Scripts- Faust: Love of the Damned

1st time I met Robyn the Minion they were visiting Teddy/ Avatar at home and decided to watch this episode (it was new), Robyn had never seen the show before but liked it so much they became a mainstay of the show for years. After myself, Teddy and the Avatar they are probably the most important person involved in my end of production. They watched horrible films with me, made suggestions for jokes, adlibbed like hell, joined me for Backseat Critiques and died more times than was rational on camera. I miss having them around.


HAGAN wearing hat.

hagan: greetings gentle viewers! The hat was a gift…. from my Cousin…. DO NOT LAUGH! Tonight we look at the sub-sub-sub-sub-sub genre of Satantic/ horror superhero movies! Its an obscure genre. There’s like 2 films in it. This is the less famous one. FAUST LOVE OF THE DAMNED!


Clip- guy waking up, destroyed apartment.

Hagan vo: a guy wakes up in the middle of his destroyed flat, a dead woman is being hung from the ceiling.

Hagan: that must have been quite a drinking session.

Clip- credits.

Hagan vo: we then get several minutes of credits over some theme music that sounds like sepultura. But crap.

Hagan: probably post-max cavalera sepultura.

Clip- credits.

HAGAN VO: Movie, really. credits go at the end!

Hagan: that way we dont have to look at them.

Clip- in insane asylum.

Hagan vo: so after the credits we get this show, showing Jeffrey combs and some doctor staring at the guy from the start. The doctor explains that.

Clip- people are not cars

Hagan: vital knowledge that combs will take into consideration the next time he tries his green glowy re-animation juice on a vehicle.

Clip transformers movie clips, re-animator clips. Editted like a trailer. RE-ANIMATOR 4. THIS TIME ITS VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER!

Clip- combs arrives at crime scene.

Hagan vo: so now we see jeffrey combs arrive at a stately home, theres a madman inside and everyones been given orders to wait for the commissioner. since combs is the least likely hard edged, badass lone wolf cop possible and there seems to be mood slime from ghostbusters two in there he decides to screw orders and go in.

hagan: this is my first big problem with this film. Now, I love stuart gordon and brian yuzna films usually but… casting jeffrey combs as your leather jacket wearing, sideburns having, kill-anything in his path cop?! No…

clip- from diff combs films. Camp slimy- weyoun. Camp crazy- milton dammers. Camp mental- herbert west. Camp money-grubbing- brunt. Camp brain damaged- from beyond.

Hagan vo: Jeffrey combs plays camp slimy bastards, camp crazy bastards, camp mental bastards, camp money grubbing bastards and camp brain damaged bastards

hagan: he’s my favourite actor but having him play someone who’s not camp and not a bastard kind of destroys the point of hiring jeffrey combs!

Clip- combs enters.

Hagan vo: okay the crime scene is… a bad waxworks recreation of a murder scene. That’ll make it moderately hard to find the actual victims, speaking of which where are they?

Clip-commisioner arrives.

Hagan vo: the commissioner arrives, sure he looks like a hard working, high ranking cop, a bit like a fat vincent schivelli but don’t let that fool you, he sounds like this.

CLIP- Him saying something.

HAGAN VO: And therefore sounds even more like a bad comedy ethnic cop than chief o’hara. The commissioners none too happy that combs went in against his orders. Inside combs finds more broken waxworks. Still no sign of any actual dead people.

Hagan: or the mood slime.

HAGAN VO: techno-wolverine in a tux jumps out but refuses to kill combs for some reason and the commisioner and his men arrive. Techno-wolverine goes catatonic.

Clip- he’s not a threat anymore! To I am!

Hagan: yooooooou are… clearly a substandard villain!

Clip- jeez the chinese consol.

Hagan: the chinese consol?! Where?! Ooohhhh their meant to be actual dead bodies….. that’s embarrassing. For them.

clip- walking away.

Hagan vo: turns out that was a flashback and….

clip- stock scream.

Hgaan: someone is playing stock movie screams quite loudly in there.

Clip- combs bumps into woman.

Hagan vo: combs bumps into this attractive ex-model made to look mousy and is instantly attracted.

