Scripts- Perils of Gwendoline

This is the sort of film that you’d think would make a great review but so little happens within its web of framework of madness that it was actually pretty hard. We decided to play with the running thing that Hagan kills minions by giving her an ep when she couldn’t kill them (it was a happy accident tat the film had enough bullshit to get her really worked up).

Gwendoline review.

HAGAN and TEDDY teleported in.

HAGAN: Well wasn’t it lucky that although I never mentioned it before, I picked up that personal teleportation device?

TEDDY: Yes mistress. Where are we?

HAGAN: Compound 2. Back up. Just like the other but no minions. Yet.

TEDY: what happened to compound 1?

HAGAN: Blew it up. Oh in about three seconds we should hear the explosion. 3-2-1.

DISTANT boom.

TEDDY: You blew it up? (very sad) Most of my friends will be dead.

HAGAN: Go and begin work on a new batch of minions teddy.

TEDDY: Most of my friends will be dead….

HAGAN: Grow a new batch, make new friends, they can be dead later. Now go, I have inquiries to make.

TEDDY leaves.

Hagan contacts cartoon hero.

Hagan: cartoon hero!

Cartoon hero: Hagan?! You’re alive?! Your compound was destroyed!

Hagan: yes. I teleported out before my compound was destroyed. Now, look to your side.

Cartoon hero looks to his side. Scared. Someone with a gun there.

Cartoon hero: how long have they been there?!

Hagan: you do not want to know.. now.. you… my 7,004th arch nemesis… How did you arrange for the pathetic and cowardly police to lay siege to my to and bomb my compound?!

Cartoon hero: I didnt!

Hagan: you didnt? (Hagan believes him) really?

Cartoon hero: no. why would I do that?

Hagan:….. evil?

Cartoon hero: no. that’s you, dear.

Hagan: ah. Yes. Well… sorry about…. bothering you….

cartoon hero: that’s okay then. But if you could… (motions to guy with gun)

hagan: ah yes. (into communicator) 721 code 303.

HAGAN LISTENS as sound of guy beside cartoon hero running and jumping through window to death.

Hagan: sorry about the draft.

End communication.

Hagan: who could it… oh course! THE SULTAN OF DARKNESS!

MOGWAICUB ONSCREEN.

Hagan: sultan of darkness, why did you destroy my compound?! How did you destroy my compound?!

MOGWAICUB: No. I’m mogwaicub. Don’t you remember, we spoke just a few hrs ago? You stopped me having sex with gomer…

HAGAN: Dammit Sultan of darkness, I do not have time for your mystical blatherings about the moon and rajput kings of death.

MOGWAICUB: Im mogwaicub. I’ve never even seen a rajput king of death.

HAGAN: So you deny sending the armies of man against me with your mystical powers?

Mogwaicub: If I say yes will you go away?

Hagan: yes! Deny it for all to see!

Mogwaicub: who are ‘all’?

HGAN; Deny it for me!

Mogwaicub: I deny sending the armies of man against you…

hagan: with your mystical powers.

Mogwaicub: with my mystical powers.

Hagan: ok. Fine. Im sorry.

Mogwaicub: you crazy bitch…

Communication ends.

Hagan: who… who could be so evil… so terrible… so uncaring as to have done that to my compound… someone has to be behind the attack. The police wouldnt have dared do it alone. If it wasnt them.. it would have to be someone uncaring, with a heart of ice. A man. Only a man could be so terrible. A cold… man… no. not a mere man. A guy….

coldguy on screen.

Hagan: why did you send the armies of man against…

coldguy looks unimpressed by hagan. points gun at the screen and waves byebye.

Communication ends.

Hagan screams.

Communicates with teddy in other room. High camera. Other location.

Hagan: teddy! How long until the first batch is ready to kill AND DIE?!

Teddy: 105 minutes mistress.

Hagan screams again.

Hagan: come up here and die!

