This was almost the last episode of the show, basically I decided to kill Hagan at the end of season 2 and not bring her back if I wasn’t signed up by Channel Awesome (TGWTG at the time), Id worked hard on the show but wasn’t getting the numbers that’d make it worth continuing. Luckily for the 6 people who like the show they signed me up not long after I finished the script, so Hagan went on her Quantum Leap adventures before returning for season 3.

HAGAN ON THE PHONE (Looks to the audience as if to say gimme a sec)

HAGAN: I want their cocks cut in two and then felated. In that order. Okay, mum. Bye and give my loathing to the sultan.

Turns to camera.

Hagan: greetings gentle viewers! As is traditional.. even though it usually needs to happen more than twice for it to be a tradition.. as this is the last slot of the series I’m reviewing a kids movie. Biggle adventures in time.

Clip- over biggles stuff.

Hagan vo: brief history lesson. Biggles is a classic British literary adventure character. The closest thing to american equivalent would be flash Gordon. Here he has the ‘honour’ of playing second fiddle in his own movie. He’s a mix of classic British ‘whatwhat’ upper class toff and complete badass in the sort of way that was fairly common in fiction until about 50 years ago.

HAGAN: Biggles is a classic character even though he is a lot less popular than he once was.

Hagan vo: Over about 150 books he fought in pretty much every British war or engagement between world war 1 and the late 60’s and like all good british characters he managed to kill several thousand foreigners along the way. If your familiar with the name the chances are its not because of the books but because you’ve seen monty python sketches like this.

Clip- python.

Hagan: the pythons loved them some biggles. So with that out of the way, prepare yourself for Biggles: adventures in time!

Clip- into

HAGAN VO: Like all films set in modern London and France in 1917 we open on the skyline of New York.

Hagan: at least the theme music is awesome.

Clip- theme. Hero.

Hagan dances.

Clip- theme. Hero.

Cartoon hero hears something very far away.

Cartoon hero (listens): …. nah….

Hagan vo: so in new York we see a guy in a red jacket being stalked in a dark alley by peter cushing.

Clip- star wars.

Hagan vo: yes that peter cushing.

Hagan: yes. that peter cushing.

Hagan vo: its not enough that its dark, the guys alone, being followed by a horror icon and there’s a fucking black cat there! they also felt the need to add OMINOUS MUSIC!

Clip- suspense music.

Hagan: that’s the sort of thing you hear in a poorly made friday the 13th sequel…

clip- knock know.

Hagan vo: ok with this build up. This better be good.

Clip- are you alright?

Hagan: they hire an iconic horror actor, give him a scary theme, have him follow a man home at night past a black cat and then they have him ask if the guys alright…. CMON! THIS GUY BLEW UP ALDERAAN!

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: but he’s not finished there. Oh no.

clip- have you got the correct time?

Hagan: apart from bonekickers that was the worst build up to payoff ratio ever. At least the build up was short this time.

Clip- in room.

Hagan vo: so the guy, Jim Ferguson played by Alex Hyde white who you might not remember from this.

clip- fantastic four. Roger corman.

Hagan: heh. That was funny because he thought it was a real movie.

Clip- speech.

Hagan vo: because its the 80’s Ferguson works for a TV dinners company or something and he’s writing a speech.

Clip- speech. LIGHTNING.

HAGAN: God no like your writing, Ferguson.

Clip- sent back in time.

Hagan vo: so Ferguson is struck by lightning and finds himself standing in a muddy field.

Hagan: I must remember this next time I climb a lightning rod during a storm.

Hagan vo: and he sort of stands there until a plane almost crashes on him.

Clip- hello, lend a hand.

Hagan: oh hello British understatement!

Hagan vo: this is neil dickson star of a certain series about a she-wolf in london loved by a she-wolf in arizona. And he’s playing the titular biggles.

Hagan: this might be a mind bending experience, in most films the upper class, British guy is the wussy baddy. In this he’s the badass who could probably take down an entire army by himself.

Clip-

hagan vo: anyway Ferguson helps biggles free from his plane and they run while the plane is blown up.

Hagan: I should probably mention that we’re In 1917 now. Because lightning does that. Watch.

SKIT. MINION1 stands alone. lighting. Minion vanishes. MINION2 enters with letter.

MINION2: Mistress, one of our agents found this letter in the archives of a museum. Its from 1917.

HAGAN takes letter. Reads.

HAGAN: (Reading) ‘Its cold in the past and I want to go home- love, minion bob’

Hagan hands MINION2 a weapon.

HAGAN: Take this and kill him.

MINION2 is struck by lightning. Vanishes.

Hagan goes back to review

HAGAN: Now that he’s in the past…

MINION 3 enters.

MINION3: Mistress, we have uncovered another letter in the museum. Its says that ‘Minion Bob and I have decided to get married and live in guam.’

HAGAN: 1917. well their probably dead by now. Nuke Guam anyway. Now! How did I have a time travel lighting strike indoors? Aleister will explain.

ALEISTER: Hello ladies.
Look at your boyfriend.
Now back to me.
Now back to your boyfriend.
Now back to me.
He’s not me.
But wearing a hat like this he could look like me.
Look at your boyfriend who doesn’t look like me.
Now back to me.
(BEARD) Iv grown a beard.
Look at your boyfriend.
Has he grown a beard?
no. but if he had grown a beard he could look like me.
Look at my hand
(DOES FINGER) i has fingers.
Does your boyfriend have fingers?
Look at your boyfriend.
Now back to me.
I’m fucking basil.
He’s in America and I’m not
how am I doing that?
Because I’m me.

HAGAN: Hope that clears everything up.

Clip- run off boom.

Hagan vo: so the Germans who are miles away blow up the plane in one shot… somehow… and Ferguson hands biggles his company card and biggles assumes he’s an American soldier.

Hagan: 34th pizza making airborne.

Clip

Hagan vo: so the Germans bomb Ferguson and this sends him

clip- BACK. TO THE FUTURE!

HAGAN: Note to self. Bombing people sends them into the future. And based on how many people iv bombed I should be scared.

Clip- next day

hagan vo: so the next morning Ferguson goes into work and discovers that a fat guy working for him is trying to add the softest of soft-core 80’s pg rated porn to the cover of a new line of TV dinners that their doing. Because when people want crappy, easy to cook food they also want PORN!

Hagan: and I love the distracting random arnie cut-out in the background.

Cliop- looks almost good enough to eat. Looks fantastic. Takes a bite.

Hagan: oh hey, fat guy who cant stop himself eating a TV dinners display.

ROBOT CHICKEN- Thats not funny!

Clip- peter cushing.

Hagan vo; and peter cushing is back, having got past security and standing around in his black hat with his ominous soundtrack. He begins questioning Ferguson about what happened, he knows that he went back in time but doesn’t know if he saved biggles.

Hagan: which is dumb because if Ferguson didn’t save biggles and changed the time-line then peter cushings memories would have been changed too and he’d know already that biggles died. But if biggles died then peter cushing wouldn’t have met Ferguson to help him go back in time to help biggle but if peter cushing hadn’t met Ferguson them history would have been…

clip- austin powers. Oh look iv gone cross eyed.

Clip- talking.

Hgan vo: so peter cushing asks about the camera on biggles plane. It was destroyed in the explosion. So cushing tells him that he’s going to be sent back in time again because he knows that his mission in the past includes making sure biggles gathers reconnaissance on a new German super-weapon.

QUANTUM LEAP PARODY

DUB (lupa?)- trying to write a speech alone in his apartment one night, Jim ferguson was struck by lightening… and vanished.

He found himself in the past, facing a british man with a face that was not his own and driven by a unknown force to keep history the way it always was by way of a pre-destination paradox. His only guide on his journey is peter cushing, an iconic horror actor from his own time that everyone can see and hear. And so Ferguson finds himself jumping forward and backwards in time, doing what peter cushing says and hoping that his next leap… will be the end of the film..

CLIPS AND MUSIC AND STUFF.

Clip- cushing.

Hagan vo: so who is peter cushing? how does he know about what’s going on? Why is he being followed by his own villainous soundtrack? He only answers one of these questions.

Clip- name

HAGAN VO: He then leaves, telling ferguson to look him up in london before he’ll tell him anything more.

Hagan: why? No I’m serious. Why? Peter cushing… why?

Hagan vo: I know why the film needs him to be in London, biggles is a British literary institution and not having London appear in his film would be like doing the wizard of oz and not featuring Kansas.

pic- the wiz.

Hagan; oh fuck off!

Hagan vo: why do you need to him to be in London to tell him more info? Did you only pay for 2 nights at the hotel? I sure Ferguson would let you crash on his floor if you told him exactly what’s going on.

Hagan: your not going to answer me are you? Minions, kill peter cushing!

Minion4: he’s dead mistress.

Hagan: good. Then you get a raise.

MINION4: YEAH!

Clip- spinning. Add on batman 60’s sound.

Clip- that night.

Hagan vo: so that night at the launch of the new tv dinners, some guest woman notices the bite taken out of a piece of chicken by the fat guy. I notice that he took the bite first thing in the morning and its now evening and the food is currently so warm its steaming. Indicating the fat guy took a bite out of a raw chicken leg. Ferguson then gets struck by lightening again and finds himself in the past.

Hagan: indoor lightning in front of witnesses, what do you want to bet no one goes to the media?

Hagan vo: so Ferguson is in the back of biggles plane and we get the first look at our villain!

Hagan: recognise him?

Hagan vo: replace the coat with armour and a sword. this dear nerds is Marcus Gilbert. More famous for the roles of king arthur in army of darkness and ansylin one of the king arthurs knights in the classic dr who serial battlefield.

Hagan: I think that makes him the worlds only Arthurian actor.

Hagan vo: gilberts basically the red baron but in a white plane.

HAGAN: Or ‘the white baron’. Racist cuntrag.

Hagan vo: then we get the least appropriately scored world war 1 dogfight in film history.

Clip- fight. With music.

Clip- shoot back at him.

Clip- indiana jones last crusade. I’m sorry son they got us.

Hagan vo: funny to think that just 3 years earlier their idea of an aerial dogfight was to fly over each other and drop bricks.

Clip- fight.

Hagan vo: so biggles outflies the white baron and he sends a signal for the germans to use their secret weapon.

Hagn: why they didn’t they do that earlier….

clip- secret weapon.

Clip- death star.

Clip- flying

hagan vo: so they get a photo just before the germans fire the weapon which looks like stock footage of some sort of a radar even though there was no radar at this point, it makes a laser sound effect but fires nothing.

Confused hagan is confused.

Clip- fires. Camera shakes.

Hagan: oh my god, their making the camera shake!

Camera shakes.

HAGAN: no. Stop that.

Clip-

hagan vo:so they climb above the range of the blast, the camera for no logical reason possible decides to try and slide off the wing so biggles goes to save it, handing Ferguson the controls.

CLIP- FERGUSON ON CONTROLS.

BLACKADER- MAJOR STAR. BALDRICK IN PLANE.

CLIP- ill take over now.

CLIP- This is bad comedy.

Hagn vo: so they land and ferguson falls out of the plane and finds himself

clip- back. To the future!

Hagan vo: where he runs off to london and i’m convinced that at least one of the guests should sell the story of the indoor lightning, disappear-reappear covered in soot guy to the weekly world news.

Hagan: actually that’s too weird for them. photos of heaven is one thing but that…

hagan vo: so ferguson arrives in london.

clip- plane landing from freaked. Boom. Glad that wasn’t our plane. Add British national anthem over it.

Hagan vo: and peter cushing lives in tower bridge.

Hagan: makes perfect sense. Christopher lee lives in saint pauls cathedral and before he died george c scotts cock lived in the washington monument

hagan vo: so he goes up one of the towers that tower bridge is named after and…. a man in his 70’s is supposed to live up there. How the fuck is he supposed to get up that on a daily basis?

Hagan: before you say ‘ooh theres a lift’ there isn’t a fucking lift. Not only is there no lift but the only way we see people leave this building is via abseiling!

Clip- iv been expecting you.

Hagan: yessss mr ferguson. My evil cats and other woodland creatures tell me of your every move.

Clip- talking

hagan vo: so cushing explains that he was biggles commanding officer and was given info by biggles about ferguson.

Hagan: in most films young peter cushing would have been a character. Not this one. Probably for the best really….

clip- revenge of sith. Young grand moff tarkin.

Hagan: ah who am I kidding. Peter cushing was born elderly!

Pic- baby with peter cushings face. I think you overestimate their chances.

Hagan vo; anyway ferguson doesn’t believe him.

Clip- time travel is not unknown in history.

Clip- the doctor in various time periods.

Hagan vo so peter cushing starts asking questions that he should already know the answers to because this is a fucking pre-destination paradox and then cushing gives him a ww1 uniform and a bunch of authentic era weaponry so to blend in next time he finds himself in the past. unfortunately the fact that his authentic ww1 weapons includes an uzi is never addressed.

HAGAN: Which is a real pity because what the fuck?!

Hagan Vo: peter cushing wasn’t just expecting Ferguson but has a room rented for him at the hotel near his house.

Hagan: Clearly peter cushing is a dick who could well afford to stay in new york but chose to make ferguson come halfway across the world for the lols. Well played peter cushing.

Hagan vo: Also, he already has a room rented?! I think peter cushing belongs to the same league of extraordinarily rich weirdos as those fuckheads in emmanualle 4.

clip- new york

hagan vo: meanwhile back in new york

clip- dont know why he acted like this. Psychosis trauma.

Hagan vo: side effects include indoor lightning strikes, vanishing and suddenly reappearing looking like you spent a week living in a coal mine!

Clip- london

hagan vo; so ferguson gets into the uniform and waits for the next time jump.

Clip- excuse me sir, ill come back later.

Hagan: yeah because larping is soooo fucking funny.

Clkip- shaving

Hagan vo: so ferguson decides to take a shower and oooh that zany time travel timing!

Clip- lands on cross.

Hagan: minion, do it!

Minion: symbolism…

hagan whips him.

HAGAN: LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

MINION: Symbolism!

Hagan whips him.

HAGAN: AGAIN!

MINION: SYMBOLISM!

HAGAN: Now lick up your own blood!

Minion gets down on floor to lick up blood.

Clip- so yeah, in the past.

Hagan vo: so ferguson gets captured by biggle’s elite, effete commando team and tries to convince them he’s an american secret agent.

Clip- why are you wearing a towel?

Clip- its a big universe, lots of people trying to do you, kill you, rip you off, you’ve got to know where your towel is. HITCHHIKERS.

Hagan vo: so they meet up with biggles and dress ferguson up as a nun.

Hagan: this already sounds like the beginning of a monty python sketch.

Hagan vo: Turns out their 10 miles behind enemy lines.

Hagan: Ha! Like anyone got behind enemy lines in world war 1 without having their nipples used as target practice!

Hagan vo: their there to meet biggles contact, who is a former lover of his.

Hagan: british literary war heroes always have girlfriends behind enemy lines. Biggles, sharpe, hornblower..

hagan vo: Sharpe is biggles with no plane and is fighting Napoleon, hornblower is biggles with a name that suggests he likes to suck dick and is on a boat, which also suggests he like to suck dick. Hornblower is biggles if he liked to suck dick. And all three have girlfriends behind enemy lines. They always end up dead too.

Clip- I know her. Music. Who I she etc.

Hgaan: yeah. Shes dead.

Clip- her dead. Spoiler cam.

Hagan vo: unfortunately the germans arrive.,

Clip- germans arrive

clip- zulus sir, thousands of them!

Clip- biggles, the famous erich von shtalin.

Clip- blackadder. Flash heart and eddie.

Clip- wanted to finish you in the air. Firing squad. Less likely to botch the job

clip- army darkness. For that arrogance, I shall see you dead.

Clip- firing squad.

Hagan vo; so ferguson uses his electric razor to convince the germans there’s a grenade and the 5 people manage to defeat all the germans.

Clip- im not going to put a bullet in your head we dont do business that way.

Hagan: then however did you manage to win the war?

Hagan vo: so biggles and his guys escape and ferguson ends up back in the present day.

Hagan: leaving the archaeologists who will one day find the electric razor very confused… insert your own bonekickers joke here.

Hagan vo: his girlfriend and the fatguy have arrived from the states. They take his appearance well.

Clip- transvestite bank robber, that’s not even in the book.

Clip- this is dr etc.

hagan: yeah, fatguy you are committing a major type of fraud.

Clip- woman and ferguson.

Hagan vo: so ferguson tells his gf all about what’s going on and what a shock, she thinks he’s insane! He then gets struck by llightning and she grabs ahold of him.

Hagan: because even if he’s not going back in time, that is soooo smart.

Hagan vo: and so their now both in the past! Biggles and all find them immediately and express less than no surprise that ferguson has turned up randomly in inappropriate clothing again.

Hagan: they even look pleased to see him.

Hagan vo: last time they saw the guy he appeared almost naked in the middle of a convent.

Hagan: maybe monty python was right.

Clip- lemon curry biggles.

Clip- stuff

hagan vo; their not too happy to see a woman there but decide to take her with them on their commando raid on the german superweapon. Getting there takes just enough time for the audience to wonder why an elite squad of airmen are being used as a ground based commando squad. And the soundtrack farts at us.

Music.

Hagan: and no, they never explain why the time travels happening.

Clip- leaving tunnels.

Hgaan vo: so it takes them 10 minutes to walk to the german superweapons test facility.

Hagan: I know that the superweapon appears to be stupidly close to the front lines but I suppose its fair enough given how little the front lines moved.

Vlip- blackadder. Front lines. Land.

Hagan vo: so they arrive at the test facility and it appears to be located in hiroshima circa 1945.

clip- it looks nuked.

HAGAN: Hey! My joke!

Clip-

hagan vo: so they’re at the weapons test facility to get recon before it used against them… even though the weapons been used on biggles while he was in the air. Twice! Their either testing the weapon on some dummies or they’ve captured an elite auton commando squad.

Hagan: it could happen, peter cushing, time travel, pointless use of london. I’m amazed that the fucking daleks havent turned up yet.

Hagan vo: so they get captured and by way of the woman being irritating they manage to escape.

Clip- i’m an American citizen.

Hagan: last time someone tried to get out of my dungeon by saying their an american citizen I let their cellmates go and drowned them in their own shit. (smiles)

hagan vo: so escape, they get to safety as the weapon goes off and

clip- screams and laser.

Hagan: a dalek heat ray…. why am I not surprised…

clip- dalek heat ray.

Hagan vo: so after the weapons stopped firing biggles finds out that one of the germans has become a dead albino, in pieces and turned artillery into paper mache. So what does the woman do when she comes across a dead germans face?

Clip- eye ripping.

Hagan: suddenly amber bensons boiling-water-hand-dipping seems like the height of genius. Oh and…

clip- olbermann this woman is an idiot.

Hagan: so…. they used this weapon on biggles plane twice. do you recall biggles’s plane turning into papermache or biggles melting when they used the weapon on him? Twice. No? Good. because I dont either.

Hagan vo: so they escape and come across a live german about 20 feet away. Apparently even though the weapon can fire at planes it only has a range of 20 feet. so the german takes a shot and misses and biggles hides even though he’s in his sight the whole time. The brits go off to deal with the germans when more attack and ferguson finds himself back in the present.

Clip- guns

clip- predator. Guns.

Hagan: dunno what’s more amazing, Ferguson being so okay with killing 10 guys or the fact that he hit exactly no one in the present.

Hagan vo: so a helicopter with armed cops follows Ferguson and who should appear but biggles!

Clip- its that hole in time that keeps happening to me

hagan: sure, why not?

Clip- getting to tower bridge.

hagan vo: and through use of stealth punks they get past the cops and into tower bridge.

Hagan: because one group who are never stopped by cops are gangs of punks.

Hagan vo: so they get into tower bridge and…

hagan: holy shit! now they’ve given peter cushing a fucking raven! Stop trying to convince us this guys a baddy! He’s clearly not!

Hagan vo: Its as though they had the script written and then hired peter cushing without any idea of who to get him to play. He’s too old to be the bad guy. So they gave him the only old man part in the script and then try to convince the audience he’s a bad guy in every way besides actually rewriting the script to make him a bad guy. Why? because peter cushing plays bad guys!

Hagan vo: so biggles and cushing talk about how even though we never see young peter cushing he’s honestly biggles friend and commanding officer.

Clip- time we were off.

Hagan: climbing equipment… CLIMBING EQUIPMENT!? Okay, random archaeologists having in their van is one thing but peter cushing having it in his living room?! WHY?! He’s like 90! did his great grand children leave it there?!

Hagan vo: and you know, abseiling down an internationally recognised london landmark… subtle, what the fcuk is that?! So they abseil down, run about 30 feet and find the police helicopter just sitting by itself. Biggles then flies it away.

Hagan: id bitch about biggles being able to fly a helicopter but… he’s fucking biggles, he’s supposed to be the greatest pilot in human history. So, they get a pass.

Hagan vo: hole in time again and both of them and helicopter end up in world war one. Even though when biggles was taken to the future he was taken right from his plane…

clip- I was flying my plane.

HAGAN VO: so their back in the past where of course they get into a fight with the white baron.

Hagan: remember earlier when I said about the least appropriately scored world war one dogfight ever? Well… Listen to this.

Clip- dogfight with music.

Hagan: manfred von richtoven is spinning in his grave. No really. I opened it up and installed a motor.

Clip- flying.

Hagan vo: so they fly into the sound weapon with the helicopters microphone hanging on its speaker, meaning that every bit of sound the weapon fires at them will be fired back at it. Which is great except the helicopter should be turning into meringue and falling out of the sky.

Hagan: and the less said about the light-show the better.

Hagan vo; so boom and biggles crack team percy, algy and ginger…

Hagan: stop giggling, all British airmen in world war one had to have cute dog names.

Hagan vo: they all walk to the convent which is ten miles behind enemy lines and decide to take on all the Germans there.

Clip- fight. America fuck yea.

Hagan: oh. Sorry about that. we’re not used to seeing British people killing things. Wait a sec…

clip- fight- god save the queen. By sex pistols. Or suzi pimms. Or accept

Hagan vo: so biggles and Ferguson turn up, the Germans think its a dragon or something and run off, the white baron turns up and shoots biggles girlfriend.

Hagan: I so called it.

Clip- grief.

Hagan vo: and the soundtracks so kind to feel the grief for us.

Clip- biggles fires.

Clip- batman batwing and joker.

Clip- plane blows up.

Hagan: I don’t think biplanes blew up like that…

clip- future.

Hagan vo: so yay, the war can continue for another year and claim a bunch more lives. Ferguson ends up back in the future and apparently being friends with peter cushing can get you off the hook for shooting people. So Ferguson immediately gets married to the woman and the fat guy who should be in jail for fraud is the best man even though he’s a dickhead who pretended to be a psychiatrist to get Ferguson committed.

Hagan: and hey, fat guy who is so obsessed with food he gets the ring mixed up with sweets. That’s not funny!

Clip- wedding.

Hagan: oh hey racism!

Clip- quick untie us.

Hagan: Ok. That’s one of the best lines ever.

Hagan vo: so the racist caricatures cant even throw spears straight and biggles and Ferguson and all run down a corridor which is clearly the same one they used to get to the German super-weapon and..

clip- BIGGLES.

HAGAN: That’s about it. Its a very silly film, and while fun on its own its not a good depiction of the character of…

AVATAR enters. Hits lights on and hits hagan with gun. Points a gun at hagan

AVATAR: Yes. It is.

HAGAN talks while getting up.

HAGAN: No umbrella? The gun hurts less. Why are you here? Its been days since my last awful joke.

AVATAR: Their all awful! All of them! Every second your a live its like zyklon b injected into my eyes!

HAGAN: Their not all awful. I think your getting obsessive. Why else would you come all the way here? Unless you want to fuck me. No by the way, I wont.

AVATAR: oh I’m not here for only me, I’m here for all those who you made review horrorific things… half past dead, the core, bitch slap.

HAGAN: Hey! Bitch slap was good!

AVATAR: They wanted me to make you review police academy 7.

HAGAN: That’s a really shit film.

AVATAR: Its a state of being so devoid of humour that I cant feel even feel its presence. Its like a black hole, it sucks all the humour into it. I couldn’t make even you suffer that.

HAGAN: Well thanks.

AVATAR: So instead I forced the police to attack your compound. If you’d been in haganistan you would have had a revolt on your hands.

HAGAN: you did that? I’m going to fucking kill you.

AVATAR: but the attack failed. You escaped and… I needed a new plan… so I bought a gun.

HAGAN: you think a gun can kill a god?!

AVATAR: No. But it helps. No, to kill a god… I brought in some help. Boys!

DAWKINS, HITCHENS AND MYSERS APPEAR BESIDE THE AVATAR. TELPORTED.

CLOSE UPS ON EACH ONE.

AVATAR: the strident atheists! Richard dawkins, world famous biologist and polite destroyer of religious belief. Christopher hitchens, intellectual giant of the left and right and angry terror of theism and finally… pz meyers.. who’s only known by people who read his blog…

PZ: Its a popular blog.

HAGAN; I’m sure it is. Teddy, please get rid of these mental cast-offs.

HAGANS GUN against hagans head.

TEDDY: I don’t think so, mistress.

HAGAN: What?

TEDDY: Iv just decided… i’m an atheist.

HAGAN (To teddy) : You wont live to regret this. (to the others) I killed mothers with their babies. I’ve killed great philosophers, proud young warriors, and revolutionaries. I’ve killed the evil, the good, the intelligent, the weak, and the beautiful. I have done this in the service of.. me and I have never once shown any mercy!

