well and truly cauterised she still manages to bleed from the stump in her neck. So the lasers keep coming and before long…

Clip- kills colin salmon.

HAGAN: id say thats pretty cool but iv already seen cube.

Clip- cube.

HAGAN: Cube. When watching a film named after a shape. Accept no substitutes.

CLIP- LASERS AGAIN.

HAGAN VO: Im wondering. Why didnt the lasers just do that to begin with?

HAGAN: now think about this. We are watching a zombie film. Set in a secret genetic experiments lab and so far half the heroes have been killed by lasers!

Clip- frikking laser beams.

Clip- inner chamber.

HAGAN vo: so they set up an EMP device to destroy the computer.

Clip- red queen appears. Shes a holographic representation of the red queen.

HAGAN: Why the hell would you spend that sort of money on a hologram that almost no-one will see?!

Clip- power down.

HAGAN VO: the pulse pulses and the computer goes down cutting the power and opening all of the locked doors and releasing the zombies…

HAGAN: What the fuck sort of lock opens with such strength that the doors open when the power is cut?!

Clip- zombie.

Hagan vo: So yeah. There are zombies now.

CLIP- ZOMBIE BITES MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ.

HAGAN: Heh. I want to eat her too.

Clip- shoots zombie.

Clip- you shot me you a-hole (dr evil)

Clip- kills zombie. What was going on? Zombies body vanished.

HAGAN: (sigh) This might appear to be a dumb moment but I have real genuine footage of zombies that explode and vanish after being killed.

Clip- zsazsa.

HAGAN: I’m getting tired of covering for bad zombie movies. Resident evil, you owe me.
Zombie watching.

HAGAN: A zombie voyeur? Oooh fuck. Not more stealth zombies…

Clip- zombuies approach. Fighting.

HAGAN VO: zombies shamble in, they gun them down again I think its supposed to be exciting.

CLIP- LETS GO!

CLIP- ALIENS- MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!

HAGAN: Sorry I needed a clip from a film thats actually exciting to remind me I’m still alive.
Clip- thing explodes, fire. Fighting. Music- START A FIRE.

Clip- guy shoots and runs. Zombie falls over way to late to have been shot by him.

HAGAN (shocked): Holy crap. That was uwe boll level of incompetence!

Replay bit. Arrow on zombie that fell over too late.

HAGAN VO: How the hell did they not notice that?!

HAGN: I mean what the fuck?! HOW CAN THAT GET BY YOU! HOW DO YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT?! You stupid f-ing pieces of crap! (microphone) MINION!

MINION enters. HAGAN shoots MINION. MINION stands. MINION falls a second later.

HAGAN: So where were we? Oh yeah, the redshirts are going to the lift.

Clip- they get into the lift. Guy gets grabbed- HAHA. Add the adagio for strings over the slow mo death.

Clip- red queen chamber.

Hagan vo: so they run off and get into the mainframe and discuss how no-one seems to know what a zombie is.

Clip- you let them out

HAGAN: Kind of the job you were there to do, Michelle. Dont blame him, blame the designers of such shit doors, computers and well blame everyone involved in your company really. If there was an iota of intelligent matter in the staff this wouldnt have happened.

Clip- mila jovitch by self. Dog.

HAGAN VO: Mila jovitch has gone off by herself and of course ended up in a lab with the dogs. Who have burst out of their cages and developed a sudden case of harlequin icthyosis.

Pic- harlequin icthyosis.

Clip- dog attacks.. mila jovitch kicks. Dub- I know kung fu.

HAGAN: Hardly a fair fight. Mila the Nordic ninja versus lassie the plague-dog. Now this would be a worthy opponent!

Clip- karate dog.

Clip- cop looking in an office.

Hagan vo: because he’s a moron the cop is looking for his sister who worked in the offices.
Clip- shes there.

Hagan vo: And whatya know she there and she’s one of those harmless looking zombies who dramatically attack when their close.

Clip- mila splats her

HAGAN VO: Mila kills her with a paperweight.

HAGAN: That is a nice paperweight.

Clip- mila and cop.

Hagan vo: turns out that the cop isn’t a cop and is actually an activist who’s been trying to reveal what’s been going on in the labs. His sister was trying to get ahold of the virus to give it to the govt and had a contact with high level clearance who had offered to give her it.

HAGAN: We’re supposed to think that mila stole the virus for her and at the last minute changed her mind and decided to sell the virus instead. And set it off in the base to cover her tracks.

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: I’m not really sure how much use the virus would be in a war situation anyway. It doesn’t kill your target. its just turns them into a zombie once their dead. Why not just kill them the first time? And once the zombies are released whatya gonna do? Celebrate the mutually assured destruction as the world collapses into a game of left 4 dead 2?

HAGAN: have all the positions of power in this world been filled with affirmative action for dumb, evil people?

Clip- get into the mainframe.

