Hellbinders review

Hagan Reviews Episode 138.

Mercenary Ray Park, Ninja Johnny Yong Bosch and some guy called Cain attack the plot of John Carpenters Ghosts of Mars.

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Colonel Kill Motherfuckers Review

Some RPG nerds face an undead serial killer driven by Voodoo!

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Six-String Samurai review

In an alternate reality Buddy Holly faces down death to become the king of Rock n Roll.

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This was almost the last episode of the show, basically I decided to kill Hagan at the end of season 2 and not bring her back if I wasn’t signed up by Channel Awesome (TGWTG at the time), Id worked hard on the show but wasn’t getting the numbers that’d make it worth continuing. Luckily for the 6 people who like the show they signed me up not long after I finished the script, so Hagan went on her Quantum Leap adventures before returning for season 3.

HAGAN ON THE PHONE (Looks to the audience as if to say gimme a sec)

HAGAN: I want their cocks cut in two and then felated. In that order. Okay, mum. Bye and give my loathing to the sultan.

Turns to camera.

Hagan: greetings gentle viewers! As is traditional.. even though it usually needs to happen more than twice for it to be a tradition.. as this is the last slot of the series I’m reviewing a kids movie. Biggle adventures in time.

Clip- over biggles stuff.

Hagan vo: brief history lesson. Biggles is a classic British literary adventure character. The closest thing to american equivalent would be flash Gordon. Here he has the ‘honour’ of playing second fiddle in his own movie. He’s a mix of classic British ‘whatwhat’ upper class toff and complete badass in the sort of way that was fairly common in fiction until about 50 years ago.

HAGAN: Biggles is a classic character even though he is a lot less popular than he once was.

Hagan vo: Over about 150 books he fought in pretty much every British war or engagement between world war 1 and the late 60’s and like all good british characters he managed to kill several thousand foreigners along the way. If your familiar with the name the chances are its not because of the books but because you’ve seen monty python sketches like this.

Clip- python.

Hagan: the pythons loved them some biggles. So with that out of the way, prepare yourself for Biggles: adventures in time!

Clip- into

HAGAN VO: Like all films set in modern London and France in 1917 we open on the skyline of New York.

Hagan: at least the theme music is awesome.

Clip- theme. Hero.

Hagan dances.

Clip- theme. Hero.

Cartoon hero hears something very far away.

Cartoon hero (listens): …. nah….

Hagan vo: so in new York we see a guy in a red jacket being stalked in a dark alley by peter cushing.

Clip- star wars.

Hagan vo: yes that peter cushing.

Hagan: yes. that peter cushing.

Hagan vo: its not enough that its dark, the guys alone, being followed by a horror icon and there’s a fucking black cat there! they also felt the need to add OMINOUS MUSIC!

Clip- suspense music.

Hagan: that’s the sort of thing you hear in a poorly made friday the 13th sequel…

clip- knock know.

Hagan vo: ok with this build up. This better be good.

Clip- are you alright?

Hagan: they hire an iconic horror actor, give him a scary theme, have him follow a man home at night past a black cat and then they have him ask if the guys alright…. CMON! THIS GUY BLEW UP ALDERAAN!

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: but he’s not finished there. Oh no.

clip- have you got the correct time?

Hagan: apart from bonekickers that was the worst build up to payoff ratio ever. At least the build up was short this time.

Clip- in room.

Hagan vo: so the guy, Jim Ferguson played by Alex Hyde white who you might not remember from this.

clip- fantastic four. Roger corman.

Hagan: heh. That was funny because he thought it was a real movie.

Clip- speech.

Hagan vo: because its the 80’s Ferguson works for a TV dinners company or something and he’s writing a speech.

Clip- speech. LIGHTNING.

HAGAN: God no like your writing, Ferguson.

Clip- sent back in time.

Hagan vo: so Ferguson is struck by lightning and finds himself standing in a muddy field.

Hagan: I must remember this next time I climb a lightning rod during a storm.

Hagan vo: and he sort of stands there until a plane almost crashes on him.

Clip- hello, lend a hand.

Hagan: oh hello British understatement!

Hagan vo: this is neil dickson star of a certain series about a she-wolf in london loved by a she-wolf in arizona. And he’s playing the titular biggles.

Hagan: this might be a mind bending experience, in most films the upper class, British guy is the wussy baddy. In this he’s the badass who could probably take down an entire army by himself.

Clip-

hagan vo: anyway Ferguson helps biggles free from his plane and they run while the plane is blown up.

Hagan: I should probably mention that we’re In 1917 now. Because lightning does that. Watch.

SKIT. MINION1 stands alone. lighting. Minion vanishes. MINION2 enters with letter.

MINION2: Mistress, one of our agents found this letter in the archives of a museum. Its from 1917.

HAGAN takes letter. Reads.

HAGAN: (Reading) ‘Its cold in the past and I want to go home- love, minion bob’

Hagan hands MINION2 a weapon.

HAGAN: Take this and kill him.

MINION2 is struck by lightning. Vanishes.

Hagan goes back to review

HAGAN: Now that he’s in the past…

MINION 3 enters.

MINION3: Mistress, we have uncovered another letter in the museum. Its says that ‘Minion Bob and I have decided to get married and live in guam.’

HAGAN: 1917. well their probably dead by now. Nuke Guam anyway. Now! How did I have a time travel lighting strike indoors? Aleister will explain.

ALEISTER: Hello ladies.
Look at your boyfriend.
Now back to me.
Now back to your boyfriend.
Now back to me.
He’s not me.
But wearing a hat like this he could look like me.
Look at your boyfriend who doesn’t look like me.
Now back to me.
(BEARD) Iv grown a beard.
Look at your boyfriend.
Has he grown a beard?
no. but if he had grown a beard he could look like me.
Look at my hand
(DOES FINGER) i has fingers.
Does your boyfriend have fingers?
Look at your boyfriend.
Now back to me.
I’m fucking basil.
He’s in America and I’m not
how am I doing that?
Because I’m me.

HAGAN: Hope that clears everything up.

Clip- run off boom.

Hagan vo: so the Germans who are miles away blow up the plane in one shot… somehow… and Ferguson hands biggles his company card and biggles assumes he’s an American soldier.

Hagan: 34th pizza making airborne.

Clip

Hagan vo: so the Germans bomb Ferguson and this sends him

clip- BACK. TO THE FUTURE!

HAGAN: Note to self. Bombing people sends them into the future. And based on how many people iv bombed I should be scared.

Clip- next day

hagan vo: so the next morning Ferguson goes into work and discovers that a fat guy working for him is trying to add the softest of soft-core 80’s pg rated porn to the cover of a new line of TV dinners that their doing. Because when people want crappy, easy to cook food they also want PORN!

Hagan: and I love the distracting random arnie cut-out in the background.

Cliop- looks almost good enough to eat. Looks fantastic. Takes a bite.

Hagan: oh hey, fat guy who cant stop himself eating a TV dinners display.

ROBOT CHICKEN- Thats not funny!

Clip- peter cushing.

Hagan vo; and peter cushing is back, having got past security and standing around in his black hat with his ominous soundtrack. He begins questioning Ferguson about what happened, he knows that he went back in time but doesn’t know if he saved biggles.

Hagan: which is dumb because if Ferguson didn’t save biggles and changed the time-line then peter cushings memories would have been changed too and he’d know already that biggles died. But if biggles died then peter cushing wouldn’t have met Ferguson to help him go back in time to help biggle but if peter cushing hadn’t met Ferguson them history would have been…

clip- austin powers. Oh look iv gone cross eyed.

Clip- talking.

Hgan vo: so peter cushing asks about the camera on biggles plane. It was destroyed in the explosion. So cushing tells him that he’s going to be sent back in time again because he knows that his mission in the past includes making sure biggles gathers reconnaissance on a new German super-weapon.

QUANTUM LEAP PARODY

DUB (lupa?)- trying to write a speech alone in his apartment one night, Jim ferguson was struck by lightening… and vanished.

He found himself in the past, facing a british man with a face that was not his own and driven by a unknown force to keep history the way it always was by way of a pre-destination paradox. His only guide on his journey is peter cushing, an iconic horror actor from his own time that everyone can see and hear. And so Ferguson finds himself jumping forward and backwards in time, doing what peter cushing says and hoping that his next leap… will be the end of the film..

CLIPS AND MUSIC AND STUFF.

Clip- cushing.

Hagan vo: so who is peter cushing? how does he know about what’s going on? Why is he being followed by his own villainous soundtrack? He only answers one of these questions.

Clip- name

HAGAN VO: He then leaves, telling ferguson to look him up in london before he’ll tell him anything more.

Hagan: why? No I’m serious. Why? Peter cushing… why?

Hagan vo: I know why the film needs him to be in London, biggles is a British literary institution and not having London appear in his film would be like doing the wizard of oz and not featuring Kansas.

pic- the wiz.

Hagan; oh fuck off!

Hagan vo: why do you need to him to be in London to tell him more info? Did you only pay for 2 nights at the hotel? I sure Ferguson would let you crash on his floor if you told him exactly what’s going on.

Hagan: your not going to answer me are you? Minions, kill peter cushing!

Minion4: he’s dead mistress.

Hagan: good. Then you get a raise.

MINION4: YEAH!

Clip- spinning. Add on batman 60’s sound.

Clip- that night.

Hagan vo: so that night at the launch of the new tv dinners, some guest woman notices the bite taken out of a piece of chicken by the fat guy. I notice that he took the bite first thing in the morning and its now evening and the food is currently so warm its steaming. Indicating the fat guy took a bite out of a raw chicken leg. Ferguson then gets struck by lightening again and finds himself in the past.

Hagan: indoor lightning in front of witnesses, what do you want to bet no one goes to the media?

Hagan vo: so Ferguson is in the back of biggles plane and we get the first look at our villain!

Hagan: recognise him?

Hagan vo: replace the coat with armour and a sword. this dear nerds is Marcus Gilbert. More famous for the roles of king arthur in army of darkness and ansylin one of the king arthurs knights in the classic dr who serial battlefield.

Hagan: I think that makes him the worlds only Arthurian actor.

Hagan vo: gilberts basically the red baron but in a white plane.

HAGAN: Or ‘the white baron’. Racist cuntrag.

Hagan vo: then we get the least appropriately scored world war 1 dogfight in film history.

Clip- fight. With music.

Clip- shoot back at him.

Clip- indiana jones last crusade. I’m sorry son they got us.

Hagan vo: funny to think that just 3 years earlier their idea of an aerial dogfight was to fly over each other and drop bricks.

Clip- fight.

Hagan vo: so biggles outflies the white baron and he sends a signal for the germans to use their secret weapon.

Hagn: why they didn’t they do that earlier….

clip- secret weapon.

Clip- death star.

Clip- flying

hagan vo: so they get a photo just before the germans fire the weapon which looks like stock footage of some sort of a radar even though there was no radar at this point, it makes a laser sound effect but fires nothing.

Confused hagan is confused.

Clip- fires. Camera shakes.

Hagan: oh my god, their making the camera shake!

Camera shakes.

HAGAN: no. Stop that.

Clip-

hagan vo:so they climb above the range of the blast, the camera for no logical reason possible decides to try and slide off the wing so biggles goes to save it, handing Ferguson the controls.

CLIP- FERGUSON ON CONTROLS.

BLACKADER- MAJOR STAR. BALDRICK IN PLANE.

CLIP- ill take over now.

CLIP- This is bad comedy.

Hagn vo: so they land and ferguson falls out of the plane and finds himself

clip- back. To the future!

Hagan vo: where he runs off to london and i’m convinced that at least one of the guests should sell the story of the indoor lightning, disappear-reappear covered in soot guy to the weekly world news.

Hagan: actually that’s too weird for them. photos of heaven is one thing but that…

hagan vo: so ferguson arrives in london.

clip- plane landing from freaked. Boom. Glad that wasn’t our plane. Add British national anthem over it.

Hagan vo: and peter cushing lives in tower bridge.