AVATAR: Are you done?

HAGAN: NEVER!

Avatar, dawkins, hitchens and myers fire at hagan. She falls down dead.

AVATAR (to teddy) Teddy, Burn that.

TEDDY salutes.

Scripts- Faust: Love of the Damned

1st time I met Robyn the Minion they were visiting Teddy/ Avatar at home and decided to watch this episode (it was new), Robyn had never seen the show before but liked it so much they became a mainstay of the show for years. After myself, Teddy and the Avatar they are probably the most important person involved in my end of production. They watched horrible films with me, made suggestions for jokes, adlibbed like hell, joined me for Backseat Critiques and died more times than was rational on camera. I miss having them around.

Faust

HAGAN wearing hat.

hagan: greetings gentle viewers! The hat was a gift…. from my Cousin…. DO NOT LAUGH! Tonight we look at the sub-sub-sub-sub-sub genre of Satantic/ horror superhero movies! Its an obscure genre. There’s like 2 films in it. This is the less famous one. FAUST LOVE OF THE DAMNED!

CLIP- FAUST.

Clip- guy waking up, destroyed apartment.

Hagan vo: a guy wakes up in the middle of his destroyed flat, a dead woman is being hung from the ceiling.

Hagan: that must have been quite a drinking session.

Clip- credits.

Hagan vo: we then get several minutes of credits over some theme music that sounds like sepultura. But crap.

Hagan: probably post-max cavalera sepultura.

Clip- credits.

HAGAN VO: Movie, really. credits go at the end!

Hagan: that way we dont have to look at them.

Clip- in insane asylum.

Hagan vo: so after the credits we get this show, showing Jeffrey combs and some doctor staring at the guy from the start. The doctor explains that.

Clip- people are not cars

Hagan: vital knowledge that combs will take into consideration the next time he tries his green glowy re-animation juice on a vehicle.

Clip transformers movie clips, re-animator clips. Editted like a trailer. RE-ANIMATOR 4. THIS TIME ITS VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER!

Clip- combs arrives at crime scene.

Hagan vo: so now we see jeffrey combs arrive at a stately home, theres a madman inside and everyones been given orders to wait for the commissioner. since combs is the least likely hard edged, badass lone wolf cop possible and there seems to be mood slime from ghostbusters two in there he decides to screw orders and go in.

hagan: this is my first big problem with this film. Now, I love stuart gordon and brian yuzna films usually but… casting jeffrey combs as your leather jacket wearing, sideburns having, kill-anything in his path cop?! No…

clip- from diff combs films. Camp slimy- weyoun. Camp crazy- milton dammers. Camp mental- herbert west. Camp money-grubbing- brunt. Camp brain damaged- from beyond.

Hagan vo: Jeffrey combs plays camp slimy bastards, camp crazy bastards, camp mental bastards, camp money grubbing bastards and camp brain damaged bastards

hagan: he’s my favourite actor but having him play someone who’s not camp and not a bastard kind of destroys the point of hiring jeffrey combs!

Clip- combs enters.

Hagan vo: okay the crime scene is… a bad waxworks recreation of a murder scene. That’ll make it moderately hard to find the actual victims, speaking of which where are they?

Clip-commisioner arrives.

Hagan vo: the commissioner arrives, sure he looks like a hard working, high ranking cop, a bit like a fat vincent schivelli but don’t let that fool you, he sounds like this.

CLIP- Him saying something.

HAGAN VO: And therefore sounds even more like a bad comedy ethnic cop than chief o’hara. The commissioners none too happy that combs went in against his orders. Inside combs finds more broken waxworks. Still no sign of any actual dead people.

Hagan: or the mood slime.

HAGAN VO: techno-wolverine in a tux jumps out but refuses to kill combs for some reason and the commisioner and his men arrive. Techno-wolverine goes catatonic.

Clip- he’s not a threat anymore! To I am!

Hagan: yooooooou are… clearly a substandard villain!

Clip- jeez the chinese consol.

Hagan: the chinese consol?! Where?! Ooohhhh their meant to be actual dead bodies….. that’s embarrassing. For them.

clip- walking away.

Hagan vo: turns out that was a flashback and….

clip- stock scream.

Hgaan: someone is playing stock movie screams quite loudly in there.

Clip- combs bumps into woman.

Hagan vo: combs bumps into this attractive ex-model made to look mousy and is instantly attracted.

Clip- I get jumpy around beautiful women.

Hagan: personally I find it the idea that jeffrey combs would play someone interested in having sex with a woman without first kidnapping and skinning her vaguely disturbing.

Hagan vo: perhaps he senses that she’s obviously one of those mousy types who will inevitably turn crazy with sex by the end of the story. Sure she’s missing with glasses but she’s so got the right hair and suit for it.

Clip-she tries to help.

Hagan vo: she’s a psychiatrist who uses music to try and get through to catatonic patients. How this works is never explained. I’m going to assume that hearing songs from the land before time part 8 incenses even people in comas into beating people up.

Clip- patrick.

Clip- m and woman.

Hagan vo: meanwhile in the mansion of evil. Andrew divoff watches a lot of TVs showing cnn.

Hagan: I think he owns shares.

Hagan vo: and a woman comes in. they talk about the sort of things that are relevant when your an evil albino who watches cnn and a woman who sounds like she’s constantly orgasming.

Hagan: she’s usually shot from the waist up so the audience cant see the dwarf that’s constantly going down on her. I would never be so unprofessional. (hagan winces in pain and looks down) no! Not the teeth! Not the teeth!

Offscreen- sorry mistress.

Clip- combs house.

Hagan vo: meanwhile in the house of combs he searches for information on a satanic conspiracy called ‘the hand’ that he believes rules the world. And he finds info on them 8th in the list on google…

hagan (looks offscreen): minion… look up the hand for me.

Adds sound effect of typing.

Hagan stands there. Looking at camera.

Minion enters with pieces of paper.

Hagan: thank you. ok. The hand. Number one is the movie- the hand, later on we have hand to mouth, talk to the hand and oh and information on falconry and a fictional group of ninjas in the marvel universe… (looks down) Nothing on an evil satanic conspiracy called the hand.

Hagan vo: Why does this bother me? Because with a name that generic they would have to be extremely famous to even come up on a search engine. And if your an evil secret satanic order that rules the world, you are not going to be famous! Why? Because you wouldn’t be secret then!

Hagan: And your a detective, really… the internet?

Clip- combs talking to some one. Dub- I’V BEEN DOING RESEARCH AND IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE CALLED CATS HAS DECLARED HE OWNS ALL OF OUR MILITARY BASES!

Hagan: you ignore orders, think humans and cars are the same thing, get your information from something awful and are played by jeffrey combs. Why are you a detective?!.(waits) I have got to stop expecting answers from films. I’m sorry. Next scene…

clip- woman goes to see patient.

Hagan vo: the adventurous psychiatrist goes to see her patient in his padded room. And she’s not at all worried that he’s managed to cut himself and has drawn pentagrams on the wall in his own blood.

Hagan: apart from the obvious problem with having a patient who sliced people into small pieces somehow being able to cut himself in his padded cell…. this guys supposed to be catatonic. The only way a catatonic person can cut themselves is if someone balances razor blades on them and pushes them down the stairs!

Clip- sees cd.

Hagan vo: so the guy sees a cd recognises and…

add some sort of irritating song to the scene.

Clip- he upset.

Hagan: nows a good time to mention that aleister auditioned for this part.

Clip- various shots of jaspers- aleister beside doing impersonation.

My name is john jaspers

god is a joke inside a nightmare

im the pornography that gets you off

what do you think brother, too much blood or not enough… OH! I CUT MY TOUNGUE!

hagan: I think somehow aleisters performance was less embarrassing.

Clip- painting.

Hgaan vo: now we get another flashback. Techno-wolverine is just a mild mannered painter and he lives with his beautiful girlfriend with a bad russian accent… who’s black.

Hagan: is it that hard to change the character to haitian or african or something?

Hagan vo: you could have even kept the bad accent, you know Americans. One foreign accents much like another, they wouldnt have known the fucking difference. So the russian mafia attack, with their own black member and proceed to put on sepultura, beat the shit out of the guy and rape and murder the girl.

Hagan: they do it because their the russian mafia. They lose their license if they don’t hit their rape and murder quotas.

Clip- destroy house. Kill and rape etc. music. Loud.

Hagan: I’V DIRECTED WORSE MUSIC VIDEOS THAN THIS! No, wait… I said that wrong…

hagan vo: so what do we learn from all this? Well that the russian mafia really want to get caught. They didnt just leave a witness alive and their dna all over the girlfriend but they didnt even wear gloves while trashing the place and putting cds on!

hagan vo: so the flashback ends and…

clip- in spite of all our science and technology I always knew evil existed.

hagan: i’m famous!

Clip- water.

Hagan vo: and the flashback begins again as he tries to kill himself but is stopped by orgasma, queen of lust and the albino gangster. Albino gangster conjures up a contract through use of cgi and offers him the chance for vengeance in exchange for his immortal soul. The guy clearly hasn’t seen any of the wishmaster films because he doesn’t realise that deals with andrew divoff always go badly for mortals.

Clip- lots of religious sounding crap.

Hagan: wow. Want to throw on any alam salaikims or hari krishans into your random religious crap sandwich?

Hagan vo: Anyway the contract is signed and the guy is now TECHNO-WOLVERINE!

Clip- wolverines! Red dawn. Pic of wolverine.

Hagan: interesting fact, wolverines claws were originally supposed to be from gauntlets too.

Clip- faust screams at the sky.

Hagn vo: and now techno-wolverine is acting like wolverine in x-men origins.

CLIP- X-MEN ORIGINS NOOOOO

Hagan: and this is becoming a spiral ouroboros of referencing.

Clip- looking in mirror.

Hgaan vo: so techno-wolverine is looking in a mirror in a psyche himself up to go kill people scene, except he’s already in the hideout of the guys who murdered his girlfriend.

Hagan: I think he broke in and just waited til they came back.

Clip- guy threatens him. Woman appears.

Hagan vo: so this guy wearing arnies terminator 3 jacket hurts him and then hello sheer bra! As the bisexual sister of a character from the obscure playstation game Vs punches him. Then he gets back up and stabs the guy through the chest and then slices the woman into tiny pieces offscreen.

Hagan: signifying that one of the guys who raped AND murdered your girlfriend should get a quick death while a woman who punches you should be turned into crem brulee. Misogyny? noooooooo!

Hagan vo: but just to show that their not misogynists the womans brutal murder is kept off screen. Techno-wolverine then stabs the boss of the gang through the chest. Signifying again that…

hagan: men who rape AND murder your girlfriend only deserve to be stabbed while women who punch you in the face must be sliced into pieces.

Clip- divoffs masion.

Hagan vo: so Albino gangsters getting medical treatment from the non-hot dr at the psychiatric hospital, techno-wolverine arrives back and gives him someones heart, which sounds like its beating but its not… techno-wolverine says he cant kill again but…

clip- yes you can., ecstasy of it etc.

hagan: I’m andrew divoff, i’m an actor! Not an UNDER-actor!

Hagan vo: techno-wolverine again refuses to kill again because he’s got his vengeance so…

Clip- stand by for mind control (time bandits)

hagan vo: albino gangster mind controls him into eating the heart of the lead russian. This will make him want to kill again. Of course this doesn’t explain why the pre-mind controlled tecnho-wolverine brought the heart to him in the first place.

Hagan: and why it sounds like its still beating!

Clip- shower.

Hagan vo: so like most people mind controlled into eating a raw human heart techno-wolverine has a shower.

Hagan: he also tries and fails to throw up. What a time to not be bulemic.

Hagan vo: so enters toreador the prostitute with one thing on her mind.

HAGAN: Whist! No, actually its sex.

Clip- sex, camera.

Hagan vo: albino gangster watches them. Because the devil apparently is into amateur voyeur porn.

Clip- cell.

Hagan vo: with that the flashbacks end. He went to the embassy and killed the wax dummies.. I mean the people and he ended up in the hospital and knows that the servants of albino gangster will be coming for him!

Hagan: because…. (shrugs) I’m not sure…

clip- take him.

hagan vo: so they kidnap him and threw him in a grave with his claw gauntlet things, which really will come back to haunt the baddies later and after a long villainy speech from albino gangster they bury him alive. now prepare yourself for what I think is a one off in film.

Clip- spider.

Hagan: hell-spider-skeleton-demon-rape!… Take a BIG shot!

Hagan vo: so somehow while being raped and strangled techno-wolverine gets his arms out of the locked straight jacket and into the gauntlets, which have also been sent to hell because…

HAGAN: Gauntlets apparently not only have souls… but damned souls…

hagan vo: he then kills the hell-spider-skeleton-demon and climbs out of his grave and….

hagan: what the fuck?!

Hagan vo: did they not think that SOMEONE would notice this giant fucking gravestone with a gargoyle and FAUST written across it?! This a fucking park! And even if it was a graveyard, they keep track of graves y’know!

Hagan: none of the bad guys in this film even understand the concept of hiding their tracks, do they?!

MINION: Mistress! We’ve arranged the theft of the plutonium! How should we contact the owners to arrange the ransom?!

HAGAN: Sky writing, leave name, address and telephone number.

MINION: Yes mistress!

Clip- cafe.

Hagan vo: because even though their a superpowerful secret satanic order that rules the world the baddies are fucking retards they send guys with obvious and visible pentagram tattoos after the hawt-dr. she spots them because…. she has fucking eyes and leaves the diner she was in and instead enters a dark alley.

Hagan: probly figured that if their dumb enough to advertise which secret organisation they work for one their arm their probly dumb enough to kill her in plain sight.

Clip- leaves.

Hagan vo: and of course there’s 2 cars full of baddies waiting for her.

Hagan: how they know she’d leave that way… the devil works in mysterious ways.

Clip- kidnapped.

Hagan vo: so their kidnapping her and…

Clip- faust jumps in.

hagan: apparently they had a trampoline just out of the shot.

Clip- kills.

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine is now techno-spawn-batman-verine. And he wants blood, death and vengeance.

Clip- gamers. BLOOD DEATH AND VENGEANCE!

Clip- kills. Saves her.

Hagan: that is possibly the worst looking superhero suit of the last 20 years.

Clip- mansion.

Hagan vo: at albino gangsters mansion the only survivor of the attack reports back and…

hagan: my. That’s a very useful height for him to be compared to her.

Hagan vo: because having a dwarf at the eye-level of her breasts is one of the many things that turns slutula princess of the night on She fucks him. Albino gangster watches because that turns him on, she then cuts the guys throat because that turns someone on. Unfortunately her killing men before they can give info on what happened does not turn anyone on so…

hagan: she gets turned into lola ferrari!

Hagan vo: and then slowly gets turned into something from eraserhead the porno. Should there ever be one.

Hagan: please make one.

Hagan vo: the saddest thing about this is that someone, somewhere has likely masturbated to this image. Think about that for a moment. You could be dating that person.

Hagan: oh in case you think I cant work out the obvious. (play ‘iv like big buts and I cannot lie’)

clip- hawt-drs place.

Hagan vo: hawt doctor has gone home, she’s being guarded by 2 oddly Spanish cops. Combs commits a slight faux pas.

Clip- is that your husband? My father.

Hagan: awkward. And y’know what makes it worse?

Clip- sexual assault.

Hgaan vo: he sexually assaulted her as a child. All soundtracked by this sexy sexy music from the movie ‘black cobra woman’

clip- her in place.

Hagan vo: so she hears the sound of a window smashing.

Hagan: the sort of thing that really would have guards running.

Hagan vo: and she finds techno-wolverine. Cunningly disguised as a mind-mannered sex offender.

Clip- what are you doing here? I just had to see you.

Hagan vo: he tries to warn her that albino gangster wants her for some reason, probly because there aren’t that many characters in the film. She thinks he’s insane, even though she was almost kidnapped by guys with pentagrams on their arms and saved by a guy with bloody metallic claws just like the type he’s wearing.

Hagan: there’s scepticism and there’s being a dumbass.

Clip- horns etc.

hagan vo: so techno-wolverine head goes a little red, spouts horns and the cops come rushing.

Hagan: because the sound of a window smashing is nothing, but the sound of skin reddening and horns spouting. That’s serious business!

Clip- so cops attack. Techno-wolverine hulks out and doesn’t quite understand that a dead person cant deliver a message.

Clip- for your master.

Hagan: he also doesnt understand that (rarrrrgh) isn’t really a message.

Hagan vo: so both cops are dead and hawt-doctor is concerned.

Clip- your murdering policemen.

Hagan: yes. She says nothing about him.. turning into.. whatever that is…

clip- why dont you admit, i’m the pornography that gets you hot.

Hagan: I bet you thought that line would make sense in context.

Clip- subway.

Hagan vo: so both drs, the police and combs are in the subway. The not-hawt dr tries to drug the hawt-dr and combs cant help because he’s on the other side of the tracks and there’s a train in the way, so he leaves to go around the long way. Hawt-dr runs off and gets onto the train, the cops follow and techno-wolverine jumps onto the train from the same side combs was on.

Hagan: and yup combs misses the train. his body was not made for running, it was made for raising the dead and sucking peoples brains out through their eye sockets.

Clip- on the subway.

Hgaan vo: so now theres your typical subway action scene.

Predator2. Subway scene.

Hagan vo: its like this. But shit.

Clip- cut together the pred2 faust stuff maybe? Pred kills their cops. Pred 2 symbolically kills this film.

Hagan vo: so hawt dr decides to throw in with techno-wolverine over the cops.

Clip- shit! I lost the girl!

Clip- orgasmo. CURSES!

Clip- subways separated.

Hagan: and then 90 seconds later the next subway train crashed into them, killing 50 innocent people. But that’s not important right now, there’s whatevers going on afoot!

Clip- flat.

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine brings hawt-dr back to her place to have sex with her. His choice in seductive lines are interesting to say the least

Clip- ‘you look at me like im less than human, what if I am more than human?’ ‘Your science blinds you, violence is our destiny!’ ‘Your afraid, look at me. I’m a beast but you want me’ ‘you cant cure evil, its not a sickness!’

clip- sex.

Hagan: yet Again I feel its time for me to find out how accurate this is.

Hagan behind someone. They notice hagan

SOMEON: Who the fuck are you?!

HAGAN: You look at me like i’m less than human. What if i’m more than human?

SOMEONE: Get the fuck away from me!

HAGAN: your science blinds you, violence is our destiny!

SOMEONE: Your fucking right it is if you don’t get the fuck out of my house!

HAGAN: You’re afraid, look at me. I’m a beast but you want me!

SOMEONE: yeah. I kinda do.

In bed. Sheets moving like there’s sex. Add porn music.

HAGAN AND SOMEONE in bed with cigarettes.

HAGAN: You cant cure evil! Its not a sickness!

Clip- mansion.

Hagan vo: so the police commissioner has gone to albino gangsters mansion and combs has followed him. He watches the commissioner yelling at the council of evil that albino gangster apparently kept in a closet because iv never seen them before. The council apparently features both verne troyer and another relative of triangle head from rats night of terror. albino gangster eventually has enough of the commissioner.

Clip- eats head.

Hagan: number 12,895 in the list of things you don’t see every day. An albino eating a Spaniards head. With his stomach.

clip- now get out. Kiss hand.you are the master

Clip- I am the master…. dr who. Terror autons.

clip- on phone.

Hagan vo: so combs phones hawt-dr at techno-wolverines house even though he had no idea where she was.

Hagan: I wonder how many numbers he tried before he got through to her.

Hagan vo: so she goes and because the script decided it should happen combs has now joined the baddies and is finally playing a character that is slightly jeffrey combs ish.

Hagan: next time you have a main character switch sides either do it on-screen or at least have them explain why they did it later on!

Hagan vo: but I suppose I cant complain. I now have jeffrey combs being camp and mental! And because they got jealous of combs ability to switch sides for no reason elizabeth slutory enlists the non-hawt dr to poison albino gangster. Of course Albino gangster kills the non-hawt dr by way of rubbing his face and then kissing him before finally succumbing to tumourfacedness and a shotgun blast to the head.

Clip- audio (wait I still function, wanna bet)

Hagan: with albinos there’s apparently very little that counts as overkill.

Hagan vo: id like to know what poison you can make in a few minutes notice that allows you to melt someone AND then turn their face into a mass of tumours.

Hagan: just for… research…

Clip- dominatrix.

Hagan vo: dominatrix macgraw decides to do some 15 rated SnM on the hawt-dr. The hawt dr claims she’s not interested but then she puts her own hand into the stocks and I’m convinced this isn’t her first go.

Hagan: don’t put me in the stocks! No! Dont whip me! Don’t use the spikey board! No! No! DONT cover my nipples in petroleum jelly and then electrocute me! And you fiend, definitely don’t use the 4th setting!

Clip- sex maniac.

Hagan vo: so after… minutes of SnM the Hawt-Dr has now become an insatiable sex maniac.

HAGAN (with whip) Lets try this out.

MINION: Lets not.

HAGAN: You’re right. Lets not. I’m on too many sex offender lists as it is.

CLIP- ALBINO GANSTER returns.

Hagan vo: so albino gangster returns, looking more healthy than he did before the poisoning and shotgunning. I can only assume that I underestimated what constituted overkill when trying to murder albinos.

Aliens- take off and nuke the site from orbit.

Clip- red giving.

Hagan vo: and then its as though the film has missed another chunk of story because Albino gangsters suddenly in a robe, hawt-dr is on an altar, Domina of Gor has been stripped naked, covered in mud and tied to an X and Combs has had his head shaved, been stripped naked and also covered in mud.

Hagan: could be worse. They could all suddenly be outside a burning steakhouse.

Clip- red giving.

Hagan vo: their having an orgy-thing where their going to raise some sort of a demon who’s sure to be amusing looking and even the KKK have turned up.

Hagan: either that’s the kkk or pyramid head has wandered into the wrong film. Again.

HAGAN VO: oh. And they chant. And there are snakes.

Clip- chanting. VISION BLEAK- KTULU!

Clip- snake removed from woman. Fed to combs.

Hagan vo: how and why albino gangster pulls a fully grown snake from baroness orgasma and why it leaves a yellow wound are not explained. How and why albino gangster feeds this full size snake to jeffrey combs is also not explained and why this leads to slutulus maximus bursting into flames is also, you guessed it. Not explained.

Clip- killing. A-TEENS FLOORFILLER

hagan vo: fashionably late, Techno-Wolverine turns up and I think iv worked out what this reminds me of. jonestown if it was made up of of fashion victims and leo ryan got himself high and raided a costume shop before he arrived…

hagan: all in all this reminds me of a swingers night at a dr who convention I once went to.

HAGAN VO: so albino gangster shows techno-wolverine what’s become of hawt dr.

clip- just you and me and him and him. Scream in pain.

Clkip- room. Tommy wiseau.

Clip- sex.

Hgaan vo: so techno-wolverine is catatonic again and hawt-dr is getting fucked by albino gangster on the altar. Luckily she remembers being raped by her dad and so goes back to normal.

Hagan: Child rape. Bringing people back to sanity since….. whenever this was made.

Clip- demon raises.

Hagan vo: so a demon raises from what I assume is finsters workshop. To keep with the power rangers theme the beast speaks entirely in dragonzord screeches. The demon then burns people… because demons burn people.

Hagan: they look so surprised too!

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine takes on the demon.

Clip- flailing about. Add on power rangers fight music.

Hagan: this guy couldn’t defend angel grove from the Big Friendly Giant let alone one of Lord Zedds creatures.

Hagan vo: so hawt-dr stabs albino gangster in the heart which makes the demon headbutt techno-wolverines claws and die… and for an immortal demon that was going to destroy the world… its a bit of a pussy.

Clip- techno vs albino.

Haganvo: so techno wolverine stabs albino gangster in the chest and he gets set on fire for… some reason and dies.

Hagan: because a stabbing is much more dangerous than poisoning, tumours and a shotgun to the face.

Clip- dies.

Hagan vo: so techno-wolverine dies leaving hawt-dr to explain all the blood, bodies, scorch marks and the great fucking hole to hell in the middle of the room….

clip- NOW PLEASE MAY WE GOT TO THE PUB.

Hagan: that was faust love of the damned. Rating is is hard because while its clearly not great there’s pieces of a good film here.

HAGAN VO: The problems come from attempting to do a superhero film on such a low budget and some of the casting. Its basically the low budget brother of spawn. Interestingly the comics and movies came out around the same time. I cant help but think that the budget of spawn and the creative team of faust shoulda teamed up to make either spawn or faust.

HAGAN: Faust love of the damned. Check it out to wonder about the thinking that went into the casting of jeffrey combs. Its like casting hulk hogan as Frederick nietze. But less awesome.

Scripts- Perils of Gwendoline

This is the sort of film that you’d think would make a great review but so little happens within its web of framework of madness that it was actually pretty hard. We decided to play with the running thing that Hagan kills minions by giving her an ep when she couldn’t kill them (it was a happy accident tat the film had enough bullshit to get her really worked up).

Gwendoline review.

HAGAN and TEDDY teleported in.

HAGAN: Well wasn’t it lucky that although I never mentioned it before, I picked up that personal teleportation device?

TEDDY: Yes mistress. Where are we?

HAGAN: Compound 2. Back up. Just like the other but no minions. Yet.

TEDY: what happened to compound 1?

HAGAN: Blew it up. Oh in about three seconds we should hear the explosion. 3-2-1.

DISTANT boom.

