Scripts- The Raspberry Reich

I’m gonna post these scripts every so often again as a lovely fan has requested copies for translations on Youtube. So here we go, RASPBERRY REICH!As per usual some stuff isn’t exactly the same as the finished ep and my grammar is terrible!

Raspberry reich

HNN graphic. We love both sides! Honest!
ST JOCK- THIS IS HNN

MINION NEWSREADER: Greetings, I’m Number 7,004 and we are now entering day 7 of the evil government invasion of the home of noted humanitarian and religious leader Diamanda Hagan. For information on this subject- minion anne colouter.

MINION ANNE COULTER: Robert.

MINION NEWSREADER: It would seem to me that some people, especially the government just don’t like religion or humanitarians like Mistress Hagan.

MINION ANNE COULTER: I talk about this at length in my latest book ‘why liberal fuckheads hate decent, kittenish people like hagan’

MINION NEWSREADER: What have you been seeing at the site?

MINION ANNE COULTER: Well the fascist, atheistic, socialist anti-haganist forces have been showing off the dead bodies of minions with targets stapled to their chests. Obviously they have created this ‘evidence’; and are trying to frame hagan for some sort of crime.

MINION NEWSREADER: What about footage of hagan killing minions that has surfaced on youtube and blip?

MINION ANNE COULTER: Obvious fakes. The gun blasts dont even look real.

MINION NEWSREADER: Thanks miss coulter.

MINION ANNE COULTER: Before I go Id like to announce my new book ‘I’m way too old for it but I still wear miniskirts and if you dont love hagan your a dumb liberal and you smell’

MINION NEWSREADER: Sounds like a powerful piece of work, Coulter. (hears something) Just heard that… yes… the divine hagan herslf is phoning in from the compound, her phone signal bravely facing off against the police surrounding them. Do we have her?

HAGAN: Yes!

MINION NEWSREADER: Once again its an honour mistress.

HAGAN: Yes. It is.

MINION NEWSREADER: What’s it looking like in there?

HAGAN: Well we’re running out of basic supplies and We’re being forced to milk and sacrifice the minions.

MINION NEWSREADER: How terrible that it should come to eating the minions.

HAGAN: What? oh no! Its not for food. We wont run out of supplies for a few more days.

MINION NEWSREADER: Then why are you milking and sacrificing the minions?

HAGAN: Iv been locked in a building with them for 3 weeks. What else can I do to keep myself sane?

MINION NEWSREADER: Your strength and sacrifice will go down in history, mistress.

HAGAN: I know.

MINION NEWSREADER: Any chance of a surrender on the horizon?

HAGAN: From them? Probably.

MINION NEWSREADER: Its been an honour. Hail Hagan.

HGAAN: Hail me.

MINION NEWSREADER Next up, what if Belgium and Bolivia… swapped places? Because they have!

HNN- MISTRESS SAYS IT. WE REPORT IT. YOU BELIEVE IT.

Hagan is on the phone. Finishes and turns to the camera

HAGAN: greeting gentle viewers! Welcome to day 21 of the siege of my compound. And as we do every day we have to make sure the police are still out there.

MINION comes out. HAGAN staples a target to his chest. Pushes him out the door. Gunfire. Then more. Then more. Then more. Then a beat.

HAGAN: Now..

GUNFIRE. THEN MORE. HAGAN SIGHS.

Hagan: nOW…

MORE GUNFIRE. HAGAN GETS ANGRY.

HAGAN: FOR FUCKS SAKE! THIS IS THE RASPBERRY REICH! ITS PORN! DEAL WITH IT!

Clip- raspberry reich.

Clip- opening.

Hagan vo: and yes. I mean porn. Cum shots and all. Not emmanuelle and its soft focus and softcore. This is hardcore porn.

HAGAN:Minion, prepare the black censorship boxes!!

MINION enters holding black censorship box over head. Editted in in post.

Clip- black and white guy chanting.

HAGAN: Its also fucking weird! Surprised?!

Clip- more guy.

Hagan: I promise there’s porn here. Somewhere.

Clip- more guy.

HAGAn vo: its hard to believe at the moment but it took me a long time to find the uncut version of this. Most countries only have a horribly censored version where they kaleidoscope the sex scenes.

clip- better than chocolate.

Clip- more guy.

Hagan vo: so after almost 2 minutes of gibberish we get to rewarded with the sight of a man sucking off a gun.

Clip- sucking gun.

Hagan: sexier when I did it.

Clip- turkey shoot review.

Clip- sucking.

Hagan vo: did I miss anything? Oh, yeah he’s doing it in his underwear in-front of a massive picture of che guevara.