Hagan: makes perfect sense. Christopher lee lives in saint pauls cathedral and before he died george c scotts cock lived in the washington monument

hagan vo: so he goes up one of the towers that tower bridge is named after and…. a man in his 70’s is supposed to live up there. How the fuck is he supposed to get up that on a daily basis?

Hagan: before you say ‘ooh theres a lift’ there isn’t a fucking lift. Not only is there no lift but the only way we see people leave this building is via abseiling!

Clip- iv been expecting you.

Hagan: yessss mr ferguson. My evil cats and other woodland creatures tell me of your every move.

Clip- talking

hagan vo: so cushing explains that he was biggles commanding officer and was given info by biggles about ferguson.

Hagan: in most films young peter cushing would have been a character. Not this one. Probably for the best really….

clip- revenge of sith. Young grand moff tarkin.

Hagan: ah who am I kidding. Peter cushing was born elderly!

Pic- baby with peter cushings face. I think you overestimate their chances.

Hagan vo; anyway ferguson doesn’t believe him.

Clip- time travel is not unknown in history.

Clip- the doctor in various time periods.

Hagan vo so peter cushing starts asking questions that he should already know the answers to because this is a fucking pre-destination paradox and then cushing gives him a ww1 uniform and a bunch of authentic era weaponry so to blend in next time he finds himself in the past. unfortunately the fact that his authentic ww1 weapons includes an uzi is never addressed.

HAGAN: Which is a real pity because what the fuck?!

Hagan Vo: peter cushing wasn’t just expecting Ferguson but has a room rented for him at the hotel near his house.

Hagan: Clearly peter cushing is a dick who could well afford to stay in new york but chose to make ferguson come halfway across the world for the lols. Well played peter cushing.

Hagan vo: Also, he already has a room rented?! I think peter cushing belongs to the same league of extraordinarily rich weirdos as those fuckheads in emmanualle 4.

clip- new york

hagan vo: meanwhile back in new york

clip- dont know why he acted like this. Psychosis trauma.

Hagan vo: side effects include indoor lightning strikes, vanishing and suddenly reappearing looking like you spent a week living in a coal mine!

Clip- london

hagan vo; so ferguson gets into the uniform and waits for the next time jump.

Clip- excuse me sir, ill come back later.

Hagan: yeah because larping is soooo fucking funny.

Clkip- shaving

Hagan vo: so ferguson decides to take a shower and oooh that zany time travel timing!

Clip- lands on cross.

Hagan: minion, do it!

Minion: symbolism…

hagan whips him.

HAGAN: LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

MINION: Symbolism!

Hagan whips him.

HAGAN: AGAIN!

MINION: SYMBOLISM!

HAGAN: Now lick up your own blood!

Minion gets down on floor to lick up blood.

Clip- so yeah, in the past.

Hagan vo: so ferguson gets captured by biggle’s elite, effete commando team and tries to convince them he’s an american secret agent.

Clip- why are you wearing a towel?

Clip- its a big universe, lots of people trying to do you, kill you, rip you off, you’ve got to know where your towel is. HITCHHIKERS.

Hagan vo: so they meet up with biggles and dress ferguson up as a nun.

Hagan: this already sounds like the beginning of a monty python sketch.

Hagan vo: Turns out their 10 miles behind enemy lines.

Hagan: Ha! Like anyone got behind enemy lines in world war 1 without having their nipples used as target practice!

Hagan vo: their there to meet biggles contact, who is a former lover of his.

Hagan: british literary war heroes always have girlfriends behind enemy lines. Biggles, sharpe, hornblower..

hagan vo: Sharpe is biggles with no plane and is fighting Napoleon, hornblower is biggles with a name that suggests he likes to suck dick and is on a boat, which also suggests he like to suck dick. Hornblower is biggles if he liked to suck dick. And all three have girlfriends behind enemy lines. They always end up dead too.

Clip- I know her. Music. Who I she etc.

Hgaan: yeah. Shes dead.

Clip- her dead. Spoiler cam.

Hagan vo: unfortunately the germans arrive.,

Clip- germans arrive

clip- zulus sir, thousands of them!

Clip- biggles, the famous erich von shtalin.

Clip- blackadder. Flash heart and eddie.

Clip- wanted to finish you in the air. Firing squad. Less likely to botch the job

clip- army darkness. For that arrogance, I shall see you dead.

Clip- firing squad.

Hagan vo; so ferguson uses his electric razor to convince the germans there’s a grenade and the 5 people manage to defeat all the germans.

Clip- im not going to put a bullet in your head we dont do business that way.

Hagan: then however did you manage to win the war?

Hagan vo: so biggles and his guys escape and ferguson ends up back in the present day.

Hagan: leaving the archaeologists who will one day find the electric razor very confused… insert your own bonekickers joke here.

Hagan vo: his girlfriend and the fatguy have arrived from the states. They take his appearance well.

Clip- transvestite bank robber, that’s not even in the book.

Clip- this is dr etc.

hagan: yeah, fatguy you are committing a major type of fraud.

Clip- woman and ferguson.

Hagan vo: so ferguson tells his gf all about what’s going on and what a shock, she thinks he’s insane! He then gets struck by llightning and she grabs ahold of him.

Hagan: because even if he’s not going back in time, that is soooo smart.

Hagan vo: and so their now both in the past! Biggles and all find them immediately and express less than no surprise that ferguson has turned up randomly in inappropriate clothing again.

Hagan: they even look pleased to see him.

Hagan vo: last time they saw the guy he appeared almost naked in the middle of a convent.

Hagan: maybe monty python was right.

Clip- lemon curry biggles.

Clip- stuff

hagan vo; their not too happy to see a woman there but decide to take her with them on their commando raid on the german superweapon. Getting there takes just enough time for the audience to wonder why an elite squad of airmen are being used as a ground based commando squad. And the soundtrack farts at us.

Music.

Hagan: and no, they never explain why the time travels happening.

Clip- leaving tunnels.

Hgaan vo: so it takes them 10 minutes to walk to the german superweapons test facility.

Hagan: I know that the superweapon appears to be stupidly close to the front lines but I suppose its fair enough given how little the front lines moved.

Vlip- blackadder. Front lines. Land.

Hagan vo: so they arrive at the test facility and it appears to be located in hiroshima circa 1945.

clip- it looks nuked.

HAGAN: Hey! My joke!

Clip-

hagan vo: so they’re at the weapons test facility to get recon before it used against them… even though the weapons been used on biggles while he was in the air. Twice! Their either testing the weapon on some dummies or they’ve captured an elite auton commando squad.

Hagan: it could happen, peter cushing, time travel, pointless use of london. I’m amazed that the fucking daleks havent turned up yet.

Hagan vo: so they get captured and by way of the woman being irritating they manage to escape.

Clip- i’m an American citizen.

Hagan: last time someone tried to get out of my dungeon by saying their an american citizen I let their cellmates go and drowned them in their own shit. (smiles)

hagan vo: so escape, they get to safety as the weapon goes off and

clip- screams and laser.

Hagan: a dalek heat ray…. why am I not surprised…

clip- dalek heat ray.

Hagan vo: so after the weapons stopped firing biggles finds out that one of the germans has become a dead albino, in pieces and turned artillery into paper mache. So what does the woman do when she comes across a dead germans face?

Clip- eye ripping.

Hagan: suddenly amber bensons boiling-water-hand-dipping seems like the height of genius. Oh and…

clip- olbermann this woman is an idiot.

Hagan: so…. they used this weapon on biggles plane twice. do you recall biggles’s plane turning into papermache or biggles melting when they used the weapon on him? Twice. No? Good. because I dont either.

Hagan vo: so they escape and come across a live german about 20 feet away. Apparently even though the weapon can fire at planes it only has a range of 20 feet. so the german takes a shot and misses and biggles hides even though he’s in his sight the whole time. The brits go off to deal with the germans when more attack and ferguson finds himself back in the present.

Clip- guns

clip- predator. Guns.

Hagan: dunno what’s more amazing, Ferguson being so okay with killing 10 guys or the fact that he hit exactly no one in the present.

Hagan vo: so a helicopter with armed cops follows Ferguson and who should appear but biggles!

Clip- its that hole in time that keeps happening to me

hagan: sure, why not?

Clip- getting to tower bridge.

hagan vo: and through use of stealth punks they get past the cops and into tower bridge.

Hagan: because one group who are never stopped by cops are gangs of punks.

Hagan vo: so they get into tower bridge and…

hagan: holy shit! now they’ve given peter cushing a fucking raven! Stop trying to convince us this guys a baddy! He’s clearly not!

Hagan vo: Its as though they had the script written and then hired peter cushing without any idea of who to get him to play. He’s too old to be the bad guy. So they gave him the only old man part in the script and then try to convince the audience he’s a bad guy in every way besides actually rewriting the script to make him a bad guy. Why? because peter cushing plays bad guys!

Hagan vo: so biggles and cushing talk about how even though we never see young peter cushing he’s honestly biggles friend and commanding officer.

Clip- time we were off.

Hagan: climbing equipment… CLIMBING EQUIPMENT!? Okay, random archaeologists having in their van is one thing but peter cushing having it in his living room?! WHY?! He’s like 90! did his great grand children leave it there?!

Hagan vo: and you know, abseiling down an internationally recognised london landmark… subtle, what the fcuk is that?! So they abseil down, run about 30 feet and find the police helicopter just sitting by itself. Biggles then flies it away.

Hagan: id bitch about biggles being able to fly a helicopter but… he’s fucking biggles, he’s supposed to be the greatest pilot in human history. So, they get a pass.

Hagan vo: hole in time again and both of them and helicopter end up in world war one. Even though when biggles was taken to the future he was taken right from his plane…

clip- I was flying my plane.

HAGAN VO: so their back in the past where of course they get into a fight with the white baron.

Hagan: remember earlier when I said about the least appropriately scored world war one dogfight ever? Well… Listen to this.

Clip- dogfight with music.

Hagan: manfred von richtoven is spinning in his grave. No really. I opened it up and installed a motor.

Clip- flying.

Hagan vo: so they fly into the sound weapon with the helicopters microphone hanging on its speaker, meaning that every bit of sound the weapon fires at them will be fired back at it. Which is great except the helicopter should be turning into meringue and falling out of the sky.

Hagan: and the less said about the light-show the better.

Hagan vo; so boom and biggles crack team percy, algy and ginger…

Hagan: stop giggling, all British airmen in world war one had to have cute dog names.

Hagan vo: they all walk to the convent which is ten miles behind enemy lines and decide to take on all the Germans there.

Clip- fight. America fuck yea.

Hagan: oh. Sorry about that. we’re not used to seeing British people killing things. Wait a sec…

clip- fight- god save the queen. By sex pistols. Or suzi pimms. Or accept

Hagan vo: so biggles and Ferguson turn up, the Germans think its a dragon or something and run off, the white baron turns up and shoots biggles girlfriend.

Hagan: I so called it.

Clip- grief.

Hagan vo: and the soundtracks so kind to feel the grief for us.

Clip- biggles fires.

Clip- batman batwing and joker.

Clip- plane blows up.

Hagan: I don’t think biplanes blew up like that…

clip- future.

Hagan vo: so yay, the war can continue for another year and claim a bunch more lives. Ferguson ends up back in the future and apparently being friends with peter cushing can get you off the hook for shooting people. So Ferguson immediately gets married to the woman and the fat guy who should be in jail for fraud is the best man even though he’s a dickhead who pretended to be a psychiatrist to get Ferguson committed.

Hagan: and hey, fat guy who is so obsessed with food he gets the ring mixed up with sweets. That’s not funny!

Clip- wedding.

Hagan: oh hey racism!

Clip- quick untie us.

Hagan: Ok. That’s one of the best lines ever.

Hagan vo: so the racist caricatures cant even throw spears straight and biggles and Ferguson and all run down a corridor which is clearly the same one they used to get to the German super-weapon and..

clip- BIGGLES.

HAGAN: That’s about it. Its a very silly film, and while fun on its own its not a good depiction of the character of…

AVATAR enters. Hits lights on and hits hagan with gun. Points a gun at hagan

AVATAR: Yes. It is.

HAGAN talks while getting up.

HAGAN: No umbrella? The gun hurts less. Why are you here? Its been days since my last awful joke.