TEDDY: You blew it up? (very sad) Most of my friends will be dead.

HAGAN: Go and begin work on a new batch of minions teddy.

TEDDY: Most of my friends will be dead….

HAGAN: Grow a new batch, make new friends, they can be dead later. Now go, I have inquiries to make.

TEDDY leaves.

Hagan contacts cartoon hero.

Hagan: cartoon hero!

Cartoon hero: Hagan?! You’re alive?! Your compound was destroyed!

Hagan: yes. I teleported out before my compound was destroyed. Now, look to your side.

Cartoon hero looks to his side. Scared. Someone with a gun there.

Cartoon hero: how long have they been there?!

Hagan: you do not want to know.. now.. you… my 7,004th arch nemesis… How did you arrange for the pathetic and cowardly police to lay siege to my to and bomb my compound?!

Cartoon hero: I didnt!

Hagan: you didnt? (Hagan believes him) really?

Cartoon hero: no. why would I do that?

Hagan:….. evil?

Cartoon hero: no. that’s you, dear.

Hagan: ah. Yes. Well… sorry about…. bothering you….

cartoon hero: that’s okay then. But if you could… (motions to guy with gun)

hagan: ah yes. (into communicator) 721 code 303.

HAGAN LISTENS as sound of guy beside cartoon hero running and jumping through window to death.

Hagan: sorry about the draft.

End communication.

Hagan: who could it… oh course! THE SULTAN OF DARKNESS!

MOGWAICUB ONSCREEN.

Hagan: sultan of darkness, why did you destroy my compound?! How did you destroy my compound?!

MOGWAICUB: No. I’m mogwaicub. Don’t you remember, we spoke just a few hrs ago? You stopped me having sex with gomer…

HAGAN: Dammit Sultan of darkness, I do not have time for your mystical blatherings about the moon and rajput kings of death.

MOGWAICUB: Im mogwaicub. I’ve never even seen a rajput king of death.

HAGAN: So you deny sending the armies of man against me with your mystical powers?

Mogwaicub: If I say yes will you go away?

Hagan: yes! Deny it for all to see!

Mogwaicub: who are ‘all’?

HGAN; Deny it for me!

Mogwaicub: I deny sending the armies of man against you…

hagan: with your mystical powers.

Mogwaicub: with my mystical powers.

Hagan: ok. Fine. Im sorry.

Mogwaicub: you crazy bitch…

Communication ends.

Hagan: who… who could be so evil… so terrible… so uncaring as to have done that to my compound… someone has to be behind the attack. The police wouldnt have dared do it alone. If it wasnt them.. it would have to be someone uncaring, with a heart of ice. A man. Only a man could be so terrible. A cold… man… no. not a mere man. A guy….

coldguy on screen.

Hagan: why did you send the armies of man against…

coldguy looks unimpressed by hagan. points gun at the screen and waves byebye.

Communication ends.

Hagan screams.

Communicates with teddy in other room. High camera. Other location.

Hagan: teddy! How long until the first batch is ready to kill AND DIE?!

Teddy: 105 minutes mistress.

Hagan screams again.

Hagan: come up here and die!

Teddy: I dont think you should kill me mistress. If I’m dead you’ll have to bring the new batch to maturity yourself. Do you want to felate half grown protominions? I would happily die to avoid having to do that.

Hagan: your right.

HAGAN screams IN ANGER.

Teddy: might I suggest a film?

Hagan: what film?

Teddy: you could watch the perils of gwendoline in the land of the yik-yak, its by the man who directed emmanuell 1. Its perfect timing, as the film ends the new minions will be ready for you to kill.

Hagan: Greetings gentle viewers! This is the adventures of gwendoline in the land of the yik-yak. Whats a Yik-yak and why does it have its own land? And why is Gwendoline interested in it and who is Gwendoline? Lets find out.

Clip- butterfly.

Hagan: always a good start.

Clip- GWENDOLINE.

Hagan: I prefer the full title. Gwendoline sounds like its about an uptight english school teacher who loves butterflies. Carnally. The adventures of gwendoline in the land of the yik-yak automatically puts it right on the what-the-fuck scale.

Clip- butterflies and credits/ china.

Hagan vo: so after 2 solid minutes of butterflies and 80’s synth music we end up in…

hagan: a theme park built on a set that’s roughly trying to approximate china and failing to do so.

Clip- chinese guys.

Hagan vo: so these rather racist depictions of Chinese people break into boxes and manage to find a living, breathing woman in one. Of course they kidnap her.

Hagan: shes in a box from paris. This is set in the victorian era or thereabouts. All she had in the box with her was straw. Anyone seeing what’s wrong with this?

Hagan vo: even if she survived the trip she should at least be covered in enough shit that not even the racist depictions of chinese people would want to touch her.

Clip- her getting taken out of the box.

Hagan vo: and yes I realise this could just be a very clever prediction of budget airline travel in the future.

Clip- kidnapping.

Hagan vo: so racist-racist-racist. And a white woman stealing food from market. Racist-racist. And white woman finds out that box-woman has been kidnapped.

Hagan: ah so perhaps that woman hadnt been stuck in that box the last…. 6-8 weeks without food, water or bathroom facilities… but this doesn’t explain why the box was sealed and the chinese guys had to break into it.

Clip- Chinese casino.

Hagan vo: so we’re in a chinese casino which is like las vegas but crap. And stupid. And racist. And has less penn and teller. The box woman is being held in the office by a guy in a tuxedo, her kidnappers and a small guy who looks a bit like a puppet.

Hagan: and I’m getting slightly tired of the no subtitles.

Clip- talking. Yelling.

Hagn: I’m getting more tired of the no subtitles.

Clip- more talking.

Hagan: seriously movie. Subtitles. Their not hard! Their little words of the bottom of the screen!

Sub- LIKE THIS!

Clip- strips woman, hook, guy bursts in.

hagan vo: hello sex! …….Hello violence! …. hello… buck Rogers who’s been undercover with the village people… in 1871…

clip- buck rogers 1871. with village people music.

clip- fight. Midget on head.

Hagan: oh. He’s not a puppet. He’s a jocky.

Clip- left for dead2.

Clip- fight. Kill.

Hagan vo: so buck fights and kills everyone in the way that can only be done by a guy in a badly choreographed movie can.

(TEDDY beside, working)

Hagan: in their defence. I think the director knows their a hack and just doesnt care. Teddy, do the dance of hack.

TEDDY: What? Mistress I’m checking the…

HAGAN: Teddy do the dance of hack!

TEDDY sighs. DANCEs. APOLLO Z HACK THEME OVERLAID.

Clip- guy and dying guy.

Hgaan vo: so after beating everyone buck talks the chinese guy with a hook through his throat into giving him his money back. I assume he was swindled off screen. The Chinese guy then dies and buck acts surprised that the man who he stabbed through the throat has died.

Clip- oh shit…

hagan: I dont know why but I feel a strange kinship with that man.

Clip- my names gwendoline.

Hagan: oh thats gwendoline. And that was her perils. Now where are the yik-yak and the land named after them?

Clip- that guy owed me 800 dollars.

Hagan: and yet you took nowhere near that amount from him.

Clip- frees her.

Hagan vo:and your swiss-army hook didnt actually cut that rope.

replay cut: slowly. With arrows.

Clip-

hagan vo: so buck leaves, I wish I knew what THAT guy was doing, i’m wondering why the instruments being played dont match the music we’re hearing and oh yeah the fruit stealing white woman has been captured by the 3 idiots.

Clip time bandits- the 3 idiots! They swallow brushes!

Hagan: other idiots.

Clip- they go into office. See gwendoline. Run off. Women hug.

Hagans finger erects.

Clip- talk about the man.

Hagans finger retracts.

Clip- the women try to escape. Get help from buck.

Hagan vo: so the two women try to escape, fail. Try to get help from buck who….

clip- roulette.

Hagan: teaches us that roulette is actually a pretty dangerous game.

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: gwendoline and her indentured servant have travelled from paris to find gwens dad who went missing while collecting butterflies. They need bucks help to find him. Why buck? Because he’s the only man they’ve seen who can stab a dwarf from across a room.

They tell buck that if the roulette ball lands on black they’ll stop bothering him, if its red he’ll help them. He doesn’t actually agree to the deal but decides to help them anyway.

Hagan: roulette does strange things to a mans mind.

Clip- opium.

Hagan vo: so buck takes them to the last man who saw gwens father in town- allan quartermain from the first league of extraordinary gentlemen book.

Pic- allan quatermain.

Hagan vo: he tells them that her dad went to the land of the yik-yak. A terrible place that no one has ever returned from.. which makes you wonder how exactly he knows anything about it. He then goes onto use the naked body of the girl currently sucking him off as a map.

Clip- some map stuff.

Clip- breasts of sheba.

Clip- smell of reeves and mortimer. Slade on tour.

Clip- nobody goes there nobody comes back.

Hagan: again. How do you know anything about it?! Or is it just your thing to strip people naked when your asked for directions.

Clip- guy arrives.

Hagan vo: so in order to give the women and buck some bonding time the plot has them arrested and placed in a jail with livestock.

Hagan: what I would give to know what those pigs did to deserve jail…

clip- hey big blue eyes.

Hagan: oh and their other cellmate is a chicken. This jail is fucked up.

Clip- women at bars.

Hgaan vo: and you could step through those bars!

Hagan: now, a serious moment. Given that this prison is co-ed as well as… multi-species.. I hope for their sake that buck isnt a rapist.

Clip- sexual asault.

Hagan vo: ahhh whatya know!

Hagan: and this guys supposed to be the hero!

Clip- sexual assault.

Hagan vo: watch our hero valiantly sexually assault the leading lady, watch him without thought for his own safety force himself on an innocent woman!

Hagan: remember, kids that rape is okay if you resemble a gay buck Rogers! Oh and take a shot.

Clip- rest kiss etc.

hagan vo: turns out that its an escape attempt. He plans to make her cry for help so he can beat up the guard when he comes to save her from him.

Hagan: which is genius. Except it relies on the guard giving a shit and her not castrating him for attempting to rape her. Please castrate him. By cutting off his nuts.

Clip- afterwards.

Hagan vo: unfortunately she manages to fuck up the plan by being crazy and thinking that rape is sexy! But then the plan works anyway and the jailer loses his ears.

Hagan: (bored) friends. Romans. Countrymen. Lend me your ears.

Clip- men in tights. Lend me your ears. That is disgusting.

Clip- escaping.

Hagan vo: so they escape , taking the time to shhh a chicken as they go.

Next bits.

Hagan vo: so in a sequence thats full of racism, stupidity, the women blackmailing buck, crocodile slaying and buck seemingly meeting his older self. A sequence that’s much more boring than it sounds all three of them end up on a boat en route to the land of the yik-yak.

HAGAN: Cue the thrilling adventure music.

Clip- boat. Unthrilling music.

Hagan: this is just what you expect when you watch a porno ‘adventure’ film directed by the guy who did the ‘story of O’ isn’t it?!

Clip- talking by the river.

Hagan vo: they find out that gwendolins dad is dead but she decides to go on and find the butterfly in yik-yak territory and name it after her father. Since the other woman is her slave she goes voluntarily. Buck goes only when he gets paid $2,000.

hagan: truly a prince among men.

Clip- off boat.

Hagan vo: so they abandon the boat and go on foot. I have no idea where the explorer outfits came from. Gwendoline is of course shit when it comes to nature.

Clip- willard! Your going too fast! End of shot and onto the desert shot.

Hagan: wait a minute…

clip- again.

Hagan: when did they travel to tatooine?!

Clip-

hagan vo:I man, what the fuck?! As I understand it, their not even on the right continent for that sort of cactus!…

HAGAN: TEDDY!

TEDDY: yes mistress.

Hagan: When can I kill somehting?!

TEDDY: Another hour.

Hagan screams. Runs into a wall.

Caption- 10 minutes later. HAGANs lying on floor. Teddy, is looking after her.

HAGAN:how long was I out?

TEDDY: 10 minutes, mistress.

Hagan: so there’s only 50 minutes until I can kill again?

TEDDY: No mistress, I was looking after you and it will be an hour from when I start working again.

Hagan freaks out.

Hagan: did you at least forget to pause the film?!

Teddy: no, Mistress!

Hagan: fuck you and your.. efficiency!

Clip- desert.

Hagan vo: so their still in the desert and we get a scene like this.

Clip- rose of the desert.

Hgaan: isn’t that charming?

Clip- rainforest.

hagan vo: now their in the rainforest.

Hagan: china is truly a microcosm of the worlds entire ecosystem. I wonder if theres a rainy foot and a half squared that’s like Ireland?

Clip- raining.

Hagan vo; the director suddenly remembers that he’s a softcore porn director and has everyone strip off.

Hagan: no sex though.

Clip- capture.

Hagan vo: and eventually their captured by racist depictions of african tribesmen.

Hagan: why not?!

Clip- in prison.

Hagan vo: buck delights in telling the two women how exactly their all going to die and how its gwendolines fault for being obsessed with a butterfly.

Clip- gwendolines cries, music changes.

Hagan vo: but buck immediately changes tack when gwendoline starts to cry and music changes. Now he wants to fuck her.

Hagan: tears are apparently sexy. If this guy saw spiderman 3 he’d come on the screen.

Clip- getting together.

Hagan co: unlike the guys from raspberry Reich their not contortionists and so instead have phone sex. Without the phones. Or the sex. Or the masturbation. Or the privacy.

Hagan; yeah its basically talking dirty with crap synthesisers.

Clip- laughs.

Hagan vo: so the other woman laughs and that’s over.

Hagan: then they manage to escape… using the magical white person powers that all main characters in cinematic racist depictions of tribal africa seem to have….

clip- slapping chief.

Hagan: here manifesting as… yelling.

Clip- the chase. Benny hill.

Sub- I ONLY ADDED THE MUSIC.

Clip- desert.

Hagan vo: so they escape into ANOTHER desert and are attacked by mustard gas. Which somehow covers them in sand. They then run over a sand dune and end up in another jungle with a massive rockface. And you can hear water nearby.

Hagan: jungle-desert-jungle-desert-jungle-desert. JUST FUCKING PICK ONE!

Clip- woman goes down gets butterfly.

Hagan vo: the other woman climbs down and captures a butterfly. Unfortunately…. she gets grabbed and is seemingly eaten by a wall. Buck throws his grappling hook and impales the head of a woman in plastic armour.

Clip- it could happen to anybody.

Clip- with dead woman.

Hagan vo: so the woman says her dying words while sounding like a dalek with a busted ring modulator.

Cli- dead woman.

Hagan vo: And feeling that it could somehow be useful, buck runs off carrying her corpse.

Hagan: and suddenly we’re in a completely different film.

Clip- From dusk til dawn.

Hagan vo: dusk til dawns shift from semi-serious crime movie to vampire splatter comedy is nothing compared to the shift in gwendoline.

Hagan: Half the movie is a silly, crap french takeoff of indiana jones or romancing the stone and the other half is… well it includes this scene…

clip- the woman chariot race.

HAGAN WITH DIFFERENT MAKEUP WIG AND COSTUME): its as though they jammed two completely different films together and didn’t expect anyone to notice!

Clip- going under.

Hagan vo: and within seconds we see this.

Hagan: I love this. Its as though the director went insane trying to stop himself from doing porn for the first half of the movie and so demanded…

hagan vo: a load of extras in steel bikini bottoms, a massive steampunk machine, some of the extras be given helmets and swords, the others have to have their hair in a dumb top of the head ponytail and then he finally demanded that women stand inside the machine so they go up an down for no reason at all.

Hagan: this. Is a director having a nervous breakdown.

Clip- guy dressed up.

Hagan vo: so they work out a plan to rescue the other woman. The plan involves buck dressing in the steel bikini armour.

Hagan: to be fair he’s more feminine looking than some lesbians iv known.

Clip- making out.

Hagan vo: they begin making out.

Hagan: if you squint it almost looks like 2 girls. (squints) oh yeah….

Clip- more machinery.

Hagan vo: so there even more machinery that does…. nothing… the women with the top of the head ponytails operating it look a lot like schlitze the pinhead

clip- freaks. Schlitse. Freaks! Your all freaks! Shots of freaks replaced by the women.

Hagan vo: and buck gives himself away by yelling and running around

clip- their all. Oooh ahhh. Ohhh and come towards him.

Clip- futurama. SNOO SNOO!

Clip- separated. Jail. Fight.

Hagan vo: so they get separated and gwendoline ends up in the jail where a bunch of tribesmen are captured. Here she gets attacked by one of the guards. Her silvery pumps cry to the gods her desire to spill blood. Buck saves her and…

clip- the tribesmen eat her.

Hagan: not racist. At all….

clip- separated. Gwen by machines.

Hagan vo: they get separated again. And there’s yet more machines.

Clip- point at the womans head being dunked.

Hagan: ok. What the fuck is the point of that?!

Clip- machines. Metropolis.

Hgaan vo: its like metropolis.

Hgaan: but stupid.

Clip- machines.

Hagan vo: I have machines like that but their used for a rational, logical reason.

Hagan: to torture people! These people arent being tortured their too serene! Why isn’t someone being tortured!? TORTURE SOMEONE!

Clip- trap.

Hgaan vo; so gwendoline finds the other woman involved in a very stupid trap involving a plastic spear and the evil ruler of this underground… thing enters. You can tell the leader because she looks like an anime character. Shes with her elite guards- the grace jones clones.

Hagan: so just to recap.

Hagan vo : this film featured a loud and whiny woman and a brash adventurer in africa- just like allan qutermain and the lost city of gold. Casual and overt racism all the way through- just like allan quartermain and the lost city of gold. They eventually found a a lost tribe of advanced white people with a special silent servant class of black people- just like allan quarterman and the lost city of gold.

Hagan: what can I say?…. it might have been ripped directly from the far better king solomons mines but the theme music on allan quartermain and the lost city of gold was still much better than this films theme!

Hgaan dances as the theme music plays.

Clip- oldman.

Hagan vo: just like every weirdly advanced isolated population of women that are so man starved that they’d gang rape anything with a cock to death… the yik-yak have a random victorian scientist man living with them.

Confused hagan is confused.

Clip- queen come on to gwen. Wrestling throw.

Hagan vo: the queen comes onto gwendoline and…

hagan: im gonna rescue gwendoline, hoak hogan!… yeah… im never doing that again…

clip- captured.

Hagan vo: buck is captured and the evil queen decides that shes going to use him for breeding stock. Instead of having him fuck everyone there to get a few new members of the civilisation she decides to hve a contest where her best warriors will battle to the death and the survivor warrior will fuck him once and then he’ll die.

Hagan: because that makes sense.

Clip- women statue room.

Hagan vo: so gwendoline and the other women are kept in a… white room filled with living statues and a guard goes to tell them about how buck is going to die.

Clip.

Hagan: and possibly come onto gwendoline. Because there’s nothing sexier than being told the love of your life is going to die. I hope it works.

Clip- I dont want him to die. Extreme cut/.

Hagan: what the fuck was that?! Editing?! How the fuck did they do that!?

QUICK CUT OF A COUPLE FRAMES. TEDDY standing looking at the screen. Then back to hagan.

Clip- escape.

Hagan vo: the movie has much more important things to do than explain how they escaped… things like having gwendoline knock the other woman out and leave her on the floor for anyone to find. And kill. Bucks got his trousers back.. somehow and the queen has him lowered into a pit of women in order to choose who’ll fight for him.

Hagan: but anyway whats gwendoline up to.

Clip- steals chariot.

Hagan: stealing a chariot pulled by women in steel bikinis. I’m almost but not quite sorry I asked. At least they have breasts plates, if their gonna have to run around… bouncing tits can be sore.

Clip- buck jumps on the chariot.

Hagan vo: the scene is a bit like a softcore porn version of this.

Clip- return to oz. Wheelers.

Clip- chariot. Crash.

Hagan vo: they don’t the three pulling gwendoline just stop?! Their not horses, they know their being driven by someone the queen wants. Why not stop?! But no they keep going past the same pieces of set over and over again until. Then buck gets captured again and gwendoline takes a place in the contest to sleep with him.

Hagan: that whole section was pointless. But I suppose you’ve got to keep the pony girl fans happy. Heres to you, pony girl fans!

Pic- pony girl. Hallejulluah!

Hagan: ahhh those crazy pony girl fans.

Clip- fight.

Hagan: so the queen wears an even dumber costume than before and has the 4 women fight for buck.

Clip- fight- test your might.

Clip- gwendoline wins.

Hagan vo: so gwendoline wins even though shes against 3 warriors and has the combat experience of a scarecrow.

Clip- doctor who. Human nature.

Hagan: not that kind of scarecrow.

Clip- gwendoline fucks buck.

Hagan vo: so gwendoline dresses like prince and fucks buck while the queen wears the contents of an entire curtain showroom. Then she reveals who she is and the entire base begins to collapse.

Hagan: the queen takes it well.

Clip- queen ranting. Asshole!

Hagan: and she wasnt even drunk. Unlike the director. I hope.

Clip- escape.

Hagan vo: they get separated from buck, the tardis room is destroyed and gwendoline and the other woman escape but two minutes later they find buck and the films over.

Hagan: wow. Just wow. Wow. I cant do this…. experience justice…. actually maybe I can.

Clip- from film.

hagan vo: crap and boing! Crap and boring! Crap and boring! Crap and boring! Crap and boring! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! PONY GIRLS!The end.

Hagan: so yeah. For a softcore porno thats quite high up on the what the fuck-o-meter the perils of gwendoline is actually pretty boring for most of it.

Hagan vo: The soundtrack that sounded like philip glass on a bad day couldnt save it… And the whole cast was insane because the other woman was much hotter than gwendoline.

HAGAN: I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day

a beat.

HAGAN (into camera)… teddy! Are they ready?

Teddy: almost.

Microwave ping.

Teddy: ready now mistress.

Begin a slow fade out. Make it a side shot.

Enter minion.

Minion: my names juniper!

Hagan kills him.

Enter other minion.

Minion: my names bammin!

Hagan kills him.

Enter other minion.

Minion: my names turgasso!

Hagan kills him.

Enter minion.

Minion: my names jurnus!

Hagan kills him.

Scripts- The Raspberry Reich

I’m gonna post these scripts every so often again as a lovely fan has requested copies for translations on Youtube. So here we go, RASPBERRY REICH!As per usual some stuff isn’t exactly the same as the finished ep and my grammar is terrible!

Raspberry reich

HNN graphic. We love both sides! Honest!
ST JOCK- THIS IS HNN

MINION NEWSREADER: Greetings, I’m Number 7,004 and we are now entering day 7 of the evil government invasion of the home of noted humanitarian and religious leader Diamanda Hagan. For information on this subject- minion anne colouter.

MINION ANNE COULTER: Robert.

MINION NEWSREADER: It would seem to me that some people, especially the government just don’t like religion or humanitarians like Mistress Hagan.

MINION ANNE COULTER: I talk about this at length in my latest book ‘why liberal fuckheads hate decent, kittenish people like hagan’

MINION NEWSREADER: What have you been seeing at the site?

MINION ANNE COULTER: Well the fascist, atheistic, socialist anti-haganist forces have been showing off the dead bodies of minions with targets stapled to their chests. Obviously they have created this ‘evidence’; and are trying to frame hagan for some sort of crime.

MINION NEWSREADER: What about footage of hagan killing minions that has surfaced on youtube and blip?

MINION ANNE COULTER: Obvious fakes. The gun blasts dont even look real.

MINION NEWSREADER: Thanks miss coulter.

MINION ANNE COULTER: Before I go Id like to announce my new book ‘I’m way too old for it but I still wear miniskirts and if you dont love hagan your a dumb liberal and you smell’

MINION NEWSREADER: Sounds like a powerful piece of work, Coulter. (hears something) Just heard that… yes… the divine hagan herslf is phoning in from the compound, her phone signal bravely facing off against the police surrounding them. Do we have her?

HAGAN: Yes!

MINION NEWSREADER: Once again its an honour mistress.

HAGAN: Yes. It is.

MINION NEWSREADER: What’s it looking like in there?

HAGAN: Well we’re running out of basic supplies and We’re being forced to milk and sacrifice the minions.

MINION NEWSREADER: How terrible that it should come to eating the minions.

HAGAN: What? oh no! Its not for food. We wont run out of supplies for a few more days.

MINION NEWSREADER: Then why are you milking and sacrificing the minions?

HAGAN: Iv been locked in a building with them for 3 weeks. What else can I do to keep myself sane?

MINION NEWSREADER: Your strength and sacrifice will go down in history, mistress.

HAGAN: I know.

MINION NEWSREADER: Any chance of a surrender on the horizon?

HAGAN: From them? Probably.

MINION NEWSREADER: Its been an honour. Hail Hagan.

HGAAN: Hail me.

MINION NEWSREADER Next up, what if Belgium and Bolivia… swapped places? Because they have!

HNN- MISTRESS SAYS IT. WE REPORT IT. YOU BELIEVE IT.

Hagan is on the phone. Finishes and turns to the camera

HAGAN: greeting gentle viewers! Welcome to day 21 of the siege of my compound. And as we do every day we have to make sure the police are still out there.

MINION comes out. HAGAN staples a target to his chest. Pushes him out the door. Gunfire. Then more. Then more. Then more. Then a beat.

HAGAN: Now..

GUNFIRE. THEN MORE. HAGAN SIGHS.

Hagan: nOW…

MORE GUNFIRE. HAGAN GETS ANGRY.

HAGAN: FOR FUCKS SAKE! THIS IS THE RASPBERRY REICH! ITS PORN! DEAL WITH IT!