Teddy: I dont think you should kill me mistress. If I’m dead you’ll have to bring the new batch to maturity yourself. Do you want to felate half grown protominions? I would happily die to avoid having to do that.

Hagan: your right.

HAGAN screams IN ANGER.

Teddy: might I suggest a film?

Hagan: what film?

Teddy: you could watch the perils of gwendoline in the land of the yik-yak, its by the man who directed emmanuell 1. Its perfect timing, as the film ends the new minions will be ready for you to kill.

Hagan: Greetings gentle viewers! This is the adventures of gwendoline in the land of the yik-yak. Whats a Yik-yak and why does it have its own land? And why is Gwendoline interested in it and who is Gwendoline? Lets find out.

Clip- butterfly.

Hagan: always a good start.

Clip- GWENDOLINE.

Hagan: I prefer the full title. Gwendoline sounds like its about an uptight english school teacher who loves butterflies. Carnally. The adventures of gwendoline in the land of the yik-yak automatically puts it right on the what-the-fuck scale.

Clip- butterflies and credits/ china.

Hagan vo: so after 2 solid minutes of butterflies and 80’s synth music we end up in…

hagan: a theme park built on a set that’s roughly trying to approximate china and failing to do so.

Clip- chinese guys.

Hagan vo: so these rather racist depictions of Chinese people break into boxes and manage to find a living, breathing woman in one. Of course they kidnap her.

Hagan: shes in a box from paris. This is set in the victorian era or thereabouts. All she had in the box with her was straw. Anyone seeing what’s wrong with this?

Hagan vo: even if she survived the trip she should at least be covered in enough shit that not even the racist depictions of chinese people would want to touch her.

Clip- her getting taken out of the box.

Hagan vo: and yes I realise this could just be a very clever prediction of budget airline travel in the future.

Clip- kidnapping.

Hagan vo: so racist-racist-racist. And a white woman stealing food from market. Racist-racist. And white woman finds out that box-woman has been kidnapped.

Hagan: ah so perhaps that woman hadnt been stuck in that box the last…. 6-8 weeks without food, water or bathroom facilities… but this doesn’t explain why the box was sealed and the chinese guys had to break into it.

Clip- Chinese casino.

Hagan vo: so we’re in a chinese casino which is like las vegas but crap. And stupid. And racist. And has less penn and teller. The box woman is being held in the office by a guy in a tuxedo, her kidnappers and a small guy who looks a bit like a puppet.

Hagan: and I’m getting slightly tired of the no subtitles.

Clip- talking. Yelling.

Hagn: I’m getting more tired of the no subtitles.

Clip- more talking.

Hagan: seriously movie. Subtitles. Their not hard! Their little words of the bottom of the screen!

Sub- LIKE THIS!

Clip- strips woman, hook, guy bursts in.

hagan vo: hello sex! …….Hello violence! …. hello… buck Rogers who’s been undercover with the village people… in 1871…

clip- buck rogers 1871. with village people music.

clip- fight. Midget on head.

Hagan: oh. He’s not a puppet. He’s a jocky.

Clip- left for dead2.

Clip- fight. Kill.

Hagan vo: so buck fights and kills everyone in the way that can only be done by a guy in a badly choreographed movie can.

(TEDDY beside, working)

Hagan: in their defence. I think the director knows their a hack and just doesnt care. Teddy, do the dance of hack.

TEDDY: What? Mistress I’m checking the…

HAGAN: Teddy do the dance of hack!

TEDDY sighs. DANCEs. APOLLO Z HACK THEME OVERLAID.

Clip- guy and dying guy.

Hgaan vo: so after beating everyone buck talks the chinese guy with a hook through his throat into giving him his money back. I assume he was swindled off screen. The Chinese guy then dies and buck acts surprised that the man who he stabbed through the throat has died.

Clip- oh shit…

hagan: I dont know why but I feel a strange kinship with that man.

Clip- my names gwendoline.

Hagan: oh thats gwendoline. And that was her perils. Now where are the yik-yak and the land named after them?