Clip- I get jumpy around beautiful women.

Hagan: personally I find it the idea that jeffrey combs would play someone interested in having sex with a woman without first kidnapping and skinning her vaguely disturbing.

Hagan vo: perhaps he senses that she’s obviously one of those mousy types who will inevitably turn crazy with sex by the end of the story. Sure she’s missing with glasses but she’s so got the right hair and suit for it.

Clip-she tries to help.

Hagan vo: she’s a psychiatrist who uses music to try and get through to catatonic patients. How this works is never explained. I’m going to assume that hearing songs from the land before time part 8 incenses even people in comas into beating people up.

Clip- patrick.

Clip- m and woman.

Hagan vo: meanwhile in the mansion of evil. Andrew divoff watches a lot of TVs showing cnn.

Hagan: I think he owns shares.

Hagan vo: and a woman comes in. they talk about the sort of things that are relevant when your an evil albino who watches cnn and a woman who sounds like she’s constantly orgasming.

Hagan: she’s usually shot from the waist up so the audience cant see the dwarf that’s constantly going down on her. I would never be so unprofessional. (hagan winces in pain and looks down) no! Not the teeth! Not the teeth!

Offscreen- sorry mistress.

Clip- combs house.

Hagan vo: meanwhile in the house of combs he searches for information on a satanic conspiracy called ‘the hand’ that he believes rules the world. And he finds info on them 8th in the list on google…

hagan (looks offscreen): minion… look up the hand for me.

Adds sound effect of typing.

Hagan stands there. Looking at camera.

Minion enters with pieces of paper.

Hagan: thank you. ok. The hand. Number one is the movie- the hand, later on we have hand to mouth, talk to the hand and oh and information on falconry and a fictional group of ninjas in the marvel universe… (looks down) Nothing on an evil satanic conspiracy called the hand.

Hagan vo: Why does this bother me? Because with a name that generic they would have to be extremely famous to even come up on a search engine. And if your an evil secret satanic order that rules the world, you are not going to be famous! Why? Because you wouldn’t be secret then!

Hagan: And your a detective, really… the internet?


Hagan: you ignore orders, think humans and cars are the same thing, get your information from something awful and are played by jeffrey combs. Why are you a detective?!.(waits) I have got to stop expecting answers from films. I’m sorry. Next scene…

clip- woman goes to see patient.

Hagan vo: the adventurous psychiatrist goes to see her patient in his padded room. And she’s not at all worried that he’s managed to cut himself and has drawn pentagrams on the wall in his own blood.

Hagan: apart from the obvious problem with having a patient who sliced people into small pieces somehow being able to cut himself in his padded cell…. this guys supposed to be catatonic. The only way a catatonic person can cut themselves is if someone balances razor blades on them and pushes them down the stairs!

Clip- sees cd.

Hagan vo: so the guy sees a cd recognises and…

add some sort of irritating song to the scene.

Clip- he upset.

Hagan: nows a good time to mention that aleister auditioned for this part.

Clip- various shots of jaspers- aleister beside doing impersonation.

My name is john jaspers

god is a joke inside a nightmare

im the pornography that gets you off

what do you think brother, too much blood or not enough… OH! I CUT MY TOUNGUE!

hagan: I think somehow aleisters performance was less embarrassing.

Clip- painting.

Hgaan vo: now we get another flashback. Techno-wolverine is just a mild mannered painter and he lives with his beautiful girlfriend with a bad russian accent… who’s black.

Hagan: is it that hard to change the character to haitian or african or something?

Hagan vo: you could have even kept the bad accent, you know Americans. One foreign accents much like another, they wouldnt have known the fucking difference. So the russian mafia attack, with their own black member and proceed to put on sepultura, beat the shit out of the guy and rape and murder the girl.

Hagan: they do it because their the russian mafia. They lose their license if they don’t hit their rape and murder quotas.

Clip- destroy house. Kill and rape etc. music. Loud.