HAGAN VO: mila and the guy get into the mainframe, after being chased by and army of zombies that for some reason aren’t really allowed to be shown on screen.

HAGAN: 3 seconds of dog-fighting wire-fu costs roughly the same as 40 zombies. Was it worth it?
Clip- computer stuff.

HAGAN VO: So they decide to switch on the computer again and get her to help them escape. They set up a device that’ll allow them to destroy her if she messes with them.

HAGAN: Uncommonly sensible move.

CLIP- RED QUEEN ALIVE AGAIN. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ TRIES TO KILL HER.

HAGAN: ahh there goes the stupidity we’ve come to expect. Keep your PMS in check, Michelle.

Clip- talking to the computer.

HAGAN VO: So the team talk to the computer who explains all about the virus, how it got airborne in the base and infected everyone there. How she killed everyone to make them escape the terrible fate of being infected and being able to take a cure all the members of the team are now infected because they went down into the base without gas masks but they can be cured except michelle Rodriguez who has been infected through the zombie bite with the same virus she already had and she will soon die and become a zombie!

CLIP- GHOSTBUSTERS- everybody getting this so far?

HAGAN: So yeah. They decide to escape, aided by the computer before logic catches up with them and drinks their spinal fluid.

Clip- their escape sewars.

HAGAN VO: The escape takes them through the sewers where it appears to be raining. And suddenly because the story requires it the zombies have snuck up on them…

HAGAN: Stealth fucking zombies. AGAIN!

Clip- mila uses legs to break a neck. Dub- this could be worseI regret nothing!

Clip- slow motion zombie killing. Onto the pipes

Hagan vo: the director has no idea that slow motion doesn’t make crap action look cool. And everyone makes it up onto some pipes that can handle a lot of weight

Clip- everyone getting away. Tech guy by self.

HAGAN VO: the tech guy ends up on the pipes by himself with the zombies approaching. He has one bullet left.

Clip- tech guy kills zombie rather than self.

HAGAN: Heh. What a pussy.

Clip- remembering.

HAGAN VO: So the guy from rome remembers that he was the person who set off the virus!

HAGAN: Shocking, given they found him in the train, having just escaped the base…

Clip-talking. Zombie bites him.

HAGAN VO: He plans to sell the virus and offers mila the chance to rule the galaxy with him as father and son or something. He gets bitten and runs off by himself.

Clip- rome guy makes it to the train.

HAGAN VO: He makes it to the train and is about to inject himself with the anti-virus when the licker…

HAGAN: Iv never really played the game. Far as I can tell it’s the love child of gene simmons and a xenomorph.

HAGAN VO: attacks and eats him. The computer that is dedicated to keeping the virus inside the base released an efficient hunter infected with it in order to kill a man who has both the virus and the anti-virus.

HAGAN: Fight fire with petrol why don’t you.

Clip- mutates after feeding on dna. Caption- BIOLOGY: YOUR DOING IT WRONG

Clip- talking to computer

HAGAN VO: So the computer refuses to let them out even though there’s the anti virus on the train because there’s a small chance it wont work and michelle rodriuegez will infect the rest of the world.

Clip- it’s a risk I cannot take.

HAGAN: Yes. You hate risks. Which is why you released the licker. Because it was definitely a bad idea.

Clip- yelling. Comp dies.

HAGAN VO: So the computer yells that they must kill michelle rodriegez, michelle Rodriguez yells that she must die, mila jovitch yells that she cant do it and the other guy wonders what he’s doing in this film. Mila doesn’t kill her and the computer is so angry it dies.

Hagan: actually no…

Clip- tech guy at door.

HAGAN VO: The tech guy who didn’t kill himself arrives, turns out he fried the computer with their computer frying device from earlier.

HAGAN: You’d think he’d have thrown that to the others when it looked like he was gonna die. What with it being their only insurance against the computer killing them and all… and why didn’t the computer kill them when he was separated from them?

Clip- getting to train, kill rome guy.

Hagan vo: so on the way to the train we see plenty shots of bra-less milas nipples through her dress.

HAGAN: Thanks.

HAGAN VO: She takes the anti-virus from rome guy, splats his zombie head in. and get on the train.

HAGAN: Michelle rodruegez seems to have died.

Clip- seems to be dead. Isn’t.

CLIP- SPACE BALLS- FOOLED YOU!

Clip- licker attacks.

Hagan vo: the licker attacks the train and kills the tech guy.

Hagan: really worth revealing he was still alive a few minutes ago wasn’t it?

Clip- fighting the licker. Toungue.

Hagan: around this time I discovered I wished I owned a copy of the movie killer tongue…

Clip- Rodriguez zombie.

Hagan vo: Rodriguez becomes a zombie, her teeth immediately go brown and she gets shot.

Clip- kill licker.

Hagan: now even though the licker scratched the only surving guy and the computer earlier said…

Clip- red queen on scratches.

CLIP- IN MANSION. GETTING CURE.