Clip- that guy owed me 800 dollars.

Hagan: and yet you took nowhere near that amount from him.

Clip- frees her.

Hagan vo:and your swiss-army hook didnt actually cut that rope.

replay cut: slowly. With arrows.

Clip-

hagan vo: so buck leaves, I wish I knew what THAT guy was doing, i’m wondering why the instruments being played dont match the music we’re hearing and oh yeah the fruit stealing white woman has been captured by the 3 idiots.

Clip time bandits- the 3 idiots! They swallow brushes!

Hagan: other idiots.

Clip- they go into office. See gwendoline. Run off. Women hug.

Hagans finger erects.

Clip- talk about the man.

Hagans finger retracts.

Clip- the women try to escape. Get help from buck.

Hagan vo: so the two women try to escape, fail. Try to get help from buck who….

clip- roulette.

Hagan: teaches us that roulette is actually a pretty dangerous game.

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: gwendoline and her indentured servant have travelled from paris to find gwens dad who went missing while collecting butterflies. They need bucks help to find him. Why buck? Because he’s the only man they’ve seen who can stab a dwarf from across a room.

They tell buck that if the roulette ball lands on black they’ll stop bothering him, if its red he’ll help them. He doesn’t actually agree to the deal but decides to help them anyway.

Hagan: roulette does strange things to a mans mind.

Clip- opium.

Hagan vo: so buck takes them to the last man who saw gwens father in town- allan quartermain from the first league of extraordinary gentlemen book.

Pic- allan quatermain.

Hagan vo: he tells them that her dad went to the land of the yik-yak. A terrible place that no one has ever returned from.. which makes you wonder how exactly he knows anything about it. He then goes onto use the naked body of the girl currently sucking him off as a map.

Clip- some map stuff.

Clip- breasts of sheba.

Clip- smell of reeves and mortimer. Slade on tour.

Clip- nobody goes there nobody comes back.

Hagan: again. How do you know anything about it?! Or is it just your thing to strip people naked when your asked for directions.

Clip- guy arrives.

Hagan vo: so in order to give the women and buck some bonding time the plot has them arrested and placed in a jail with livestock.

Hagan: what I would give to know what those pigs did to deserve jail…

clip- hey big blue eyes.

Hagan: oh and their other cellmate is a chicken. This jail is fucked up.

Clip- women at bars.

Hgaan vo: and you could step through those bars!

Hagan: now, a serious moment. Given that this prison is co-ed as well as… multi-species.. I hope for their sake that buck isnt a rapist.

Clip- sexual asault.

Hagan vo: ahhh whatya know!

Hagan: and this guys supposed to be the hero!

Clip- sexual assault.

Hagan vo: watch our hero valiantly sexually assault the leading lady, watch him without thought for his own safety force himself on an innocent woman!

Hagan: remember, kids that rape is okay if you resemble a gay buck Rogers! Oh and take a shot.

Clip- rest kiss etc.

hagan vo: turns out that its an escape attempt. He plans to make her cry for help so he can beat up the guard when he comes to save her from him.

Hagan: which is genius. Except it relies on the guard giving a shit and her not castrating him for attempting to rape her. Please castrate him. By cutting off his nuts.

Clip- afterwards.

Hagan vo: unfortunately she manages to fuck up the plan by being crazy and thinking that rape is sexy! But then the plan works anyway and the jailer loses his ears.

Hagan: (bored) friends. Romans. Countrymen. Lend me your ears.

Clip- men in tights. Lend me your ears. That is disgusting.

Clip- escaping.

Hagan vo: so they escape , taking the time to shhh a chicken as they go.

Next bits.

Hagan vo: so in a sequence thats full of racism, stupidity, the women blackmailing buck, crocodile slaying and buck seemingly meeting his older self. A sequence that’s much more boring than it sounds all three of them end up on a boat en route to the land of the yik-yak.

HAGAN: Cue the thrilling adventure music.