Clip- gets shotgun.

Hagan vo: proving that handguns are a gateway guns to bigger and better guns the guy then starts masturbating a shotgun.

Clip- mallrats on shotgun, superman cumming

hagan vo: before he can begin on an m-16 we cut to a woman being fucked.

Hagan: Straight men and gay women might want to hold onto this image because this doesn’t happen very much. For this is mainly a gay guy porno.

Clip- gudrun.

Hagan vo: we then see the woman doing… woman things.. like walking, wearing sunglasses and a headscarf, eating raspberrys, hating capitalism and buying guns.

Cut to hagan wearing sunglasses and a headscarf, eating raspberrys and holding a gun.

HGAAN: What?

A Beat.

HAGAN: Oh.. yeah… fuck the free market!

Clip- the next bits.

Hagan vo: the next bits of the film are the woman- gudrun doing her stuff, the guy wanking the gun, some guy on a skateboard and then gudrun getting fucked.

Hagan: and then 7 minutes in the film begins proper and the sex scene is suddenly much less explicit.

Clip- fuck me for revolution. Fuck me for revolution.

Hagan: admit it. Who doesn’t want to see a porno where john adams says that to benjamin franklin?

Clip- john adams bit with dubbing? Ep2 1h 7 mins.

Clip- gudrun and boyfriend.

HAGAN VO: So gudrun gets her boyfriend to fuck her against the wall.

Hagan: for the revolution of course!

Clip- guy next door.

Hagan vo: and the guy who was sucking off the guns listens in and wanks.

HAGAN: this scene was better when it was in the wicker man.

Clip- wicker man.

Hagan: oh and in case you’re wondering. Yes the guy does masturbate with a gun. And NO I cant show you it!

Clip- sex.

Hagan vo: then theres a bunch of shots of people fucking, wanking and whatnot with the sound of gunfire going off!

Hagan: are you regretting loading this video yet?

Clip- black and white stuff.

Hagan vo: next up there’s a short black and white sequence with bad acting and no sex!

Clip- dialogue from the scene.

Hgaan vo: the guys in the car are planning on kidnapping the skateboard guy.
Clip- dialogue from the scene.

Hagan vo: luckily we’re saved from their bad acting and we cut to gudrun and her boyfriend fucking in a lift.

Hgaan: for the revolution!

Hagan vo: and the lift doors open in front of a middle aged couple.

HAGAN: for the revolution!

Hagan vo: and the middle aged couple get into the lift anyway.

HGAAN: For the revolution?

Hagan vo: ok. This is what I THINK is going on. Gudrun is trying to start a revolution of some sort,. somehow sex in public+ kidnapping skateboarders + unknown = REVOLUTION!

Clip- sex in public+kidnapping skateboarder+ unknown= REVOLUTION!

Clip- tyoung ones

HAGAN: Oh and in case you thought I wouldnt refrence this

HAGAN sways, moves finger in time to music. Underpants gnomes song.

Hagan: there. Happy?

MINION: Im not.

Clip- gudrun ranting while being fucked.

Hagan: ah. Yes. Everything is so much clearer now. Hey, middle aged couple why did you even get into the lift if the sight of young people fucking offended you so much?

A beat.

Minion: mistress… its just a camera.

HAGAN: What?

Minion: The people in the film cant hear you.

HGAAN: I know that!

HAGAN pulls pin from grenade an hands it to minion.

HAGAN: Swallow this and wait in the house of pain.

MINION wlaks off while putting grenade in mouth. Off-screen boom.

Clip- people masturbate while the words raspberry reich go by.

HAGAN VO: Now, you cant see this but the next thing to happen is the words ‘Raspberry reich’ very slowly float by, overlaying shots of men masturbating.

Hagan: just in that bit, I think I tripled the amount of cocks iv ever seen.

Clip- the older couple.

Hagan vo: the older couple return home and within seconds begin to fuck.

Hagan: ah I think I’ve worked out how this revolution works. Its like pay it forward but with sex and when everyone in the worlds fucking… gudrun declares victory and joins in the orgy?

Clips as per description.

Hagan vo: just so you all know. We’re about 17 minutes into the film and we’ve had the following. Straight sex, gun fellatio, masturbation, bad acting, monochrome and revolutionary slogans placed over the sex so I cant show them.

HAGAN: I miss anything?

Clip- cum shot, obscured by black box.

Hagan vo: ah yes. A cum shot. Which none of you can see.

HAGAN: Making this little part of the review completely pointless.