Hagan: I’V DIRECTED WORSE MUSIC VIDEOS THAN THIS! No, wait… I said that wrong…

hagan vo: so what do we learn from all this? Well that the russian mafia really want to get caught. They didnt just leave a witness alive and their dna all over the girlfriend but they didnt even wear gloves while trashing the place and putting cds on!

hagan vo: so the flashback ends and…

clip- in spite of all our science and technology I always knew evil existed.

hagan: i’m famous!

Clip- water.

Hagan vo: and the flashback begins again as he tries to kill himself but is stopped by orgasma, queen of lust and the albino gangster. Albino gangster conjures up a contract through use of cgi and offers him the chance for vengeance in exchange for his immortal soul. The guy clearly hasn’t seen any of the wishmaster films because he doesn’t realise that deals with andrew divoff always go badly for mortals.

Clip- lots of religious sounding crap.

Hagan: wow. Want to throw on any alam salaikims or hari krishans into your random religious crap sandwich?

Hagan vo: Anyway the contract is signed and the guy is now TECHNO-WOLVERINE!

Clip- wolverines! Red dawn. Pic of wolverine.

Hagan: interesting fact, wolverines claws were originally supposed to be from gauntlets too.

Clip- faust screams at the sky.

Hagn vo: and now techno-wolverine is acting like wolverine in x-men origins.


Hagan: and this is becoming a spiral ouroboros of referencing.

Clip- looking in mirror.

Hgaan vo: so techno-wolverine is looking in a mirror in a psyche himself up to go kill people scene, except he’s already in the hideout of the guys who murdered his girlfriend.

Hagan: I think he broke in and just waited til they came back.

Clip- guy threatens him. Woman appears.

Hagan vo: so this guy wearing arnies terminator 3 jacket hurts him and then hello sheer bra! As the bisexual sister of a character from the obscure playstation game Vs punches him. Then he gets back up and stabs the guy through the chest and then slices the woman into tiny pieces offscreen.

Hagan: signifying that one of the guys who raped AND murdered your girlfriend should get a quick death while a woman who punches you should be turned into crem brulee. Misogyny? noooooooo!

Hagan vo: but just to show that their not misogynists the womans brutal murder is kept off screen. Techno-wolverine then stabs the boss of the gang through the chest. Signifying again that…

hagan: men who rape AND murder your girlfriend only deserve to be stabbed while women who punch you in the face must be sliced into pieces.

Clip- divoffs masion.

Hagan vo: so Albino gangsters getting medical treatment from the non-hot dr at the psychiatric hospital, techno-wolverine arrives back and gives him someones heart, which sounds like its beating but its not… techno-wolverine says he cant kill again but…

clip- yes you can., ecstasy of it etc.

hagan: I’m andrew divoff, i’m an actor! Not an UNDER-actor!

Hagan vo: techno-wolverine again refuses to kill again because he’s got his vengeance so…

Clip- stand by for mind control (time bandits)

hagan vo: albino gangster mind controls him into eating the heart of the lead russian. This will make him want to kill again. Of course this doesn’t explain why the pre-mind controlled tecnho-wolverine brought the heart to him in the first place.

Hagan: and why it sounds like its still beating!

Clip- shower.

Hagan vo: so like most people mind controlled into eating a raw human heart techno-wolverine has a shower.

Hagan: he also tries and fails to throw up. What a time to not be bulemic.

Hagan vo: so enters toreador the prostitute with one thing on her mind.

HAGAN: Whist! No, actually its sex.

Clip- sex, camera.

Hagan vo: albino gangster watches them. Because the devil apparently is into amateur voyeur porn.

Clip- cell.

Hagan vo: with that the flashbacks end. He went to the embassy and killed the wax dummies.. I mean the people and he ended up in the hospital and knows that the servants of albino gangster will be coming for him!

Hagan: because…. (shrugs) I’m not sure…

clip- take him.

hagan vo: so they kidnap him and threw him in a grave with his claw gauntlet things, which really will come back to haunt the baddies later and after a long villainy speech from albino gangster they bury him alive. now prepare yourself for what I think is a one off in film.

Clip- spider.

Hagan: hell-spider-skeleton-demon-rape!… Take a BIG shot!