Clip- boat. Unthrilling music.

Hagan: this is just what you expect when you watch a porno ‘adventure’ film directed by the guy who did the ‘story of O’ isn’t it?!

Clip- talking by the river.

Hagan vo: they find out that gwendolins dad is dead but she decides to go on and find the butterfly in yik-yak territory and name it after her father. Since the other woman is her slave she goes voluntarily. Buck goes only when he gets paid $2,000.

hagan: truly a prince among men.

Clip- off boat.

Hagan vo: so they abandon the boat and go on foot. I have no idea where the explorer outfits came from. Gwendoline is of course shit when it comes to nature.

Clip- willard! Your going too fast! End of shot and onto the desert shot.

Hagan: wait a minute…

clip- again.

Hagan: when did they travel to tatooine?!

Clip-

hagan vo:I man, what the fuck?! As I understand it, their not even on the right continent for that sort of cactus!…

HAGAN: TEDDY!

TEDDY: yes mistress.

Hagan: When can I kill somehting?!

TEDDY: Another hour.

Hagan screams. Runs into a wall.

Caption- 10 minutes later. HAGANs lying on floor. Teddy, is looking after her.

HAGAN:how long was I out?

TEDDY: 10 minutes, mistress.

Hagan: so there’s only 50 minutes until I can kill again?

TEDDY: No mistress, I was looking after you and it will be an hour from when I start working again.

Hagan freaks out.

Hagan: did you at least forget to pause the film?!

Teddy: no, Mistress!

Hagan: fuck you and your.. efficiency!

Clip- desert.

Hagan vo: so their still in the desert and we get a scene like this.

Clip- rose of the desert.

Hgaan: isn’t that charming?

Clip- rainforest.

hagan vo: now their in the rainforest.

Hagan: china is truly a microcosm of the worlds entire ecosystem. I wonder if theres a rainy foot and a half squared that’s like Ireland?

Clip- raining.

Hagan vo; the director suddenly remembers that he’s a softcore porn director and has everyone strip off.

Hagan: no sex though.

Clip- capture.

Hagan vo: and eventually their captured by racist depictions of african tribesmen.

Hagan: why not?!

Clip- in prison.

Hagan vo: buck delights in telling the two women how exactly their all going to die and how its gwendolines fault for being obsessed with a butterfly.

Clip- gwendolines cries, music changes.

Hagan vo: but buck immediately changes tack when gwendoline starts to cry and music changes. Now he wants to fuck her.

Hagan: tears are apparently sexy. If this guy saw spiderman 3 he’d come on the screen.

Clip- getting together.

Hagan co: unlike the guys from raspberry Reich their not contortionists and so instead have phone sex. Without the phones. Or the sex. Or the masturbation. Or the privacy.

Hagan; yeah its basically talking dirty with crap synthesisers.

Clip- laughs.

Hagan vo: so the other woman laughs and that’s over.

Hagan: then they manage to escape… using the magical white person powers that all main characters in cinematic racist depictions of tribal africa seem to have….

clip- slapping chief.

Hagan: here manifesting as… yelling.

Clip- the chase. Benny hill.

Sub- I ONLY ADDED THE MUSIC.

Clip- desert.

Hagan vo: so they escape into ANOTHER desert and are attacked by mustard gas. Which somehow covers them in sand. They then run over a sand dune and end up in another jungle with a massive rockface. And you can hear water nearby.

Hagan: jungle-desert-jungle-desert-jungle-desert. JUST FUCKING PICK ONE!

Clip- woman goes down gets butterfly.

Hagan vo: the other woman climbs down and captures a butterfly. Unfortunately…. she gets grabbed and is seemingly eaten by a wall. Buck throws his grappling hook and impales the head of a woman in plastic armour.

Clip- it could happen to anybody.

Clip- with dead woman.

Hagan vo: so the woman says her dying words while sounding like a dalek with a busted ring modulator.

Cli- dead woman.