Clip- raspberry reich.

Clip- opening.

Hagan vo: and yes. I mean porn. Cum shots and all. Not emmanuelle and its soft focus and softcore. This is hardcore porn.

HAGAN:Minion, prepare the black censorship boxes!!

MINION enters holding black censorship box over head. Editted in in post.

Clip- black and white guy chanting.

HAGAN: Its also fucking weird! Surprised?!

Clip- more guy.

Hagan: I promise there’s porn here. Somewhere.

Clip- more guy.

HAGAn vo: its hard to believe at the moment but it took me a long time to find the uncut version of this. Most countries only have a horribly censored version where they kaleidoscope the sex scenes.

clip- better than chocolate.

Clip- more guy.

Hagan vo: so after almost 2 minutes of gibberish we get to rewarded with the sight of a man sucking off a gun.

Clip- sucking gun.

Hagan: sexier when I did it.

Clip- turkey shoot review.

Clip- sucking.

Hagan vo: did I miss anything? Oh, yeah he’s doing it in his underwear in-front of a massive picture of che guevara.

Clip- gets shotgun.

Hagan vo: proving that handguns are a gateway guns to bigger and better guns the guy then starts masturbating a shotgun.

Clip- mallrats on shotgun, superman cumming

hagan vo: before he can begin on an m-16 we cut to a woman being fucked.

Hagan: Straight men and gay women might want to hold onto this image because this doesn’t happen very much. For this is mainly a gay guy porno.

Clip- gudrun.

Hagan vo: we then see the woman doing… woman things.. like walking, wearing sunglasses and a headscarf, eating raspberrys, hating capitalism and buying guns.

Cut to hagan wearing sunglasses and a headscarf, eating raspberrys and holding a gun.

HGAAN: What?

A Beat.

HAGAN: Oh.. yeah… fuck the free market!

Clip- the next bits.

Hagan vo: the next bits of the film are the woman- gudrun doing her stuff, the guy wanking the gun, some guy on a skateboard and then gudrun getting fucked.

Hagan: and then 7 minutes in the film begins proper and the sex scene is suddenly much less explicit.

Clip- fuck me for revolution. Fuck me for revolution.

Hagan: admit it. Who doesn’t want to see a porno where john adams says that to benjamin franklin?

Clip- john adams bit with dubbing? Ep2 1h 7 mins.

Clip- gudrun and boyfriend.

HAGAN VO: So gudrun gets her boyfriend to fuck her against the wall.

Hagan: for the revolution of course!

Clip- guy next door.

Hagan vo: and the guy who was sucking off the guns listens in and wanks.

HAGAN: this scene was better when it was in the wicker man.

Clip- wicker man.

Hagan: oh and in case you’re wondering. Yes the guy does masturbate with a gun. And NO I cant show you it!

Clip- sex.

Hagan vo: then theres a bunch of shots of people fucking, wanking and whatnot with the sound of gunfire going off!

Hagan: are you regretting loading this video yet?

Clip- black and white stuff.

Hagan vo: next up there’s a short black and white sequence with bad acting and no sex!

Clip- dialogue from the scene.

Hgaan vo: the guys in the car are planning on kidnapping the skateboard guy.
Clip- dialogue from the scene.

Hagan vo: luckily we’re saved from their bad acting and we cut to gudrun and her boyfriend fucking in a lift.

Hgaan: for the revolution!

Hagan vo: and the lift doors open in front of a middle aged couple.

HAGAN: for the revolution!

Hagan vo: and the middle aged couple get into the lift anyway.

HGAAN: For the revolution?

Hagan vo: ok. This is what I THINK is going on. Gudrun is trying to start a revolution of some sort,. somehow sex in public+ kidnapping skateboarders + unknown = REVOLUTION!

Clip- sex in public+kidnapping skateboarder+ unknown= REVOLUTION!

Clip- tyoung ones

HAGAN: Oh and in case you thought I wouldnt refrence this

HAGAN sways, moves finger in time to music. Underpants gnomes song.

Hagan: there. Happy?

MINION: Im not.

Clip- gudrun ranting while being fucked.

Hagan: ah. Yes. Everything is so much clearer now. Hey, middle aged couple why did you even get into the lift if the sight of young people fucking offended you so much?

A beat.

Minion: mistress… its just a camera.

HAGAN: What?

Minion: The people in the film cant hear you.

HGAAN: I know that!

HAGAN pulls pin from grenade an hands it to minion.

HAGAN: Swallow this and wait in the house of pain.

MINION wlaks off while putting grenade in mouth. Off-screen boom.

Clip- people masturbate while the words raspberry reich go by.

HAGAN VO: Now, you cant see this but the next thing to happen is the words ‘Raspberry reich’ very slowly float by, overlaying shots of men masturbating.

Hagan: just in that bit, I think I tripled the amount of cocks iv ever seen.

Clip- the older couple.

Hagan vo: the older couple return home and within seconds begin to fuck.

Hagan: ah I think I’ve worked out how this revolution works. Its like pay it forward but with sex and when everyone in the worlds fucking… gudrun declares victory and joins in the orgy?

Clips as per description.

Hagan vo: just so you all know. We’re about 17 minutes into the film and we’ve had the following. Straight sex, gun fellatio, masturbation, bad acting, monochrome and revolutionary slogans placed over the sex so I cant show them.

HAGAN: I miss anything?

Clip- cum shot, obscured by black box.

Hagan vo: ah yes. A cum shot. Which none of you can see.

HAGAN: Making this little part of the review completely pointless.

HAGAN is suddenly in a box in the corner of the screen. Image frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is revieweing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Making this part of Hagans review- completely pointless. Fucking typical of her. Cant act, cant write and cant light the shot. Be smart and avoid the joke of a reviewer in future. I’m the reviewer reviewer and I watch it because…. I feel like it….

REVIEWER REVIEWER is suddenly in a frozen box in the corner of the screen. OBSCURUS LUPA is reviewing.

LUPA: And of course another pathetic sign off from the reviewer reviewer. His schtik got old last year. You seriously call that a sign off?

LUPAs image is frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER RVIEWER: Yes I do.

REVIEWER REVIEWER IS FROZEN.

LUPA: Well that;ll be the amazing standards that got you married to that beached whale then.

LUPA is frozen. Image goes to corner of screen.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: You bring my wife into this? You want to start something?

REVIEWER REVIEWER IS FROZEN.

LUPA: I want to start it, do it and finish it!

LUPA is frozen. HAGAN is reviewing.

HAGAN: What the fuck is going on?!

HAGAN IS FROZEN. REVIEWER REVIWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Fuck off, you loony dyke. You want me? I ‘m right here!

REVIEWER REVIEWER IS FROZEN. LUPA is reviewing.

LUPA: Yeah? Well if you had any stones you’d be right here, you fucking coward!

LUPA IS FROZEN. HAGAN is reviewing.

HAGAN: Excuse me, this is my review…

HAGAN is frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Piss off, Hagan!

REVIEWER REVIEWER is frozen. LUPA is reviewing.

LUPA: Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion!

LUPA is frozen. REVIEWER REVIEWER is reviewing.

REVIEWER REVIEWER: Its really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Thereaputically theres no danger involved.
REVIEWER REVIEWER is frozen. HAGAN is reviewing.

HAGAN points gun at camera. Fires. REVIEWER REVIEWER falls dead. HAGAN looks up at the camera.

HAGAN: Now. Are we going to keep doing this?

HAGAN is frozen. LUPA is is reviewing.

LUPAs review room is empty. Sound of crickets.

HAGAN: Good. Now, where were we?

Clip- cum shot.

Hagan: ah yes. The cum shot.

Hagan vo: is it just me or does che very unimpressed?

Clip- kidnapping.

Hagan vo: well he;s got reason to be unimpressed. He’s on the wall of some pretty damn inefficient revolutionary kidnappers.

Clip- trunk.

Hagan vo: turns out that the kidnapper who handcuffed himself to the victim is secretly his boyfriend and they have…

HAGAN: KIDNAPPER-KIDNAPPEE-GET-AWAY-CAR-TRUNK-SEX!

Clip- flashback.

Hgan vo: so then there’s a flashback to 2 weeks before when the kidnapper follows the kidnappee around pretty damn incompetently.

Hagan: naturally this leads to…

clip- kissing. Sex.

Hagan: looks like its time for another hagan field test.

Skit- hagan follows someone around house.

SOMEONE: Are you following me?

HAGAN: Yes I am. Do you wanna fuck?

SOMEONE punches hagan.

HAGAN (Hurt jaw): Stupid movie…

CLIP- sex in trunk.

HAGAN vo: and now their naked… and having sex in the trunk. Get that round your mind. 2 men, in the trunk of a BMW, handcuffed together have managed to get undressed and are having sex.

HAGAN:…. fucking Contortionists!… literally…

CLIP- gudrun talking to guy.

HAGAN VO: So back at the base gudrun imparts some vital information.

CLIP- Masturbation is counter revolutionary.

HAGAN: a porno is telling us wanking is bad. Next up we have me telling us all about the dangers of shooting people and a uwe boll movie will tell us shit filmmaking is bad. Actually that sounds like something he’d do.

Clip- gudrun nd all.

Hagan vo: gudrun begins into a long rant about the famous german communist terrorist baider-meinhoff gang and how they were all murdered in prisons. She then gets her men to go ‘liberate’ some groceries.

Clip- shoplifting! Shoplifting!’

hagan: and then we have a… I hate to use this term… big lipped aligator moment.

COLIN OR SOMEONE IN GREENMAKEUP

MKEUP: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

HAGAN: What the fuck…

MINION: Sorry, mistress. The police bombed the real alligator.

MAKEUP: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR-BIG LIPPED ALIGATOR MOMENT!

Clip- on vegtables and animals.

Hagan: you know, you put on a porno by the guy who made ‘no skin off my ass’ and do you expect to have a mini lecture on vegetables and animals and capitalism? No? Then you’ve obviously never seen ‘no skin off my ass’

Clip- gudrun upset.

Hagan vo: gudrun is upset that the kidnappers haven’t arrived home yet.

Clip- where could they possibly be?

Hagan: where could they possibly be?

Clip- burger king.

Hagan: those crazy communists!

Clip- gudrun and the guys.

Hagan vo: gudrun uses the revolution to try and convince her boyfriend to fuck the guy who was wanking with guns while she watches.

Hagan: for the revolution of course.

Cllip- refusal.

Hagan: Quite posibly.

Hagan vo: the boy friends not interested, she changes tack.

Clip- free yourself from your heterosexual repression…. kissing

hagan: that womans a genius. Fucking lunatic but… a genius… so this happens.

Clip- Pulls down underwear. Blacked out

clip- dr who. Look at the size of that thing doctor!

Clip- lots of blacked out images.

Hagan vo: so 100% hetrosexual boyfriend immediately begins sucking the others guys dick and because you can apparently never see enough cock we see it in a 3-way split screen shot. gudrun talks about revolutionary stuff and the guys in the car arrive and those 2 contortionists who were handcuffed together are dressed. Again

CONFUSED HAGAN IS CONFUSED.

shooting range.

hagan vo: gudrun then shoots and yells catchphrases.

Clip- revolution is my boyfriend, hetrosexuality is the opiate of the masses etc

hagan: I like ‘hetrosexuality is the opiate of the masses’

clip- kissing in street.

Hagan vo: the boyfriend and the other guy makeout in public and get glared at by old people and other people do a monologue about the evil of cornflakes while we see footage of women sucking cocks.

Hagan: and then we get this exchange.

CLIP- Talking about bisexuality. Lay back and watch your porno.

Hagan: and it works again! What the fuck!?… I need… to see for myself if this works…. but iv been beaten up once for trying to recreate this film… I need a queer… a big queer. Someone who wouldnt cry with terror with faced with footage of twinks blowing each other…. MR CUB! Mr cub!

MOGAWI: Yes.

HAGAN: Are you gay?

MOGWAI: You need to ask?

A beat. Hagan is thinking.

Magwai: you need to ask?

Hagan: ye……nooo………????

MOGWAY: Of course I’m gay. What do you want?

HAGAN: Ever got a straight man to have sex with you by putting on a straight porno and making him watch it while you fucked?

MOGWAI: Of course not! Thats terrible! Thats sick! Thats horrible!

GOMERX appears.

gomerx: hey mogwai I was wondering if you could suck me off while I watched porno… hey! Whats hagan doing here!? Whats that camera doing there?! I TOLD YOU YOU COULDNT FILM THIS! WE ARE OVER!

GOMERX. Hagan and mogwai stare at each other.

Hagan: I probly shouldnt have seen that.

Mogwai: cocblocked

Hagan: how do you even do that if your in canada and he’s in the states?

MOGAWI (upset): HE HAS A MASSIVE COCK! AND I’LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN!

Mogwai breaks down.

HAGAN looks sheepish.

Hagan: I’ll go finish my review…

MOGWAI: EVEN FLACID I CAN SEE HIS COCK FROM MY HOUSE!

Hagan: i’ll leave you alone…

MOGWAI: GOMERX! I miss you!

HAGAN: Welllllll that was awkward. (communicator) minions. Send them both fruit baskets. (communicator away) continue the film.

Clip- there will be no sexual revolution without homosexual revolution!

Hagan: very true gudrun but please tell me. If this is about revolution and smashing the state then why have you surrounded yourself with only men? Lesbians stereotypically make much better fighters than most men…i mean, its almost as though this whole revolution thing is just so you can twist weak willed men into your sexual playthings…

clip- gudrun snogging man.

Hagan: you genius fucking cunt.

Clip-s censored.

Hagan vo: so everyones having sex and the music is…………………. well…… not very subtle.

Clip- prisoner and guard.

Hagan vo: so the hostage and his boyfriend talk about how the hostages dad disinherited him for being gay and so wont pay for his release and how his boyfriends a little bitch for not telling the rest of the gang that their dating.

Hagan: patti hurst wasnt this much trouble.

Clip- i’ll do it tonight. Good come here or ill report you to amnesty international.

Hagan: you see I actually like this. Unlike emmanuelle where they need to come up with mental excuses to fuck-these characters embrace the fact their in a porno and just fuck. Its refreshing.

Hagan vo: watching them fuck is even less attractive than watching walls fuck. Im not into guys so I dont find it sexy but I dont find it disgusting either. Its sexually neutral. Its non sexual to me. Its about as sexual as watching a review by Linkara.

Linkara appears.

Linkara: hey! I’ll have you know i’m sexy! I’m extremly sexy! I just make you think while I turn you on! The brain is the biggest erogenous zone of them all!

Hagan: you’re no marzgurl

linkara: neither are you! In fact, neither of us are marzgurl! Only marzgurl is marzgurl.

Hagan: so what?

Linkara: im not sure…

Linkara goes.

Hagan: so the they strap the hostage to a… wait a sec?! Was that linkara?!…

clip- stuff.

Hagan vo: ok. Cock is officially boring.

Hgaan: well. More boring.

Clip- ‘I dont care about tibet… I care about my orgasm!’

hagan: wow. Honesty.

Clip- gudrun speeching.

Hagan vo: so gudrun talks about the cia and how they orchestrate coups against socialist countries and then manipulates her last hetrosexual man into having sex with the hostage. Gudrun reveals she knows about the relationship between the hostage and one of her men and forces him to watch as the straight guy and the hostage have sex.

Hagan: I think this means she’s both sadistic AND psychic. Which is still better than the films stated reason. Which is this

hagan shrugs.

Clip- black out shots.

CLIP- SODOMY SONG. Sex scenes.

Hagan vo: then we have sex. Sex-sex-sex. Sex. REVOLUTION. Sex-sex-sexsex. Epileptic fit. Sexsexsex.

Clip- join the homosexual intefada.

Hagan: and now gudrun has no more straight men in her gang. I had no idea it was so easy to turn straight people gay, perhaps ted haggard was right…. those are 4 words I hope never to say in any order ever again.

Clip- escape.

Hagan vo: the boyfriend and the hostage decide to run off. Gudrun reacts by being mostly naked. And industrial music pioneer and professional insane person genesis porridge narrates… insanely….

clip- being insane.

hagan: shocking.

Clip- stuff.

Hagan vo: so with that gudrun decides the revolution has failed and ends the whole thing. And fish suffocate.

Hagan: and then we cut to 2 years later.

Clip- gay bar.

Hagan vo: terrorist chic has taken over the gay community.

Hagan: as it does.

Clip- drag queen talk.

Hagan vo: 3 of the gang meet up in the gay bar, talk about how their not gay and start looking for men to screw. We also learn that one of them cant speak german.

Hagan: even though the films set in germany, he’s played by a german and… he’s german.

Clip- hostage and boyfiend.

Hagan vo: the hostage and the boyfriend have spent the last two years robbing banks owned by the hostages dad.

Clip- kissing outside. Long time.

Hagan: and its a miracle that no ones caught them yet….

clip- middle east.

Hagan vo: the guy who sucked off the guns has become the camera operator for an islamic terrorist organisation.

Hagan: because we all know that one group who love sexually interesting people is muslim terrorists.

Clip- middle east.

Hagan vo: and take note of how the middle east was most definitely NOT filmed in a damp sandpit in germany.

Clip- point out trees behind him very not german trees.

Clip- gudrun.

Hgaan vo: gudrun and her husbnd had a baby and is raising them to be the leader of the next generation of insane, sexually manipulative crazypeople. The baby does not look impressed.

Hagan: and thats that.

Hagan vo: so whats my thoughts? I love this film. Its insane, its funny

hagan: possibly by accident.

Hagan vo: and bruce labruce is one of my favourite film makers. This is true punk film making. But it doesn’t mean that its good. The performances are terrible and the story makes no sense. But at the same time its extremely entertaining.

Hagan:I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day… join me next time when I review

BOOM! Camera shakes, hagan thrown to the side. Alarms.

HAGAN: What the hell?!

MINION: Mistress! Its the Police! Their bombing us!

HAGAN: What?! Why didnt you warn me when the sensors picked them up?!

MINION: You kill everyone who interrupts your reviews!

A Beat.

HAGAN: you’ve got a point.

HAGAN shoots minion.

HAGAN: Now don’t do it again!

Hagan pulls out microphone.

Hagan: teddy! Come here and bring the self destruct device!

TEDDY appear with device. Hands it to hagan.

TEDDY: what are you doing mistress?

HAGAN: I’ve had it with the star trek acting. I’m going to destroy the compound and with it.. everything in a 50 mile radius!

Hagan presses buttons.

HAGAN: That’ll fucking teach the police to try and kill me. Lets see them explain THIS to the public.

countdown begins.

Countdown: 5, 4

HAGAN grabs teddy.

Countdown: 3,2

hagan and teddy vanish.

Outside. BOOM.

POST CREDIT AUDIO.

Footsteps.

ALEISTER: miseryness, Im hooome. Basil sends his… WHAT THE BALLY HELL HAPPENED THE FUCKING HOUSE!?

Scripts- The Black Gestapo

Felt it was time I put up another original script so here is ‘The Black Gestapo’ review script (dramatic chord).

A draft of this was the first review finished for season 2. I spent nearly 3 weeks in a cheap hotel in London after doing Condorman (I was attending screenings of a documentary Id directed) and the laptop I brought with me broke after a day.. so I went and bought a cheap DVD player, found copies of review movies in an expensive London DVD shop and started doing a handwritten scripts. I dont suggest you try this at home.

whether you like it or not…

HAGAN: Greetings gentle viewers. I got a lot of requests to do a blaxploitation film…

pix- words

reading- ‘hey whore! Stop being a whore! And do a blaxploitation film! With whores in it, you whore!’

reading- ‘why dont you review a proper movie. Like shaft?’

Reading- ‘would you like a to try penis enlargement?’

reading- ‘fucking talentless cirque-du-soleil freak! Piss off with your minions! PS review more porn
‘
reading- ‘hello, my name is oninko and I am a princess in my country of nigeria…’

HAGAN: As you can see. People wanted this. THE BLACK GESTAPO!

Scripts- Intermedio

And here we have the first episode filmed with the crisp new HD camera. Also the last episode filmed before I worked out the (simple in retrospect) trick that made my face shine while keeping the background darker. Although Lecher Bitch is without doubt a much better song , I think the Urban Gothic theme lends itself to much more dynamic editing than it. The new intro was created as a warning to new people watching the show that what you’re gonna see is tonally a little different than most review shows. I think it works. On a scriptwriting level, I think this was the first episode where I colour-coded the script to make it harder to miss anything when filming, it usually helps. The film itself was suggested by The Avatar of Decent Humour and to my eternal shame I agreed to do it when I heard about the laughable effects and Amber Benson was in it. I think many films on my list woulda made for a better episode, the film was VERY boring

HAGAN lying dead. Comes to life. Jumps up in front of camera.

HAGAN: I’m alive!

A beat.

HAGAN: Where’s my victorious return from the dead music?!

TEDDY lying on sofa. HAGAN goes beside his head.

HAGAN: WAKE UP!

TEDDY: What?!

HAGAN: I RESURRECTED AND YOU FORGOT THE VICTORIOUS RETURN FROM THE DEAD MUSIC!

TEDDY: I’m sorry mistress. I was waiting for a long time. I fell asleep.

HAGAN: We’ll do it again.

HAGAN lies dead. Wakes up to over several shots to one winged angel. Shot of TEDDY with boombox. HAGAN finally Jumps into camera view. With music.

HAGAN: I KNEW I’D COME BACK TO LIFE. (to mirror) And oooh my clothes and makeup and hair has changed. Ha! Jesus never got that perk! And ooooh HD! Being dead rocks! (looks at teddy, over shoulder shots begin) How long did it take?! 3 DAYS? MORE?!

TEDDY nods

HAGAN: 4 days?

TEDDY SHAKES HEAD. POINTS UPWARDS.

Hagan: More? Much more?

TEDDY nods.

Hagan: 3 years?

TEDDY shakes head. Points downwards.

2 hours later.

HAGAN: 22.5 days?

MINION shakes head. Points down.

HAGAN grabs the TEDDY by throat.

HGAN: I’m sick of this shit, how long did it take?!

TEDDY: 3 Weeks.

HAGAN: Fuck.

HAGAN drops TEDDY who falls on floor. Hagan turns to camera.

HAGAN: Well still did better than Jesus. He didn’t exist. Anyway… HIT THE NEW THEME MUSIC!

THEME

HAGAN: (To camera, teddy beside) Wow. That’s awesome. Greetings gentle viewers I’m supposed to be reviewing Intermedio tonight but because I’m now god iv decided that what is in this box (dvd box HELD BY TEDDY) is actually 90 minutes of allyson hannigan and servicing every woman I find attractive. In order of attractiveness. Now (does blessing motion) et nominae haganus. Open it.

TEDDY opens it.

HAGAN: and its… Dead and Dying!… which is Intermedios UK title…(points gun at TEDDY) still! (puts gun away) I still did better than jesus, he never existed. This is intermedio (aka dead and dying)

Clip- dead and dying.

Clips from buffy and or chance.

hgaan vo: Now this review is going to hurt me. Not because the film is shit… even though its shitness is well worth avoiding it for. Its going to hurt me because of the cast. One in particular.

Clip- amber benson

hagan vo: amber benson replaced alysson hannigan as my favourite buffy performer when she arrived. Iv met her in person and I own an autographed copy of her directorial debut film- chance. Amber is an awesome actor, singer, writer and director. But she’s also in this film.

Hagan: i’m sorry amber. I really am. But you’ve got to be punished like the rest of them.

Clip- opening shots.

Hagan vo: we open on quite a lot of very yellow shots.

Hagan: seriously, its like they drank gold paint and pissed on the negative.

Clip- sky. Dub on- CONDOR (insects)……. SKY…..

Clip- snap neck. Straw hat.

Hagan vo:well that’s a good start. A chickens neck gets snapped by a Mexican stereotype.

Clip- car.

Hagan vo: in the car we have two irritating children who cant act and their dads. Who also cant act. The dads are going to meet up with the Mexican stereotype for the purposes of getting into a tunnel that’ll take them over the border to Mexico.

Hagan: also- this is supposed to be the 1980’s.

Clip- car.

Hgaan vo: anyone there look like their from the 1980’s? no. moving on.

Clip- getting into the tunnel.

Hagan vo: the chicken begins to bleed, the mexican gets paid a hell of a lot of cash and we get a shot of what’s sure to be checkovs hankerchief.

Hagan:and according to the gay handkerchief code I found on the internet that guy wants…

hagan checks a long list on a piece of paper.

Hagan: here it is. Light blue. He wants to receive oral sex. Ok, that’s actually probably true.

Clip- in tunnel.

Hagan vo: the guys are going to buy some drugs. Considering they just gave the guy thousands to use his tunnel i’m wondering how they are going to bring back the amount of drugs needed to make this trip worthwhile.

Clip- kids.

Hgaan vo: and yes. Their leaving those kids in the boiling car. In a desert. Alone.

Clip- walking, railsback, death,

hagan vo: so an old man played by steve railsback (fanfare) turns up and pours blood from a vial, which turns into bad cgi which kills the men. Somehow… and then we see the real terror of this film.

Clip- presented by the asylum.

Hagan: the people that brought the world transmorphers, nightmare hostel, snakes on a train..and what’s worse is this isn’t a rip-off of an actual film. So there are precisely no good ideas here.

Clip- silly music. Words- FEEL FREE TO COMMIT SUICIDE NOW. Countdown 10-1.

hagan: I’m guessing that at least one person was dumb enough to live to watch more so on we go.