AVATAR: Their all awful! All of them! Every second your a live its like zyklon b injected into my eyes!

HAGAN: Their not all awful. I think your getting obsessive. Why else would you come all the way here? Unless you want to fuck me. No by the way, I wont.

AVATAR: oh I’m not here for only me, I’m here for all those who you made review horrorific things… half past dead, the core, bitch slap.

HAGAN: Hey! Bitch slap was good!

AVATAR: They wanted me to make you review police academy 7.

HAGAN: That’s a really shit film.

AVATAR: Its a state of being so devoid of humour that I cant feel even feel its presence. Its like a black hole, it sucks all the humour into it. I couldn’t make even you suffer that.

HAGAN: Well thanks.

AVATAR: So instead I forced the police to attack your compound. If you’d been in haganistan you would have had a revolt on your hands.

HAGAN: you did that? I’m going to fucking kill you.

AVATAR: but the attack failed. You escaped and… I needed a new plan… so I bought a gun.

HAGAN: you think a gun can kill a god?!

AVATAR: No. But it helps. No, to kill a god… I brought in some help. Boys!

DAWKINS, HITCHENS AND MYSERS APPEAR BESIDE THE AVATAR. TELPORTED.

CLOSE UPS ON EACH ONE.

AVATAR: the strident atheists! Richard dawkins, world famous biologist and polite destroyer of religious belief. Christopher hitchens, intellectual giant of the left and right and angry terror of theism and finally… pz meyers.. who’s only known by people who read his blog…

PZ: Its a popular blog.

HAGAN; I’m sure it is. Teddy, please get rid of these mental cast-offs.

HAGANS GUN against hagans head.

TEDDY: I don’t think so, mistress.

HAGAN: What?

TEDDY: Iv just decided… i’m an atheist.

HAGAN (To teddy) : You wont live to regret this. (to the others) I killed mothers with their babies. I’ve killed great philosophers, proud young warriors, and revolutionaries. I’ve killed the evil, the good, the intelligent, the weak, and the beautiful. I have done this in the service of.. me and I have never once shown any mercy!

AVATAR: Are you done?

HAGAN: NEVER!

Avatar, dawkins, hitchens and myers fire at hagan. She falls down dead.

AVATAR (to teddy) Teddy, Burn that.

TEDDY salutes.

Scripts- Faust: Love of the Damned

1st time I met Robyn the Minion they were visiting Teddy/ Avatar at home and decided to watch this episode (it was new), Robyn had never seen the show before but liked it so much they became a mainstay of the show for years. After myself, Teddy and the Avatar they are probably the most important person involved in my end of production. They watched horrible films with me, made suggestions for jokes, adlibbed like hell, joined me for Backseat Critiques and died more times than was rational on camera. I miss having them around.

Faust

HAGAN wearing hat.

hagan: greetings gentle viewers! The hat was a gift…. from my Cousin…. DO NOT LAUGH! Tonight we look at the sub-sub-sub-sub-sub genre of Satantic/ horror superhero movies! Its an obscure genre. There’s like 2 films in it. This is the less famous one. FAUST LOVE OF THE DAMNED!

CLIP- FAUST.

Clip- guy waking up, destroyed apartment.

Hagan vo: a guy wakes up in the middle of his destroyed flat, a dead woman is being hung from the ceiling.

Hagan: that must have been quite a drinking session.

Clip- credits.

Hagan vo: we then get several minutes of credits over some theme music that sounds like sepultura. But crap.

Hagan: probably post-max cavalera sepultura.

Clip- credits.

HAGAN VO: Movie, really. credits go at the end!

Hagan: that way we dont have to look at them.

Clip- in insane asylum.

Hagan vo: so after the credits we get this show, showing Jeffrey combs and some doctor staring at the guy from the start. The doctor explains that.

Clip- people are not cars

Hagan: vital knowledge that combs will take into consideration the next time he tries his green glowy re-animation juice on a vehicle.

Clip transformers movie clips, re-animator clips. Editted like a trailer. RE-ANIMATOR 4. THIS TIME ITS VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER!

Clip- combs arrives at crime scene.

Hagan vo: so now we see jeffrey combs arrive at a stately home, theres a madman inside and everyones been given orders to wait for the commissioner. since combs is the least likely hard edged, badass lone wolf cop possible and there seems to be mood slime from ghostbusters two in there he decides to screw orders and go in.

hagan: this is my first big problem with this film. Now, I love stuart gordon and brian yuzna films usually but… casting jeffrey combs as your leather jacket wearing, sideburns having, kill-anything in his path cop?! No…

clip- from diff combs films. Camp slimy- weyoun. Camp crazy- milton dammers. Camp mental- herbert west. Camp money-grubbing- brunt. Camp brain damaged- from beyond.

Hagan vo: Jeffrey combs plays camp slimy bastards, camp crazy bastards, camp mental bastards, camp money grubbing bastards and camp brain damaged bastards

hagan: he’s my favourite actor but having him play someone who’s not camp and not a bastard kind of destroys the point of hiring jeffrey combs!

Clip- combs enters.

Hagan vo: okay the crime scene is… a bad waxworks recreation of a murder scene. That’ll make it moderately hard to find the actual victims, speaking of which where are they?

Clip-commisioner arrives.

Hagan vo: the commissioner arrives, sure he looks like a hard working, high ranking cop, a bit like a fat vincent schivelli but don’t let that fool you, he sounds like this.

CLIP- Him saying something.

HAGAN VO: And therefore sounds even more like a bad comedy ethnic cop than chief o’hara. The commissioners none too happy that combs went in against his orders. Inside combs finds more broken waxworks. Still no sign of any actual dead people.

Hagan: or the mood slime.

HAGAN VO: techno-wolverine in a tux jumps out but refuses to kill combs for some reason and the commisioner and his men arrive. Techno-wolverine goes catatonic.

Clip- he’s not a threat anymore! To I am!

Hagan: yooooooou are… clearly a substandard villain!

Clip- jeez the chinese consol.

Hagan: the chinese consol?! Where?! Ooohhhh their meant to be actual dead bodies….. that’s embarrassing. For them.

clip- walking away.

Hagan vo: turns out that was a flashback and….

clip- stock scream.

Hgaan: someone is playing stock movie screams quite loudly in there.

Clip- combs bumps into woman.

Hagan vo: combs bumps into this attractive ex-model made to look mousy and is instantly attracted.

Clip- I get jumpy around beautiful women.

Hagan: personally I find it the idea that jeffrey combs would play someone interested in having sex with a woman without first kidnapping and skinning her vaguely disturbing.

Hagan vo: perhaps he senses that she’s obviously one of those mousy types who will inevitably turn crazy with sex by the end of the story. Sure she’s missing with glasses but she’s so got the right hair and suit for it.

Clip-she tries to help.

Hagan vo: she’s a psychiatrist who uses music to try and get through to catatonic patients. How this works is never explained. I’m going to assume that hearing songs from the land before time part 8 incenses even people in comas into beating people up.

Clip- patrick.

Clip- m and woman.

Hagan vo: meanwhile in the mansion of evil. Andrew divoff watches a lot of TVs showing cnn.

Hagan: I think he owns shares.

Hagan vo: and a woman comes in. they talk about the sort of things that are relevant when your an evil albino who watches cnn and a woman who sounds like she’s constantly orgasming.

Hagan: she’s usually shot from the waist up so the audience cant see the dwarf that’s constantly going down on her. I would never be so unprofessional. (hagan winces in pain and looks down) no! Not the teeth! Not the teeth!

Offscreen- sorry mistress.

Clip- combs house.

Hagan vo: meanwhile in the house of combs he searches for information on a satanic conspiracy called ‘the hand’ that he believes rules the world. And he finds info on them 8th in the list on google…

hagan (looks offscreen): minion… look up the hand for me.

Adds sound effect of typing.

Hagan stands there. Looking at camera.

Minion enters with pieces of paper.

Hagan: thank you. ok. The hand. Number one is the movie- the hand, later on we have hand to mouth, talk to the hand and oh and information on falconry and a fictional group of ninjas in the marvel universe… (looks down) Nothing on an evil satanic conspiracy called the hand.

Hagan vo: Why does this bother me? Because with a name that generic they would have to be extremely famous to even come up on a search engine. And if your an evil secret satanic order that rules the world, you are not going to be famous! Why? Because you wouldn’t be secret then!

Hagan: And your a detective, really… the internet?

Clip- combs talking to some one. Dub- I’V BEEN DOING RESEARCH AND IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE CALLED CATS HAS DECLARED HE OWNS ALL OF OUR MILITARY BASES!

Hagan: you ignore orders, think humans and cars are the same thing, get your information from something awful and are played by jeffrey combs. Why are you a detective?!.(waits) I have got to stop expecting answers from films. I’m sorry. Next scene…

clip- woman goes to see patient.

Hagan vo: the adventurous psychiatrist goes to see her patient in his padded room. And she’s not at all worried that he’s managed to cut himself and has drawn pentagrams on the wall in his own blood.

Hagan: apart from the obvious problem with having a patient who sliced people into small pieces somehow being able to cut himself in his padded cell…. this guys supposed to be catatonic. The only way a catatonic person can cut themselves is if someone balances razor blades on them and pushes them down the stairs!

Clip- sees cd.

Hagan vo: so the guy sees a cd recognises and…

add some sort of irritating song to the scene.

Clip- he upset.

Hagan: nows a good time to mention that aleister auditioned for this part.

Clip- various shots of jaspers- aleister beside doing impersonation.

My name is john jaspers

god is a joke inside a nightmare

im the pornography that gets you off

what do you think brother, too much blood or not enough… OH! I CUT MY TOUNGUE!

hagan: I think somehow aleisters performance was less embarrassing.

Clip- painting.

Hgaan vo: now we get another flashback. Techno-wolverine is just a mild mannered painter and he lives with his beautiful girlfriend with a bad russian accent… who’s black.

Hagan: is it that hard to change the character to haitian or african or something?

Hagan vo: you could have even kept the bad accent, you know Americans. One foreign accents much like another, they wouldnt have known the fucking difference. So the russian mafia attack, with their own black member and proceed to put on sepultura, beat the shit out of the guy and rape and murder the girl.

Hagan: they do it because their the russian mafia. They lose their license if they don’t hit their rape and murder quotas.

Clip- destroy house. Kill and rape etc. music. Loud.

Hagan: I’V DIRECTED WORSE MUSIC VIDEOS THAN THIS! No, wait… I said that wrong…

hagan vo: so what do we learn from all this? Well that the russian mafia really want to get caught. They didnt just leave a witness alive and their dna all over the girlfriend but they didnt even wear gloves while trashing the place and putting cds on!

hagan vo: so the flashback ends and…

clip- in spite of all our science and technology I always knew evil existed.

hagan: i’m famous!

Clip- water.

Hagan vo: and the flashback begins again as he tries to kill himself but is stopped by orgasma, queen of lust and the albino gangster. Albino gangster conjures up a contract through use of cgi and offers him the chance for vengeance in exchange for his immortal soul. The guy clearly hasn’t seen any of the wishmaster films because he doesn’t realise that deals with andrew divoff always go badly for mortals.

Clip- lots of religious sounding crap.

Hagan: wow. Want to throw on any alam salaikims or hari krishans into your random religious crap sandwich?

Hagan vo: Anyway the contract is signed and the guy is now TECHNO-WOLVERINE!

Clip- wolverines! Red dawn. Pic of wolverine.

Hagan: interesting fact, wolverines claws were originally supposed to be from gauntlets too.

Clip- faust screams at the sky.

Hagn vo: and now techno-wolverine is acting like wolverine in x-men origins.

CLIP- X-MEN ORIGINS NOOOOO

Hagan: and this is becoming a spiral ouroboros of referencing.

Clip- looking in mirror.

Hgaan vo: so techno-wolverine is looking in a mirror in a psyche himself up to go kill people scene, except he’s already in the hideout of the guys who murdered his girlfriend.

Hagan: I think he broke in and just waited til they came back.

Clip- guy threatens him. Woman appears.