HAGAN is suddenly in a box in the corner of the screen. Image frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is revieweing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Making this part of Hagans review- completely pointless. Fucking typical of her. Cant act, cant write and cant light the shot. Be smart and avoid the joke of a reviewer in future. I’m the reviewer reviewer and I watch it because…. I feel like it….

REVIEWER REVIEWER is suddenly in a frozen box in the corner of the screen. OBSCURUS LUPA is reviewing.

LUPA: And of course another pathetic sign off from the reviewer reviewer. His schtik got old last year. You seriously call that a sign off?

LUPAs image is frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER RVIEWER: Yes I do.

REVIEWER REVIEWER IS FROZEN.

LUPA: Well that;ll be the amazing standards that got you married to that beached whale then.

LUPA is frozen. Image goes to corner of screen.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: You bring my wife into this? You want to start something?

REVIEWER REVIEWER IS FROZEN.

LUPA: I want to start it, do it and finish it!

LUPA is frozen. HAGAN is reviewing.

HAGAN: What the fuck is going on?!

HAGAN IS FROZEN. REVIEWER REVIWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Fuck off, you loony dyke. You want me? I ‘m right here!

REVIEWER REVIEWER IS FROZEN. LUPA is reviewing.

LUPA: Yeah? Well if you had any stones you’d be right here, you fucking coward!

LUPA IS FROZEN. HAGAN is reviewing.

HAGAN: Excuse me, this is my review…

HAGAN is frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Piss off, Hagan!

REVIEWER REVIEWER is frozen. LUPA is reviewing.

LUPA: Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion!

LUPA is frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Its really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Thereaputically theres no danger involved.
REVIEWER REVIEWER is frozen. HAGAN is reviewing.

HAGAN points gun at camera. Fires. REVIEWER REVIEWER falls dead. HAGAN looks up at the camera.

HAGAN: Now. Are we going to keep doing this?

HAGAN is frozen. LUPA is is reviewing.

LUPAs review room is empty. Sound of crickets.

HAGAN: Good. Now, where were we?

Clip- cum shot.

Hagan: ah yes. The cum shot.

Hagan vo: is it just me or does che very unimpressed?

Clip- kidnapping.

Hagan vo: well he;s got reason to be unimpressed. He’s on the wall of some pretty damn inefficient revolutionary kidnappers.

Clip- trunk.

Hagan vo: turns out that the kidnapper who handcuffed himself to the victim is secretly his boyfriend and they have…

HAGAN: KIDNAPPER-KIDNAPPEE-GET-AWAY-CAR-TRUNK-SEX!

Clip- flashback.

Hgan vo: so then there’s a flashback to 2 weeks before when the kidnapper follows the kidnappee around pretty damn incompetently.

Hagan: naturally this leads to…

clip- kissing. Sex.

Hagan: looks like its time for another hagan field test.

Skit- hagan follows someone around house.

SOMEONE: Are you following me?

HAGAN: Yes I am. Do you wanna fuck?

SOMEONE punches hagan.

HAGAN (Hurt jaw): Stupid movie…

CLIP- sex in trunk.

HAGAN vo: and now their naked… and having sex in the trunk. Get that round your mind. 2 men, in the trunk of a BMW, handcuffed together have managed to get undressed and are having sex.

HAGAN:…. fucking Contortionists!… literally…

CLIP- gudrun talking to guy.

HAGAN VO: So back at the base gudrun imparts some vital information.

CLIP- Masturbation is counter revolutionary.

HAGAN: a porno is telling us wanking is bad. Next up we have me telling us all about the dangers of shooting people and a uwe boll movie will tell us shit filmmaking is bad. Actually that sounds like something he’d do.

Clip- gudrun nd all.

Hagan vo: gudrun begins into a long rant about the famous german communist terrorist baider-meinhoff gang and how they were all murdered in prisons. She then gets her men to go ‘liberate’ some groceries.

Clip- shoplifting! Shoplifting!’

hagan: and then we have a… I hate to use this term… big lipped aligator moment.

COLIN OR SOMEONE IN GREENMAKEUP

MKEUP: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

HAGAN: What the fuck…

MINION: Sorry, mistress. The police bombed the real alligator.

MAKEUP: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR-BIG LIPPED ALIGATOR MOMENT!

Clip- on vegtables and animals.

Hagan: you know, you put on a porno by the guy who made ‘no skin off my ass’ and do you expect to have a mini lecture on vegetables and animals and capitalism? No? Then you’ve obviously never seen ‘no skin off my ass’

Clip- gudrun upset.

Hagan vo: gudrun is upset that the kidnappers haven’t arrived home yet.