Clip- names.

Hagan vo: the credits last for almost as much time as the pre-credit sequence. The music gives up and stops partway through and guess what?

Clip- music company.

Hgaan vo: the composer is a company. Not a person.

Clip- 18 years later

hagan vo: as the sign says we’re 18 years later and that ‘sweet’, ‘innocent’ little boy has become edward furlong.

Hagan: I can only assume that the shock of seeing his dad go into a mexican mans dark hole scarred him for life.

Clip- girl with gun.

Hagan vo: and the grown up version of the little girl arrives. With a gun.

Hagan: actually wait. They didn’t tell us the names of the two kids so I am just going to assume that the little girl became edward furlong and the little boy became whoever she is. Why? Its the closest thing to amusement I’m likely to get in this film.

Clip- sees karl.

Hagan vo: and… her t-shirt says karl…

HAGAN: maybe iv accidentally picked up on something subtle and deliberate. Sort of.

Clip- sound of knock. amber benson arrives.

Hagan vo; so amber benson arrives..

hagan by a chair. Person in chair. Sheet over it

Hgaan: and this is as good a time as any to reveal…

MINION pulls cover off chair and person (gagged).

HAGAN: THE lesbotron 9,001! basically because amber benson is at her best when playing a lesbian i’v decided to fairly react to her sexuality in this film. This lovely person… who the minions have reliably informed me is called ‘help me!, let me go.. please’ will suffer every ten minutes that amber benson does not do something sexual with a girl. If she does do something lesbiony mr please will go free. Now back to the film.

Clip- she kisses edward furlong.

Hagan immediately goes nuts and kills the person in the chair.

Static. Appears back. Person dead.

Hagan (to camera): sorry…

clip- guy arrives.

Hgaan vo: the floppy haired boyriend of ‘karl’ arrives and begins laying out exposition about the tunnels we saw in the pre-credits sequence.

Hagan: Minion. Do the dance of exposition.

Minion dances. Intercut with exposition. Add jaunty tune. Medieval.

Clip- car.

HAGAN: no longer do the dance of exposition minion.

Clip- they arrive.

Hagan vo: so they get to the tunnels and…

clip- the chicken, dead mans blood… control the dead.

hagan: resume the dance of exposition minion!

Talking intercut with minion dancing. Shorter this time.

Clip- go down into the tunnel.

Hagan vo: so they go into the tunnel and the mexican…

clip- slices arm.

Hagan:ummm dude. Your knife is bleeding.

Cllip- tunnels.

Hagan vo: so in the tunnels someone finally gets around to mentioning that this is meant to be the fabled home of the el intermedios. Pissed off ghosts who kill anyone who invades their space. The only one worried by them is amber benson.

Hagan: even though she’s not in the half of the cast- whose dads vanished down there without a fucking trace.

Clip- floppy haired ass and karl.

Hagan vo: the floppy haired ass tries to get some from karl, his brunette, she-male love goddess.

Hagan: because tunnels are so romantic.

Clip- they walk.

Hagan vo: they walk. And walk. And walk.

Hagan: oh hey sunlight behind them.

Hagan vo: And walk. And walk. And walk.

Hagan: and I swear they keep re-using the same couple bits of of tunnel over and over again.

Clip- amber stops.

Hagan vo: amber benson gets lost and finds a boiling pool of water.

Clip- sticks hand in.

hagan: I don’t know who’s dumber- amber bensons character for doing that or amber benson for agreeing to play her.

Clip- meet up.

Hagan vo: after you begin wondering how this could be made even longer they all manage to meet up with the mexican drug dealers.

Clip- railsback.

Hagan vo: so steve railsback turns up looking like his character in turkey shoots dried out corpse and pours more blood than is physically possible out of his pendant.

Hagan: this calls the angry ghosts. Made of not so special effects!

Clip- attack. Sub- as originally edited.

Clip- they run off.

Hagan vo: the quartet and the surviving Mexican run off and the Mexican decides that the ghosts and whatnot that happened was clearly an ambush by americans who dont wanna pay for their drugs.

Hagan: he’s dumb like that.

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: given the seriousness of the situation they talk about what to do..

clip- talking. Overlay with evil dead the musical. What the fuck was that. Stuff with scotty wanting to go.

Clip- split up.

hagan vo: so the yanks have decided to split up.

Hagan: their dumb like that.

Clip- floppy haired guy. quicksand.

Hagan vo: floppy guy steps in a shallow hole and is swallowed up by the floor which is actually made of blood.

Hagan: and evil…mexican quicksand.

Hagan vo: he falls through the floor and ends up bone dry in another bit of the tunnel which looks like the same bit of tunnel.

Clip-s running through tunnels.

Hagan vo: and these tunnels… they have to be real things and not a set. Sets don’t look that crap.

Clip- floppy guy., tries to escape.

Hgaan vo: apparently the evil mexican quicksand teleported him near the entrance because within minutes he finds it but unfortunately the dead mexican stereotype killed by steve railsback is lying on the trapdoor and stops him getting out.

Hagan: I wonder why steve railsback waited until now to kill him. The guys been letting people into the tunnels for… ohhhh 20 years 30?? and…. isnt steve railsback down there with them? How did he get there? The mexican is blocking the door!

Clip- sturdy workmanship. Gets down off the ladder.

Hagan vo: and check out the sturdy workmanship on display. Pretty damn wobbly.

Clip- walking. And arguing and walking.

Hagan vo: and we’re back with walking, walking, walking, arguing, walking,

hagan (holding cat): you’re a far more interesting thing to look at that this film. Yess you are!

Clip- walking

hagan vo: walking walking walking.

Hagan: this is like the descent but shit. Actually no.. wait… the descent 2 is the like descent but shit. This is the descent 2 but shit…. actually… sorry the cave is the descent 2 but shit. This is like the cave, but shit.

clip- amber Benson and the the mexican. Underneath the trapdoor.

Hagan vo: so they reach the trapdoor.

Hagan: it looks just like the other one but with no ladder.

Hagan vo: oh looks like their doing something clever. Their gonna use the crutches to… no he’s picking up the girl with the broken foot in order to get her to open the door.

Clip- samaritan snare. HE IS SMART.

Clip- ghost attack.

Hagan (laughs) oh that is so gonna end up in my starting one of these days.

HAGAN VO: The ghost that seems to be a cross between a crappy glo in the dark skeleton suit and a tron outfit! the crap cgi! The fact that the ground moves while amber writhes in pain… its just… whee!

Hagan: Its a scre-delvert! A popstilkin! Its positively intercrastic in its internotrafabularies!

A beat.

Hagan: what? if the makers don’t give a shit, why should I?

Clip- death again

Hagan vo: Obviously I’m sad that amber bensons dead,…

hagan: actually this once I’m not not. You were in a crap film, you didn’t even fuck a girl. You did nothing for me in this film Amber. And this once I’m not sorry your dead….(cries) yes I am!

Clip- mexican.

Hagan vo: the mexican guys had his fingers cut off. Though he’s clearly just made fists and covered them in fake blood. Edward furlong keeps hugging ambers character because if he doesn’t she might fall over…

hagan: and force them to pay for a mannequin.

Clip- them running. Amber being dragged.

Hagan vo: so they run off, followed by someone who’s oddly grey for a film who’s idea of realistic outside colouration is ‘piss yellow’…

hagan: the baddies have also run off with ambers body…

clip- ambers body being moved.

Hagan vo: what did the baddies do? Freeze the ground around her and dig it up as a slab?!

Hagan: because im not seeing any other possibilities.

Clip- arguing with floppy haired guy.

Hagan vo: they meet up with floppy haired guy- who’s coming from the mexican side of the tunnel system even though he was last seen at the entrance to the US side. They argue over who gets a light.

Hagan: because holy crap. The tunnels are meant to be dark!

Clip- floppy haired guy attacked by wall.

Hagan vo: floppy haired guy gets attacked by some arms behind a wall.

Hgaan: worked better in day of the dead.

Clip- day dead trailer.

Hagan: maybe because their wall didn’t move like cardboard while they did it.

Clip- safehouse.

Hagan vo: somehow everyone (including the guy with no fingers) gets up into a safehouse built into the ceiling of the tunnel.

Hagan: and no. there wasn’t a ladder.

Clip- edward furlong.

Hagan vo: edward furlong snaps and attacks the wall.

Hagan: kudos to you for building this one out of something solid.

Hagan vo: whys he doing that? I dunno. I think he’s realised that he’s gone lower than anyone in history to get money for blow.

Hagan: yes even lower than that glam metal guy who sucked random guys dicks for cocaine money.

Clip- floppy haired guy dies.

Hagan vo: floppy haired guy dies in… a pretty damn… crap way…

hagan: texas chainsaw it ain’t.

Clip- texas chainsaw. Door slam.

Clip- ghost mexican.

Hagan vo: a ghost kills the mexican and he makes a stock scream so loud it can be heard high over the now not yellow mountains. And yet edward furling and karl in the next room dont hear it…

confused hagan is confused.

Clip- the with mexican

hagan vo: and to make things dumber…

hagan: the ghosts cut out his tongue. Think about that for a moment.

Clip- floppy haired guy back.

Hagan vo: so even though we saw him get an axe in his back and heard him get stabbed a fuckload more times the flopyhaired ass is back.

He confesses he saw karl and edward furlongs dads go into the pit and didnt help them- which would be shocking if he wasnt a child at the time and therefore did nothing wrong and if.. oh yes… ANYONE GAVE A SHIT! He also says he knew all about the ghosts and that other people had died and brought them there anyway. Because…. the script said so. And then he dies.

Hagan: again.

Clip- escaping through bodies.

Hagan vo: so they somehow escape into the dumping pit for the bodies. They act shocked that smelly, squishy body shaped things could in fact be bodies and are led to safety by a ghost who tells them the other ghosts are being controlled by steve railsback.

HAGAN: Whys he there and whys he not controlled by steve railsback and why does he look different from the other ghosts?…… because…. (points) HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

hagan runs off

HAGAN VO: Karl climbs the ladder and manages to move the body of the Mexican steriotype even though earlier the much larger and more muscular floppy haired ass couldnt.

Hagan: either that body has rotted a lot in a few hrs or she’s she-hulk.

Clip- run into steve railsback. Car. Flashback.

hagan vo: they run into steve railsback at the house of the dead mexican steriotype and don’t realise that he’s the baddy. How he got there because the trapdoor was fucking blocked by the mexican I have no idea. He drives away with them and drugs karl by way of a sealed can of beer. Yes a sealed can of beer. We also get a flashback to more than 20 years back when steve railsback killed his son for being a druggie and took mystical control of the ghosts… somehow…

hagan: like the mexican steve railsback hasn’t aged at all. To compare. This was steve railsback in the 1982 (turkey shoot) and this was steve railsback in the 1986 (flashback) he must have had a rough 1985. I blame the naked alien space vampires myself.

clip- lifeforce. trailer ideally.

Clip- taken back.

Hagan vo: so steve railsback is killing people because he killed his son for being a drug addict.

HAGAN: the real tragedy here is thats not the stupidest reason i’v seen for someone killing people. At least he’s not a superpowered zombie too.

HAGAN VO: takes them back to the dead body pile and leaves them to die.

Hagan: too obvious to mock..

Hagan vo: the ghost of railsbacks son saves them again and railsback fights a 20 year old she-male.

Hagan: well over the years in all the c-movies he’s been in he’s fought pretty much everything else.

Clip- necklace. Ghosts.

Hagan vo: the pendant gets destroyed and railsback is… CGI’d to death…

hagan: because ghosts that are angry at having been forced to become murderers will automatically get revenge on the man who forced them to kill- by eviscerating him.

clip- afterwards.

Hagan vo: so everything is now happy. Edward furlong and karls friends are dead. They have to talk to the police about the dozens and dozens of bodies littering the tunnels and get into trouble for transporting drugs AND even though they’ve never been romantically attached and have both lost their partners they still find the time to have an off-screen fuck before they go.

hagan: and given that I still have decided their both transsexuals who haven’t had the operation I can only assume that the off-screen sex was much more interesting looking than the rest of the film.

Clip- ghosts watching.

Hagan: why else would the ghosts watching it?

Clips from the film.

Hagan vo: This film. Is a masterful mix of the stupid and the boring. I choose to believe it was deliberate because my death list really doesn’t need to be made any longer. Its bad. Bad. Bad. Its children of the living dead level incompetance. Sure its pretty unique but sometimes things aren’t done because their shit! There are only two positive things the film has- the casting of edward furlong, steve railsback and amber benson who are all fine actors.. and having the two main characters swap sex during the credits.

HAGAN: And I made that bit up!

Clip- from the making of.

Hagan vo: on the DVD there’s a short making of where its pretty clear that no-one gave a crap about the film. And Edward furlong appears to be higher than a nerds cock at the museum of naked lucy lawless.

Hagan: great edward, amber and the rest of you. I’m glad you all had fun wasting time and money in the desert while you made this piece of shit. I wish anyone who watched your movie could have had fun too. *sighs* I’ve watched this film 3 times now. Once for taking notes, once for writing and once while editting… so internet… what do you say to that?

Clip- YOU MASACHISTIC MOTHERFUCKER!

Hagan: That makes sense. I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day.

Scripts- Left Behind

This was the last review filmed with my SD camera. I got the HD cam before filming Condorman but decided to hold off on changing the camera for some reason that I can’t remember. Maybe I thought it’d be more dramatic bringing it in with Hagans first return from the dead. |

I’v no plans on doing the Left Behind movies thus far but I’m sure if I keep making the vids long enough I’ll get to them. Maybe I should get on that, because my Christian movies get higher-than-average viewing figures. Maybe because I seem to be the only one who’ll review them.

Anyway onto the script for the Left Behind review. One of Omegas fave eps. You’ll notice that there’s a serious difference about 2/3s of the way through. At the last minute I had to drop a Minion skit because everyone refused to do it. And in editing I came up with the ‘Divinyls Break’

hagan: greetings gentle viewers tonight we take a look at one of the MANY films about Christianity that is devoid of merit. This is.. left behind.

Clip- last temptation of christ.

Hagan looks at minion with controller

Hagan: We’re not watching that!

Clip- the gospel according to saint Matthew.

Hagan looks at minion again.

Hagan: stop putting up decent Christian movies! I know your scared… but we need to review this.

CLIP- the rapture.

HAGAN: Right…

hagan looks to the minion.

HAGAN: Open up your trousers and look down…

MINION looks in trousers.

HAGAN: good… you see those wires hanging from your urethra?

HAGAN presses button. Electric sound.

MINION SCREAMS.

Hagan: now put up left behind or I’ll make it feel like you’ve passed kirk Cameron like a fucking kidney stone!

Clip- left behind,

clip- directed by vic sarin.

Hagan: well that’s a good sign. I’m sure it’ll be a gas.

Clip- we should known but we didnt.

CLIP- FREEZE footage.

Hagan vo: possibly perhaps because your god only warned about the rapture by encoding it in the ramblings of a 19th century religious nutjob who decided that things in the bible meant things that on the surface they plainly didn’t.

HAGAN: Ok rough analogy time. Take a black piece of card, draw a target on it in black. Hang it out in the middle of a field at night with no lights on and then grab a random person and hand them a gun. Spin them around on the spot a few times until they get dizzy and make them try to shoot the target.

A beat.

HAGAN: Then tell them their an idiot.

Clip- in the end there’s no denying the truth.

Hagan: truth like. Your movie sucks! You have no career and have been reduced to the hetro-life mate of a kiwi with a banana sucking fixation.

Clip- ray comfort and bananas

Clip- jeruselem. 6.00

Hagan vo: And according to that ultra necessary caption we’re in Jerusalem.

Hagan: because when I hear middle eastern music and see the massive gold tit that is the dome of the rock I think… ‘hmmm perhaps we’re in strasburg!’

clip- jeruselem.

Hagan vo: Why is that info there? The entire audience for this film is idiots like ME who are reviewing this shit and idiots who believe in the rapture and They are very interested in israel and so know what Jerusalem looks like. Why? Because the fucking signs their looking for deal with israel.

Clip- kirk CAMERON.

Hagan: what the fuck is with capitalising his last name?!

Clip- other names.

HAGAN VO: And his, and theres, and theres.

HAGAN: What the fuck?!

Clip- crowds.

Hagan vo: so we have peaceful crowds of christians, jews and muslims living in peace in jeruselem.

Hagan: well their not actively killing each other at the moment. In the middle east that counts as peace. You know what else counts as peace in the middle east, all 3 of those religions coming together to kill gay people.

Clip- people.

Hagan vo: isn’t it wonderful. A bunch of lovely peaceful people. The vast majority of whom will burn in hell for believing in the wrong mythology.

HAGAN: Thanks god!

Clip- wailing wall.

HAGAN: Holy fuck. The wailing wall.. is wailing… literally.

Clip- iraq 6.03.

hagan: 6.00 am in israel and then 6.03 in iraq. That’s a trick given Iraq is an hour ahead of Israel.

hagan vo: iraq, syria and a bunch of other countries deploy their amazing cgi jet technology.

Clip- kirk cameron in field.

Hagan vo: kirk Cameron is playing buck williams, a news reporter. Someone who deals in fact and reality.

Hagan: stop laughing.

Clip- kirk.

Hagan vo: there’s some sort of a food shortage but this dr has created grain that grows in the desert.

Clip- it looks like iowa.

Hagan: get many camels in iowa?

Clip- not for sale etc.

hagan: your holding a miracle crop that could end global hunger and you wont let anyone get it til people stop hating israel? You blackmailing dickhead, have you no idea how people work?

Clip- guy.

Hagan vo: if someone hates someone. Refusing to give them something they need will only make them hate you more. If you say you wont give it to them til they love you- your just gonna make them say they love you and then break your nose the second they have it!

Hagan: if you want israel to be safe then sell the formula to someone who will pay a fortune and give the cash to israels military. OR JUST GIVE to EVERYONE THE FORMULA AS A GIFT FROM ISRAEL! You cant buy good publicity like that!

Clip- planes.

Hagan: of course science-beard here had to be a genius and piss off his neighbours and they attack…

clip- camera man. Then Mr Williams please this way. And boom.

Hagan vo: syria, iraq and a load of other countries declare war on the best friend of the most powerful country in the world. They risk annihilation at israels and americas nukes. They travel across the desert sands…

hagan: to bomb a desert and a field.

Clip- bombs.

Hagan vo: actually the explosions seem to be following them. Perhaps their trying to save the world from left behind 2 and 3 by killing kirk Cameron now.

HAGAN: Noble cause.

Clip- run into the shack. NORAD.

Hagan vo: amazing facts learned from films #6789. israeli norad is inside a shack.

Hagan: how the hell does a farmer and Mr CNN get into the israeli military command centre without a yelling at and a beating?

Clip- under attack. No one has as many enemies as israel.

Hagan: yeah. except for the nazis, and the empire, and the shadows, and sauron, and the cigarette smoking man

2 hours later

HAGAN: and me, and the master, and bill o’reilly, and any generic british hollywood villain and that nicolai ceausescu

2 hours later

hagan: and that cunt that cut me up in traffic this morning, and the guy who wrote fear her, and brannon braga and tom rothman…what am I listing again?

MINION: People who have more enemies than israel

hagan: oh.. sorry somewhere along the line I started listing people I want to kill. Serious overlap though.

Clip- the eden project would have fed the whole world.

Hagan: it would have if you shared it, you moron! This is you and your stupid bald heads fault!

Clip- planes blow up.

Hagan vo: so the planes blow up. Well thats what they say happened. It looks much more like someone is after-effecting in generic cg explosions over their crappy cgi planes. Sometimes the explosions arent anywhere near the planes!

Clip- its a cruel; trick. Only one way to find out. Buck runs out

hagan vo: so kirk cameron runs outside right underneath where the planes that are exploding are flying.

Hagan: even though the place was bombed into oblivion only minutes ago. When it was daytime. Let me say that again, when it was daytime.

Clip- flash gordon. Unprecedented solar eclipse.

Clip- sets up stuff.

Hagan vo: he sets up his satalite dildo and tells the world about this amazing miracle. Making sure to fill most of the screen himself.

Clip- to camera. Dub: ‘HEY MAW! Check it out! IM IN A GREENSCREEN!’

clip- bucks mates./ pic of triangle head.

Hagan vo: so bucks co-workers watch his daring report. One of them seems to be a distant relative of triangle head from rats.

Clip- buck woulda filmed hiroshima from ground zero.

Hagan: and stood in the way of the shot.

Clip- buck talks. Old man appears.

Hagan: ok. Thats random.

Clip- cameron reacts.

Hagan: careful there cameron. You almost did some acting.

Hagan vo: so with that the old man walks off into the night. And the fire. And the explosions. Theres israeli norad 20 feet away and no one thinks to save an old lunatic.

Clip- chicago.

Hagan: what? No 20’s style music while filling the entire screen with the sears tower to show your in chicago? Left behind your Losing your touch!

Clip- buck on tv.

Hagan vo: ahhhh kirk cameron on the news.

Hagan: in real life he only gets to do that if he says something really insane.

Clip- kirk cameron with his crocoduck.

Hagan: this guy is the star of the film!

Clip- always do as your told? You should try it some time.

Hagan: I hate that child. Its like jonathon lipnicki ate jake lloyd and was proud of it.

Clip- nose-ring.

Hagan: hmmm stock rebellious. Wears non pastel colours. Probably not a christian.

Clip- her listening to music.

Hagan vo: and yet she seems to voluntarily listen to christian pop music.

Clip- bucky barnes arrives.

Hagan: oh hai token black guy. Oh hai token black guys token black son.

The room. Clip.

Clip- talking.

HAGAN vo: the captain…. rayford steele is the other male lead of the film. He’s not a christian so in the eyes of the creators he’s clearly meant to be a horrible and unhappy person. He’s also having an affair with a stewardess.

Hagan: but nothing comes of that because she’s played by kirk camerons wife and contractually they can only do kissing scenes together, even when one of thems not actually in the film. Thats not a joke.

Fireproof- kissing scene. Sub- kirk cameron and wife as kissing double.

Clip- orgasmo. STUNT COCK!

Clip- buck going to meet dirk.

Hagan vo: so kirks character- buck meets up with someone called dirk.

Hagan: the inexplicable names just don’t stop coming.

Clip- meeting.

Hagan vo: so buck meets up with dirk and for a paranoid informant who knows about the bigger conspiracy and is feeding info to the male lead… he’s no jerry hardin as deep throat.

Clip- dirk burton being a weirdo.

Hagan: needs to be a bit more crazy but can anyone else see him filling in for glenn beck?

Clip- carpathia on tv.

Hagan vo: we’re now introduced to a romanian politician called nicolai carpathia who’s trying to bring peace to the world and end hunger.

Hagan: thats the most obvious villain name since Darkheart Rapesbabies. And I made that up. So that’s the most obvious villain name ever. And because he’s trying to bring about world peace but he’s not a fundamentalist christian he must be the antichrist.

Clip- london.

Hagan vo: That’s a shitty imitation canadian castle! that’s not london!

CLIP- goodies. Snow white 2. wont someone show me the way to london town. Its over there.

Hagan: that’s london!

Clip- carpathia and all talking.

Hagan vo: carpathia talks to an evilamerican banker that we’re supposed to think is his boss. They talk about rebuilding the temple of solomon. Because thats what evil american bankers who live in fake castles in fake london talk about. Rebuilding temples in israel. (sings- ride valkyries) Dram-dram-draaaama-dram-dram-draaama- dram-dram-dram-draaaama!

Clip- kirk cameron looks over balcony.

Hagan vo: afraid that the film has reached its contractually obligated amount of pointless shots, the director has kirk cameron stand there… and then walk away.

Clip- flight.

Hagan vo: so we’re suddenly in a plane. The Rayford steele is the captain. Oh god, Captain steele..

Hagan: which should be the name of a superhero.

Pic- photo shop. CAPTAIN STEELE!

Hagan vo: and kirk cameron is using some search engine unlike any in the real world.

Clip- people on flight.

Hagan vo: fun fact, half the extras in this scene are evangelical ministers. They paid to play people who are raptured. that’s the religious equivalent of paying a hooker for kinky fantasy role playing. But not actually having sex with them.

Hagan: which is a silly analogy because as evangelical ministers statistically speaking most of their sex will actually come from prostitutes.

Clip- stewardess. And buck.

Hagan vo: as I mentioned earlier the stewardess is mrs kirk cameron. Obviously they were attracted to each others lack of ability to act while someone else is speaking.

Hagan: im kirk cameron! Im an actor! not a re-actor!

Clip- talking about job in the un.

Hagan: how the fuck does a tall-haired dipshit get a fucking stewardess a job at the fucking UN?! What the fuck will she be doing? Serving drinks in 50 different languages?!

Clip- stewardess and captain.

Hagan vo: oooh. More connections between the main characters. How thrilling.

Clip- women’s husband vanished.

Hagan: yeah most rapture believers think their gonna leave their clothes behind… rapture believing Christians.. YOU’RE FUCKING WEIRD!

LEARNED MINION: in Leviticus 19:19 it says that gods not fond of fabric blends. Maybe if its a single fabric it gets into heaven.

HAGAN: Stop trying to make sense of their madness!

CLIP- OTHER PEOPLE HAVE VANISHED.

HAGAN VO: So a bunch of other people on the flight have vanished.

Hagan: I think he was flying religious lunatic air. He’s just lucky they didn’t try to sacrifice a faultless red heffer when they took off.