Hagan vo: so somehow while being raped and strangled techno-wolverine gets his arms out of the locked straight jacket and into the gauntlets, which have also been sent to hell because…

HAGAN: Gauntlets apparently not only have souls… but damned souls…

hagan vo: he then kills the hell-spider-skeleton-demon and climbs out of his grave and….

hagan: what the fuck?!

Hagan vo: did they not think that SOMEONE would notice this giant fucking gravestone with a gargoyle and FAUST written across it?! This a fucking park! And even if it was a graveyard, they keep track of graves y’know!

Hagan: none of the bad guys in this film even understand the concept of hiding their tracks, do they?!

MINION: Mistress! We’ve arranged the theft of the plutonium! How should we contact the owners to arrange the ransom?!

HAGAN: Sky writing, leave name, address and telephone number.

MINION: Yes mistress!

Clip- cafe.

Hagan vo: because even though their a superpowerful secret satanic order that rules the world the baddies are fucking retards they send guys with obvious and visible pentagram tattoos after the hawt-dr. she spots them because…. she has fucking eyes and leaves the diner she was in and instead enters a dark alley.

Hagan: probly figured that if their dumb enough to advertise which secret organisation they work for one their arm their probly dumb enough to kill her in plain sight.

Clip- leaves.

Hagan vo: and of course there’s 2 cars full of baddies waiting for her.

Hagan: how they know she’d leave that way… the devil works in mysterious ways.

Clip- kidnapped.

Hagan vo: so their kidnapping her and…

Clip- faust jumps in.

hagan: apparently they had a trampoline just out of the shot.

Clip- kills.

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine is now techno-spawn-batman-verine. And he wants blood, death and vengeance.


Clip- kills. Saves her.

Hagan: that is possibly the worst looking superhero suit of the last 20 years.

Clip- mansion.

Hagan vo: at albino gangsters mansion the only survivor of the attack reports back and…

hagan: my. That’s a very useful height for him to be compared to her.

Hagan vo: because having a dwarf at the eye-level of her breasts is one of the many things that turns slutula princess of the night on She fucks him. Albino gangster watches because that turns him on, she then cuts the guys throat because that turns someone on. Unfortunately her killing men before they can give info on what happened does not turn anyone on so…

hagan: she gets turned into lola ferrari!

Hagan vo: and then slowly gets turned into something from eraserhead the porno. Should there ever be one.

Hagan: please make one.

Hagan vo: the saddest thing about this is that someone, somewhere has likely masturbated to this image. Think about that for a moment. You could be dating that person.

Hagan: oh in case you think I cant work out the obvious. (play ‘iv like big buts and I cannot lie’)

clip- hawt-drs place.

Hagan vo: hawt doctor has gone home, she’s being guarded by 2 oddly Spanish cops. Combs commits a slight faux pas.

Clip- is that your husband? My father.

Hagan: awkward. And y’know what makes it worse?

Clip- sexual assault.

Hgaan vo: he sexually assaulted her as a child. All soundtracked by this sexy sexy music from the movie ‘black cobra woman’

clip- her in place.

Hagan vo: so she hears the sound of a window smashing.

Hagan: the sort of thing that really would have guards running.

Hagan vo: and she finds techno-wolverine. Cunningly disguised as a mind-mannered sex offender.

Clip- what are you doing here? I just had to see you.

Hagan vo: he tries to warn her that albino gangster wants her for some reason, probly because there aren’t that many characters in the film. She thinks he’s insane, even though she was almost kidnapped by guys with pentagrams on their arms and saved by a guy with bloody metallic claws just like the type he’s wearing.

Hagan: there’s scepticism and there’s being a dumbass.

Clip- horns etc.

hagan vo: so techno-wolverine head goes a little red, spouts horns and the cops come rushing.

Hagan: because the sound of a window smashing is nothing, but the sound of skin reddening and horns spouting. That’s serious business!

Clip- so cops attack. Techno-wolverine hulks out and doesn’t quite understand that a dead person cant deliver a message.

Clip- for your master.

Hagan: he also doesnt understand that (rarrrrgh) isn’t really a message.

Hagan vo: so both cops are dead and hawt-doctor is concerned.

Clip- your murdering policemen.

