Scripts- The Black Gestapo

Felt it was time I put up another original script so here is ‘The Black Gestapo’ review script (dramatic chord).

A draft of this was the first review finished for season 2. I spent nearly 3 weeks in a cheap hotel in London after doing Condorman (I was attending screenings of a documentary Id directed) and the laptop I brought with me broke after a day.. so I went and bought a cheap DVD player, found copies of review movies in an expensive London DVD shop and started doing a handwritten scripts. I dont suggest you try this at home.

whether you like it or not…

HAGAN: Greetings gentle viewers. I got a lot of requests to do a blaxploitation film…

pix- words

reading- ‘hey whore! Stop being a whore! And do a blaxploitation film! With whores in it, you whore!’

reading- ‘why dont you review a proper movie. Like shaft?’

Reading- ‘would you like a to try penis enlargement?’

reading- ‘fucking talentless cirque-du-soleil freak! Piss off with your minions! PS review more porn

reading- ‘hello, my name is oninko and I am a princess in my country of nigeria…’

HAGAN: As you can see. People wanted this. THE BLACK GESTAPO!

Continue reading

Scripts- Intermedio

And here we have the first episode filmed with the crisp new HD camera. Also the last episode filmed before I worked out the (simple in retrospect) trick that made my face shine while keeping the background darker. Although Lecher Bitch is without doubt a much better song , I think the Urban Gothic theme lends itself to much more dynamic editing than it. The new intro was created as a warning to new people watching the show that what you’re gonna see is tonally a little different than most review shows. I think it works. On a scriptwriting level, I think this was the first episode where I colour-coded the script to make it harder to miss anything when filming, it usually helps. The film itself was suggested by The Avatar of Decent Humour and to my eternal shame I agreed to do it when I heard about the laughable effects and Amber Benson was in it. I think many films on my list woulda made for a better episode, the film was VERY boring

HAGAN lying dead. Comes to life. Jumps up in front of camera.

HAGAN: I’m alive!

A beat.

HAGAN: Where’s my victorious return from the dead music?!

TEDDY lying on sofa. HAGAN goes beside his head.

HAGAN: WAKE UP!

TEDDY: What?!

HAGAN: I RESURRECTED AND YOU FORGOT THE VICTORIOUS RETURN FROM THE DEAD MUSIC!

TEDDY: I’m sorry mistress. I was waiting for a long time. I fell asleep.

HAGAN: We’ll do it again.

HAGAN lies dead. Wakes up to over several shots to one winged angel. Shot of TEDDY with boombox. HAGAN finally Jumps into camera view. With music.

HAGAN: I KNEW I’D COME BACK TO LIFE. (to mirror) And oooh my clothes and makeup and hair has changed. Ha! Jesus never got that perk! And ooooh HD! Being dead rocks! (looks at teddy, over shoulder shots begin) How long did it take?! 3 DAYS? MORE?!

TEDDY nods

HAGAN: 4 days?

TEDDY SHAKES HEAD. POINTS UPWARDS.

Hagan: More? Much more?

TEDDY nods.

Hagan: 3 years?

TEDDY shakes head. Points downwards.

2 hours later.

HAGAN: 22.5 days?

MINION shakes head. Points down.

HAGAN grabs the TEDDY by throat.

HGAN: I’m sick of this shit, how long did it take?!

TEDDY: 3 Weeks.

HAGAN: Fuck.

HAGAN drops TEDDY who falls on floor. Hagan turns to camera.

HAGAN: Well still did better than Jesus. He didn’t exist. Anyway… HIT THE NEW THEME MUSIC!

THEME

HAGAN: (To camera, teddy beside) Wow. That’s awesome. Greetings gentle viewers I’m supposed to be reviewing Intermedio tonight but because I’m now god iv decided that what is in this box (dvd box HELD BY TEDDY) is actually 90 minutes of allyson hannigan and servicing every woman I find attractive. In order of attractiveness. Now (does blessing motion) et nominae haganus. Open it.

TEDDY opens it.

HAGAN: and its… Dead and Dying!… which is Intermedios UK title…(points gun at TEDDY) still! (puts gun away) I still did better than jesus, he never existed. This is intermedio (aka dead and dying)

Clip- dead and dying.