Hagan vo: its amazing that none of the people who complain about their loved ones being gone use the person name. Its always ‘my husband’, ‘my wife’, ‘my children’

hagan: almost as though becoming one with god retroactively destroyed their individuality.

Clip- people freaking out

hagan vo: so people begin to freak out

clip: theres something on the wing! (twilight zone)

clip- theres nobody flying the plane! (another gay movie)

clip- freak out

hagan vo: and because no one can break a fucking nail on a plane in a movie without someone trying to open the door. someone of course someone tries to open the door. But its OK because buck and captain adamantium get to be damn heroic together and save the day.

Clip- landed.

Hagan vo: so the plane has landed at o’hare international and theres an army of scared, worried people who are missing friends family and even their children. But its ok because the one who caused this scene- god. Loves you!

HGAAN: Rapture believing Christians… you’re fucking weird!

Clip- dog.

Hagan vo: theres even a dog looking for its owner.

Hagan: to anyone out there who actually does believe in the rapture. Do you have pets? And if so why the fuck?! You believe that at any moment you will scooped up into heaven and your pets dog or cat will be left without you. Possibly locked inside and have to slowly starve to frikkin’ death! Animal cruelty is only to be done deliberately, in italy or when its funny!

Clip- buck walking.

Hagan vo: having said all that about the terror and the worry. Half the extras look either stoned or like they don’t give a shit.

Hagan: my, a lot of atheists were flying that day.

Clip- captain house. Buck followed.

Hagan vo: so captain aluminium arrives home to find his wife and son have been raptured

hagan: like the good little glee-bots they are.

Clip- find bible.

Hagan: throws bible in dramatic expression of anger in 3-2-1.

clip- throws.

Clip- buck outside.

Hagan vo: kirk cameron followed the captain home decides to sit on the porch.

Hagan: because while he’s an international celeb, news media sensation and award winning reporter he has no friends or acquaintances in chicago. Fuck, even I know someone who lives in chicago!

Clip- night time. Army arrive.

Hagan vo: so its night time and kirk cameron is still standing out in the cold when the army arrive and force him into captain titaniums house.

Clip- daughter arrives.

Hagan vo: so there’s a bunch of tv clips that indicate that the makers of this film believe that the un is a completely separate organisation that controls whole countrys, that answers to no one and is bent on world domination and not just a talking house for different countries, and only as powerful as those countries allow it to be.

Clip-un. sub- international politics. You’re doing it wrong!

Clip- daughter sits on sofa.

Hagan vo: so even though the army are forcing people into random houses because theres martial law and a curfew captain nickels daughter arrives home without even a bullet in her head and sits on kirk camerons feet.

Clip- buck williams why are you on my sofa.

Hagan: if I came home and found kirk cameron squatting on my sofa id kill him with a lamp and search the fridge for ray comfort infestations. Ray Comfort operates a lot like rorsach.

Clip- she cries.

Hagan vo: so she cries about her brother and mum. Dram-dram-dram-drama-dramma! etc (sung, ride of the Valkyries drama singing)

clip- kirk and pilot.

Hagan vo: so kirk cameron indulges in his boring and pointless investigative plot… where he’s… investigating something that I’m still not clear on and iv watched this shit 3 times.

Hagan: once for a laugh. Once for notes taking and one for writing this review. And if anyone wants to to try and explain it to me after this goes up… fuck off, I have a machete.

Hagan vo: he then pays a loud-mouthed pilot to taker him back to new york. Or rather somewhere in cananda pretending to be new york. He finds dirk burton dead and survives a pretty… bad assassination attempt.

Hagan: the assassin thought he could kill buck and wipe incriminating evidence from a pc by shooting the monitor. There isn’t a word in any language to express how much fail this is. Except… fail.

HAGAN VO: You know, iv just realised that somewhere along the line this review stopped being ‘funny’ and starting being…. revenge. Angry, vitriolic revenge…. and I’m almost sorry. But just taking the piss out of this almost feels affectionate…. and it deserves far worse…. so… to get some laughs.

HAGAN: MINION!

Minion enters.

Hagan hands them the gun.

Hagan: shoot yourself in the head.

Minion is unsure.

Hagan; I’ll give you tomorrow off if you shoot yourself in the head.

Minion shoots self in the head quickly.

Hagan: there! VIOLENCE IS FUNNY!

Clip- captain and priest.

Hagan vo: so captain platinum meets up with the token black guy who’s bitching because although he was a priest he remains unraptured. They watch a tape from another pastor, made to be played in the event that the rapture happened and he was proved to not be completely insane.

Hagan: its one long nah-nah-nah-nah! In flowery language. Sorta like the way ‘i’ll pray for you’ is code for fuck you, you unbelieving, un-differential cunt!’

clip- outside the un.

Hagan vo: meanwhile at the UN…

hagan: actually no. that’s not the UN because those are not country flags.

Clip- outside the un.

Hagan vo: any of those look like country flags? no.

clip- carptahia and science-beard.

Hagan vo: so mr science-beard is now important enough to hang out with the antichrist. Carpathia shows him that regardless of what all the evidence says the temple of solomon wasn’t built where the dome of the rock is but instead beside it.

Hagan: why is this important? Because the rapture types believe that in order for the end times to happen the temple must be rebuilt and not even they are dumb enough to believe that the muslims would let it be rebuilt on the rock. God wiping out hundreds of planes- fine that’s faith. God changing the mind of crazy muslims?

CLIP- DOGMA, THATS JUST PLAIN GULLIBILITY.

Clip- carpathia

hagan vo: the Antichrist is played by a guy called gordon currie. Iv never seen him in any other role but this and he plays it like tim curry in congo attempting to be james bond.

Clip- the stewerdess comes to seduce captain.

Hagan vo: so the stewardess arrives to seduce captain bronze. Look at the actresses face- she’s obviously uncomfortable and finding it incredibly difficult to play a woman with a sex life.

Hagan: its not that hard to play someone diametrically opposed to yourself. Take a look.

Cut to hagan acting. On box.

hagan: Im a shy, small voiced short and non violently inclined meek person who loves people in black masks, is greatly enjoying left behind and understands subtlty. Oh and I love the cock.

Back to hagan: . Yasee?!

Clip-stewerdess, capt and daughter

hagan vo: unfortunately for the stewardess the captain is now a Christian so she runs off. captain iron immediately begins proselytising to his daughter.

Hagan: lovely. She gets rid of her religious nutjob mum and brother and now shes got a religious nutjob dad.

Clip- she reads bible.

Hagan vo: she reads the bible and joins the collective- from this moment on loses the noise ring, drops her semblance of a personality and starts wearing pastels.

Clip- meeting in a pub.

Hagan vo: because he’s in the middle of that pointless investigative plot that im still unable to follow kirk Cameron meets up with… some guy… who then dies in a car bombing.

Hagan: byebye whoever you were…

clip- reaction shot.

Hagan vo: I love the fact that after kirk was thrown backwards he holds his ankle and has blood coming from his thigh.

Confused hagan is confused.

Clip- kirk cameron to steels house. Then church.

Hgaan vo; so kirk cameron limps all the way to the captains house in the suburbs of chicago

hagan: that isn’t as dumb as it could have been as the car bombing did happen in chicago. But still… limping to the suburbs! I’ve been to chicago, the suburbs are… pretty far away the carbombings!

Clip- then church.

Hagan vo; instead of a hospital the new Christian zombies take him to a church where they show him the tape.

Clip- ring. Sadakos tape.

Hagan: I wish.

Clip- pastor billings.

Hgaan vo: no its the nya-na-nanananana! Tape. Luckily kirk cameron manges to remain somewhat rational.

Clip- I admit this stuff is compelling. And scary.

Hagan: Minion! Facepalm!

MINION leaves screen and returns with something to stand on. Gets on box by hagan, raises hand to infront of hagans face. She facepalms.

Clip- this stuff is compelling.

Hagan: actually no… thats not enough… Jimmy, do you have anything to say to this asshole?

CLIP- THISS TUFF IS COMPLELLING

CLIP- HEY! DONT GIVE ME ANY SHT!

Hagan: thanks.

Clip- kirk cameron getting into the un.

Hagan vo: so kirk goes to the non-UN and through the only ex-stewardess to walk the halls of power he gets in to see science-beard and the antichrist and quickly realises he is in fact the antichrist.

Hagan: forcing kirk cameron to try and act.

Clip- kirk cameron trying to act. In toilet.

Hagan: Kirk Cameron crying… this is a lovely image…

hgan vo: (excited) yes kirk cameron, your worlds shattered, creationisms still not taught in schools, yes. Yes, yes..cry! Cry! Bananas were made the way they are by humans! Yes! Cry! You made up the crocoduck! Yes! Yes! Cry! Yo’ve ot been in success since the early 90’s. Cry! Cry! Yes!

Cut to hagans face. Embarrassed.

Hagan raises hands.

HAGAN: I wasnt. Not that it isnt…. almost worth… masturbating too… Minion, masturbate to this image.

Minion doesnt want to

HAGAN: Do it!

MINION puts hand below shot. Cries and Imitates masturbation. Cut between hagan smiling and minion crying and kirk cameron crying. Sound of liquidy explosion.

Cut back to hagan and minion. minion mask is covered in sticky white stuff.

Minion: may I go clean up mistress?

Hagan: yes. thank you minion.

Minion walks off.

KIRK CAMERON CRYING.

Hagan: Does he actually think he can act?! fuck this (pulls out phone) I’m gonna ask him myself.

Clip- star-ving. Dub on ‘please god let this not be diamanda hagan again’

hagan: Hi Kirk… fucker turned his phone off again!

Clip- kirk in un chambers.

Hagan vo: so kirk joins the UN inner chambers (sub- complete with villain lighting!) and the antichrist give a villain speech and shoots the 2 guys who financed him for… some reason and then brainwashes everyone into thinking that one killed the other and then committed suicide.

Hagan: surely if he can brainwash people like that he could have made one kill the other and then commit suicide. Rather than have all that fingerprint and dna evidence pointing at him.

Hagan vo: the memory is the least important bit of evidence in an investigation. It doesn’t matter if everyone thinks that guy committed suicide, he shot him and the physical evidence will clearly show that.

Hagan: this makes no sense!

Hagan vo: and why the hell are a couple of american bankers who live in a fake castle in fake london who want to build a temple in israel in what is supposed to be a top secret meeting between representatives at the un? And why shoot them?! And why give a villain speech before you kill them if your going to wipe everyone’s minds?! and why does the UN crest look fucking weird?!… and…

hagan: WHY ISNT THIS OVER YET?!

Clip- ending.

Hagan vo: so the brainwashing didn’t work on kirk because of… magic and he goes off to hang out with the rest of the borg in chicago.

Hagan: there are worse places to hang out. There’s an awesome pizza place near the train station in chicago.

Clips-

hagan vo: so… left behind. It was slow, stupid, boring, crap, insulting and worst of all the most ethically bankrupt film iv ever reviewed. Yes id rather a child was raised on the messages contained in ilsa she wolf of the ss than on this. Its just warped. AND STUPID! And you know what?

Hagan: if you believe in the rapture do not drive. You think you could be taken at any time. What do you think will happen if your driving when it happens? YOU’LL END UP KILLING people. KILLING people AND SENDING THEM TO HELL. Because everyone left on earth after the rapture are not a Christian and therefore not going to heaven. So please- don’t drive. Put your money where your mouth is and act as though you both believe the shit you say you believe and have decency to not want to send innocent people to hell.

A beat.

Hagan: and one more thing! Now, I’m not the most ethical person out there.

A Beat.

HAGAN: stop laughing. I’ll prove it. Minion. Cunnilingus time.

2 minions off to side. One MINION comes in kneels down in front of HAGAN.

A FEW BEATS.

Hagan takes out guns, shoots MINION and cums.

HAGAN: I like the spazzing movements the mouth makes as the bullet enters their nervous system.

A beat.

Hagan: now. I wouldn’t do anything as fucked up as the god of this film. Never! At least when I kill my minions their dead! Tell the god of this film you don’t love him and he’ll torture you forever! That’s horrible!… god of this movie… when your out-moral’d by someone who just shot someone while they going down on them because the like the feeling of the person dying while pleasuring them… you’re pretty fucked up. In fact.. Id make a better god than you.

Cut to other minion. MINION enters. Whispers into hagans ear.

HAGAN: You’re right! I am a god. I AM a better god than the one in this film! WORSHIP ME!

MINION worships.

HAGAN: Jesus took 3 days to come back to life. Lets see how long it takes me!

Hagan shoots self in the head.

The review
http://blip.tv/diamanda-hagan-lecher-bitch/diamanda-hagan-review-02-02-left-behind-4030636

The Flubs/ Behind the Scenes
http://blip.tv/diamanda-hagan-lecher-bitch/flubs-left-behind-review-4124279

Scripts- The Man from Hong Kong

This is one of the movies I knew I wanted to review since the start. Right when I first decided to do a review show I came accross the documentary ‘Not Quite Hollywood’ which introduced me to Ozsploitation. Thanks to it I got a bunch of films and several ended up on my to-review list (even if only 2 have been done so far).

In the early days I was trying to do a Brian Trenchard-Smith film every season. I stopped with s3 because I decided that Dead End Drive-in wouldn’t make a good ep. I might go back to it sometime though.

I went into this energised because Id recently become the hottest thing on the TGWTG forum due to the Land Before Time 8 review. I think I did okay, I was still quite popular after it went up.

This was the first ep I sent to TGWTG and got me my first rejection from them. Somewhere between this and Faust my show became good enough to pick up. Any idea why?

I wrote parts of the the first half of s2 in a hotel room in london when all I had was a dvd layer, some films and a big note pad. It was fun.

Lastly, watch out for the Avatar of Decent Humours original name too…

The man from hong kong

Whether you like it or not…

HAGAN: Greetings gentle viewers to series 2 of the Diamanda Hagan reviews! To celebrate this unique and perfect moment in history I shall execute 7,000 slaves…. offscreen. (Looks off screen. off screen screams)its a pity that none of you can see the amazing industry of death set up just out of the range of the camera. Its amazing. Unfortunately it will have to exist only in your minds eye.

MINION: We could move the camera, Mistress.

HAGAN: No! We cant!

MNINION: It is easy mistress! I will just..

HAGAN: Touch that camera, move it there and you will DIE!

MINION: but Its just a wall mistress.

MINION stays still. Looks scared. A beat later HAGAN shoots him dead. HAGAN sheepishly looks back to the camera.

HAGAN: Now the movie! Tonight we go back to the year 1975 and the work of the director BrianTrenchardsmith…

Pic- brian trenchard smith. Operatic epic music. Possibly conan.

HAGAN: The guy who made turkey shoot.

Clip- turkey shoot.

HAGAN: This is Australian Chop-socky, this is the MAN FROM HONG KONG…… bitches…

clip- man from hong kong.

Clip- open on ayers rock.

HAGAN vo: We open on Ularu, or Ayers rock as you crazy white imperialists like to call it. Why there?

HAGAN: Because australia has like 2 landmarks that anyone outside of there gives a shit about.

Clip- time lapse. Morning.

HAGAN VO: we seem to get a time lapse shot of dawn over the rock. But with real-time time jungle sounds.

HAGAN: Proof that light travels faster than sound, I guess.

Clip- thin young john cleese with bag

HAGAN VO: thin-young-john cleese is a criminal there to exchange bags with triad-guy-younger-sammo-hung.

Clip- the bags.

HAGAN VO: Very very conspicuous bags.

Clip- roger ward.

Hagan vo: luckily there’s an equally conspicuous cop there to take pictures of them.

Hagan: if anyone involved was slightly competent then the others would be at his mercy.

Clip- ward.

Hagan vo: the conspicuous cop is played by… ROGER WARD (Fanfare) the badass australian actor who by this point in his career… hasn’t yet worked out that a shaved head and moustache is his ideal look.

Clip- sammo hung.

Hagan vo: besides being a member of the triad sammo hung is guilty of a much more heinous crime-

HAGAN: One day starring in martial law!

Clip- john cleese spots roger ward.

Hagan vo: thin-young-john cleese spots roger ward and we hear… 70’s action music!

Clip- action. Ward and hung.

Hagan vo: roger ward chases sammo hung up the rock… hey!

HAGAN: Thats not one rock, that’s… many rocks! What a gyp!

MINION: Its made of sandstone.

HAGAN: What?

MINION: The rock is made of sandstone. It wears down and breaks apart. Its still one rock. Just bits have fallen off…

HAGAN: Well it should be protected by the aboriginal-fucking-gods then shouldnt it?!

MINION: I don’t know…

A beat. Uncomfy.

MINION: Maybe you should just watch the film.

HAGAN: I will!

Clip- fighting on the top.

Hagan vo: ward and hung kick the crap out of each other on the top of the rock.

HAGAN: given that its a religious site. I wonder how this scene woulda played out at the kabaa.

Pic- still from fight editted into pic of the kabaa.

Hagan: probably very badly.

Pic- angry islamic protestors. With ‘behead those who photoshop fight-scenes onto the kaaba!’

hagan: yeah. Like that.

Clip- fighting., ward wins.

HAGAN VO: Because this is one of the few films where a large, muscular white guy can defeat an asian martial arts expert in one on one combat sammo is soon defeated.

Clip- who sent you? Hung answers. Yeah and I love you too.

Clip- music.

HAGAN: 70’s…. rock… anthem….

CUT TO HAGAN flanked by 2 minions. Hagan lipsynches to the song. The minions use tennis rackets as guitars. Intercut with the opening.

Clip- handgliding.

HAGAN VO: So we’re in hong kong and someone’s handgliding about.

HAGAN: now thats a Chekovs handglider if ever iv seen one.
Clip- lands.

Hagan vo: the glider lands in the middle of the grounds of the hong kong police special branch training ground. Allowing the user- a brunette from Australia to become the first notch on star- jimmy wang yu’s bedpost.

Clip- do you often take white girls to bed? Only on tuesdays and thursday.

Hagan: im quite sure that is going to be the source of an ongoing joke this review.

Clip- airport.

Hagan vo: so jimmy wang-yu goes to australia to pick up sammo hung.

Hagan: but before he gets on the plane we get some truly weird ‘airline travel’ music.

Clip- jimmy looking over pix of sammo. (DUB- mmmm fat chinese guy in black and white. Must be Sunday) closes file (DUB- no im on business)

clip- arrives. Handshakes.

Hagan vo: so jimmy wang-yu meets up with roger ward and the aptly named Sargent grosse.

Clip- fancy a cup of tea? Little cafe

HAGAN VO: So they go to a little cafe at the sydney fucking opera house.

Hagan: the other australian landmark that people in the rest of the world give a shit about

HAGAN VO: Now this just annoys me. The obviousness of the landmark placement. sydney airport is ten fucking miles from sydney!

HAGAN: I looked it up.

HAGAN VO: and then theres driving in sydney and parking near the opera house… why not just take him to a fucking pub near the police station!… Seriously. Film makers of the future, please don’t feel the need to put landmarks in your film. I believe that you filmed where you filmed. I don’t need it proven by pointless shots of landmarks.

Hagan: if anything… your protesting too much… and looking a little insecure. As though you could only afford to film in south africa, with 2 days in australia for pickups….

Clip- prison. Oi! Vistor for you!

HAGAN VO: So the australian police have put relations with asia back decades by locking their only chinese prisoner in a zoo.

Clip- taking sammo to room.

Hagan vo: jimmy decides to interrogate sammo by himself.

Clip- fight. Cut to pool.

HAGAN: Nice cut! Lets look at that again!

Clip- fight- pool.

HAGAN: That’s brilliant. Breaking the balls to…breaking the balls……… one more time!

Clip- star trek. Naked time. ONE MORE TIME!

Clip- fight-pool.

HAGAN (giggles):

clip- fighting.

Hagan vo: so Jimmy keeps up the ‘interrogation’

hagan: I think jimmy wang-yu might have worked for the US forces in iraq.

Clip- fight.

Hagan vo: and eventually he ‘interrogates’ the guys head into the toilet.

Hagan: which I… kind of hope he flushed first.

Clip- talking. Cops.

Hagan vo: so sammo hung reveals he’s working for the terror of the asian underworld, a giant of international crime, the man so feared that few who know his name live!

Clip- whilton.

HAGAN VO: GEORGE LAZENBY!

Clip- george lazenby- KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE. I SAY THIS BUILDING IS UNSAFE!

Clip- driving to the court. Grant page.

HAGAN VO: So they take sammo to court to get him extradited back to china. Unfortunately gonzo-stunt-legend grant page has got himself a sniper rifle and is sitting on the roof of the building across the street.

Clip- dead.

Hagan: bit of a crap sniper. Free shot. Time to set up and all he got was one of sammo’s man-boobs. But given that this is his day job.

Clip- grant stunt work.

HAGAN: I;’ll let him off.

Clip- chase.

Hagan vo: jimmy wang yu chases after grant page. Its filled with thrills and unnecessary things like like jimmy knocking a man off a ladder.

Clip- motorbike. Kick. (DUB ON ‘tetsuo!’)

clip- fight chinese

hagan vo: they finally face off in a Chinese restaurants kitchen. Grant page gets his trousers split and shows off his

clip- still. Dub on CONDORPANTS!

HAGAN VO: and Jimmy fondles another mans balls…
HAGAN: Seeing a pattern

clip- fighting in restaurant.

Hagan vo: the flight spills out into the restaurant and…

clip- kick to the balls.

Hagan: the balls again! The south may rise again, but this guy never will.

Clip- fighting. Benny hill.

Hagan vo: so after the longest, silliest fight this side peter versus the chicken the thing that finally kills the assassin is a bottle broken over his head and ending up slightly damp.
Clip- walk and talk.

Hagan vo: jimmy wang yu and the 2 cops talk about the identity of the late assassin, how he worked for whilton.

Hagan: aka… GEORGE LAZENBY!

Clip- I say this building is unsafe!

Clip- walk and talk.

Hagan vo: just had a thought. If they remade this today.. how about phillip gleinster as roger ward. Jack black as sargent gross and tony jaa as jimmy wang-yu. Call it the man from bangkok.

Clip- whilton.

Hagan vo: So we cut to george lazenby who is recovering well from his tom-sellickoplasty and ready to let his stunt man kick the crap out of a group of mixed martial arts experts.

Clip- fight. Seeing whilton.

hagan vo: having established that lazenby can beat up his henchmen the film now lets the heroes go and visit him.

Clip- chatting. Jimmy wang yu breaks in.

hagan vo: so jimmy breaks in, and then breaks the fingers of lazenbys receptionist.

HAGAN: Least subtle investigation. Ever.

Clip- madam im adam. Cutting building in half.

Hagan: ok. Second least subtle.

Clip- grosse yelling.

HAGAN VO: Sargent Gross is not happy with Jimmys methods.

CLIP- this is australia mate! (this is sparta!) Not the 55 days of peking! Hey! Dont give me any shit!

Hagan laughs

hagan: I love that line, the way he says it. You can put it after anything.

Clip- full metal jacket/ hey dont give me any shit!

Clip- Mary poppins/ hey dont give me any shit!

Clip- its a fake/ hey dont give me any shit!

Clip- christ you dirty beasts, thats why our water gets
poluted/ hey dont give me any shit!

Clip- guys at jimmyd bedroom.

Hagan vo: george lazenby sends some goons to kill jimmy.

Clip- jimmy answers door. (Dub: 2 chinese men! With knives! But its wednesday!)

clip- training.

Hagan vo: after beat ting the his attackers up jimmy partakes in some oddly arty training footage. And sees a pigeon. (DUB- A pigeon.. I wish it was monday…)

clip- talking on phone.

hagan vo: wishing he could have sex with the pigeon reminded him that its thursday. A white women day and so goes to see the hanglider from earlier on in the hope of getting some.

Clip- jimmy ‘im lookin for a man’

HGAAN: But jimmy its a thursday! You’ll have to wait until tomorrow!

Clip- lazenby arrows.

Hagan vo: so lazenby is doing his william tell routine and the handglider woman brings jimmy to meet him.

Hagan: there’s an instant attraction…

clip- shots of jimmy and lazenby. Add on dirty dancing music.
Hagan: lazenby seems to be a weird mix of racist and an asianophile..

Clip- I understand your language, culture etc…. I never met a chinese that didnt have a streak of yellow.

Clip- fighting.

Haganvo: so they fight., its not that interesting.

HAGAN: Neither of the actors are actual martial artists. They just pretended and used stunt men so your not missing much.

Clip- jimmy wang yu. Not quite hollywood.

Hagan vo : the star of this film is jimmy WANG yu. A man who according to the film ‘not quite hollywood’- was racist, beat up the director while he filmed his cameo, narrowly avoided being assaulted by roger ward and would eat flies before he had kissing scenes. So yeah Jimmy WANG Yu was aptly named..

HAGAN: Because He was a real knob! (laughs)

a beat.

HAGAN standing. Pleased with self. Spirit of decent humour arrives. Smacks hagan on head. Knocked over.

SPIRIT OF DECENT HUMOUR: I told you to stop making bad jokes!

HAGAN (ON FLOOR): Didn’t I burn you?

Flashback to memory run.

SPIRIT: You think mere fire can destroy me- the spirit of decent humour?! While those who profane humour live, I live! And you profane it… a lot… but… no more…

HAGAN and SPIRIT stare at each other. Dramatic music.

HAGAN shoots the SPIRIT. It falls dead. HAGAN gets up, speaks to a MINION. Who takes notes.

HAGAN: burn that, grind it up, feed it to dogs, kill the dogs, shred them, feed them to smaller dogs, take their faeces, desecate it, burn it, take the ashes, mix them with cement and finally sow the area with salt!