Clip- where could they possibly be?

Hagan: where could they possibly be?

Clip- burger king.

Hagan: those crazy communists!

Clip- gudrun and the guys.

Hagan vo: gudrun uses the revolution to try and convince her boyfriend to fuck the guy who was wanking with guns while she watches.

Hagan: for the revolution of course.

Cllip- refusal.

Hagan: Quite posibly.

Hagan vo: the boy friends not interested, she changes tack.

Clip- free yourself from your heterosexual repression…. kissing

hagan: that womans a genius. Fucking lunatic but… a genius… so this happens.

Clip- Pulls down underwear. Blacked out

clip- dr who. Look at the size of that thing doctor!

Clip- lots of blacked out images.

Hagan vo: so 100% hetrosexual boyfriend immediately begins sucking the others guys dick and because you can apparently never see enough cock we see it in a 3-way split screen shot. gudrun talks about revolutionary stuff and the guys in the car arrive and those 2 contortionists who were handcuffed together are dressed. Again

CONFUSED HAGAN IS CONFUSED.

shooting range.

hagan vo: gudrun then shoots and yells catchphrases.

Clip- revolution is my boyfriend, hetrosexuality is the opiate of the masses etc

hagan: I like ‘hetrosexuality is the opiate of the masses’

clip- kissing in street.

Hagan vo: the boyfriend and the other guy makeout in public and get glared at by old people and other people do a monologue about the evil of cornflakes while we see footage of women sucking cocks.

Hagan: and then we get this exchange.

CLIP- Talking about bisexuality. Lay back and watch your porno.

Hagan: and it works again! What the fuck!?… I need… to see for myself if this works…. but iv been beaten up once for trying to recreate this film… I need a queer… a big queer. Someone who wouldnt cry with terror with faced with footage of twinks blowing each other…. MR CUB! Mr cub!

MOGAWI: Yes.

HAGAN: Are you gay?

MOGWAI: You need to ask?

A beat. Hagan is thinking.

Magwai: you need to ask?

Hagan: ye……nooo………????

MOGWAY: Of course I’m gay. What do you want?

HAGAN: Ever got a straight man to have sex with you by putting on a straight porno and making him watch it while you fucked?

MOGWAI: Of course not! Thats terrible! Thats sick! Thats horrible!

GOMERX appears.

gomerx: hey mogwai I was wondering if you could suck me off while I watched porno… hey! Whats hagan doing here!? Whats that camera doing there?! I TOLD YOU YOU COULDNT FILM THIS! WE ARE OVER!

GOMERX. Hagan and mogwai stare at each other.

Hagan: I probly shouldnt have seen that.

Mogwai: cocblocked

Hagan: how do you even do that if your in canada and he’s in the states?

MOGAWI (upset): HE HAS A MASSIVE COCK! AND I’LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN!

Mogwai breaks down.

HAGAN looks sheepish.

Hagan: I’ll go finish my review…

MOGWAI: EVEN FLACID I CAN SEE HIS COCK FROM MY HOUSE!

Hagan: i’ll leave you alone…

MOGWAI: GOMERX! I miss you!

HAGAN: Welllllll that was awkward. (communicator) minions. Send them both fruit baskets. (communicator away) continue the film.

Clip- there will be no sexual revolution without homosexual revolution!

Hagan: very true gudrun but please tell me. If this is about revolution and smashing the state then why have you surrounded yourself with only men? Lesbians stereotypically make much better fighters than most men…i mean, its almost as though this whole revolution thing is just so you can twist weak willed men into your sexual playthings…

clip- gudrun snogging man.

Hagan: you genius fucking cunt.

Clip-s censored.

Hagan vo: so everyones having sex and the music is…………………. well…… not very subtle.

Clip- prisoner and guard.

Hagan vo: so the hostage and his boyfriend talk about how the hostages dad disinherited him for being gay and so wont pay for his release and how his boyfriends a little bitch for not telling the rest of the gang that their dating.

Hagan: patti hurst wasnt this much trouble.

Clip- i’ll do it tonight. Good come here or ill report you to amnesty international.

Hagan: you see I actually like this. Unlike emmanuelle where they need to come up with mental excuses to fuck-these characters embrace the fact their in a porno and just fuck. Its refreshing.

Hagan vo: watching them fuck is even less attractive than watching walls fuck. Im not into guys so I dont find it sexy but I dont find it disgusting either. Its sexually neutral. Its non sexual to me. Its about as sexual as watching a review by Linkara.

Linkara appears.

Linkara: hey! I’ll have you know i’m sexy! I’m extremly sexy! I just make you think while I turn you on! The brain is the biggest erogenous zone of them all!