Clips from buffy and or chance.

hgaan vo: Now this review is going to hurt me. Not because the film is shit… even though its shitness is well worth avoiding it for. Its going to hurt me because of the cast. One in particular.

Clip- amber benson

hagan vo: amber benson replaced alysson hannigan as my favourite buffy performer when she arrived. Iv met her in person and I own an autographed copy of her directorial debut film- chance. Amber is an awesome actor, singer, writer and director. But she’s also in this film.

Hagan: i’m sorry amber. I really am. But you’ve got to be punished like the rest of them.

Clip- opening shots.

Hagan vo: we open on quite a lot of very yellow shots.

Hagan: seriously, its like they drank gold paint and pissed on the negative.

Clip- sky. Dub on- CONDOR (insects)……. SKY…..

Clip- snap neck. Straw hat.

Hagan vo:well that’s a good start. A chickens neck gets snapped by a Mexican stereotype.

Clip- car.

Hagan vo: in the car we have two irritating children who cant act and their dads. Who also cant act. The dads are going to meet up with the Mexican stereotype for the purposes of getting into a tunnel that’ll take them over the border to Mexico.

Hagan: also- this is supposed to be the 1980’s.

Clip- car.

Hgaan vo: anyone there look like their from the 1980’s? no. moving on.

Clip- getting into the tunnel.

Hagan vo: the chicken begins to bleed, the mexican gets paid a hell of a lot of cash and we get a shot of what’s sure to be checkovs hankerchief.

Hagan:and according to the gay handkerchief code I found on the internet that guy wants…

hagan checks a long list on a piece of paper.

Hagan: here it is. Light blue. He wants to receive oral sex. Ok, that’s actually probably true.

Clip- in tunnel.

Hagan vo: the guys are going to buy some drugs. Considering they just gave the guy thousands to use his tunnel i’m wondering how they are going to bring back the amount of drugs needed to make this trip worthwhile.

Clip- kids.

Hgaan vo: and yes. Their leaving those kids in the boiling car. In a desert. Alone.

Clip- walking, railsback, death,

hagan vo: so an old man played by steve railsback (fanfare) turns up and pours blood from a vial, which turns into bad cgi which kills the men. Somehow… and then we see the real terror of this film.

Clip- presented by the asylum.

Hagan: the people that brought the world transmorphers, nightmare hostel, snakes on a train..and what’s worse is this isn’t a rip-off of an actual film. So there are precisely no good ideas here.

Clip- silly music. Words- FEEL FREE TO COMMIT SUICIDE NOW. Countdown 10-1.

hagan: I’m guessing that at least one person was dumb enough to live to watch more so on we go.

Clip- names.

Hagan vo: the credits last for almost as much time as the pre-credit sequence. The music gives up and stops partway through and guess what?

Clip- music company.

Hgaan vo: the composer is a company. Not a person.

Clip- 18 years later

hagan vo: as the sign says we’re 18 years later and that ‘sweet’, ‘innocent’ little boy has become edward furlong.

Hagan: I can only assume that the shock of seeing his dad go into a mexican mans dark hole scarred him for life.

Clip- girl with gun.

Hagan vo: and the grown up version of the little girl arrives. With a gun.

Hagan: actually wait. They didn’t tell us the names of the two kids so I am just going to assume that the little girl became edward furlong and the little boy became whoever she is. Why? Its the closest thing to amusement I’m likely to get in this film.

Clip- sees karl.

Hagan vo: and… her t-shirt says karl…

HAGAN: maybe iv accidentally picked up on something subtle and deliberate. Sort of.

Clip- sound of knock. amber benson arrives.

Hagan vo; so amber benson arrives..

hagan by a chair. Person in chair. Sheet over it

Hgaan: and this is as good a time as any to reveal…

MINION pulls cover off chair and person (gagged).

HAGAN: THE lesbotron 9,001! basically because amber benson is at her best when playing a lesbian i’v decided to fairly react to her sexuality in this film. This lovely person… who the minions have reliably informed me is called ‘help me!, let me go.. please’ will suffer every ten minutes that amber benson does not do something sexual with a girl. If she does do something lesbiony mr please will go free. Now back to the film.