Hagan vo: so this guy wearing arnies terminator 3 jacket hurts him and then hello sheer bra! As the bisexual sister of a character from the obscure playstation game Vs punches him. Then he gets back up and stabs the guy through the chest and then slices the woman into tiny pieces offscreen.

Hagan: signifying that one of the guys who raped AND murdered your girlfriend should get a quick death while a woman who punches you should be turned into crem brulee. Misogyny? noooooooo!

Hagan vo: but just to show that their not misogynists the womans brutal murder is kept off screen. Techno-wolverine then stabs the boss of the gang through the chest. Signifying again that…

hagan: men who rape AND murder your girlfriend only deserve to be stabbed while women who punch you in the face must be sliced into pieces.

Clip- divoffs masion.

Hagan vo: so Albino gangsters getting medical treatment from the non-hot dr at the psychiatric hospital, techno-wolverine arrives back and gives him someones heart, which sounds like its beating but its not… techno-wolverine says he cant kill again but…

clip- yes you can., ecstasy of it etc.

hagan: I’m andrew divoff, i’m an actor! Not an UNDER-actor!

Hagan vo: techno-wolverine again refuses to kill again because he’s got his vengeance so…

Clip- stand by for mind control (time bandits)

hagan vo: albino gangster mind controls him into eating the heart of the lead russian. This will make him want to kill again. Of course this doesn’t explain why the pre-mind controlled tecnho-wolverine brought the heart to him in the first place.

Hagan: and why it sounds like its still beating!

Clip- shower.

Hagan vo: so like most people mind controlled into eating a raw human heart techno-wolverine has a shower.

Hagan: he also tries and fails to throw up. What a time to not be bulemic.

Hagan vo: so enters toreador the prostitute with one thing on her mind.

HAGAN: Whist! No, actually its sex.

Clip- sex, camera.

Hagan vo: albino gangster watches them. Because the devil apparently is into amateur voyeur porn.

Clip- cell.

Hagan vo: with that the flashbacks end. He went to the embassy and killed the wax dummies.. I mean the people and he ended up in the hospital and knows that the servants of albino gangster will be coming for him!

Hagan: because…. (shrugs) I’m not sure…

clip- take him.

hagan vo: so they kidnap him and threw him in a grave with his claw gauntlet things, which really will come back to haunt the baddies later and after a long villainy speech from albino gangster they bury him alive. now prepare yourself for what I think is a one off in film.

Clip- spider.

Hagan: hell-spider-skeleton-demon-rape!… Take a BIG shot!

Hagan vo: so somehow while being raped and strangled techno-wolverine gets his arms out of the locked straight jacket and into the gauntlets, which have also been sent to hell because…

HAGAN: Gauntlets apparently not only have souls… but damned souls…

hagan vo: he then kills the hell-spider-skeleton-demon and climbs out of his grave and….

hagan: what the fuck?!

Hagan vo: did they not think that SOMEONE would notice this giant fucking gravestone with a gargoyle and FAUST written across it?! This a fucking park! And even if it was a graveyard, they keep track of graves y’know!

Hagan: none of the bad guys in this film even understand the concept of hiding their tracks, do they?!

MINION: Mistress! We’ve arranged the theft of the plutonium! How should we contact the owners to arrange the ransom?!

HAGAN: Sky writing, leave name, address and telephone number.

MINION: Yes mistress!

Clip- cafe.

Hagan vo: because even though their a superpowerful secret satanic order that rules the world the baddies are fucking retards they send guys with obvious and visible pentagram tattoos after the hawt-dr. she spots them because…. she has fucking eyes and leaves the diner she was in and instead enters a dark alley.

Hagan: probly figured that if their dumb enough to advertise which secret organisation they work for one their arm their probly dumb enough to kill her in plain sight.

Clip- leaves.

Hagan vo: and of course there’s 2 cars full of baddies waiting for her.

Hagan: how they know she’d leave that way… the devil works in mysterious ways.

Clip- kidnapped.

Hagan vo: so their kidnapping her and…

Clip- faust jumps in.

hagan: apparently they had a trampoline just out of the shot.

Clip- kills.

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine is now techno-spawn-batman-verine. And he wants blood, death and vengeance.

Clip- gamers. BLOOD DEATH AND VENGEANCE!

Clip- kills. Saves her.

Hagan: that is possibly the worst looking superhero suit of the last 20 years.

Clip- mansion.

Hagan vo: at albino gangsters mansion the only survivor of the attack reports back and…

hagan: my. That’s a very useful height for him to be compared to her.

Hagan vo: because having a dwarf at the eye-level of her breasts is one of the many things that turns slutula princess of the night on She fucks him. Albino gangster watches because that turns him on, she then cuts the guys throat because that turns someone on. Unfortunately her killing men before they can give info on what happened does not turn anyone on so…

hagan: she gets turned into lola ferrari!

Hagan vo: and then slowly gets turned into something from eraserhead the porno. Should there ever be one.

Hagan: please make one.

Hagan vo: the saddest thing about this is that someone, somewhere has likely masturbated to this image. Think about that for a moment. You could be dating that person.

Hagan: oh in case you think I cant work out the obvious. (play ‘iv like big buts and I cannot lie’)

clip- hawt-drs place.

Hagan vo: hawt doctor has gone home, she’s being guarded by 2 oddly Spanish cops. Combs commits a slight faux pas.

Clip- is that your husband? My father.

Hagan: awkward. And y’know what makes it worse?

Clip- sexual assault.

Hgaan vo: he sexually assaulted her as a child. All soundtracked by this sexy sexy music from the movie ‘black cobra woman’

clip- her in place.

Hagan vo: so she hears the sound of a window smashing.

Hagan: the sort of thing that really would have guards running.

Hagan vo: and she finds techno-wolverine. Cunningly disguised as a mind-mannered sex offender.

Clip- what are you doing here? I just had to see you.

Hagan vo: he tries to warn her that albino gangster wants her for some reason, probly because there aren’t that many characters in the film. She thinks he’s insane, even though she was almost kidnapped by guys with pentagrams on their arms and saved by a guy with bloody metallic claws just like the type he’s wearing.

Hagan: there’s scepticism and there’s being a dumbass.

Clip- horns etc.

hagan vo: so techno-wolverine head goes a little red, spouts horns and the cops come rushing.

Hagan: because the sound of a window smashing is nothing, but the sound of skin reddening and horns spouting. That’s serious business!

Clip- so cops attack. Techno-wolverine hulks out and doesn’t quite understand that a dead person cant deliver a message.

Clip- for your master.

Hagan: he also doesnt understand that (rarrrrgh) isn’t really a message.

Hagan vo: so both cops are dead and hawt-doctor is concerned.

Clip- your murdering policemen.

Hagan: yes. She says nothing about him.. turning into.. whatever that is…

clip- why dont you admit, i’m the pornography that gets you hot.

Hagan: I bet you thought that line would make sense in context.

Clip- subway.

Hagan vo: so both drs, the police and combs are in the subway. The not-hawt dr tries to drug the hawt-dr and combs cant help because he’s on the other side of the tracks and there’s a train in the way, so he leaves to go around the long way. Hawt-dr runs off and gets onto the train, the cops follow and techno-wolverine jumps onto the train from the same side combs was on.

Hagan: and yup combs misses the train. his body was not made for running, it was made for raising the dead and sucking peoples brains out through their eye sockets.

Clip- on the subway.

Hgaan vo: so now theres your typical subway action scene.

Predator2. Subway scene.

Hagan vo: its like this. But shit.

Clip- cut together the pred2 faust stuff maybe? Pred kills their cops. Pred 2 symbolically kills this film.

Hagan vo: so hawt dr decides to throw in with techno-wolverine over the cops.

Clip- shit! I lost the girl!

Clip- orgasmo. CURSES!

Clip- subways separated.

Hagan: and then 90 seconds later the next subway train crashed into them, killing 50 innocent people. But that’s not important right now, there’s whatevers going on afoot!

Clip- flat.

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine brings hawt-dr back to her place to have sex with her. His choice in seductive lines are interesting to say the least

Clip- ‘you look at me like im less than human, what if I am more than human?’ ‘Your science blinds you, violence is our destiny!’ ‘Your afraid, look at me. I’m a beast but you want me’ ‘you cant cure evil, its not a sickness!’

clip- sex.

Hagan: yet Again I feel its time for me to find out how accurate this is.

Hagan behind someone. They notice hagan

SOMEON: Who the fuck are you?!

HAGAN: You look at me like i’m less than human. What if i’m more than human?

SOMEONE: Get the fuck away from me!

HAGAN: your science blinds you, violence is our destiny!

SOMEONE: Your fucking right it is if you don’t get the fuck out of my house!

HAGAN: You’re afraid, look at me. I’m a beast but you want me!

SOMEONE: yeah. I kinda do.

In bed. Sheets moving like there’s sex. Add porn music.

HAGAN AND SOMEONE in bed with cigarettes.

HAGAN: You cant cure evil! Its not a sickness!

Clip- mansion.

Hagan vo: so the police commissioner has gone to albino gangsters mansion and combs has followed him. He watches the commissioner yelling at the council of evil that albino gangster apparently kept in a closet because iv never seen them before. The council apparently features both verne troyer and another relative of triangle head from rats night of terror. albino gangster eventually has enough of the commissioner.

Clip- eats head.

Hagan: number 12,895 in the list of things you don’t see every day. An albino eating a Spaniards head. With his stomach.

clip- now get out. Kiss hand.you are the master

Clip- I am the master…. dr who. Terror autons.

clip- on phone.

Hagan vo: so combs phones hawt-dr at techno-wolverines house even though he had no idea where she was.

Hagan: I wonder how many numbers he tried before he got through to her.

Hagan vo: so she goes and because the script decided it should happen combs has now joined the baddies and is finally playing a character that is slightly jeffrey combs ish.

Hagan: next time you have a main character switch sides either do it on-screen or at least have them explain why they did it later on!

Hagan vo: but I suppose I cant complain. I now have jeffrey combs being camp and mental! And because they got jealous of combs ability to switch sides for no reason elizabeth slutory enlists the non-hawt dr to poison albino gangster. Of course Albino gangster kills the non-hawt dr by way of rubbing his face and then kissing him before finally succumbing to tumourfacedness and a shotgun blast to the head.

Clip- audio (wait I still function, wanna bet)

Hagan: with albinos there’s apparently very little that counts as overkill.

Hagan vo: id like to know what poison you can make in a few minutes notice that allows you to melt someone AND then turn their face into a mass of tumours.

Hagan: just for… research…

Clip- dominatrix.

Hagan vo: dominatrix macgraw decides to do some 15 rated SnM on the hawt-dr. The hawt dr claims she’s not interested but then she puts her own hand into the stocks and I’m convinced this isn’t her first go.

Hagan: don’t put me in the stocks! No! Dont whip me! Don’t use the spikey board! No! No! DONT cover my nipples in petroleum jelly and then electrocute me! And you fiend, definitely don’t use the 4th setting!

Clip- sex maniac.

Hagan vo: so after… minutes of SnM the Hawt-Dr has now become an insatiable sex maniac.

HAGAN (with whip) Lets try this out.

MINION: Lets not.

HAGAN: You’re right. Lets not. I’m on too many sex offender lists as it is.

CLIP- ALBINO GANSTER returns.

Hagan vo: so albino gangster returns, looking more healthy than he did before the poisoning and shotgunning. I can only assume that I underestimated what constituted overkill when trying to murder albinos.

Aliens- take off and nuke the site from orbit.

Clip- red giving.

Hagan vo: and then its as though the film has missed another chunk of story because Albino gangsters suddenly in a robe, hawt-dr is on an altar, Domina of Gor has been stripped naked, covered in mud and tied to an X and Combs has had his head shaved, been stripped naked and also covered in mud.

Hagan: could be worse. They could all suddenly be outside a burning steakhouse.

Clip- red giving.

Hagan vo: their having an orgy-thing where their going to raise some sort of a demon who’s sure to be amusing looking and even the KKK have turned up.

Hagan: either that’s the kkk or pyramid head has wandered into the wrong film. Again.