Hagan: you’re no marzgurl

linkara: neither are you! In fact, neither of us are marzgurl! Only marzgurl is marzgurl.

Hagan: so what?

Linkara: im not sure…

Linkara goes.

Hagan: so the they strap the hostage to a… wait a sec?! Was that linkara?!…

clip- stuff.

Hagan vo: ok. Cock is officially boring.

Hgaan: well. More boring.

Clip- ‘I dont care about tibet… I care about my orgasm!’

hagan: wow. Honesty.

Clip- gudrun speeching.

Hagan vo: so gudrun talks about the cia and how they orchestrate coups against socialist countries and then manipulates her last hetrosexual man into having sex with the hostage. Gudrun reveals she knows about the relationship between the hostage and one of her men and forces him to watch as the straight guy and the hostage have sex.

Hagan: I think this means she’s both sadistic AND psychic. Which is still better than the films stated reason. Which is this

hagan shrugs.

Clip- black out shots.

CLIP- SODOMY SONG. Sex scenes.

Hagan vo: then we have sex. Sex-sex-sex. Sex. REVOLUTION. Sex-sex-sexsex. Epileptic fit. Sexsexsex.

Clip- join the homosexual intefada.

Hagan: and now gudrun has no more straight men in her gang. I had no idea it was so easy to turn straight people gay, perhaps ted haggard was right…. those are 4 words I hope never to say in any order ever again.

Clip- escape.

Hagan vo: the boyfriend and the hostage decide to run off. Gudrun reacts by being mostly naked. And industrial music pioneer and professional insane person genesis porridge narrates… insanely….

clip- being insane.

hagan: shocking.

Clip- stuff.

Hagan vo: so with that gudrun decides the revolution has failed and ends the whole thing. And fish suffocate.

Hagan: and then we cut to 2 years later.

Clip- gay bar.

Hagan vo: terrorist chic has taken over the gay community.

Hagan: as it does.

Clip- drag queen talk.

Hagan vo: 3 of the gang meet up in the gay bar, talk about how their not gay and start looking for men to screw. We also learn that one of them cant speak german.

Hagan: even though the films set in germany, he’s played by a german and… he’s german.

Clip- hostage and boyfiend.

Hagan vo: the hostage and the boyfriend have spent the last two years robbing banks owned by the hostages dad.

Clip- kissing outside. Long time.

Hagan: and its a miracle that no ones caught them yet….

clip- middle east.

Hagan vo: the guy who sucked off the guns has become the camera operator for an islamic terrorist organisation.

Hagan: because we all know that one group who love sexually interesting people is muslim terrorists.

Clip- middle east.

Hagan vo: and take note of how the middle east was most definitely NOT filmed in a damp sandpit in germany.

Clip- point out trees behind him very not german trees.

Clip- gudrun.

Hgaan vo: gudrun and her husbnd had a baby and is raising them to be the leader of the next generation of insane, sexually manipulative crazypeople. The baby does not look impressed.

Hagan: and thats that.

Hagan vo: so whats my thoughts? I love this film. Its insane, its funny

hagan: possibly by accident.

Hagan vo: and bruce labruce is one of my favourite film makers. This is true punk film making. But it doesn’t mean that its good. The performances are terrible and the story makes no sense. But at the same time its extremely entertaining.

Hagan:I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day… join me next time when I review

BOOM! Camera shakes, hagan thrown to the side. Alarms.

HAGAN: What the hell?!

MINION: Mistress! Its the Police! Their bombing us!

HAGAN: What?! Why didnt you warn me when the sensors picked them up?!

MINION: You kill everyone who interrupts your reviews!

A Beat.

HAGAN: you’ve got a point.

HAGAN shoots minion.

HAGAN: Now don’t do it again!

Hagan pulls out microphone.

Hagan: teddy! Come here and bring the self destruct device!

TEDDY appear with device. Hands it to hagan.

TEDDY: what are you doing mistress?

HAGAN: I’ve had it with the star trek acting. I’m going to destroy the compound and with it.. everything in a 50 mile radius!

Hagan presses buttons.

HAGAN: That’ll fucking teach the police to try and kill me. Lets see them explain THIS to the public.

countdown begins.

Countdown: 5, 4

HAGAN grabs teddy.

Countdown: 3,2

hagan and teddy vanish.

Outside. BOOM.

POST CREDIT AUDIO.

Footsteps.

ALEISTER: miseryness, Im hooome. Basil sends his… WHAT THE BALLY HELL HAPPENED THE FUCKING HOUSE!?

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