HAGAN VO: They decide to wait until they get back into the mansion before injecting him with the anti-virus. Of course the evil white suited scientists are waiting and take the guy away to study him.

Clip- I want to know what went on there.

HAGAN: yeah it’s a great pity that no one invented a way to communicate via computers. Or the ability to record visuals. Or even the ability to send those visuals from one location to another. Or possibly the ability to record sound…

Clip- mila wakes. Walks. Dead walk.

HAGAN VO: Mila wakes up in the middle of a deserted hospital and someone’s put up a newspaper refrence to the romero classic day of the dead and…

HAGAN: Then mila went on to have even worse sequels.

Clip- bits from movie.

HAGAN VO: This is awful. Its an insult to the zombie genre and that’s saying something. Its stupid its bad-bad-bad. Not children of the living dead bad but its bad.

HAGAN: Apart from its being bad There is one major issue with this film.

MINION: IT’s SHIT!

HAGAN: Apart from that. Its 15 rated. Less gory or goreless horror movies can be wonderful and in many ways making a non-gory horror movie that genuinely scares is the mark of a truly gifted film maker but zombie movies are about walking corpses that want to eat youto make a zombie film that is not gory misses the point of the genre. And adding kung fu, lasers and THAT soundtrack just compounded the problem the makers of the this film had NO IDEA HOW AND WHY ZOMBIE MOVIES WORK!
Clip- bits from the film and other films.

HAGAN VO: The film was directed by paul Anderson. He made a crap film called shopping. Then he made 2 decent ones in mortal kombat and event horizon and then made soldier. Which was decent until 10 minutes in and became shit. Everything he made afterwards was shit. I think after his first film he realised he had no ability and tried to sell his soul to make good movies. The devil then haggled him down to 2 and a bit decent movies.

HAGAN: If im right the director of aliens vs predator will spend all of eternity in hell! (smiles) anyway, this film is shit and I wish id never seen it.This was a request from Owen. FUCK YOU OWEN. Im diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day.

Heres the review

Heres the flubs

Fan Art- TGWTG characters alignments Calisotalatina

TGWTG and alignments

I agree with where they put Hagan. She follows the law to the letter. She just writes those laws.

Here’s Calisotalina’s deviantart

Diamanda Hagan 04 07 Maniac Nurses find Ecstasy

Its French, its got maniac nurses in it and its from Troma…

Fan Art- All Hail Hagan by ShuyinK

All Hail Hagan by ShuyinK

ShuyinK has done this piece of Fan Art. They certainly captured my actual weight!

Here’s their deviantart! Go check it out.

Hagan Commentaries- Heavy Metal

Hagan and the Nostalgic Critic check out their Crossover of Heavy Metal!

Vlog- BroCon 2012

Hagan and at least 1 minion went to BroCon 2012 in Limerick, Hung out with fans and a certain famous guy called Spoony. Crossover coming sometime…

The song (The BroCon staff ballad) is from here.

Vlog Review- The Dark Knight Rises

Hagan and Arnikarian the Minion are joined by The Avatar of Decent Humour in watching The Dark Knight Rises and stealing Brad and his friends shtick.

Adam Adamant Lives! Reviews Ep 13

Hagan takes an episode by episode look at the Classic 1960′s British spy/ hero series Adam Adamant Lives!

This is Adam Adamant Lives Season 1 Episode 13- The League of Uncharitable Ladies.

Hagan Commentaries- Butch Jamie

Hagan and The Omega commentate on their co-review of Butch Jamie.

Here’s the review.


Here’s the flubs.

Scripts- Heavy Metal crossover second draft.

When doing the Heavy Metal crossover I wrote the first draft and then The Critic edited it. Then there were further changes done in editing. Lots of things change when making vids and co-reviews often have more changes than most. So if you’re interested in the how things change or how the Critic and my styles change or even to see who came up with what take a look.

Here’s the original draft.

SECOND DRAFT. CRITICS DRAFT.

CRITIC is seen leaning back in his chair eating a donut reading the paper. He talks on his phone.

CRITIC: Secretary, what’s my schedule like today.

We see the BUM in another room looking over some papers.

BUM: Well Critic you have a five o’clock manicure, a three o’clock threatening of a micro nation in Wyoming, a two o’clock meeting with Todd in the Shadows to get both your eyebrows waxed…

CRITIC: Yeah his eyebrows are looking weird…

BUM: And a one o’clock crossover with Diamanda Hagan.

CRITIC: Who?

BUM: She is one of the reviewers on the site.

CRITIC: I was told I was getting Jesu Otaku this weekend.

BUM (rolling his eyes): No you weren’t.

CRITIC: Oh well, I know the drill. They act like they interrupt my review, I get angry…anyway if it’s one of the women on the site I’m sure I’m in for a fine looking peace of…

HAGAN suddenly appears on screen. Looking stern.

CRITIC: WAAAAH! Don’t hurt me!