MINIOn looks over the notes. Thinking

A Beat.

MINION: Burn that?

HAGAN (sigh): yes… burn that.

Clip- martial arts school

HAGAN VO: the fight scene ended as pointlessly as it began and later that night jimmy decides to break into a martial arts training school that lazenby owns.

Clip- beats up trenchard smith.

HAGAN: This is getting ridiculous. Seriously, wouldnt this cause an international incident? Someone working for the govt of hong kong breaks into australian businesses? And assaults australian citizens who work there? Wouldnt this cause severe friction between the two nations?

Clip- smith. Alarm.

HAGAN VO: He pulls the minion alarm ans they come running

Clip- mrtial artists run in. add an alarm. Either star trek sone or someone screaming ‘miiiinions! Miniiiiiions!’

clip- fighting.

Clip- punches a guy in the nuts.

hagan: another groin hit! Fucking hell, he’s the real life cock puncher!

Clip- cock puncher.

Clip- fighting and escape.

Hagan vo: so jimmy decides that 30 guys with bladed weapons is too much for him and runs.

HAGAN: Bruce Lee, Tony Jaa or Mas Oyama would have stayed. They would have made their enemies bleed. They would have made them feel fear.

Clip- he’s saved by some kids in a van.

HAGAN: Luckily not the kids from children of the living dead

clip- abbot hayes! Crash.

Clip- take him to vet

hagan vo: the kids take jimmy to a vet.

Hagan: no comment.

Clip- jimmy recuperating.

HAGAN VO: So jimmy re-cooperates and falls in love with one of the kids.

Clip- montage. Can I make love to you? I think I could stand the pain.

Hagan: in the cheesiest and least subtle way possible.

Clip- mmm this is nice. What did you expect, accupuncture?

Clip- transformers the movie ‘this is bad comedy’

Clip- Sargent grosse and the handglider woman.

HAGAN VO: In order to convince the audience that she has a point in the film sargent grosse goes to see the handglider woman.

Clip- small population and he’s getting through them very fast.

HAGAN: Yeah. He’s killed something like 12% already.

Clip- cars.

Hagan vo: lazenby sends his elite driving team to kill jimmy.

HAGAN: In rather crappy looking vehicles…

clip- her dead. Him pissed.

HAGAN VO: The woman he just met and just fell in love with dies in the crash and he decides to get his vengeance on.

Clip- gets into car. Driver.

Hagan vo: so they drive. Drive-drive-drive. Drive. Boom. Drive-drive-drive… drive-drive-drive. SMASH! Driiiiiiive-drive-drive. BOOM!

Clip-roger ward and sargent gross inspect some of the damage done by jimmy in the car chase.

Hagan vo: roger ward and Sargent gross inspect some of the damage done by jimmy in the car chase. Why? It gives gross a chance to show off his prototype fessick the giant look.

Clip- princess bride. Fessick.

Clip- handgliding.

Hagan vo: jimmy goes to see the handgliding woman and borrows the glider form the start of the film and uses it to get into george lazenbys penthouse on the top floor of a skyscraper.

HAGAN: I knew it. Chekovs handglider.

CLIP- GETS INTO THE PENTHOUSE.

HAGANVO: So jimmy and lazenby face off. The sub-bruce lee versus the worst james bond. Bad acting versus bad acting. Able stuntman versus able stuntman.

Clip- fighting. Jimmy hits lazenby. (dub: tHATS FOR THE RETURN OF THE MAN FROM UNCLE! THATS FOR GAME OF DEATH! THATS FOR HER MAJESTYS SECRET SERVICE!

Clip- safe

Hagan vo: so while lazenby is napping jimmy takes a look in the safe. Its filled with enough munitions to blow up a skyscraper.

HAGAN: Which of course it will end up doing:)

hagan vo: jimmy arranges for lazenby to have one of the funnier deaths in film history.

Clip- attaches grenade. Pin comes out. Locks him in safe. Escapes. What do you do for an encore? Booooom!

HAGAN: and like I said earlier, jimmy is a operative of the hong kong govt he has been beating up austrlian citizens, killing them, speeding, stealing cars, destroying property and now has bombed one of their skyscrapers. Would it be inconceivable to see something like this in the next few days?

CLIP- DAY TODAY. WAR SKIT.

HAGAN: So that was the man from hong kong. Far from my favourite chopsocky film- that’s fist of fury but a solid bit of action from brian-trenchard smith. Its one of the great films that never was. Originally it was supposed to star bruce lee. I can just imagine how brilliant that would have been. Alas we were left with jimmy wang yu, who can be best described as… not bruce lee… I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day…

Scripts- Resident Evil review

This episode was written as an April Fools where Teddy would play Hagan. We werent going to mention that until right at the end when originally scripted I’d come out as Aleister and ask Hagan if she lost weight. Alas Teddy had trouble remembering the to-camera parts of the review and after several hours we gave up and eventually I re-tooled it as a basic Hagan review.

We used the fact he had makeup on as the basis for the intro to the Bosco review. That ep had been written and I had it on me but filming it that night was a last minute thing. Iv lost the Bosco script unfortunately.

This is probably my least favourite episode of Hagan, the films not a Hagan review film, the skits were cut for time and Im not convinced its any good.

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

HAGAN: Greetings gentle viewers and welcome to a very special between the series review. A Request from Owen. Tonight we watch…a piece of torture equipment, used mainly in conjunction with pliers, the rack and the bronze bull. I give you…

MINION Whispers in hagans ear.

HAGAN (shocked): Its NOT a piece of torture equipment?! Jeezus Really?… (back on track) this is resident evil(shaking head) fucking hell (pulls out microphone)

SOMEONE TIED TO CHAIR. IN FRONT OF RESIDENT EVIL.

HAGAN (VO ANNOUNCEMENT): Resident evil is technically not torture. Untie him and put him in the iron maiden instead.

MINION unties him.

SOMEONE: Thank you! Thank you!

HAGAN (puts microphone away): Anyway. As I was saying. This is resident evil.

cllip- resident evil.

CLIP- UMBRELLA CORP. details of umbrella corp. what they are known for. What they really do.
HAGAN: Ok. First of all.

HAGAN VO:If 9 out of 10 homes have its products AND it? the world leading supplier of Computer tech, medical products AND healthcare but its wealth is generated by military tech, genetic experiments and viral weaponry then…

HAGAN: economics, your doing it wrong! Do these people realise how much money is made in computer tech, medical products and health care?! No?!… neither do I but its a fuck load.
A Beat

HAGAN: And if the people who work for umbrella have no idea what they make and do they fucking employ monkeys?! Have they a legion of nameless, brainless, organ donors ?!… have they been using my minion banks

Clip- room in darkness. LAB.

HAGAN VO: Theres a room inside a black hole and someone in a hazard suit is working some robotic arms. You can tell this is the present day- the hazard suit is white. He is stealing some rather nifty paperweights.

HAGAN: Id love one of those for my desk. Its big, black and screams ?eath-dealing-mistress-of-destruction-but-approachableand that paperweight would really off-set the skulls.

Clip- guy throws paperweight. Closes door.

HAGAN VO: So the guy chucks the paperweight and leaves the room.

HAGAN: Ahh they want us to wonder about the identity of the paperweight destroying madman. That? a twist.

Clip- gas from the smashed paperweight.

HAGAN vo: I guess what was in it was extremely hot no wonder they kept it locked up.

HAGAN: I want one even more. Easily smashable, extremely hotjust imagine the fun I could have with that!

Skit- HAGAN behind a door. Head around doorway.

HAGAN: Minion come in here!

MINION ENTERS. Closes door.

HAGAN voice: Want to see something funny?

MINION: Yes.

Sound of glass smashing. Minion screams. Sound of flame. HAGAN laughs.
Clip- Gas in air.

Hagan vo: alas its not extremely hot just an unoriginal special effect representing a virus in the air. The dogs that are locked up immediately begin to bark.

HAGAN: these dogs can smell a virus in the air. And they want to attack it. I guess some sort of congratulations are in order, your secret genetic experiment labs full of guys who dont know what their doing have been very busy!

Clip- computer watching.

HAGAN VO: So the trusty sentient computer watches and discovers that the virus has been released. Why it had no idea that some guy stole the virus and broke it open before it got released I dont know. Maybe it can see but it cant hear.

HAGAN: Anyway like all hyper-intelligent computers who are faced with a virus that does nothing to the people who breathe it in unless they happen to die- then they turn into zombies, a virus whose cure is easily available in the same labs… the computer decides the best course of action is to kill everyone.

CLIP- OF COURSE!

Clip- killing.

Clip- dropping lift.

Clip- house haunted hill, lift ride.

HAGAN: Its a practical joker psycho computer! In many ways thats the best type.
Clip- woman tries to escape the lift. Nearly killed.

HAGAN: Oooh that nutty computer!

Clip- computer watching. Dub on sound- druscilla from buffy (bored now)

Clip- kills her.

HAGAN: The computer also decides to seal the doors to the base and doesnt send any messages to the outside world to let people know what has happened. Super intelligent computers! Willing to act like retards in order to allow the story to happen!

Clip- milla jovitch on ground.

HAGAN VO: So we cut to milla jovitch and…

HAGAN: Hey! PG Rated nudity!

Clip- mila jovitch.

HAGAN VO: So she’s lying on the floor of a shower, just waking up. Perhaps she’s been trying to forget seeing children of the living dead. Although the showers running she’s not wet.

HAGAN: Perhaps she just likes to stand naked and dry in the shower while she plays a sounds of the shower relaxation CD.

Clip- looking in mirror.

HAGAN VO: Mila jovitch has woken up with amnesia. This means she has flashbacks to her life that are both hyper-stylised AND not from her point of view.

Clip- looking around.

HAGAN VO: She looks around, not at all pleased even though she seems to live in a mansion.
Clip- find gun.

HAGAN: Ahhhh I stand corrected. Shes woken up in ted nugents house.

Clip- ted nugent.

HAGAN: Or perhaps the house of that couple in tremors.

Clip- mila jovitch in dress.

HAGAN VO: So mila jovitch has gone exploring and oh fuck…

HAGAN: Ladies and gentlemen and all those in between if you woke up with alone with amnesia, naked, would you choose a slinky, fuck-me dress to go exploring a big spooky mansion in?

Clip- frank n furter.

HAGAN: Ok. He might.

Clip- she goes outside. Hallway shortens…

Clip- lord of the rings. Get off the road!

CLIP- SHE RUNS INSIDE. PEOPLE ATTACK.

HAGAN: there were perfectly good doors…

HAGAN VO: By the music I guess we’re meant to be terribly excited by this scene. Riveting stuff.
Clip- I want your report. The housesprimary defences.

HAGAN: Primary defences? The sort of defences that let any random commando squad thats hanging around burst through its windows? Damn thats Efficient.

CLIP- SHES PROBLY STILL AFFECTED…

HAGAN: Oh the primary defence systems that make everyone inside the house go unconscious and wake up with no memory. Ya know, what? even worse…

Clip- talking. Ooh exciting.

HAGAN VO: The guy with a gun against his head is a local cop. Who… dropped in for some reason.

Clip- colin salmon reveals self.

HAGAN: Hey! Its colin salmon!… playing a.. badass… American… commando…

Clip- dr who- silence in the library. Dr moon.

HAGAN: No. Not seeing it.

Clip- michelle Rodriguez and guy blow me’

HAGAN: Oh I would love to michelle Rodriguez. But first a question for the audience- no matter how much she’s based her entire life and career on Vasquez from aliens HOW DOES A 16 YEAR OLD END UP IN AN ELITE COMMANDO TEAM?!

Clip- team on train.

HAGAN VO: Turns out the base and labs were miles underground and far from the mansion and are only accessible by a secret train link.

HAGAN: Makes you wonder exactly why they had guard dogs in the lab.

Clip- on train

HAGAN: And just to make things even dumber the base and labs where they build up all sorts of crazy viruses and genetic experiments is RIGHT UNDERNEATH A CITY.

Clip- on train.

HAGAN VO: The team find mila jovitchs husband. Take this as a commentary on their acting ability if you want- He went onto star in Rome and she ended up fucking the director of the film.

CLIP- CECIL B DEMENTED- I FUCK ALL MY DIRECTORS CECIL! I AM NOT ALL OF YOUR DIRECTORS!

Clip- at base.

HAGAN VO: The team have dragged the cop and their two amnesiacs with them as they go into the base to find out what happened and to destroy the computer for being mental. None of them are wearing masks or hazard suits even though there are serious bio weapons in the labs. There were no bio weapons in the mansion and they wore gasmasks in there.

Clip- red queen has locked onto us. She knows we’re here. Whos the red queen etc.

HAGAn: gotta love the psycho murdering computers dedication to the story over logic by not continuing its pattern and killing the team.

Clip- lets see how bad the flooding is.

HAGAN: The flooding looks pretty bad…

Clkip- what happened.

Hagan VO: So you don’t have a way to shut down a super intelligent AI that you calmly describe as having gone ‘homicidal’ from far away from it?

HAGAN: (points) You, you and you and everyone who is not mila jovitch and whoever is her love interest are going to die. I’m guessing the other one will not be michelle Rodriguez as this film is not interesting enough to have a love story between mila jovitch and a 16 year old female commando… Mores the fucking pity.

CLIP- HE GIVES HER COAT. ITS COLD IN HERE…

HAGAN: And she’s too dumb to dress appropriately.

Clip- guy stares at the grating.

HAGAN vo: the cop stares at a grating in a needlessly ominous way. This pointless moment has been brought to you by director paul Anderson.

Clip- them walking away. Close on zombie.

HAGAN: and she dramatically wakes up for a jump-scare in 3-2-1!

Clip- zombie wakes up.

Clip- supposed to be dining hall b. maybe they are keeping some secrets etc.

HAGAN: Oh no! they found the evil corporations SECRET DRY ICE FACTORY! (dramatic cord)

Clip- red queen chamber.

HAGAN VO: So the computer is called the red queen and they have reached its mainframe. But they have to walk though an ominous corridor to get there…

Clip- team in corridor. Music.

HAGAN: oooh danger music.

Clip- whats that? Laser.

HAGAN: I love that he asked that question before the laser appeared.

Clip- lasers. Kills woman.

HAGAN VO: The laser kills the woman and even though the wound is well and truly cauterised she still manages to bleed from the stump in her neck. So the lasers keep coming and before long…

Clip- kills colin salmon.

HAGAN: id say thats pretty cool but iv already seen cube.

Clip- cube.

HAGAN: Cube. When watching a film named after a shape. Accept no substitutes.

CLIP- LASERS AGAIN.

HAGAN VO: Im wondering. Why didnt the lasers just do that to begin with?

HAGAN: now think about this. We are watching a zombie film. Set in a secret genetic experiments lab and so far half the heroes have been killed by lasers!

Clip- frikking laser beams.

Clip- inner chamber.

HAGAN vo: so they set up an EMP device to destroy the computer.

Clip- red queen appears. Shes a holographic representation of the red queen.

HAGAN: Why the hell would you spend that sort of money on a hologram that almost no-one will see?!

Clip- power down.

HAGAN VO: the pulse pulses and the computer goes down cutting the power and opening all of the locked doors and releasing the zombies…

HAGAN: What the fuck sort of lock opens with such strength that the doors open when the power is cut?!

Clip- zombie.

Hagan vo: So yeah. There are zombies now.

CLIP- ZOMBIE BITES MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ.

HAGAN: Heh. I want to eat her too.

Clip- shoots zombie.

Clip- you shot me you a-hole (dr evil)

Clip- kills zombie. What was going on? Zombies body vanished.

HAGAN: (sigh) This might appear to be a dumb moment but I have real genuine footage of zombies that explode and vanish after being killed.

Clip- zsazsa.

HAGAN: I’m getting tired of covering for bad zombie movies. Resident evil, you owe me.
Zombie watching.

HAGAN: A zombie voyeur? Oooh fuck. Not more stealth zombies…

Clip- zombuies approach. Fighting.

HAGAN VO: zombies shamble in, they gun them down again I think its supposed to be exciting.

CLIP- LETS GO!

CLIP- ALIENS- MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!

HAGAN: Sorry I needed a clip from a film thats actually exciting to remind me I’m still alive.
Clip- thing explodes, fire. Fighting. Music- START A FIRE.

Clip- guy shoots and runs. Zombie falls over way to late to have been shot by him.

HAGAN (shocked): Holy crap. That was uwe boll level of incompetence!

Replay bit. Arrow on zombie that fell over too late.

HAGAN VO: How the hell did they not notice that?!

HAGN: I mean what the fuck?! HOW CAN THAT GET BY YOU! HOW DO YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT?! You stupid f-ing pieces of crap! (microphone) MINION!

MINION enters. HAGAN shoots MINION. MINION stands. MINION falls a second later.

HAGAN: So where were we? Oh yeah, the redshirts are going to the lift.

Clip- they get into the lift. Guy gets grabbed- HAHA. Add the adagio for strings over the slow mo death.

Clip- red queen chamber.

Hagan vo: so they run off and get into the mainframe and discuss how no-one seems to know what a zombie is.

Clip- you let them out

HAGAN: Kind of the job you were there to do, Michelle. Dont blame him, blame the designers of such shit doors, computers and well blame everyone involved in your company really. If there was an iota of intelligent matter in the staff this wouldnt have happened.

Clip- mila jovitch by self. Dog.

HAGAN VO: Mila jovitch has gone off by herself and of course ended up in a lab with the dogs. Who have burst out of their cages and developed a sudden case of harlequin icthyosis.

Pic- harlequin icthyosis.

Clip- dog attacks.. mila jovitch kicks. Dub- I know kung fu.

HAGAN: Hardly a fair fight. Mila the Nordic ninja versus lassie the plague-dog. Now this would be a worthy opponent!

Clip- karate dog.

Clip- cop looking in an office.

Hagan vo: because he’s a moron the cop is looking for his sister who worked in the offices.
Clip- shes there.

Hagan vo: And whatya know she there and she’s one of those harmless looking zombies who dramatically attack when their close.

Clip- mila splats her

HAGAN VO: Mila kills her with a paperweight.

HAGAN: That is a nice paperweight.

Clip- mila and cop.

Hagan vo: turns out that the cop isn’t a cop and is actually an activist who’s been trying to reveal what’s been going on in the labs. His sister was trying to get ahold of the virus to give it to the govt and had a contact with high level clearance who had offered to give her it.

HAGAN: We’re supposed to think that mila stole the virus for her and at the last minute changed her mind and decided to sell the virus instead. And set it off in the base to cover her tracks.

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: I’m not really sure how much use the virus would be in a war situation anyway. It doesn’t kill your target. its just turns them into a zombie once their dead. Why not just kill them the first time? And once the zombies are released whatya gonna do? Celebrate the mutually assured destruction as the world collapses into a game of left 4 dead 2?

HAGAN: have all the positions of power in this world been filled with affirmative action for dumb, evil people?

Clip- get into the mainframe.

HAGAN VO: mila and the guy get into the mainframe, after being chased by and army of zombies that for some reason aren’t really allowed to be shown on screen.

HAGAN: 3 seconds of dog-fighting wire-fu costs roughly the same as 40 zombies. Was it worth it?
Clip- computer stuff.

HAGAN VO: So they decide to switch on the computer again and get her to help them escape. They set up a device that’ll allow them to destroy her if she messes with them.

HAGAN: Uncommonly sensible move.

CLIP- RED QUEEN ALIVE AGAIN. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ TRIES TO KILL HER.

HAGAN: ahh there goes the stupidity we’ve come to expect. Keep your PMS in check, Michelle.

Clip- talking to the computer.

HAGAN VO: So the team talk to the computer who explains all about the virus, how it got airborne in the base and infected everyone there. How she killed everyone to make them escape the terrible fate of being infected and being able to take a cure all the members of the team are now infected because they went down into the base without gas masks but they can be cured except michelle Rodriguez who has been infected through the zombie bite with the same virus she already had and she will soon die and become a zombie!

CLIP- GHOSTBUSTERS- everybody getting this so far?

HAGAN: So yeah. They decide to escape, aided by the computer before logic catches up with them and drinks their spinal fluid.

Clip- their escape sewars.

HAGAN VO: The escape takes them through the sewers where it appears to be raining. And suddenly because the story requires it the zombies have snuck up on them…

HAGAN: Stealth fucking zombies. AGAIN!

Clip- mila uses legs to break a neck. Dub- this could be worseI regret nothing!

Clip- slow motion zombie killing. Onto the pipes

Hagan vo: the director has no idea that slow motion doesn’t make crap action look cool. And everyone makes it up onto some pipes that can handle a lot of weight

Clip- everyone getting away. Tech guy by self.

HAGAN VO: the tech guy ends up on the pipes by himself with the zombies approaching. He has one bullet left.

Clip- tech guy kills zombie rather than self.

HAGAN: Heh. What a pussy.

Clip- remembering.

HAGAN VO: So the guy from rome remembers that he was the person who set off the virus!

HAGAN: Shocking, given they found him in the train, having just escaped the base…

Clip-talking. Zombie bites him.

HAGAN VO: He plans to sell the virus and offers mila the chance to rule the galaxy with him as father and son or something. He gets bitten and runs off by himself.

Clip- rome guy makes it to the train.

HAGAN VO: He makes it to the train and is about to inject himself with the anti-virus when the licker…

HAGAN: Iv never really played the game. Far as I can tell it’s the love child of gene simmons and a xenomorph.

HAGAN VO: attacks and eats him. The computer that is dedicated to keeping the virus inside the base released an efficient hunter infected with it in order to kill a man who has both the virus and the anti-virus.

HAGAN: Fight fire with petrol why don’t you.

Clip- mutates after feeding on dna. Caption- BIOLOGY: YOUR DOING IT WRONG

Clip- talking to computer

HAGAN VO: So the computer refuses to let them out even though there’s the anti virus on the train because there’s a small chance it wont work and michelle rodriuegez will infect the rest of the world.

Clip- it’s a risk I cannot take.

HAGAN: Yes. You hate risks. Which is why you released the licker. Because it was definitely a bad idea.

Clip- yelling. Comp dies.

HAGAN VO: So the computer yells that they must kill michelle rodriegez, michelle Rodriguez yells that she must die, mila jovitch yells that she cant do it and the other guy wonders what he’s doing in this film. Mila doesn’t kill her and the computer is so angry it dies.

Hagan: actually no…

Clip- tech guy at door.

HAGAN VO: The tech guy who didn’t kill himself arrives, turns out he fried the computer with their computer frying device from earlier.

HAGAN: You’d think he’d have thrown that to the others when it looked like he was gonna die. What with it being their only insurance against the computer killing them and all… and why didn’t the computer kill them when he was separated from them?

Clip- getting to train, kill rome guy.

Hagan vo: so on the way to the train we see plenty shots of bra-less milas nipples through her dress.

HAGAN: Thanks.

HAGAN VO: She takes the anti-virus from rome guy, splats his zombie head in. and get on the train.

HAGAN: Michelle rodruegez seems to have died.

Clip- seems to be dead. Isn’t.

CLIP- SPACE BALLS- FOOLED YOU!

Clip- licker attacks.

Hagan vo: the licker attacks the train and kills the tech guy.

Hagan: really worth revealing he was still alive a few minutes ago wasn’t it?

Clip- fighting the licker. Toungue.

Hagan: around this time I discovered I wished I owned a copy of the movie killer tongue…

Clip- Rodriguez zombie.

Hagan vo: Rodriguez becomes a zombie, her teeth immediately go brown and she gets shot.

Clip- kill licker.

Hagan: now even though the licker scratched the only surving guy and the computer earlier said…

Clip- red queen on scratches.

CLIP- IN MANSION. GETTING CURE.

HAGAN VO: They decide to wait until they get back into the mansion before injecting him with the anti-virus. Of course the evil white suited scientists are waiting and take the guy away to study him.

Clip- I want to know what went on there.

HAGAN: yeah it’s a great pity that no one invented a way to communicate via computers. Or the ability to record visuals. Or even the ability to send those visuals from one location to another. Or possibly the ability to record sound…

Clip- mila wakes. Walks. Dead walk.

HAGAN VO: Mila wakes up in the middle of a deserted hospital and someone’s put up a newspaper refrence to the romero classic day of the dead and…

HAGAN: Then mila went on to have even worse sequels.

Clip- bits from movie.

HAGAN VO: This is awful. Its an insult to the zombie genre and that’s saying something. Its stupid its bad-bad-bad. Not children of the living dead bad but its bad.

HAGAN: Apart from its being bad There is one major issue with this film.

MINION: IT’s SHIT!

HAGAN: Apart from that. Its 15 rated. Less gory or goreless horror movies can be wonderful and in many ways making a non-gory horror movie that genuinely scares is the mark of a truly gifted film maker but zombie movies are about walking corpses that want to eat youto make a zombie film that is not gory misses the point of the genre. And adding kung fu, lasers and THAT soundtrack just compounded the problem the makers of the this film had NO IDEA HOW AND WHY ZOMBIE MOVIES WORK!
Clip- bits from the film and other films.

HAGAN VO: The film was directed by paul Anderson. He made a crap film called shopping. Then he made 2 decent ones in mortal kombat and event horizon and then made soldier. Which was decent until 10 minutes in and became shit. Everything he made afterwards was shit. I think after his first film he realised he had no ability and tried to sell his soul to make good movies. The devil then haggled him down to 2 and a bit decent movies.