HAGAN VO: oh. And they chant. And there are snakes.

Clip- chanting. VISION BLEAK- KTULU!

Clip- snake removed from woman. Fed to combs.

Hagan vo: how and why albino gangster pulls a fully grown snake from baroness orgasma and why it leaves a yellow wound are not explained. How and why albino gangster feeds this full size snake to jeffrey combs is also not explained and why this leads to slutulus maximus bursting into flames is also, you guessed it. Not explained.

Clip- killing. A-TEENS FLOORFILLER

hagan vo: fashionably late, Techno-Wolverine turns up and I think iv worked out what this reminds me of. jonestown if it was made up of of fashion victims and leo ryan got himself high and raided a costume shop before he arrived…

hagan: all in all this reminds me of a swingers night at a dr who convention I once went to.

HAGAN VO: so albino gangster shows techno-wolverine what’s become of hawt dr.

clip- just you and me and him and him. Scream in pain.

Clkip- room. Tommy wiseau.

Clip- sex.

Hgaan vo: so techno-wolverine is catatonic again and hawt-dr is getting fucked by albino gangster on the altar. Luckily she remembers being raped by her dad and so goes back to normal.

Hagan: Child rape. Bringing people back to sanity since….. whenever this was made.

Clip- demon raises.

Hagan vo: so a demon raises from what I assume is finsters workshop. To keep with the power rangers theme the beast speaks entirely in dragonzord screeches. The demon then burns people… because demons burn people.

Hagan: they look so surprised too!

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine takes on the demon.

Clip- flailing about. Add on power rangers fight music.

Hagan: this guy couldn’t defend angel grove from the Big Friendly Giant let alone one of Lord Zedds creatures.

Hagan vo: so hawt-dr stabs albino gangster in the heart which makes the demon headbutt techno-wolverines claws and die… and for an immortal demon that was going to destroy the world… its a bit of a pussy.

Clip- techno vs albino.

Haganvo: so techno wolverine stabs albino gangster in the chest and he gets set on fire for… some reason and dies.

Hagan: because a stabbing is much more dangerous than poisoning, tumours and a shotgun to the face.

Clip- dies.

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine dies leaving hawt-dr to explain all the blood, bodies, scorch marks and the great fucking hole to hell in the middle of the room….

clip- NOW PLEASE MAY WE GOT TO THE PUB.

Hagan: that was faust love of the damned. Rating is is hard because while its clearly not great there’s pieces of a good film here.

HAGAN VO: The problems come from attempting to do a superhero film on such a low budget and some of the casting. Its basically the low budget brother of spawn. Interestingly the comics and movies came out around the same time. I cant help but think that the budget of spawn and the creative team of faust shoulda teamed up to make either spawn or faust.

HAGAN: Faust love of the damned. Check it out to wonder about the thinking that went into the casting of jeffrey combs. Its like casting hulk hogan as Frederick nietze. But less awesome.

Scripts- Perils of Gwendoline

This is the sort of film that you’d think would make a great review but so little happens within its web of framework of madness that it was actually pretty hard. We decided to play with the running thing that Hagan kills minions by giving her an ep when she couldn’t kill them (it was a happy accident tat the film had enough bullshit to get her really worked up).

Gwendoline review.

HAGAN and TEDDY teleported in.

HAGAN: Well wasn’t it lucky that although I never mentioned it before, I picked up that personal teleportation device?

TEDDY: Yes mistress. Where are we?

HAGAN: Compound 2. Back up. Just like the other but no minions. Yet.

TEDY: what happened to compound 1?

HAGAN: Blew it up. Oh in about three seconds we should hear the explosion. 3-2-1.

DISTANT boom.

TEDDY: You blew it up? (very sad) Most of my friends will be dead.

HAGAN: Go and begin work on a new batch of minions teddy.

TEDDY: Most of my friends will be dead….

HAGAN: Grow a new batch, make new friends, they can be dead later. Now go, I have inquiries to make.

TEDDY leaves.

Hagan contacts cartoon hero.

Hagan: cartoon hero!

Cartoon hero: Hagan?! You’re alive?! Your compound was destroyed!

Hagan: yes. I teleported out before my compound was destroyed. Now, look to your side.

Cartoon hero looks to his side. Scared. Someone with a gun there.

Cartoon hero: how long have they been there?!

Hagan: you do not want to know.. now.. you… my 7,004th arch nemesis… How did you arrange for the pathetic and cowardly police to lay siege to my to and bomb my compound?!

Cartoon hero: I didnt!

Hagan: you didnt? (Hagan believes him) really?

Cartoon hero: no. why would I do that?

Hagan:….. evil?

Cartoon hero: no. that’s you, dear.

Hagan: ah. Yes. Well… sorry about…. bothering you….

cartoon hero: that’s okay then. But if you could… (motions to guy with gun)

hagan: ah yes. (into communicator) 721 code 303.

HAGAN LISTENS as sound of guy beside cartoon hero running and jumping through window to death.

Hagan: sorry about the draft.

End communication.

Hagan: who could it… oh course! THE SULTAN OF DARKNESS!

MOGWAICUB ONSCREEN.

Hagan: sultan of darkness, why did you destroy my compound?! How did you destroy my compound?!

MOGWAICUB: No. I’m mogwaicub. Don’t you remember, we spoke just a few hrs ago? You stopped me having sex with gomer…

HAGAN: Dammit Sultan of darkness, I do not have time for your mystical blatherings about the moon and rajput kings of death.

MOGWAICUB: Im mogwaicub. I’ve never even seen a rajput king of death.

HAGAN: So you deny sending the armies of man against me with your mystical powers?

Mogwaicub: If I say yes will you go away?

Hagan: yes! Deny it for all to see!

Mogwaicub: who are ‘all’?

HGAN; Deny it for me!

Mogwaicub: I deny sending the armies of man against you…

hagan: with your mystical powers.

Mogwaicub: with my mystical powers.

Hagan: ok. Fine. Im sorry.

Mogwaicub: you crazy bitch…

Communication ends.

Hagan: who… who could be so evil… so terrible… so uncaring as to have done that to my compound… someone has to be behind the attack. The police wouldnt have dared do it alone. If it wasnt them.. it would have to be someone uncaring, with a heart of ice. A man. Only a man could be so terrible. A cold… man… no. not a mere man. A guy….

coldguy on screen.

Hagan: why did you send the armies of man against…

coldguy looks unimpressed by hagan. points gun at the screen and waves byebye.

Communication ends.

Hagan screams.

Communicates with teddy in other room. High camera. Other location.

Hagan: teddy! How long until the first batch is ready to kill AND DIE?!

Teddy: 105 minutes mistress.

Hagan screams again.

Hagan: come up here and die!

Teddy: I dont think you should kill me mistress. If I’m dead you’ll have to bring the new batch to maturity yourself. Do you want to felate half grown protominions? I would happily die to avoid having to do that.

Hagan: your right.

HAGAN screams IN ANGER.

Teddy: might I suggest a film?

Hagan: what film?

Teddy: you could watch the perils of gwendoline in the land of the yik-yak, its by the man who directed emmanuell 1. Its perfect timing, as the film ends the new minions will be ready for you to kill.

Hagan: Greetings gentle viewers! This is the adventures of gwendoline in the land of the yik-yak. Whats a Yik-yak and why does it have its own land? And why is Gwendoline interested in it and who is Gwendoline? Lets find out.

Clip- butterfly.

Hagan: always a good start.

Clip- GWENDOLINE.

Hagan: I prefer the full title. Gwendoline sounds like its about an uptight english school teacher who loves butterflies. Carnally. The adventures of gwendoline in the land of the yik-yak automatically puts it right on the what-the-fuck scale.

Clip- butterflies and credits/ china.

Hagan vo: so after 2 solid minutes of butterflies and 80’s synth music we end up in…

hagan: a theme park built on a set that’s roughly trying to approximate china and failing to do so.

Clip- chinese guys.

Hagan vo: so these rather racist depictions of Chinese people break into boxes and manage to find a living, breathing woman in one. Of course they kidnap her.

Hagan: shes in a box from paris. This is set in the victorian era or thereabouts. All she had in the box with her was straw. Anyone seeing what’s wrong with this?

Hagan vo: even if she survived the trip she should at least be covered in enough shit that not even the racist depictions of chinese people would want to touch her.

Clip- her getting taken out of the box.

Hagan vo: and yes I realise this could just be a very clever prediction of budget airline travel in the future.

Clip- kidnapping.

Hagan vo: so racist-racist-racist. And a white woman stealing food from market. Racist-racist. And white woman finds out that box-woman has been kidnapped.

Hagan: ah so perhaps that woman hadnt been stuck in that box the last…. 6-8 weeks without food, water or bathroom facilities… but this doesn’t explain why the box was sealed and the chinese guys had to break into it.

Clip- Chinese casino.

Hagan vo: so we’re in a chinese casino which is like las vegas but crap. And stupid. And racist. And has less penn and teller. The box woman is being held in the office by a guy in a tuxedo, her kidnappers and a small guy who looks a bit like a puppet.

Hagan: and I’m getting slightly tired of the no subtitles.

Clip- talking. Yelling.

Hagn: I’m getting more tired of the no subtitles.

Clip- more talking.

Hagan: seriously movie. Subtitles. Their not hard! Their little words of the bottom of the screen!

Sub- LIKE THIS!

Clip- strips woman, hook, guy bursts in.

hagan vo: hello sex! …….Hello violence! …. hello… buck Rogers who’s been undercover with the village people… in 1871…

clip- buck rogers 1871. with village people music.

clip- fight. Midget on head.

Hagan: oh. He’s not a puppet. He’s a jocky.

Clip- left for dead2.

Clip- fight. Kill.

Hagan vo: so buck fights and kills everyone in the way that can only be done by a guy in a badly choreographed movie can.

(TEDDY beside, working)

Hagan: in their defence. I think the director knows their a hack and just doesnt care. Teddy, do the dance of hack.

TEDDY: What? Mistress I’m checking the…

HAGAN: Teddy do the dance of hack!

TEDDY sighs. DANCEs. APOLLO Z HACK THEME OVERLAID.

Clip- guy and dying guy.

Hgaan vo: so after beating everyone buck talks the chinese guy with a hook through his throat into giving him his money back. I assume he was swindled off screen. The Chinese guy then dies and buck acts surprised that the man who he stabbed through the throat has died.

Clip- oh shit…

hagan: I dont know why but I feel a strange kinship with that man.

Clip- my names gwendoline.

Hagan: oh thats gwendoline. And that was her perils. Now where are the yik-yak and the land named after them?

Clip- that guy owed me 800 dollars.

Hagan: and yet you took nowhere near that amount from him.

Clip- frees her.

Hagan vo:and your swiss-army hook didnt actually cut that rope.

replay cut: slowly. With arrows.

Clip-

hagan vo: so buck leaves, I wish I knew what THAT guy was doing, i’m wondering why the instruments being played dont match the music we’re hearing and oh yeah the fruit stealing white woman has been captured by the 3 idiots.

Clip time bandits- the 3 idiots! They swallow brushes!

Hagan: other idiots.

Clip- they go into office. See gwendoline. Run off. Women hug.

Hagans finger erects.

Clip- talk about the man.

Hagans finger retracts.

Clip- the women try to escape. Get help from buck.

Hagan vo: so the two women try to escape, fail. Try to get help from buck who….

clip- roulette.

Hagan: teaches us that roulette is actually a pretty dangerous game.

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: gwendoline and her indentured servant have travelled from paris to find gwens dad who went missing while collecting butterflies. They need bucks help to find him. Why buck? Because he’s the only man they’ve seen who can stab a dwarf from across a room.

They tell buck that if the roulette ball lands on black they’ll stop bothering him, if its red he’ll help them. He doesn’t actually agree to the deal but decides to help them anyway.

Hagan: roulette does strange things to a mans mind.

Clip- opium.

Hagan vo: so buck takes them to the last man who saw gwens father in town- allan quartermain from the first league of extraordinary gentlemen book.

Pic- allan quatermain.