HAGAN: What?

CRITIC: Please Mr. Joker I’ll do anything you want, just don’t harm me!

HAGAN: Critic, it’s me, Diamanda.

CRITIC: Oh my God we’re hiring people like you now? You look like the Crow if he was in Candy Land.

HAGAN: Well…hired.. accepted under many threats at gunpoint, either way I’m here.

CRITIC: Well, what kind of stuff do you review?

HAGAN: Anything really, as long as it inflicts a butt load of pain, or a pain load of butts.

CRITIC: You have a movie with one of these oh scary one?

HAGAN: I have a movie with both!

Clip – Heavy Metal title plays.

HAGAN VO – Based on the popular magazine of the same name, Heavy Metal combines science fiction stories and raunchy tales to create a cult masterpiece of cheese-dom.

CRITIC VO: Why does it have a cult following?

HAGAN VO: Some say it’s the writing, some say it’s the incredibly unique animation and creativity in the designs…but most say it’s for the boobies. Lots and LOTS of boobies.

HAGAN: So, ready to journey into a word of perverted delights.

CRITIC still looks scared at her.

HAGAN: Get over it!!!!!

HAGAN: oh get over it! (beat) I did.

CRITIC: I’m sorry, you look like what appears when I say Bloody Mary three times.

HAGAN VO: We open on a star-field in space.

CRITIC VO: As opposed to a star-field somewhere else?

HAGAN VO: Blow me.

CRITIC VO: We hear a mysterious voice explaining the all generic evil of the al generic universe. Tell me if you haven’t heard this dialogue a million times.

Clip- a shadow shall fall over the universe and evil will grow in its path…

CRITIC: A badness that will darken the light and evil up the shadowy dark. Epic!

Clip- green thing flies past camera. DUB ON sound of crashing and add camera shake., as though it smashed into the Heavy Metal Logo.

HAGAN VO: Uhp, look out for that title.

CRITIC VO (imitating the ball): Oh, this is why I should never drink while reigning death from the skies.

HAGAN VO: Over the credits that reads like the cast of SCTV, we get…

clip- car. Leaves space shuttle. Edit with the reactions. HAGANs eyes grow in slow confusion. Very confused.

CRITIC: Holy shit my testicles just exploded from the awesomeness of that visual.

HAGAN VO: But why the fuck is someone using a car in space?

CRITIC VO: Okay any question with the words “car” and “space” in them quickly become invalid.

HAGAN VO: But how is he steering it? Why isn’t it burning up? How did it survive the impact?

CRITIC: Listen, what part of ‘car in space’ do you not understand?

Clip- Car in space.

HAGAN VO: By the way this is a form of animation known as Rotoscoping, a somewhat controversial way of animating where they take real life film of people and draw over them.

HAGAN VO: But where most films at least ink and paint over their footage, this movie seems quite content with just lightly coding it with the remains of their milkshake.

Clip – guy looks down to Earth

HAGAN VO: Extra points for having the guy look down to make sure he was still aimed at the right planet mid drop.

CRITIC VO: So while he rides through the cornfields of the DESERT, he meets up with his daughter…

clip- what did you bring me? You’ll see.

HAGAN Dub- daughter: was it a bright green world destroying ball of doom?

CRITIC Dub- dad: maybe.

HAGAN VO: This guy’s idea of driving home involves an orbital drop, he’s clearly not sane.

Hagan vo: Besides, look.. he has the cold, dead eyes of an animated paedophile. I’m just saying that if he doesn’t get melted by a macguffin soon…

HAGAN: I think he’ll be getting her to ride his space shuttle… all night long…ooooh yeah.

Clip- opens box;. Melted.

CRITIC: Glenda is pissed!

HAGAN Dub – Glinda as the green bubble: Do you want a good death or a bad death?

Clip- do not try to escape. You are under my control.

CRITIC: (impersonating green thing) Even though I could clearly melt you like I did your father, I’d rather use you as a linking device for the following anthology of stories!

HAGAN VO: And that’s pretty much what happens. The green thing shows the girl and by extension- us the first of the stories.

Hagan vo: And we see the answer to a question that’s haunted the minds of people since… 1990…

HAGAN VO: what would happen if a captain planet villain stopped trying to pollute the world and instead spent their fortune looking for shit?

CRITIC VO: They would make seemingly simple metal detectors much more complicated in design and use.

HAGAN VO: Now we know.

CRITIC VO: Yes, now we know.

HAGAN VO: Through using his cartoonishly huge ferngullian digger and his slave army of Bird-Jawas he finds the… green… glowy thing…

clip- melt.

HAGAN VO: It’s somehow taken to New York of the future! … even though it kind of melts anyone who gets close to it…

CRITIC VO: Hey New Yorkers are used to harming their bodies all the time, they’re used to it.

HAGAN VO: and the movie suddenly decides it wants to be a film Noir.