HAGAN: If im right the director of aliens vs predator will spend all of eternity in hell! (smiles) anyway, this film is shit and I wish id never seen it.This was a request from Owen. FUCK YOU OWEN. Im diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day.

Heres the review
http://blip.tv/diamanda-hagan-lecher-bitch/special-review-resident-evil-3879841

Heres the flubs
http://blip.tv/diamanda-hagan-lecher-bitch/flubs-resident-evil-review-4027052

Scripts- Heavy Metal crossover second draft.

When doing the Heavy Metal crossover I wrote the first draft and then The Critic edited it. Then there were further changes done in editing. Lots of things change when making vids and co-reviews often have more changes than most. So if you’re interested in the how things change or how the Critic and my styles change or even to see who came up with what take a look.

Here’s the original draft.

SECOND DRAFT. CRITICS DRAFT.

CRITIC is seen leaning back in his chair eating a donut reading the paper. He talks on his phone.

CRITIC: Secretary, what’s my schedule like today.

We see the BUM in another room looking over some papers.

BUM: Well Critic you have a five o’clock manicure, a three o’clock threatening of a micro nation in Wyoming, a two o’clock meeting with Todd in the Shadows to get both your eyebrows waxed…

CRITIC: Yeah his eyebrows are looking weird…

BUM: And a one o’clock crossover with Diamanda Hagan.

CRITIC: Who?

BUM: She is one of the reviewers on the site.

CRITIC: I was told I was getting Jesu Otaku this weekend.

BUM (rolling his eyes): No you weren’t.

CRITIC: Oh well, I know the drill. They act like they interrupt my review, I get angry…anyway if it’s one of the women on the site I’m sure I’m in for a fine looking peace of…

HAGAN suddenly appears on screen. Looking stern.

CRITIC: WAAAAH! Don’t hurt me!

HAGAN: What?

CRITIC: Please Mr. Joker I’ll do anything you want, just don’t harm me!

HAGAN: Critic, it’s me, Diamanda.

CRITIC: Oh my God we’re hiring people like you now? You look like the Crow if he was in Candy Land.

HAGAN: Well…hired.. accepted under many threats at gunpoint, either way I’m here.

CRITIC: Well, what kind of stuff do you review?

HAGAN: Anything really, as long as it inflicts a butt load of pain, or a pain load of butts.

CRITIC: You have a movie with one of these oh scary one?

HAGAN: I have a movie with both!

Clip – Heavy Metal title plays.

HAGAN VO – Based on the popular magazine of the same name, Heavy Metal combines science fiction stories and raunchy tales to create a cult masterpiece of cheese-dom.

CRITIC VO: Why does it have a cult following?

HAGAN VO: Some say it’s the writing, some say it’s the incredibly unique animation and creativity in the designs…but most say it’s for the boobies. Lots and LOTS of boobies.

HAGAN: So, ready to journey into a word of perverted delights.

CRITIC still looks scared at her.

HAGAN: Get over it!!!!!

HAGAN: oh get over it! (beat) I did.

CRITIC: I’m sorry, you look like what appears when I say Bloody Mary three times.

HAGAN VO: We open on a star-field in space.

CRITIC VO: As opposed to a star-field somewhere else?

HAGAN VO: Blow me.

CRITIC VO: We hear a mysterious voice explaining the all generic evil of the al generic universe. Tell me if you haven’t heard this dialogue a million times.

Clip- a shadow shall fall over the universe and evil will grow in its path…

CRITIC: A badness that will darken the light and evil up the shadowy dark. Epic!

Clip- green thing flies past camera. DUB ON sound of crashing and add camera shake., as though it smashed into the Heavy Metal Logo.

HAGAN VO: Uhp, look out for that title.

CRITIC VO (imitating the ball): Oh, this is why I should never drink while reigning death from the skies.

HAGAN VO: Over the credits that reads like the cast of SCTV, we get…

clip- car. Leaves space shuttle. Edit with the reactions. HAGANs eyes grow in slow confusion. Very confused.

CRITIC: Holy shit my testicles just exploded from the awesomeness of that visual.

HAGAN VO: But why the fuck is someone using a car in space?

CRITIC VO: Okay any question with the words “car” and “space” in them quickly become invalid.

HAGAN VO: But how is he steering it? Why isn’t it burning up? How did it survive the impact?

CRITIC: Listen, what part of ‘car in space’ do you not understand?

Clip- Car in space.

HAGAN VO: By the way this is a form of animation known as Rotoscoping, a somewhat controversial way of animating where they take real life film of people and draw over them.

HAGAN VO: But where most films at least ink and paint over their footage, this movie seems quite content with just lightly coding it with the remains of their milkshake.

Clip – guy looks down to Earth

HAGAN VO: Extra points for having the guy look down to make sure he was still aimed at the right planet mid drop.

CRITIC VO: So while he rides through the cornfields of the DESERT, he meets up with his daughter…

clip- what did you bring me? You’ll see.

HAGAN Dub- daughter: was it a bright green world destroying ball of doom?

CRITIC Dub- dad: maybe.

HAGAN VO: This guy’s idea of driving home involves an orbital drop, he’s clearly not sane.

Hagan vo: Besides, look.. he has the cold, dead eyes of an animated paedophile. I’m just saying that if he doesn’t get melted by a macguffin soon…

HAGAN: I think he’ll be getting her to ride his space shuttle… all night long…ooooh yeah.

Clip- opens box;. Melted.

CRITIC: Glenda is pissed!

HAGAN Dub – Glinda as the green bubble: Do you want a good death or a bad death?

Clip- do not try to escape. You are under my control.

CRITIC: (impersonating green thing) Even though I could clearly melt you like I did your father, I’d rather use you as a linking device for the following anthology of stories!

HAGAN VO: And that’s pretty much what happens. The green thing shows the girl and by extension- us the first of the stories.

Hagan vo: And we see the answer to a question that’s haunted the minds of people since… 1990…

HAGAN VO: what would happen if a captain planet villain stopped trying to pollute the world and instead spent their fortune looking for shit?

CRITIC VO: They would make seemingly simple metal detectors much more complicated in design and use.

HAGAN VO: Now we know.

CRITIC VO: Yes, now we know.

HAGAN VO: Through using his cartoonishly huge ferngullian digger and his slave army of Bird-Jawas he finds the… green… glowy thing…

clip- melt.

HAGAN VO: It’s somehow taken to New York of the future! … even though it kind of melts anyone who gets close to it…

CRITIC VO: Hey New Yorkers are used to harming their bodies all the time, they’re used to it.

HAGAN VO: and the movie suddenly decides it wants to be a film Noir.

Clip- Okay sucker, hand over your cash. Now. Melted.

CRITIC: Ok, do I really have to start a Melting counter? There’s more going on here than a rainy day at a Witch Bar-B-Q.

HAGAN VO: The green glowy things been put on display in a museum, which makes total sense… because one thing museums are known for is exhibits that can kill people.

CRITIC VO: But oddly enough it’s gangsters who murder the founder of the ever killing gobstopper, and his daughter escapes to The Cab drivers car.

HAGAN VO: As usual for a woman who’s just had her father murdered… she suddenly wants to have sex with someone!

CRITIC VO: Nothing like that dead father, mobster tie in, glowing ball of death rebound.

HAGAN: You know, I don’t see this working. She’s just lost her dad, why is she horny?

CRITIC: It’s a noir, everybody in those are horny.

HAGAN: No, I’m going to test this. I’m going to Kill some woman’s father and see if she’ll sleep with me.

HAGAN walks off.

CRITIC: You go outside?

CRITIC VO: She takes off in the middle of the night, pff, typical woman, wham bam thank you…sir, and later we see the gangsters in the backseat of his cab.

Clip – I wouldn’t do that.

CRITIC: Oh no he found my only weakness, asking politely!

CRITIC VO: Seriously, this story would be over in a blink, nay, a tap of a foot, but because he asks he doesn’t do it. You gotta give those New Yorkers credit, they are famously polite. So he meets the woman at the statue of liberty. He agrees to help her exchange it with the gangsters. The exchange is made and…oh, just guess what happens.

CLIP- GANGSTER IS MELTED.

CRITIC taps corner of screen and the melting counter goes up.

CRITIC: I, yeah, I still can’t believe I need one of these.

CRITIC VO: So the woman, really out of nowhere turns against the cabbie, which means of course …

Clip – Melted

CRITIC: Oh my God movie what is your beef? Did the writer’s mother die in a microwave or something????

CRITIC VO: And by the way if you’re wondering where the story goes from there, it doesn’t. Yeah, that’s the ending for this one. In any other film this would just be the intro, but Heavy Metal’s philosophy is just when things are looking like a good set up for a story, you never give them the story.

CRITIC: It’s like Phillip Glass, the less he keeps your attention, the happier he is.

HAGAN returns. Black eye.

HAGAN: What did I miss?

CRITIC: 2 meltings. What happened to your eye?!

HAGAN: She didn’t want to sleep with me.

CRITIC: Well.. did she know you killed her dad?

HAGAN: Yeah, I did it in front of her.

CRITIC: That Might have been the problem.

Clip- green glowy thing in the house with the girl. I HAVE CHOSEN YOU BECAUSE YOU POSSESS POWERS YOU DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND.

HAGAN: From how wide you can get your mouth, I’m guessing they include fellatio.

CRITIC VO: We open our next story with a nerd named Den who doesn’t realise that a BRIGHT GREEN GLOWING METEORITE might not be the smartest thing to pick up. This sends him hurtling through time and space to the planet Mongo.

Clip – Blazzing Saddles clip of Mongo saying “Mongo only pawn in game of life.”

Clip- the worshippers at the planet, see through pool.

HAGAN: do you think they noticed they have a hole in their planet?

Clip- No hair… hmmm. Big…

CRITIC: yes may that large, muscular and strangely aerodynamic body be a lesson to you! For now… you are JOHN CANDY: OF GOR!

Pic- John candys head. Conans body. Conan music. JOHN CANDY OF GOR!

Clip- There’s no way I’m gonna walk around here with my dork hanging out.
CRITIC: I mean walking around naked? Who do they think I am in this movie, a woman?

HAGAN VO: The random topless priestess orders the cultists to drown this random topless woman, of course Den rescues her and she instantly falls in love with him.

Hagan vo: Because she has… Tits.

CLIP- IF ANY PART OF MY BODY PLEASES YOU, ILL GIVE IT TO YOU. WILLINGLY.

CRITIC: JOHN CANDY OF GOR likes your EYES! (Reaches forward and plucks, scream added) hmmmm you are lucky JOHN CANDY OF GOR not take your BREASTS!

CLIP- ABOUT TO HAVE SEX.

CRITIC VO: So how old was Den? He looked and acted like he was about 12? Is this technically paedophilia?

Clip – The Graduate: Mrs. Robinson you’re trying to seduce me.

CLIP- INTERUPTED DURING SEX. COME!`

HAGAN VO: I was just about to, ya damn furry! They get taken to a local leader, a guy trying his best to impersonate Martin Clunes in classic Doctor Who’s Snakedance…

clip- You must be den of Earth.

HAGAN VO: I just noticed. This whole place is a bit human centric. Both the leaders have been humans but their forces are either the furrys or guys with no heads… All strikes me as a bit racist.

HAGAN VO; And the crab people I rule with an iron fist agree. Because I told them too.

PIC- PHOTOSHOP OF A GANG OF CRAB-PEOPLE. DUB ON A NON-COMITTAL ‘YAAAAAY’

HAGAN DUB: Yaaaaayyyyy

HAGAN VO: Because Kojak the barbarian’s girlfriend has been imprisoned in a glass case, he gets sent off to capture the green-glowy thing from the priestess from earlier.

CLIP- they talk of a savage beast who prowls these catacombs with teeth.. 6 inches long… 16 inches long.

CRITIC: Forgive me, poor attempt at penis joke.

HAGAN VO: Kojak the barbarian gets into the palace, is captured but turns the evil priestess on so much that her robe changes colour between shots!

CRITIC VO: It happens.

HAGAN VO: Of course, they fuck… and while she’s kept busy gnarl steals the glowy thing!

CLIP- BOY WAS SHE PISSED OFF.

CLIP- LEAPS OFF THE TOWER TOWARDS WATER. Add a muffled crash as he hits the water.

CRITIC: Well obviously nobody could survive that. Oh well. He’s dead. Movies over I guess. I’m the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don’t have to.

CRITIC leaves through left side. Immediately re-enters through the right.

CRITIC: That’s not usually how that works.

Clip- footage from a British TV show called The Goodies appears in the upper right hand corner of the shot beside The Critic. I will provide the footage. Is someone in a black circle pointing to the lower left and yelling ‘Its called a camera trick you fool!”

HAGAN (looking down to the right) : Its called a camera trick, you fool!

CRITIC swats at the clip. It vanishes.

CRITIC: what was that?!

HAGAN: an old British TV show. Do you want to continue with this crossover or should I bring out the Blakes 7 clips?

HAGAN VO: So Kojak the barbarian makes it back to the clearly evil guys base just in time to discover that he’s clearly evil. Oh the shock of it all.

HAGN VO; Both sides of creatures battle over who’s gonna sacrifice the girlfriend… and…both the villains end up dead…

CRITIC VO: With both sides leaders dead, JOHN CANDY OF GOR and his girlfriend leave on a giant dragonfly, safe in the knowledge that all those furrys will probably kill each other in a massive orgy of bloodlust to take over as soon as their over the horizon. End of pointless story number 2.

HAGAN VO: The next story’s set on a massive fucking space station that looks like the Oddyssy from Ulysses 31, where someone’s finally putting Zapp Brannigan on trial… though not for stealing Captain Marvels costume.

HAGAN VO: He provides a character witness… but it doesn’t go very well…

clip- the speech before the court. HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD LAW ABIDING CITIZEN… TURNS INTO HULK!

CRITIC: Well I can tell THIS one is going to be very story based.

HAGAN VO: Soon as it turned into Law and Order: Avengers Unit… I’m pretty sure everyone forgot what the trial was originally about.

CRITIC: I’m just disappointed that we’ve gone 20 minutes without a melting.

Clip- THANKS HANNOVER. TRAPDOOR…. VERY FEW ESCAPE MY GRASP, EVEN IN DEATH…

CRITIC Dub – Green Ball: Yes, that was my very lose tie in with that story, I probably could’ve edited it out or maybe inserted myself into it more by lying, but that is the story I told. Are you standing comfortably by the way? I know I tend to ramble on sometimes, especially when I should just be killing the person I said a moment ago is the only one who can stop me. But I still have a good 49 of doom to tell you. I guess I just have a compulsion to waste people’s time, as well as my own. Hell if I could, I’d even have commercial interruptions to waste people’s ti-

Cut for commercial.

CRITIC Dub – Green Ball: Well, that was lucky. Any who, do you want snacks, this next one can be a little lengthy. There’s not any naked women in this one but my guess is you’re not that into it…I am…a lot…anyway, planes.

Clip – WW2 planes.

CRITIC VO: So we’re suddenly in ww2 when they suddenly see somebody is following them.

clip- looks out window. Some-things following us. What is it?

HAGAN Dub- looks like John Carter on his way back from Mars again!

CRITIC: You saw that?

HAGAN: SOMEBODY had to!

HAGAN VO: The green glowy thing infects the plane and turns the dead crew-members into zombies because.. it can do that now and this.. frankly is the best part of the film.

HAGAN VO; The idea of men trapped in a tight, enclosed area like a bomber with zombies. It could make for a brilliant film.

CRITIC VO: Good thing we’ll once again take no advantage of this great idea and instead parachute out.

HAGAN VO: I think it’s time for the Rod Serling ending!

Clip- He finds other planes.

CRITIC: Amelia Earhart! Nooooooo!

CRITIC VO: One TRON wipe later and we see there’s a meeting at the pentagon!

Clip- Doctor Anorax 6 more mutants were sighted in Arizona this week!

HAGAN: are you thinking what I’m thinking?

CRITIC: I think so.. but how could I get Catherine Zeta Jones to dress up like batman.

HAGAN: I was thinking about Insano…

CRITIC: Oh yeah, insano…how could HE get Catherine Zeta Jones to dress up like Batman?

clip- guy ignores questions. Walks.

HAGAN VO: I don’t have time to answer your questions, I have walking to do!

CRITIC VO: So they’re having this top secret meeting about the mutations that are spreading throughout the planet and how it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with aliens.

HAGAN VO: And I’m currently wondering what he’d have done in other… just as obvious situations in history.

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in-front of The Hidenburg. Speech bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that it is in fact a large candle and man has not yet managed to fly’

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in Baghdad. (a’la Baghdad Bob/ Comical Ali the information minster from the second Iraq war) Speech Bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that the enemy are being killed in their hundreds by our glorious forces’

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX at the Valetine’s Day Mascre. Speech Bubble: ‘This looks like Werewolves.’

CRITIC: so as expected… mid speech the most ironic thing possible happens.

Clip- it is my firm belief…. in the universe… SPACESHIP OVER PENTAGON. SAD TROMBONE.

HAGAN VO: So the starship Happy Face sucks up the secretary and the doctor.

clip- doctor lands. Breaks. Oh nice job. He’s fucked.

HAGAN: wait, if they planted the doctor there to convince the world there were no aliens. Why did they decide to get him back… revealing to the world there are aliens!?!?!

CRITIC: How many more times do I have to tell you? There was a car in space. Questions invalid.

CRITIC VO: Of course the ships robot immediately falls in love with the secretary. And like most women, she falls in love with a small phallic shaped machine who will stay after sex.

Clip- post sex. that was incredible.

Critic: So really every woman in this movie is like a game of Perfection. If just…something can fit into the slot, it’s worth putting it there.

HAGAN: How’d they have sex anyway? I’m guessing it’d be something like this.

Clip- space truckers. Charles Dances pull-string penis.

Clip- the ship flies off. Intro space. Past USS Enterprise.

CRITIC: what? Was that the fucking Enterprise?

Clip- flies past Enterprise.

CRITIC VO: That’s…so…random. What the Hell is the Enterprise doing in the 40s, or present day, or whenever the fuck that futuristic trial was happening?

HAGAN VO: It could be flying back to capture some dolphins or some crap.

CRITIC VO: Shut up.

HAGAN VO: You shut up. So the pilots get high in the least hygienic way possible and almost crash the ship while the robot and secretary almost instantly decide to get married… because funny.

Clip- It’ll have to be a Jewish wedding. Jewish wedding?

Clip- the house again.

HAGAN VO: I’m just waiting for that house to eat the both of them. And itself.

Clip- look into me one final time.

CRITIC VO: Trust me, by this point, I think she’d prefer death then listen to one more of your pointless, perverted stories. You are a horny little green ball, and you ramble a touch!

HAGAN VO: In this story the glowy thing crashes into a mountain on an alien desert planet, of course the locals… as in ALL the locals decide to go check it out. After all, Optimus Prime could be in there!

CLIP- ERUPTION. Guys covered in the lava stuff

CRITIC: Hey, its green lava! Which means ALL THESE PEOPLE got melted! Yes! Those are the kind of melting numbers I’m talking about!

CRITIC looks at counter. Number goes up until it explodes.

Clip- a hand reaches out of the green stuff.

CRITICS counter resets to zero. CRITIC moans.

Clip- the guys hand out of the lava-snot.

HAGAN VO: Okay, the green-lava-mountain-snot-vomit… of evil mutated them but I gotta ask, how did his fingernails grow so quickly?!

Clip- death to all who oppose us!

CRITIC DUB – LEAD GREEN GUY: Now… lets get chicken!

HAGAN DUB OTHER GREEN GUY: I’m a Vegetarian.

CRITIC DUB – LEAD GREEN GUY: KILL HIM!

Clip- attack. People dying.

HAGAN VO: We see what Eternia would look like if Skeletor got his shit together, so surely the leaders must have some plan, some weapon to beat back the hordes of evil on their doorstep.

Clip- we are statesmen etc. Taarnac the defender. There’s one left. One can do much etc.

CRITIC: So why did you wait until their literally beating down your door…

HAGAN VO: They let out the call to summon their world’s very last hero…

Clip- taarna walks towards the camera.

HAGAN: A giant-hawt-big-titted-warrior ho!

CRITIC VO: So how long until this one gets nak-

Clip- she derobes

CRITIC: I guess that was a stupid question.

HAGAN VO: Sensing that since we never actually saw the old guys who summoned her die and if she rushed then she might actually be able to save them she decides to spend the next 3 minutes putting on what she considers armour.

Hagan vo: Thigh high boots, a thong, a sleeveless bra, a belt and a single shoulder pad… if she’s so OK with being naked why bother change at all? That’s not going to do her any more good than being naked… in fact it might be less effective…

HAGAN: If she was naked she could just distract the enemy with her huge fucking tits.

Clip- to defend, this is the pact…. to avenge. Takes sword. Obvious joke incoming.

CRITIC VO: She-man! And the Big-titted mistress of killing shit! (I think I should do this because I can imitate the He Man opening song pretty well)

CRITIC VO: So Taarna and her bird-thing make it to the city and what the fuck do you know… everybody’s dead.

Clip- everybody’s dead dave. Red dwarf.

HAGAN VO: Who would have thought that the old guys waiting until the enemy were breathing down their throat and her taking an ice-age to get dressed woulda resulted in everyone she’s supposed to protect being fucking dead?

CRITIC VO: That Galaxy Security is doing a heckuva job.

HAGAN VO: She tracks the mutants down to a… western style… sci-fi bar where everyone’s listening to… Devo…

CRITIC: Hey, it’s better than the other band they had here last week.

Clip – Star Wars Cantina band.

CRITIC: they just kept playing the same song over and over.

CRITIC VO: Now the funny thing is that throughout this entire story this woman never talks. And honestly, she’s the most interesting character in the film. I know that’s weird but her actions, the constant determination on her face, and even the fact that she has a connection with her animal friend makes her much more interesting than any one line of dialogue from the rest of these clowns.

HAGAN: Oh so THAT must be why everyone plays her character in Dungeons and Dragons, huh?

CRITIC: No they play her for the tits, but she’s still a good character, too.

HAGAN VO: She flies to the mutant camp but gets herself captured by their… random bird thing net… they had set up in case the main character from Joust attacked.

Clip- have her bound and brought to me.

Clip- flash gordon. Ming the merciless. ‘FOR OUR PLEASURE!’

HAGAN VO: She gets stripped naked, tortured and thrown in a pit with the cast of Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors but the mutants are good enough to throw her gear in with her so in no time she’s escaped and ready to kill the crap out the mutants!

Hagan vo: Who are of course good enough to send their leader out to fight her alone…

CRITIC VO: You know the Lord of all evil is not very good at planning ahead, is he?

clip- fighting. TAARNA is about to hit the guy with his own chainsaw.

Clip- running man. THIS SAW IS PART OF ME. NEXT IM GONNA MAKE IT PART OF YOU.

Clip- stabs him with the chainsaw. And then punch.

CRITIC: It takes a special sort of hero to punch someone after killing them with their own chainsaw… an asshole I think is what they’re called, but a badass asshole.

HAGAN VO: She sits atop her noble bird-thing and faces the green-glowy thing head on… and proves that she once again.. has the power… because her castle of Grayskull moment earlier was apparently foreshadowing!

CLIP- nooooo. House explodes.

CRITIC: wait? What the fuck just happened?!

CRITIC VO: Did that things memory of being defeated just kill it… in the present?! And whys the girl now… Taarna… Is she Taarna reincarnated? Does just her being near the thing kill it? Why’d it die twice? What the fuck?!

HAGAN: Listen, its simple.

HAGAN VO: Either she’s a reincarnation of Taarna and telling the story killed it.. for no reason… or it knew how it would be killed and decided to stop its fate by killing Taarna as a child.. and then exploded for no reason.

CRITIC: Neither of those makes any more sense than the other.

HAGAN: I said it was simple. I didn’t say it made sense.

CRITIC: This isn’t a movie! Its a series of horny fanfictions that somehow got a budget!

CRITICS OVERVIEW: Some things work, like the animation at times is very stylized and impressive, and a lot of the designs and ideas can be creative, and do I even need to say the soundtrack fucking rocks? But the stories just go nowhere, and stop before they even get started. The last one is the closest thing to a complete story, and even that has an ending that makes no sense. Some of it’s impressive, but it’s mostly just pervertedness posing as badass art.

HAGAN: Personally, I like most of it.

Hagan vo; Yeah the linking story of the green-thing is a bit shit and ultimately makes no sense because its abilities change all the time and who the fuck even knows what happens at the end…

Hagan vo: because the last time I had to deal with a green-glowy orb thing of death I blasted it into fucking space! Where the Kruulaggs can deal with it… but … sorry… I just went on a tangent there…

Hagan vo: some parts are very well done, especially the B52 section. And all of it, even in its worst bits are as imaginative as fuck. There’s a sequel which.. is like a middling to bad story in this one stretched to 90 minutes and talk of either a remake or another film coming soon. I hope its good.

HAGAN: Well that was fun, Critic. Want to take a look at Ralph Bakshi’s Fire and Ice?

CRITIC (green-screened into a car in space): Sorry I’m in a car in space. For the last time your question is INVALID!

HAGAN: Fine. I’ll go amuse myself with the cries of infants… (walks off)

CRITIC: I’m the nostalgia critic! I remember it so you don’t have to! WOOHOOO!

CRITIC IN CAR FLYS OFF. I suggest the end credits music is Radar Rider by Riggs because it was the car in space music from the movie.

Here’s the ep
http://blip.tv/nostalgiacritic/nostalgia-critic-heavy-metal-with-diamanda-hagan-6160101