Hagan vo: And feeling that it could somehow be useful, buck runs off carrying her corpse.

Hagan: and suddenly we’re in a completely different film.

Clip- From dusk til dawn.

Hagan vo: dusk til dawns shift from semi-serious crime movie to vampire splatter comedy is nothing compared to the shift in gwendoline.

Hagan: Half the movie is a silly, crap french takeoff of indiana jones or romancing the stone and the other half is… well it includes this scene…

clip- the woman chariot race.

HAGAN WITH DIFFERENT MAKEUP WIG AND COSTUME): its as though they jammed two completely different films together and didn’t expect anyone to notice!

Clip- going under.

Hagan vo: and within seconds we see this.

Hagan: I love this. Its as though the director went insane trying to stop himself from doing porn for the first half of the movie and so demanded…

hagan vo: a load of extras in steel bikini bottoms, a massive steampunk machine, some of the extras be given helmets and swords, the others have to have their hair in a dumb top of the head ponytail and then he finally demanded that women stand inside the machine so they go up an down for no reason at all.

Hagan: this. Is a director having a nervous breakdown.

Clip- guy dressed up.

Hagan vo: so they work out a plan to rescue the other woman. The plan involves buck dressing in the steel bikini armour.

Hagan: to be fair he’s more feminine looking than some lesbians iv known.

Clip- making out.

Hagan vo: they begin making out.

Hagan: if you squint it almost looks like 2 girls. (squints) oh yeah….

Clip- more machinery.

Hagan vo: so there even more machinery that does…. nothing… the women with the top of the head ponytails operating it look a lot like schlitze the pinhead

clip- freaks. Schlitse. Freaks! Your all freaks! Shots of freaks replaced by the women.

Hagan vo: and buck gives himself away by yelling and running around

clip- their all. Oooh ahhh. Ohhh and come towards him.

Clip- futurama. SNOO SNOO!

Clip- separated. Jail. Fight.

Hagan vo: so they get separated and gwendoline ends up in the jail where a bunch of tribesmen are captured. Here she gets attacked by one of the guards. Her silvery pumps cry to the gods her desire to spill blood. Buck saves her and…

clip- the tribesmen eat her.

Hagan: not racist. At all….

clip- separated. Gwen by machines.

Hagan vo: they get separated again. And there’s yet more machines.

Clip- point at the womans head being dunked.

Hagan: ok. What the fuck is the point of that?!

Clip- machines. Metropolis.

Hgaan vo: its like metropolis.

Hgaan: but stupid.

Clip- machines.

Hagan vo: I have machines like that but their used for a rational, logical reason.

Hagan: to torture people! These people arent being tortured their too serene! Why isn’t someone being tortured!? TORTURE SOMEONE!

Clip- trap.

Hgaan vo; so gwendoline finds the other woman involved in a very stupid trap involving a plastic spear and the evil ruler of this underground… thing enters. You can tell the leader because she looks like an anime character. Shes with her elite guards- the grace jones clones.

Hagan: so just to recap.

Hagan vo : this film featured a loud and whiny woman and a brash adventurer in africa- just like allan qutermain and the lost city of gold. Casual and overt racism all the way through- just like allan quartermain and the lost city of gold. They eventually found a a lost tribe of advanced white people with a special silent servant class of black people- just like allan quarterman and the lost city of gold.

Hagan: what can I say?…. it might have been ripped directly from the far better king solomons mines but the theme music on allan quartermain and the lost city of gold was still much better than this films theme!

Hgaan dances as the theme music plays.

Clip- oldman.

Hagan vo: just like every weirdly advanced isolated population of women that are so man starved that they’d gang rape anything with a cock to death… the yik-yak have a random victorian scientist man living with them.

Confused hagan is confused.

Clip- queen come on to gwen. Wrestling throw.

Hagan vo: the queen comes onto gwendoline and…

hagan: im gonna rescue gwendoline, hoak hogan!… yeah… im never doing that again…

clip- captured.