Clip- Okay sucker, hand over your cash. Now. Melted.

CRITIC: Ok, do I really have to start a Melting counter? There’s more going on here than a rainy day at a Witch Bar-B-Q.

HAGAN VO: The green glowy things been put on display in a museum, which makes total sense… because one thing museums are known for is exhibits that can kill people.

CRITIC VO: But oddly enough it’s gangsters who murder the founder of the ever killing gobstopper, and his daughter escapes to The Cab drivers car.

HAGAN VO: As usual for a woman who’s just had her father murdered… she suddenly wants to have sex with someone!

CRITIC VO: Nothing like that dead father, mobster tie in, glowing ball of death rebound.

HAGAN: You know, I don’t see this working. She’s just lost her dad, why is she horny?

CRITIC: It’s a noir, everybody in those are horny.

HAGAN: No, I’m going to test this. I’m going to Kill some woman’s father and see if she’ll sleep with me.

HAGAN walks off.

CRITIC: You go outside?

CRITIC VO: She takes off in the middle of the night, pff, typical woman, wham bam thank you…sir, and later we see the gangsters in the backseat of his cab.

Clip – I wouldn’t do that.

CRITIC: Oh no he found my only weakness, asking politely!

CRITIC VO: Seriously, this story would be over in a blink, nay, a tap of a foot, but because he asks he doesn’t do it. You gotta give those New Yorkers credit, they are famously polite. So he meets the woman at the statue of liberty. He agrees to help her exchange it with the gangsters. The exchange is made and…oh, just guess what happens.

CLIP- GANGSTER IS MELTED.

CRITIC taps corner of screen and the melting counter goes up.

CRITIC: I, yeah, I still can’t believe I need one of these.

CRITIC VO: So the woman, really out of nowhere turns against the cabbie, which means of course …

Clip – Melted

CRITIC: Oh my God movie what is your beef? Did the writer’s mother die in a microwave or something????

CRITIC VO: And by the way if you’re wondering where the story goes from there, it doesn’t. Yeah, that’s the ending for this one. In any other film this would just be the intro, but Heavy Metal’s philosophy is just when things are looking like a good set up for a story, you never give them the story.

CRITIC: It’s like Phillip Glass, the less he keeps your attention, the happier he is.

HAGAN returns. Black eye.

HAGAN: What did I miss?

CRITIC: 2 meltings. What happened to your eye?!

HAGAN: She didn’t want to sleep with me.

CRITIC: Well.. did she know you killed her dad?

HAGAN: Yeah, I did it in front of her.

CRITIC: That Might have been the problem.

Clip- green glowy thing in the house with the girl. I HAVE CHOSEN YOU BECAUSE YOU POSSESS POWERS YOU DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND.

HAGAN: From how wide you can get your mouth, I’m guessing they include fellatio.

CRITIC VO: We open our next story with a nerd named Den who doesn’t realise that a BRIGHT GREEN GLOWING METEORITE might not be the smartest thing to pick up. This sends him hurtling through time and space to the planet Mongo.

Clip – Blazzing Saddles clip of Mongo saying “Mongo only pawn in game of life.”

Clip- the worshippers at the planet, see through pool.

HAGAN: do you think they noticed they have a hole in their planet?

Clip- No hair… hmmm. Big…

CRITIC: yes may that large, muscular and strangely aerodynamic body be a lesson to you! For now… you are JOHN CANDY: OF GOR!

Pic- John candys head. Conans body. Conan music. JOHN CANDY OF GOR!

Clip- There’s no way I’m gonna walk around here with my dork hanging out.
CRITIC: I mean walking around naked? Who do they think I am in this movie, a woman?

HAGAN VO: The random topless priestess orders the cultists to drown this random topless woman, of course Den rescues her and she instantly falls in love with him.

Hagan vo: Because she has… Tits.

CLIP- IF ANY PART OF MY BODY PLEASES YOU, ILL GIVE IT TO YOU. WILLINGLY.

CRITIC: JOHN CANDY OF GOR likes your EYES! (Reaches forward and plucks, scream added) hmmmm you are lucky JOHN CANDY OF GOR not take your BREASTS!

CLIP- ABOUT TO HAVE SEX.

CRITIC VO: So how old was Den? He looked and acted like he was about 12? Is this technically paedophilia?

Clip – The Graduate: Mrs. Robinson you’re trying to seduce me.

CLIP- INTERUPTED DURING SEX. COME!`

HAGAN VO: I was just about to, ya damn furry! They get taken to a local leader, a guy trying his best to impersonate Martin Clunes in classic Doctor Who’s Snakedance…

clip- You must be den of Earth.

HAGAN VO: I just noticed. This whole place is a bit human centric. Both the leaders have been humans but their forces are either the furrys or guys with no heads… All strikes me as a bit racist.

HAGAN VO; And the crab people I rule with an iron fist agree. Because I told them too.