Hagan: yes. She says nothing about him.. turning into.. whatever that is…

clip- why dont you admit, i’m the pornography that gets you hot.

Hagan: I bet you thought that line would make sense in context.

Clip- subway.

Hagan vo: so both drs, the police and combs are in the subway. The not-hawt dr tries to drug the hawt-dr and combs cant help because he’s on the other side of the tracks and there’s a train in the way, so he leaves to go around the long way. Hawt-dr runs off and gets onto the train, the cops follow and techno-wolverine jumps onto the train from the same side combs was on.

Hagan: and yup combs misses the train. his body was not made for running, it was made for raising the dead and sucking peoples brains out through their eye sockets.

Clip- on the subway.

Hgaan vo: so now theres your typical subway action scene.

Predator2. Subway scene.

Hagan vo: its like this. But shit.

Clip- cut together the pred2 faust stuff maybe? Pred kills their cops. Pred 2 symbolically kills this film.

Hagan vo: so hawt dr decides to throw in with techno-wolverine over the cops.

Clip- shit! I lost the girl!

Clip- orgasmo. CURSES!

Clip- subways separated.

Hagan: and then 90 seconds later the next subway train crashed into them, killing 50 innocent people. But that’s not important right now, there’s whatevers going on afoot!

Clip- flat.

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine brings hawt-dr back to her place to have sex with her. His choice in seductive lines are interesting to say the least

Clip- ‘you look at me like im less than human, what if I am more than human?’ ‘Your science blinds you, violence is our destiny!’ ‘Your afraid, look at me. I’m a beast but you want me’ ‘you cant cure evil, its not a sickness!’

clip- sex.

Hagan: yet Again I feel its time for me to find out how accurate this is.

Hagan behind someone. They notice hagan

SOMEON: Who the fuck are you?!

HAGAN: You look at me like i’m less than human. What if i’m more than human?

SOMEONE: Get the fuck away from me!

HAGAN: your science blinds you, violence is our destiny!

SOMEONE: Your fucking right it is if you don’t get the fuck out of my house!

HAGAN: You’re afraid, look at me. I’m a beast but you want me!

SOMEONE: yeah. I kinda do.

In bed. Sheets moving like there’s sex. Add porn music.

HAGAN AND SOMEONE in bed with cigarettes.

HAGAN: You cant cure evil! Its not a sickness!

Clip- mansion.

Hagan vo: so the police commissioner has gone to albino gangsters mansion and combs has followed him. He watches the commissioner yelling at the council of evil that albino gangster apparently kept in a closet because iv never seen them before. The council apparently features both verne troyer and another relative of triangle head from rats night of terror. albino gangster eventually has enough of the commissioner.

Clip- eats head.

Hagan: number 12,895 in the list of things you don’t see every day. An albino eating a Spaniards head. With his stomach.

clip- now get out. Kiss are the master

Clip- I am the master…. dr who. Terror autons.

clip- on phone.

Hagan vo: so combs phones hawt-dr at techno-wolverines house even though he had no idea where she was.

Hagan: I wonder how many numbers he tried before he got through to her.

Hagan vo: so she goes and because the script decided it should happen combs has now joined the baddies and is finally playing a character that is slightly jeffrey combs ish.

Hagan: next time you have a main character switch sides either do it on-screen or at least have them explain why they did it later on!

Hagan vo: but I suppose I cant complain. I now have jeffrey combs being camp and mental! And because they got jealous of combs ability to switch sides for no reason elizabeth slutory enlists the non-hawt dr to poison albino gangster. Of course Albino gangster kills the non-hawt dr by way of rubbing his face and then kissing him before finally succumbing to tumourfacedness and a shotgun blast to the head.

Clip- audio (wait I still function, wanna bet)

Hagan: with albinos there’s apparently very little that counts as overkill.

Hagan vo: id like to know what poison you can make in a few minutes notice that allows you to melt someone AND then turn their face into a mass of tumours.

Hagan: just for… research…

Clip- dominatrix.

Hagan vo: dominatrix macgraw decides to do some 15 rated SnM on the hawt-dr. The hawt dr claims she’s not interested but then she puts her own hand into the stocks and I’m convinced this isn’t her first go.