Hagan vo: he tells them that her dad went to the land of the yik-yak. A terrible place that no one has ever returned from.. which makes you wonder how exactly he knows anything about it. He then goes onto use the naked body of the girl currently sucking him off as a map.

Clip- some map stuff.

Clip- breasts of sheba.

Clip- smell of reeves and mortimer. Slade on tour.

Clip- nobody goes there nobody comes back.

Hagan: again. How do you know anything about it?! Or is it just your thing to strip people naked when your asked for directions.

Clip- guy arrives.

Hagan vo: so in order to give the women and buck some bonding time the plot has them arrested and placed in a jail with livestock.

Hagan: what I would give to know what those pigs did to deserve jail…

clip- hey big blue eyes.

Hagan: oh and their other cellmate is a chicken. This jail is fucked up.

Clip- women at bars.

Hgaan vo: and you could step through those bars!

Hagan: now, a serious moment. Given that this prison is co-ed as well as… multi-species.. I hope for their sake that buck isnt a rapist.

Clip- sexual asault.

Hagan vo: ahhh whatya know!

Hagan: and this guys supposed to be the hero!

Clip- sexual assault.

Hagan vo: watch our hero valiantly sexually assault the leading lady, watch him without thought for his own safety force himself on an innocent woman!

Hagan: remember, kids that rape is okay if you resemble a gay buck Rogers! Oh and take a shot.

Clip- rest kiss etc.

hagan vo: turns out that its an escape attempt. He plans to make her cry for help so he can beat up the guard when he comes to save her from him.

Hagan: which is genius. Except it relies on the guard giving a shit and her not castrating him for attempting to rape her. Please castrate him. By cutting off his nuts.

Clip- afterwards.

Hagan vo: unfortunately she manages to fuck up the plan by being crazy and thinking that rape is sexy! But then the plan works anyway and the jailer loses his ears.

Hagan: (bored) friends. Romans. Countrymen. Lend me your ears.

Clip- men in tights. Lend me your ears. That is disgusting.

Clip- escaping.

Hagan vo: so they escape , taking the time to shhh a chicken as they go.

Next bits.

Hagan vo: so in a sequence thats full of racism, stupidity, the women blackmailing buck, crocodile slaying and buck seemingly meeting his older self. A sequence that’s much more boring than it sounds all three of them end up on a boat en route to the land of the yik-yak.

HAGAN: Cue the thrilling adventure music.

Clip- boat. Unthrilling music.

Hagan: this is just what you expect when you watch a porno ‘adventure’ film directed by the guy who did the ‘story of O’ isn’t it?!

Clip- talking by the river.

Hagan vo: they find out that gwendolins dad is dead but she decides to go on and find the butterfly in yik-yak territory and name it after her father. Since the other woman is her slave she goes voluntarily. Buck goes only when he gets paid $2,000.

hagan: truly a prince among men.

Clip- off boat.

Hagan vo: so they abandon the boat and go on foot. I have no idea where the explorer outfits came from. Gwendoline is of course shit when it comes to nature.

Clip- willard! Your going too fast! End of shot and onto the desert shot.

Hagan: wait a minute…

clip- again.

Hagan: when did they travel to tatooine?!

Clip-

hagan vo:I man, what the fuck?! As I understand it, their not even on the right continent for that sort of cactus!…

HAGAN: TEDDY!

TEDDY: yes mistress.

Hagan: When can I kill somehting?!

TEDDY: Another hour.

Hagan screams. Runs into a wall.

Caption- 10 minutes later. HAGANs lying on floor. Teddy, is looking after her.

HAGAN:how long was I out?

TEDDY: 10 minutes, mistress.

Hagan: so there’s only 50 minutes until I can kill again?

TEDDY: No mistress, I was looking after you and it will be an hour from when I start working again.

Hagan freaks out.

Hagan: did you at least forget to pause the film?!

Teddy: no, Mistress!

Hagan: fuck you and your.. efficiency!

Clip- desert.

Hagan vo: so their still in the desert and we get a scene like this.

Clip- rose of the desert.

Hgaan: isn’t that charming?

Clip- rainforest.

hagan vo: now their in the rainforest.

Hagan: china is truly a microcosm of the worlds entire ecosystem. I wonder if theres a rainy foot and a half squared that’s like Ireland?

Clip- raining.

Hagan vo; the director suddenly remembers that he’s a softcore porn director and has everyone strip off.

Hagan: no sex though.

Clip- capture.

Hagan vo: and eventually their captured by racist depictions of african tribesmen.

Hagan: why not?!

Clip- in prison.

Hagan vo: buck delights in telling the two women how exactly their all going to die and how its gwendolines fault for being obsessed with a butterfly.

Clip- gwendolines cries, music changes.

Hagan vo: but buck immediately changes tack when gwendoline starts to cry and music changes. Now he wants to fuck her.

Hagan: tears are apparently sexy. If this guy saw spiderman 3 he’d come on the screen.

Clip- getting together.

Hagan co: unlike the guys from raspberry Reich their not contortionists and so instead have phone sex. Without the phones. Or the sex. Or the masturbation. Or the privacy.

Hagan; yeah its basically talking dirty with crap synthesisers.

Clip- laughs.

Hagan vo: so the other woman laughs and that’s over.

Hagan: then they manage to escape… using the magical white person powers that all main characters in cinematic racist depictions of tribal africa seem to have….

clip- slapping chief.

Hagan: here manifesting as… yelling.

Clip- the chase. Benny hill.

Sub- I ONLY ADDED THE MUSIC.

Clip- desert.

Hagan vo: so they escape into ANOTHER desert and are attacked by mustard gas. Which somehow covers them in sand. They then run over a sand dune and end up in another jungle with a massive rockface. And you can hear water nearby.

Hagan: jungle-desert-jungle-desert-jungle-desert. JUST FUCKING PICK ONE!

Clip- woman goes down gets butterfly.

Hagan vo: the other woman climbs down and captures a butterfly. Unfortunately…. she gets grabbed and is seemingly eaten by a wall. Buck throws his grappling hook and impales the head of a woman in plastic armour.

Clip- it could happen to anybody.

Clip- with dead woman.

Hagan vo: so the woman says her dying words while sounding like a dalek with a busted ring modulator.

Cli- dead woman.

Hagan vo: And feeling that it could somehow be useful, buck runs off carrying her corpse.

Hagan: and suddenly we’re in a completely different film.

Clip- From dusk til dawn.

Hagan vo: dusk til dawns shift from semi-serious crime movie to vampire splatter comedy is nothing compared to the shift in gwendoline.

Hagan: Half the movie is a silly, crap french takeoff of indiana jones or romancing the stone and the other half is… well it includes this scene…

clip- the woman chariot race.

HAGAN WITH DIFFERENT MAKEUP WIG AND COSTUME): its as though they jammed two completely different films together and didn’t expect anyone to notice!

Clip- going under.

Hagan vo: and within seconds we see this.

Hagan: I love this. Its as though the director went insane trying to stop himself from doing porn for the first half of the movie and so demanded…

hagan vo: a load of extras in steel bikini bottoms, a massive steampunk machine, some of the extras be given helmets and swords, the others have to have their hair in a dumb top of the head ponytail and then he finally demanded that women stand inside the machine so they go up an down for no reason at all.

Hagan: this. Is a director having a nervous breakdown.

Clip- guy dressed up.

Hagan vo: so they work out a plan to rescue the other woman. The plan involves buck dressing in the steel bikini armour.

Hagan: to be fair he’s more feminine looking than some lesbians iv known.

Clip- making out.

Hagan vo: they begin making out.

Hagan: if you squint it almost looks like 2 girls. (squints) oh yeah….

Clip- more machinery.

Hagan vo: so there even more machinery that does…. nothing… the women with the top of the head ponytails operating it look a lot like schlitze the pinhead

clip- freaks. Schlitse. Freaks! Your all freaks! Shots of freaks replaced by the women.

Hagan vo: and buck gives himself away by yelling and running around

clip- their all. Oooh ahhh. Ohhh and come towards him.

Clip- futurama. SNOO SNOO!

Clip- separated. Jail. Fight.

Hagan vo: so they get separated and gwendoline ends up in the jail where a bunch of tribesmen are captured. Here she gets attacked by one of the guards. Her silvery pumps cry to the gods her desire to spill blood. Buck saves her and…

clip- the tribesmen eat her.

Hagan: not racist. At all….

clip- separated. Gwen by machines.

Hagan vo: they get separated again. And there’s yet more machines.

Clip- point at the womans head being dunked.

Hagan: ok. What the fuck is the point of that?!

Clip- machines. Metropolis.

Hgaan vo: its like metropolis.

Hgaan: but stupid.

Clip- machines.

Hagan vo: I have machines like that but their used for a rational, logical reason.

Hagan: to torture people! These people arent being tortured their too serene! Why isn’t someone being tortured!? TORTURE SOMEONE!

Clip- trap.

Hgaan vo; so gwendoline finds the other woman involved in a very stupid trap involving a plastic spear and the evil ruler of this underground… thing enters. You can tell the leader because she looks like an anime character. Shes with her elite guards- the grace jones clones.

Hagan: so just to recap.

Hagan vo : this film featured a loud and whiny woman and a brash adventurer in africa- just like allan qutermain and the lost city of gold. Casual and overt racism all the way through- just like allan quartermain and the lost city of gold. They eventually found a a lost tribe of advanced white people with a special silent servant class of black people- just like allan quarterman and the lost city of gold.

Hagan: what can I say?…. it might have been ripped directly from the far better king solomons mines but the theme music on allan quartermain and the lost city of gold was still much better than this films theme!

Hgaan dances as the theme music plays.

Clip- oldman.

Hagan vo: just like every weirdly advanced isolated population of women that are so man starved that they’d gang rape anything with a cock to death… the yik-yak have a random victorian scientist man living with them.

Confused hagan is confused.

Clip- queen come on to gwen. Wrestling throw.

Hagan vo: the queen comes onto gwendoline and…

hagan: im gonna rescue gwendoline, hoak hogan!… yeah… im never doing that again…

clip- captured.

Hagan vo: buck is captured and the evil queen decides that shes going to use him for breeding stock. Instead of having him fuck everyone there to get a few new members of the civilisation she decides to hve a contest where her best warriors will battle to the death and the survivor warrior will fuck him once and then he’ll die.

Hagan: because that makes sense.

Clip- women statue room.

Hagan vo: so gwendoline and the other women are kept in a… white room filled with living statues and a guard goes to tell them about how buck is going to die.

Clip.

Hagan: and possibly come onto gwendoline. Because there’s nothing sexier than being told the love of your life is going to die. I hope it works.

Clip- I dont want him to die. Extreme cut/.

Hagan: what the fuck was that?! Editing?! How the fuck did they do that!?

QUICK CUT OF A COUPLE FRAMES. TEDDY standing looking at the screen. Then back to hagan.

Clip- escape.

Hagan vo: the movie has much more important things to do than explain how they escaped… things like having gwendoline knock the other woman out and leave her on the floor for anyone to find. And kill. Bucks got his trousers back.. somehow and the queen has him lowered into a pit of women in order to choose who’ll fight for him.

Hagan: but anyway whats gwendoline up to.

Clip- steals chariot.

Hagan: stealing a chariot pulled by women in steel bikinis. I’m almost but not quite sorry I asked. At least they have breasts plates, if their gonna have to run around… bouncing tits can be sore.

Clip- buck jumps on the chariot.

Hagan vo: the scene is a bit like a softcore porn version of this.

Clip- return to oz. Wheelers.

Clip- chariot. Crash.

Hagan vo: they don’t the three pulling gwendoline just stop?! Their not horses, they know their being driven by someone the queen wants. Why not stop?! But no they keep going past the same pieces of set over and over again until. Then buck gets captured again and gwendoline takes a place in the contest to sleep with him.

Hagan: that whole section was pointless. But I suppose you’ve got to keep the pony girl fans happy. Heres to you, pony girl fans!

Pic- pony girl. Hallejulluah!

Hagan: ahhh those crazy pony girl fans.

Clip- fight.

Hagan: so the queen wears an even dumber costume than before and has the 4 women fight for buck.

Clip- fight- test your might.