PIC- PHOTOSHOP OF A GANG OF CRAB-PEOPLE. DUB ON A NON-COMITTAL ‘YAAAAAY’

HAGAN DUB: Yaaaaayyyyy

HAGAN VO: Because Kojak the barbarian’s girlfriend has been imprisoned in a glass case, he gets sent off to capture the green-glowy thing from the priestess from earlier.

CLIP- they talk of a savage beast who prowls these catacombs with teeth.. 6 inches long… 16 inches long.

CRITIC: Forgive me, poor attempt at penis joke.

HAGAN VO: Kojak the barbarian gets into the palace, is captured but turns the evil priestess on so much that her robe changes colour between shots!

CRITIC VO: It happens.

HAGAN VO: Of course, they fuck… and while she’s kept busy gnarl steals the glowy thing!

CLIP- BOY WAS SHE PISSED OFF.

CLIP- LEAPS OFF THE TOWER TOWARDS WATER. Add a muffled crash as he hits the water.

CRITIC: Well obviously nobody could survive that. Oh well. He’s dead. Movies over I guess. I’m the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don’t have to.

CRITIC leaves through left side. Immediately re-enters through the right.

CRITIC: That’s not usually how that works.

Clip- footage from a British TV show called The Goodies appears in the upper right hand corner of the shot beside The Critic. I will provide the footage. Is someone in a black circle pointing to the lower left and yelling ‘Its called a camera trick you fool!”

HAGAN (looking down to the right) : Its called a camera trick, you fool!

CRITIC swats at the clip. It vanishes.

CRITIC: what was that?!

HAGAN: an old British TV show. Do you want to continue with this crossover or should I bring out the Blakes 7 clips?

HAGAN VO: So Kojak the barbarian makes it back to the clearly evil guys base just in time to discover that he’s clearly evil. Oh the shock of it all.

HAGN VO; Both sides of creatures battle over who’s gonna sacrifice the girlfriend… and…both the villains end up dead…

CRITIC VO: With both sides leaders dead, JOHN CANDY OF GOR and his girlfriend leave on a giant dragonfly, safe in the knowledge that all those furrys will probably kill each other in a massive orgy of bloodlust to take over as soon as their over the horizon. End of pointless story number 2.

HAGAN VO: The next story’s set on a massive fucking space station that looks like the Oddyssy from Ulysses 31, where someone’s finally putting Zapp Brannigan on trial… though not for stealing Captain Marvels costume.

HAGAN VO: He provides a character witness… but it doesn’t go very well…

clip- the speech before the court. HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD LAW ABIDING CITIZEN… TURNS INTO HULK!

CRITIC: Well I can tell THIS one is going to be very story based.

HAGAN VO: Soon as it turned into Law and Order: Avengers Unit… I’m pretty sure everyone forgot what the trial was originally about.

CRITIC: I’m just disappointed that we’ve gone 20 minutes without a melting.

Clip- THANKS HANNOVER. TRAPDOOR…. VERY FEW ESCAPE MY GRASP, EVEN IN DEATH…

CRITIC Dub – Green Ball: Yes, that was my very lose tie in with that story, I probably could’ve edited it out or maybe inserted myself into it more by lying, but that is the story I told. Are you standing comfortably by the way? I know I tend to ramble on sometimes, especially when I should just be killing the person I said a moment ago is the only one who can stop me. But I still have a good 49 of doom to tell you. I guess I just have a compulsion to waste people’s time, as well as my own. Hell if I could, I’d even have commercial interruptions to waste people’s ti-

Cut for commercial.

CRITIC Dub – Green Ball: Well, that was lucky. Any who, do you want snacks, this next one can be a little lengthy. There’s not any naked women in this one but my guess is you’re not that into it…I am…a lot…anyway, planes.

Clip – WW2 planes.

CRITIC VO: So we’re suddenly in ww2 when they suddenly see somebody is following them.

clip- looks out window. Some-things following us. What is it?

HAGAN Dub- looks like John Carter on his way back from Mars again!

CRITIC: You saw that?

HAGAN: SOMEBODY had to!

HAGAN VO: The green glowy thing infects the plane and turns the dead crew-members into zombies because.. it can do that now and this.. frankly is the best part of the film.

HAGAN VO; The idea of men trapped in a tight, enclosed area like a bomber with zombies. It could make for a brilliant film.

CRITIC VO: Good thing we’ll once again take no advantage of this great idea and instead parachute out.

HAGAN VO: I think it’s time for the Rod Serling ending!

Clip- He finds other planes.

CRITIC: Amelia Earhart! Nooooooo!

CRITIC VO: One TRON wipe later and we see there’s a meeting at the pentagon!

Clip- Doctor Anorax 6 more mutants were sighted in Arizona this week!

HAGAN: are you thinking what I’m thinking?

CRITIC: I think so.. but how could I get Catherine Zeta Jones to dress up like batman.