Hagan vo: buck is captured and the evil queen decides that shes going to use him for breeding stock. Instead of having him fuck everyone there to get a few new members of the civilisation she decides to hve a contest where her best warriors will battle to the death and the survivor warrior will fuck him once and then he’ll die.

Hagan: because that makes sense.

Clip- women statue room.

Hagan vo: so gwendoline and the other women are kept in a… white room filled with living statues and a guard goes to tell them about how buck is going to die.

Clip.

Hagan: and possibly come onto gwendoline. Because there’s nothing sexier than being told the love of your life is going to die. I hope it works.

Clip- I dont want him to die. Extreme cut/.

Hagan: what the fuck was that?! Editing?! How the fuck did they do that!?

QUICK CUT OF A COUPLE FRAMES. TEDDY standing looking at the screen. Then back to hagan.

Clip- escape.

Hagan vo: the movie has much more important things to do than explain how they escaped… things like having gwendoline knock the other woman out and leave her on the floor for anyone to find. And kill. Bucks got his trousers back.. somehow and the queen has him lowered into a pit of women in order to choose who’ll fight for him.

Hagan: but anyway whats gwendoline up to.

Clip- steals chariot.

Hagan: stealing a chariot pulled by women in steel bikinis. I’m almost but not quite sorry I asked. At least they have breasts plates, if their gonna have to run around… bouncing tits can be sore.

Clip- buck jumps on the chariot.

Hagan vo: the scene is a bit like a softcore porn version of this.

Clip- return to oz. Wheelers.

Clip- chariot. Crash.

Hagan vo: they don’t the three pulling gwendoline just stop?! Their not horses, they know their being driven by someone the queen wants. Why not stop?! But no they keep going past the same pieces of set over and over again until. Then buck gets captured again and gwendoline takes a place in the contest to sleep with him.

Hagan: that whole section was pointless. But I suppose you’ve got to keep the pony girl fans happy. Heres to you, pony girl fans!

Pic- pony girl. Hallejulluah!

Hagan: ahhh those crazy pony girl fans.

Clip- fight.

Hagan: so the queen wears an even dumber costume than before and has the 4 women fight for buck.

Clip- fight- test your might.

Clip- gwendoline wins.

Hagan vo: so gwendoline wins even though shes against 3 warriors and has the combat experience of a scarecrow.

Clip- doctor who. Human nature.

Hagan: not that kind of scarecrow.

Clip- gwendoline fucks buck.

Hagan vo: so gwendoline dresses like prince and fucks buck while the queen wears the contents of an entire curtain showroom. Then she reveals who she is and the entire base begins to collapse.

Hagan: the queen takes it well.

Clip- queen ranting. Asshole!

Hagan: and she wasnt even drunk. Unlike the director. I hope.

Clip- escape.

Hagan vo: they get separated from buck, the tardis room is destroyed and gwendoline and the other woman escape but two minutes later they find buck and the films over.

Hagan: wow. Just wow. Wow. I cant do this…. experience justice…. actually maybe I can.

Clip- from film.

hagan vo: crap and boing! Crap and boring! Crap and boring! Crap and boring! Crap and boring! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! PONY GIRLS!The end.

Hagan: so yeah. For a softcore porno thats quite high up on the what the fuck-o-meter the perils of gwendoline is actually pretty boring for most of it.

Hagan vo: The soundtrack that sounded like philip glass on a bad day couldnt save it… And the whole cast was insane because the other woman was much hotter than gwendoline.

HAGAN: I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day

a beat.

HAGAN (into camera)… teddy! Are they ready?

Teddy: almost.

Microwave ping.

Teddy: ready now mistress.

Begin a slow fade out. Make it a side shot.

Enter minion.

Minion: my names juniper!

Hagan kills him.

Enter other minion.

Minion: my names bammin!

Hagan kills him.

Enter other minion.

Minion: my names turgasso!

Hagan kills him.

Enter minion.

Minion: my names jurnus!

Hagan kills him.

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