Clip- gwendoline wins.

Hagan vo: so gwendoline wins even though shes against 3 warriors and has the combat experience of a scarecrow.

Clip- doctor who. Human nature.

Hagan: not that kind of scarecrow.

Clip- gwendoline fucks buck.

Hagan vo: so gwendoline dresses like prince and fucks buck while the queen wears the contents of an entire curtain showroom. Then she reveals who she is and the entire base begins to collapse.

Hagan: the queen takes it well.

Clip- queen ranting. Asshole!

Hagan: and she wasnt even drunk. Unlike the director. I hope.

Clip- escape.

Hagan vo: they get separated from buck, the tardis room is destroyed and gwendoline and the other woman escape but two minutes later they find buck and the films over.

Hagan: wow. Just wow. Wow. I cant do this…. experience justice…. actually maybe I can.

Clip- from film.

hagan vo: crap and boing! Crap and boring! Crap and boring! Crap and boring! Crap and boring! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! PONY GIRLS!The end.

Hagan: so yeah. For a softcore porno thats quite high up on the what the fuck-o-meter the perils of gwendoline is actually pretty boring for most of it.

Hagan vo: The soundtrack that sounded like philip glass on a bad day couldnt save it… And the whole cast was insane because the other woman was much hotter than gwendoline.

HAGAN: I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day

a beat.

HAGAN (into camera)… teddy! Are they ready?

Teddy: almost.

Microwave ping.

Teddy: ready now mistress.

Begin a slow fade out. Make it a side shot.

Enter minion.

Minion: my names juniper!

Hagan kills him.

Enter other minion.

Minion: my names bammin!

Hagan kills him.

Enter other minion.

Minion: my names turgasso!

Hagan kills him.

Enter minion.

Minion: my names jurnus!

Hagan kills him.

Scripts- The Raspberry Reich

I’m gonna post these scripts every so often again as a lovely fan has requested copies for translations on Youtube. So here we go, RASPBERRY REICH!As per usual some stuff isn’t exactly the same as the finished ep and my grammar is terrible!

Raspberry reich

HNN graphic. We love both sides! Honest!
ST JOCK- THIS IS HNN

MINION NEWSREADER: Greetings, I’m Number 7,004 and we are now entering day 7 of the evil government invasion of the home of noted humanitarian and religious leader Diamanda Hagan. For information on this subject- minion anne colouter.

MINION ANNE COULTER: Robert.

MINION NEWSREADER: It would seem to me that some people, especially the government just don’t like religion or humanitarians like Mistress Hagan.

MINION ANNE COULTER: I talk about this at length in my latest book ‘why liberal fuckheads hate decent, kittenish people like hagan’

MINION NEWSREADER: What have you been seeing at the site?

MINION ANNE COULTER: Well the fascist, atheistic, socialist anti-haganist forces have been showing off the dead bodies of minions with targets stapled to their chests. Obviously they have created this ‘evidence’; and are trying to frame hagan for some sort of crime.

MINION NEWSREADER: What about footage of hagan killing minions that has surfaced on youtube and blip?

MINION ANNE COULTER: Obvious fakes. The gun blasts dont even look real.

MINION NEWSREADER: Thanks miss coulter.

MINION ANNE COULTER: Before I go Id like to announce my new book ‘I’m way too old for it but I still wear miniskirts and if you dont love hagan your a dumb liberal and you smell’

MINION NEWSREADER: Sounds like a powerful piece of work, Coulter. (hears something) Just heard that… yes… the divine hagan herslf is phoning in from the compound, her phone signal bravely facing off against the police surrounding them. Do we have her?

HAGAN: Yes!

MINION NEWSREADER: Once again its an honour mistress.

HAGAN: Yes. It is.

MINION NEWSREADER: What’s it looking like in there?

HAGAN: Well we’re running out of basic supplies and We’re being forced to milk and sacrifice the minions.

MINION NEWSREADER: How terrible that it should come to eating the minions.

HAGAN: What? oh no! Its not for food. We wont run out of supplies for a few more days.

MINION NEWSREADER: Then why are you milking and sacrificing the minions?

HAGAN: Iv been locked in a building with them for 3 weeks. What else can I do to keep myself sane?

MINION NEWSREADER: Your strength and sacrifice will go down in history, mistress.

HAGAN: I know.

MINION NEWSREADER: Any chance of a surrender on the horizon?

HAGAN: From them? Probably.

MINION NEWSREADER: Its been an honour. Hail Hagan.

HGAAN: Hail me.

MINION NEWSREADER Next up, what if Belgium and Bolivia… swapped places? Because they have!

HNN- MISTRESS SAYS IT. WE REPORT IT. YOU BELIEVE IT.

Hagan is on the phone. Finishes and turns to the camera

HAGAN: greeting gentle viewers! Welcome to day 21 of the siege of my compound. And as we do every day we have to make sure the police are still out there.

MINION comes out. HAGAN staples a target to his chest. Pushes him out the door. Gunfire. Then more. Then more. Then more. Then a beat.

HAGAN: Now..

GUNFIRE. THEN MORE. HAGAN SIGHS.

Hagan: nOW…

MORE GUNFIRE. HAGAN GETS ANGRY.

HAGAN: FOR FUCKS SAKE! THIS IS THE RASPBERRY REICH! ITS PORN! DEAL WITH IT!

Clip- raspberry reich.

Clip- opening.

Hagan vo: and yes. I mean porn. Cum shots and all. Not emmanuelle and its soft focus and softcore. This is hardcore porn.

HAGAN:Minion, prepare the black censorship boxes!!

MINION enters holding black censorship box over head. Editted in in post.

Clip- black and white guy chanting.

HAGAN: Its also fucking weird! Surprised?!

Clip- more guy.

Hagan: I promise there’s porn here. Somewhere.

Clip- more guy.

HAGAn vo: its hard to believe at the moment but it took me a long time to find the uncut version of this. Most countries only have a horribly censored version where they kaleidoscope the sex scenes.

clip- better than chocolate.

Clip- more guy.

Hagan vo: so after almost 2 minutes of gibberish we get to rewarded with the sight of a man sucking off a gun.

Clip- sucking gun.

Hagan: sexier when I did it.

Clip- turkey shoot review.

Clip- sucking.

Hagan vo: did I miss anything? Oh, yeah he’s doing it in his underwear in-front of a massive picture of che guevara.

Clip- gets shotgun.

Hagan vo: proving that handguns are a gateway guns to bigger and better guns the guy then starts masturbating a shotgun.

Clip- mallrats on shotgun, superman cumming

hagan vo: before he can begin on an m-16 we cut to a woman being fucked.

Hagan: Straight men and gay women might want to hold onto this image because this doesn’t happen very much. For this is mainly a gay guy porno.

Clip- gudrun.

Hagan vo: we then see the woman doing… woman things.. like walking, wearing sunglasses and a headscarf, eating raspberrys, hating capitalism and buying guns.

Cut to hagan wearing sunglasses and a headscarf, eating raspberrys and holding a gun.

HGAAN: What?

A Beat.

HAGAN: Oh.. yeah… fuck the free market!

Clip- the next bits.

Hagan vo: the next bits of the film are the woman- gudrun doing her stuff, the guy wanking the gun, some guy on a skateboard and then gudrun getting fucked.

Hagan: and then 7 minutes in the film begins proper and the sex scene is suddenly much less explicit.

Clip- fuck me for revolution. Fuck me for revolution.

Hagan: admit it. Who doesn’t want to see a porno where john adams says that to benjamin franklin?

Clip- john adams bit with dubbing? Ep2 1h 7 mins.

Clip- gudrun and boyfriend.

HAGAN VO: So gudrun gets her boyfriend to fuck her against the wall.

Hagan: for the revolution of course!

Clip- guy next door.

Hagan vo: and the guy who was sucking off the guns listens in and wanks.

HAGAN: this scene was better when it was in the wicker man.

Clip- wicker man.

Hagan: oh and in case you’re wondering. Yes the guy does masturbate with a gun. And NO I cant show you it!

Clip- sex.

Hagan vo: then theres a bunch of shots of people fucking, wanking and whatnot with the sound of gunfire going off!

Hagan: are you regretting loading this video yet?

Clip- black and white stuff.

Hagan vo: next up there’s a short black and white sequence with bad acting and no sex!

Clip- dialogue from the scene.

Hgaan vo: the guys in the car are planning on kidnapping the skateboard guy.
Clip- dialogue from the scene.

Hagan vo: luckily we’re saved from their bad acting and we cut to gudrun and her boyfriend fucking in a lift.

Hgaan: for the revolution!

Hagan vo: and the lift doors open in front of a middle aged couple.

HAGAN: for the revolution!

Hagan vo: and the middle aged couple get into the lift anyway.

HGAAN: For the revolution?

Hagan vo: ok. This is what I THINK is going on. Gudrun is trying to start a revolution of some sort,. somehow sex in public+ kidnapping skateboarders + unknown = REVOLUTION!

Clip- sex in public+kidnapping skateboarder+ unknown= REVOLUTION!

Clip- tyoung ones

HAGAN: Oh and in case you thought I wouldnt refrence this

HAGAN sways, moves finger in time to music. Underpants gnomes song.

Hagan: there. Happy?

MINION: Im not.

Clip- gudrun ranting while being fucked.

Hagan: ah. Yes. Everything is so much clearer now. Hey, middle aged couple why did you even get into the lift if the sight of young people fucking offended you so much?

A beat.

Minion: mistress… its just a camera.

HAGAN: What?

Minion: The people in the film cant hear you.

HGAAN: I know that!

HAGAN pulls pin from grenade an hands it to minion.

HAGAN: Swallow this and wait in the house of pain.

MINION wlaks off while putting grenade in mouth. Off-screen boom.

Clip- people masturbate while the words raspberry reich go by.

HAGAN VO: Now, you cant see this but the next thing to happen is the words ‘Raspberry reich’ very slowly float by, overlaying shots of men masturbating.

Hagan: just in that bit, I think I tripled the amount of cocks iv ever seen.

Clip- the older couple.

Hagan vo: the older couple return home and within seconds begin to fuck.

Hagan: ah I think I’ve worked out how this revolution works. Its like pay it forward but with sex and when everyone in the worlds fucking… gudrun declares victory and joins in the orgy?

Clips as per description.

Hagan vo: just so you all know. We’re about 17 minutes into the film and we’ve had the following. Straight sex, gun fellatio, masturbation, bad acting, monochrome and revolutionary slogans placed over the sex so I cant show them.

HAGAN: I miss anything?

Clip- cum shot, obscured by black box.

Hagan vo: ah yes. A cum shot. Which none of you can see.

HAGAN: Making this little part of the review completely pointless.

HAGAN is suddenly in a box in the corner of the screen. Image frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is revieweing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Making this part of Hagans review- completely pointless. Fucking typical of her. Cant act, cant write and cant light the shot. Be smart and avoid the joke of a reviewer in future. I’m the reviewer reviewer and I watch it because…. I feel like it….

REVIEWER REVIEWER is suddenly in a frozen box in the corner of the screen. OBSCURUS LUPA is reviewing.

LUPA: And of course another pathetic sign off from the reviewer reviewer. His schtik got old last year. You seriously call that a sign off?

LUPAs image is frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER RVIEWER: Yes I do.

REVIEWER REVIEWER IS FROZEN.

LUPA: Well that;ll be the amazing standards that got you married to that beached whale then.

LUPA is frozen. Image goes to corner of screen.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: You bring my wife into this? You want to start something?

REVIEWER REVIEWER IS FROZEN.

LUPA: I want to start it, do it and finish it!

LUPA is frozen. HAGAN is reviewing.

HAGAN: What the fuck is going on?!

HAGAN IS FROZEN. REVIEWER REVIWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Fuck off, you loony dyke. You want me? I ‘m right here!

REVIEWER REVIEWER IS FROZEN. LUPA is reviewing.

LUPA: Yeah? Well if you had any stones you’d be right here, you fucking coward!

LUPA IS FROZEN. HAGAN is reviewing.

HAGAN: Excuse me, this is my review…

HAGAN is frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Piss off, Hagan!