HAGAN: I was thinking about Insano…

CRITIC: Oh yeah, insano…how could HE get Catherine Zeta Jones to dress up like Batman?

clip- guy ignores questions. Walks.

HAGAN VO: I don’t have time to answer your questions, I have walking to do!

CRITIC VO: So they’re having this top secret meeting about the mutations that are spreading throughout the planet and how it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with aliens.

HAGAN VO: And I’m currently wondering what he’d have done in other… just as obvious situations in history.

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in-front of The Hidenburg. Speech bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that it is in fact a large candle and man has not yet managed to fly’

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in Baghdad. (a’la Baghdad Bob/ Comical Ali the information minster from the second Iraq war) Speech Bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that the enemy are being killed in their hundreds by our glorious forces’

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX at the Valetine’s Day Mascre. Speech Bubble: ‘This looks like Werewolves.’

CRITIC: so as expected… mid speech the most ironic thing possible happens.

Clip- it is my firm belief…. in the universe… SPACESHIP OVER PENTAGON. SAD TROMBONE.

HAGAN VO: So the starship Happy Face sucks up the secretary and the doctor.

clip- doctor lands. Breaks. Oh nice job. He’s fucked.

HAGAN: wait, if they planted the doctor there to convince the world there were no aliens. Why did they decide to get him back… revealing to the world there are aliens!?!?!

CRITIC: How many more times do I have to tell you? There was a car in space. Questions invalid.

CRITIC VO: Of course the ships robot immediately falls in love with the secretary. And like most women, she falls in love with a small phallic shaped machine who will stay after sex.

Clip- post sex. that was incredible.

Critic: So really every woman in this movie is like a game of Perfection. If just…something can fit into the slot, it’s worth putting it there.

HAGAN: How’d they have sex anyway? I’m guessing it’d be something like this.

Clip- space truckers. Charles Dances pull-string penis.

Clip- the ship flies off. Intro space. Past USS Enterprise.

CRITIC: what? Was that the fucking Enterprise?

Clip- flies past Enterprise.

CRITIC VO: That’s…so…random. What the Hell is the Enterprise doing in the 40s, or present day, or whenever the fuck that futuristic trial was happening?

HAGAN VO: It could be flying back to capture some dolphins or some crap.

CRITIC VO: Shut up.

HAGAN VO: You shut up. So the pilots get high in the least hygienic way possible and almost crash the ship while the robot and secretary almost instantly decide to get married… because funny.

Clip- It’ll have to be a Jewish wedding. Jewish wedding?

Clip- the house again.

HAGAN VO: I’m just waiting for that house to eat the both of them. And itself.

Clip- look into me one final time.

CRITIC VO: Trust me, by this point, I think she’d prefer death then listen to one more of your pointless, perverted stories. You are a horny little green ball, and you ramble a touch!

HAGAN VO: In this story the glowy thing crashes into a mountain on an alien desert planet, of course the locals… as in ALL the locals decide to go check it out. After all, Optimus Prime could be in there!

CLIP- ERUPTION. Guys covered in the lava stuff

CRITIC: Hey, its green lava! Which means ALL THESE PEOPLE got melted! Yes! Those are the kind of melting numbers I’m talking about!

CRITIC looks at counter. Number goes up until it explodes.

Clip- a hand reaches out of the green stuff.

CRITICS counter resets to zero. CRITIC moans.

Clip- the guys hand out of the lava-snot.

HAGAN VO: Okay, the green-lava-mountain-snot-vomit… of evil mutated them but I gotta ask, how did his fingernails grow so quickly?!

Clip- death to all who oppose us!

CRITIC DUB – LEAD GREEN GUY: Now… lets get chicken!

HAGAN DUB OTHER GREEN GUY: I’m a Vegetarian.

CRITIC DUB – LEAD GREEN GUY: KILL HIM!

Clip- attack. People dying.

HAGAN VO: We see what Eternia would look like if Skeletor got his shit together, so surely the leaders must have some plan, some weapon to beat back the hordes of evil on their doorstep.

Clip- we are statesmen etc. Taarnac the defender. There’s one left. One can do much etc.

CRITIC: So why did you wait until their literally beating down your door…

HAGAN VO: They let out the call to summon their world’s very last hero…

Clip- taarna walks towards the camera.

HAGAN: A giant-hawt-big-titted-warrior ho!

CRITIC VO: So how long until this one gets nak-

Clip- she derobes

CRITIC: I guess that was a stupid question.

HAGAN VO: Sensing that since we never actually saw the old guys who summoned her die and if she rushed then she might actually be able to save them she decides to spend the next 3 minutes putting on what she considers armour.

Hagan vo: Thigh high boots, a thong, a sleeveless bra, a belt and a single shoulder pad… if she’s so OK with being naked why bother change at all? That’s not going to do her any more good than being naked… in fact it might be less effective…

HAGAN: If she was naked she could just distract the enemy with her huge fucking tits.