Hagan: don’t put me in the stocks! No! Dont whip me! Don’t use the spikey board! No! No! DONT cover my nipples in petroleum jelly and then electrocute me! And you fiend, definitely don’t use the 4th setting!

Clip- sex maniac.

Hagan vo: so after… minutes of SnM the Hawt-Dr has now become an insatiable sex maniac.

HAGAN (with whip) Lets try this out.

MINION: Lets not.

HAGAN: You’re right. Lets not. I’m on too many sex offender lists as it is.


Hagan vo: so albino gangster returns, looking more healthy than he did before the poisoning and shotgunning. I can only assume that I underestimated what constituted overkill when trying to murder albinos.

Aliens- take off and nuke the site from orbit.

Clip- red giving.

Hagan vo: and then its as though the film has missed another chunk of story because Albino gangsters suddenly in a robe, hawt-dr is on an altar, Domina of Gor has been stripped naked, covered in mud and tied to an X and Combs has had his head shaved, been stripped naked and also covered in mud.

Hagan: could be worse. They could all suddenly be outside a burning steakhouse.

Clip- red giving.

Hagan vo: their having an orgy-thing where their going to raise some sort of a demon who’s sure to be amusing looking and even the KKK have turned up.

Hagan: either that’s the kkk or pyramid head has wandered into the wrong film. Again.

HAGAN VO: oh. And they chant. And there are snakes.

Clip- chanting. VISION BLEAK- KTULU!

Clip- snake removed from woman. Fed to combs.

Hagan vo: how and why albino gangster pulls a fully grown snake from baroness orgasma and why it leaves a yellow wound are not explained. How and why albino gangster feeds this full size snake to jeffrey combs is also not explained and why this leads to slutulus maximus bursting into flames is also, you guessed it. Not explained.


hagan vo: fashionably late, Techno-Wolverine turns up and I think iv worked out what this reminds me of. jonestown if it was made up of of fashion victims and leo ryan got himself high and raided a costume shop before he arrived…

hagan: all in all this reminds me of a swingers night at a dr who convention I once went to.

HAGAN VO: so albino gangster shows techno-wolverine what’s become of hawt dr.

clip- just you and me and him and him. Scream in pain.

Clkip- room. Tommy wiseau.

Clip- sex.

Hgaan vo: so techno-wolverine is catatonic again and hawt-dr is getting fucked by albino gangster on the altar. Luckily she remembers being raped by her dad and so goes back to normal.

Hagan: Child rape. Bringing people back to sanity since….. whenever this was made.

Clip- demon raises.

Hagan vo: so a demon raises from what I assume is finsters workshop. To keep with the power rangers theme the beast speaks entirely in dragonzord screeches. The demon then burns people… because demons burn people.

Hagan: they look so surprised too!

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine takes on the demon.

Clip- flailing about. Add on power rangers fight music.

Hagan: this guy couldn’t defend angel grove from the Big Friendly Giant let alone one of Lord Zedds creatures.

Hagan vo: so hawt-dr stabs albino gangster in the heart which makes the demon headbutt techno-wolverines claws and die… and for an immortal demon that was going to destroy the world… its a bit of a pussy.

Clip- techno vs albino.

Haganvo: so techno wolverine stabs albino gangster in the chest and he gets set on fire for… some reason and dies.

Hagan: because a stabbing is much more dangerous than poisoning, tumours and a shotgun to the face.

Clip- dies.

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine dies leaving hawt-dr to explain all the blood, bodies, scorch marks and the great fucking hole to hell in the middle of the room….


Hagan: that was faust love of the damned. Rating is is hard because while its clearly not great there’s pieces of a good film here.

HAGAN VO: The problems come from attempting to do a superhero film on such a low budget and some of the casting. Its basically the low budget brother of spawn. Interestingly the comics and movies came out around the same time. I cant help but think that the budget of spawn and the creative team of faust shoulda teamed up to make either spawn or faust.

HAGAN: Faust love of the damned. Check it out to wonder about the thinking that went into the casting of jeffrey combs. Its like casting hulk hogan as Frederick nietze. But less awesome.


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