REVIEWER REVIEWER is frozen. LUPA is reviewing.

LUPA: Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion!

LUPA is frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Its really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Thereaputically theres no danger involved.
REVIEWER REVIEWER is frozen. HAGAN is reviewing.

HAGAN points gun at camera. Fires. REVIEWER REVIEWER falls dead. HAGAN looks up at the camera.

HAGAN: Now. Are we going to keep doing this?

HAGAN is frozen. LUPA is is reviewing.

LUPAs review room is empty. Sound of crickets.

HAGAN: Good. Now, where were we?

Clip- cum shot.

Hagan: ah yes. The cum shot.

Hagan vo: is it just me or does che very unimpressed?

Clip- kidnapping.

Hagan vo: well he;s got reason to be unimpressed. He’s on the wall of some pretty damn inefficient revolutionary kidnappers.

Clip- trunk.

Hagan vo: turns out that the kidnapper who handcuffed himself to the victim is secretly his boyfriend and they have…

HAGAN: KIDNAPPER-KIDNAPPEE-GET-AWAY-CAR-TRUNK-SEX!

Clip- flashback.

Hgan vo: so then there’s a flashback to 2 weeks before when the kidnapper follows the kidnappee around pretty damn incompetently.

Hagan: naturally this leads to…

clip- kissing. Sex.

Hagan: looks like its time for another hagan field test.

Skit- hagan follows someone around house.

SOMEONE: Are you following me?

HAGAN: Yes I am. Do you wanna fuck?

SOMEONE punches hagan.

HAGAN (Hurt jaw): Stupid movie…

CLIP- sex in trunk.

HAGAN vo: and now their naked… and having sex in the trunk. Get that round your mind. 2 men, in the trunk of a BMW, handcuffed together have managed to get undressed and are having sex.

HAGAN:…. fucking Contortionists!… literally…

CLIP- gudrun talking to guy.

HAGAN VO: So back at the base gudrun imparts some vital information.

CLIP- Masturbation is counter revolutionary.

HAGAN: a porno is telling us wanking is bad. Next up we have me telling us all about the dangers of shooting people and a uwe boll movie will tell us shit filmmaking is bad. Actually that sounds like something he’d do.

Clip- gudrun nd all.

Hagan vo: gudrun begins into a long rant about the famous german communist terrorist baider-meinhoff gang and how they were all murdered in prisons. She then gets her men to go ‘liberate’ some groceries.

Clip- shoplifting! Shoplifting!’

hagan: and then we have a… I hate to use this term… big lipped aligator moment.

COLIN OR SOMEONE IN GREENMAKEUP

MKEUP: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

HAGAN: What the fuck…

MINION: Sorry, mistress. The police bombed the real alligator.

MAKEUP: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR-BIG LIPPED ALIGATOR MOMENT!

Clip- on vegtables and animals.

Hagan: you know, you put on a porno by the guy who made ‘no skin off my ass’ and do you expect to have a mini lecture on vegetables and animals and capitalism? No? Then you’ve obviously never seen ‘no skin off my ass’

Clip- gudrun upset.

Hagan vo: gudrun is upset that the kidnappers haven’t arrived home yet.

Clip- where could they possibly be?

Hagan: where could they possibly be?

Clip- burger king.

Hagan: those crazy communists!

Clip- gudrun and the guys.

Hagan vo: gudrun uses the revolution to try and convince her boyfriend to fuck the guy who was wanking with guns while she watches.

Hagan: for the revolution of course.

Cllip- refusal.

Hagan: Quite posibly.

Hagan vo: the boy friends not interested, she changes tack.

Clip- free yourself from your heterosexual repression…. kissing

hagan: that womans a genius. Fucking lunatic but… a genius… so this happens.

Clip- Pulls down underwear. Blacked out

clip- dr who. Look at the size of that thing doctor!

Clip- lots of blacked out images.

Hagan vo: so 100% hetrosexual boyfriend immediately begins sucking the others guys dick and because you can apparently never see enough cock we see it in a 3-way split screen shot. gudrun talks about revolutionary stuff and the guys in the car arrive and those 2 contortionists who were handcuffed together are dressed. Again

CONFUSED HAGAN IS CONFUSED.

shooting range.

hagan vo: gudrun then shoots and yells catchphrases.

Clip- revolution is my boyfriend, hetrosexuality is the opiate of the masses etc

hagan: I like ‘hetrosexuality is the opiate of the masses’

clip- kissing in street.

Hagan vo: the boyfriend and the other guy makeout in public and get glared at by old people and other people do a monologue about the evil of cornflakes while we see footage of women sucking cocks.

Hagan: and then we get this exchange.

CLIP- Talking about bisexuality. Lay back and watch your porno.

Hagan: and it works again! What the fuck!?… I need… to see for myself if this works…. but iv been beaten up once for trying to recreate this film… I need a queer… a big queer. Someone who wouldnt cry with terror with faced with footage of twinks blowing each other…. MR CUB! Mr cub!

MOGAWI: Yes.

HAGAN: Are you gay?

MOGWAI: You need to ask?

A beat. Hagan is thinking.

Magwai: you need to ask?

Hagan: ye……nooo………????

MOGWAY: Of course I’m gay. What do you want?

HAGAN: Ever got a straight man to have sex with you by putting on a straight porno and making him watch it while you fucked?

MOGWAI: Of course not! Thats terrible! Thats sick! Thats horrible!

GOMERX appears.

gomerx: hey mogwai I was wondering if you could suck me off while I watched porno… hey! Whats hagan doing here!? Whats that camera doing there?! I TOLD YOU YOU COULDNT FILM THIS! WE ARE OVER!

GOMERX. Hagan and mogwai stare at each other.

Hagan: I probly shouldnt have seen that.

Mogwai: cocblocked

Hagan: how do you even do that if your in canada and he’s in the states?

MOGAWI (upset): HE HAS A MASSIVE COCK! AND I’LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN!

Mogwai breaks down.

HAGAN looks sheepish.

Hagan: I’ll go finish my review…

MOGWAI: EVEN FLACID I CAN SEE HIS COCK FROM MY HOUSE!

Hagan: i’ll leave you alone…

MOGWAI: GOMERX! I miss you!

HAGAN: Welllllll that was awkward. (communicator) minions. Send them both fruit baskets. (communicator away) continue the film.

Clip- there will be no sexual revolution without homosexual revolution!

Hagan: very true gudrun but please tell me. If this is about revolution and smashing the state then why have you surrounded yourself with only men? Lesbians stereotypically make much better fighters than most men…i mean, its almost as though this whole revolution thing is just so you can twist weak willed men into your sexual playthings…

clip- gudrun snogging man.

Hagan: you genius fucking cunt.

Clip-s censored.

Hagan vo: so everyones having sex and the music is…………………. well…… not very subtle.

Clip- prisoner and guard.

Hagan vo: so the hostage and his boyfriend talk about how the hostages dad disinherited him for being gay and so wont pay for his release and how his boyfriends a little bitch for not telling the rest of the gang that their dating.

Hagan: patti hurst wasnt this much trouble.

Clip- i’ll do it tonight. Good come here or ill report you to amnesty international.

Hagan: you see I actually like this. Unlike emmanuelle where they need to come up with mental excuses to fuck-these characters embrace the fact their in a porno and just fuck. Its refreshing.

Hagan vo: watching them fuck is even less attractive than watching walls fuck. Im not into guys so I dont find it sexy but I dont find it disgusting either. Its sexually neutral. Its non sexual to me. Its about as sexual as watching a review by Linkara.

Linkara appears.

Linkara: hey! I’ll have you know i’m sexy! I’m extremly sexy! I just make you think while I turn you on! The brain is the biggest erogenous zone of them all!

Hagan: you’re no marzgurl

linkara: neither are you! In fact, neither of us are marzgurl! Only marzgurl is marzgurl.

Hagan: so what?

Linkara: im not sure…

Linkara goes.

Hagan: so the they strap the hostage to a… wait a sec?! Was that linkara?!…

clip- stuff.

Hagan vo: ok. Cock is officially boring.

Hgaan: well. More boring.

Clip- ‘I dont care about tibet… I care about my orgasm!’

hagan: wow. Honesty.

Clip- gudrun speeching.

Hagan vo: so gudrun talks about the cia and how they orchestrate coups against socialist countries and then manipulates her last hetrosexual man into having sex with the hostage. Gudrun reveals she knows about the relationship between the hostage and one of her men and forces him to watch as the straight guy and the hostage have sex.

Hagan: I think this means she’s both sadistic AND psychic. Which is still better than the films stated reason. Which is this

hagan shrugs.

Clip- black out shots.

CLIP- SODOMY SONG. Sex scenes.

Hagan vo: then we have sex. Sex-sex-sex. Sex. REVOLUTION. Sex-sex-sexsex. Epileptic fit. Sexsexsex.

Clip- join the homosexual intefada.

Hagan: and now gudrun has no more straight men in her gang. I had no idea it was so easy to turn straight people gay, perhaps ted haggard was right…. those are 4 words I hope never to say in any order ever again.

Clip- escape.

Hagan vo: the boyfriend and the hostage decide to run off. Gudrun reacts by being mostly naked. And industrial music pioneer and professional insane person genesis porridge narrates… insanely….

clip- being insane.

hagan: shocking.

Clip- stuff.

Hagan vo: so with that gudrun decides the revolution has failed and ends the whole thing. And fish suffocate.

Hagan: and then we cut to 2 years later.

Clip- gay bar.

Hagan vo: terrorist chic has taken over the gay community.

Hagan: as it does.

Clip- drag queen talk.

Hagan vo: 3 of the gang meet up in the gay bar, talk about how their not gay and start looking for men to screw. We also learn that one of them cant speak german.

Hagan: even though the films set in germany, he’s played by a german and… he’s german.

Clip- hostage and boyfiend.

Hagan vo: the hostage and the boyfriend have spent the last two years robbing banks owned by the hostages dad.

Clip- kissing outside. Long time.

Hagan: and its a miracle that no ones caught them yet….

clip- middle east.

Hagan vo: the guy who sucked off the guns has become the camera operator for an islamic terrorist organisation.

Hagan: because we all know that one group who love sexually interesting people is muslim terrorists.

Clip- middle east.

Hagan vo: and take note of how the middle east was most definitely NOT filmed in a damp sandpit in germany.

Clip- point out trees behind him very not german trees.

Clip- gudrun.

Hgaan vo: gudrun and her husbnd had a baby and is raising them to be the leader of the next generation of insane, sexually manipulative crazypeople. The baby does not look impressed.

Hagan: and thats that.

Hagan vo: so whats my thoughts? I love this film. Its insane, its funny

hagan: possibly by accident.

Hagan vo: and bruce labruce is one of my favourite film makers. This is true punk film making. But it doesn’t mean that its good. The performances are terrible and the story makes no sense. But at the same time its extremely entertaining.

Hagan:I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day… join me next time when I review

BOOM! Camera shakes, hagan thrown to the side. Alarms.

HAGAN: What the hell?!

MINION: Mistress! Its the Police! Their bombing us!

HAGAN: What?! Why didnt you warn me when the sensors picked them up?!

MINION: You kill everyone who interrupts your reviews!

A Beat.

HAGAN: you’ve got a point.

HAGAN shoots minion.

HAGAN: Now don’t do it again!

Hagan pulls out microphone.

Hagan: teddy! Come here and bring the self destruct device!

TEDDY appear with device. Hands it to hagan.

TEDDY: what are you doing mistress?

HAGAN: I’ve had it with the star trek acting. I’m going to destroy the compound and with it.. everything in a 50 mile radius!

Hagan presses buttons.

HAGAN: That’ll fucking teach the police to try and kill me. Lets see them explain THIS to the public.

countdown begins.

Countdown: 5, 4

HAGAN grabs teddy.

Countdown: 3,2

hagan and teddy vanish.

Outside. BOOM.

POST CREDIT AUDIO.

Footsteps.

ALEISTER: miseryness, Im hooome. Basil sends his… WHAT THE BALLY HELL HAPPENED THE FUCKING HOUSE!?