Clip- to defend, this is the pact…. to avenge. Takes sword. Obvious joke incoming.

CRITIC VO: She-man! And the Big-titted mistress of killing shit! (I think I should do this because I can imitate the He Man opening song pretty well)

CRITIC VO: So Taarna and her bird-thing make it to the city and what the fuck do you know… everybody’s dead.

Clip- everybody’s dead dave. Red dwarf.

HAGAN VO: Who would have thought that the old guys waiting until the enemy were breathing down their throat and her taking an ice-age to get dressed woulda resulted in everyone she’s supposed to protect being fucking dead?

CRITIC VO: That Galaxy Security is doing a heckuva job.

HAGAN VO: She tracks the mutants down to a… western style… sci-fi bar where everyone’s listening to… Devo…

CRITIC: Hey, it’s better than the other band they had here last week.

Clip – Star Wars Cantina band.

CRITIC: they just kept playing the same song over and over.

CRITIC VO: Now the funny thing is that throughout this entire story this woman never talks. And honestly, she’s the most interesting character in the film. I know that’s weird but her actions, the constant determination on her face, and even the fact that she has a connection with her animal friend makes her much more interesting than any one line of dialogue from the rest of these clowns.

HAGAN: Oh so THAT must be why everyone plays her character in Dungeons and Dragons, huh?

CRITIC: No they play her for the tits, but she’s still a good character, too.

HAGAN VO: She flies to the mutant camp but gets herself captured by their… random bird thing net… they had set up in case the main character from Joust attacked.

Clip- have her bound and brought to me.

Clip- flash gordon. Ming the merciless. ‘FOR OUR PLEASURE!’

HAGAN VO: She gets stripped naked, tortured and thrown in a pit with the cast of Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors but the mutants are good enough to throw her gear in with her so in no time she’s escaped and ready to kill the crap out the mutants!

Hagan vo: Who are of course good enough to send their leader out to fight her alone…

CRITIC VO: You know the Lord of all evil is not very good at planning ahead, is he?

clip- fighting. TAARNA is about to hit the guy with his own chainsaw.

Clip- running man. THIS SAW IS PART OF ME. NEXT IM GONNA MAKE IT PART OF YOU.

Clip- stabs him with the chainsaw. And then punch.

CRITIC: It takes a special sort of hero to punch someone after killing them with their own chainsaw… an asshole I think is what they’re called, but a badass asshole.

HAGAN VO: She sits atop her noble bird-thing and faces the green-glowy thing head on… and proves that she once again.. has the power… because her castle of Grayskull moment earlier was apparently foreshadowing!

CLIP- nooooo. House explodes.

CRITIC: wait? What the fuck just happened?!

CRITIC VO: Did that things memory of being defeated just kill it… in the present?! And whys the girl now… Taarna… Is she Taarna reincarnated? Does just her being near the thing kill it? Why’d it die twice? What the fuck?!

HAGAN: Listen, its simple.

HAGAN VO: Either she’s a reincarnation of Taarna and telling the story killed it.. for no reason… or it knew how it would be killed and decided to stop its fate by killing Taarna as a child.. and then exploded for no reason.

CRITIC: Neither of those makes any more sense than the other.

HAGAN: I said it was simple. I didn’t say it made sense.

CRITIC: This isn’t a movie! Its a series of horny fanfictions that somehow got a budget!

CRITICS OVERVIEW: Some things work, like the animation at times is very stylized and impressive, and a lot of the designs and ideas can be creative, and do I even need to say the soundtrack fucking rocks? But the stories just go nowhere, and stop before they even get started. The last one is the closest thing to a complete story, and even that has an ending that makes no sense. Some of it’s impressive, but it’s mostly just pervertedness posing as badass art.

HAGAN: Personally, I like most of it.

Hagan vo; Yeah the linking story of the green-thing is a bit shit and ultimately makes no sense because its abilities change all the time and who the fuck even knows what happens at the end…

Hagan vo: because the last time I had to deal with a green-glowy orb thing of death I blasted it into fucking space! Where the Kruulaggs can deal with it… but … sorry… I just went on a tangent there…

Hagan vo: some parts are very well done, especially the B52 section. And all of it, even in its worst bits are as imaginative as fuck. There’s a sequel which.. is like a middling to bad story in this one stretched to 90 minutes and talk of either a remake or another film coming soon. I hope its good.

HAGAN: Well that was fun, Critic. Want to take a look at Ralph Bakshi’s Fire and Ice?

CRITIC (green-screened into a car in space): Sorry I’m in a car in space. For the last time your question is INVALID!

HAGAN: Fine. I’ll go amuse myself with the cries of infants… (walks off)

CRITIC: I’m the nostalgia critic! I remember it so you don’t have to! WOOHOOO!

CRITIC IN CAR FLYS OFF. I suggest the end credits music is Radar Rider by Riggs because it was the car in space music from the movie.

Here’s the ep