Clip- she kisses edward furlong.

Hagan immediately goes nuts and kills the person in the chair.

Static. Appears back. Person dead.

Hagan (to camera): sorry…

clip- guy arrives.

Hgaan vo: the floppy haired boyriend of ‘karl’ arrives and begins laying out exposition about the tunnels we saw in the pre-credits sequence.

Hagan: Minion. Do the dance of exposition.

Minion dances. Intercut with exposition. Add jaunty tune. Medieval.

Clip- car.

HAGAN: no longer do the dance of exposition minion.

Clip- they arrive.

Hagan vo: so they get to the tunnels and…

clip- the chicken, dead mans blood… control the dead.

hagan: resume the dance of exposition minion!

Talking intercut with minion dancing. Shorter this time.

Clip- go down into the tunnel.

Hagan vo: so they go into the tunnel and the mexican…

clip- slices arm.

Hagan:ummm dude. Your knife is bleeding.

Cllip- tunnels.

Hagan vo: so in the tunnels someone finally gets around to mentioning that this is meant to be the fabled home of the el intermedios. Pissed off ghosts who kill anyone who invades their space. The only one worried by them is amber benson.

Hagan: even though she’s not in the half of the cast- whose dads vanished down there without a fucking trace.

Clip- floppy haired ass and karl.

Hagan vo: the floppy haired ass tries to get some from karl, his brunette, she-male love goddess.

Hagan: because tunnels are so romantic.

Clip- they walk.

Hagan vo: they walk. And walk. And walk.

Hagan: oh hey sunlight behind them.

Hagan vo: And walk. And walk. And walk.

Hagan: and I swear they keep re-using the same couple bits of of tunnel over and over again.

Clip- amber stops.

Hagan vo: amber benson gets lost and finds a boiling pool of water.

Clip- sticks hand in.

hagan: I don’t know who’s dumber- amber bensons character for doing that or amber benson for agreeing to play her.

Clip- meet up.

Hagan vo: after you begin wondering how this could be made even longer they all manage to meet up with the mexican drug dealers.

Clip- railsback.

Hagan vo: so steve railsback turns up looking like his character in turkey shoots dried out corpse and pours more blood than is physically possible out of his pendant.

Hagan: this calls the angry ghosts. Made of not so special effects!

Clip- attack. Sub- as originally edited.

Clip- they run off.

Hagan vo: the quartet and the surviving Mexican run off and the Mexican decides that the ghosts and whatnot that happened was clearly an ambush by americans who dont wanna pay for their drugs.

Hagan: he’s dumb like that.

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: given the seriousness of the situation they talk about what to do..

clip- talking. Overlay with evil dead the musical. What the fuck was that. Stuff with scotty wanting to go.

Clip- split up.

hagan vo: so the yanks have decided to split up.

Hagan: their dumb like that.

Clip- floppy haired guy. quicksand.

Hagan vo: floppy guy steps in a shallow hole and is swallowed up by the floor which is actually made of blood.

Hagan: and evil…mexican quicksand.

Hagan vo: he falls through the floor and ends up bone dry in another bit of the tunnel which looks like the same bit of tunnel.

Clip-s running through tunnels.

Hagan vo: and these tunnels… they have to be real things and not a set. Sets don’t look that crap.

Clip- floppy guy., tries to escape.

Hgaan vo: apparently the evil mexican quicksand teleported him near the entrance because within minutes he finds it but unfortunately the dead mexican stereotype killed by steve railsback is lying on the trapdoor and stops him getting out.

Hagan: I wonder why steve railsback waited until now to kill him. The guys been letting people into the tunnels for… ohhhh 20 years 30?? and…. isnt steve railsback down there with them? How did he get there? The mexican is blocking the door!

Clip- sturdy workmanship. Gets down off the ladder.

Hagan vo: and check out the sturdy workmanship on display. Pretty damn wobbly.

Clip- walking. And arguing and walking.

Hagan vo: and we’re back with walking, walking, walking, arguing, walking,

hagan (holding cat): you’re a far more interesting thing to look at that this film. Yess you are!

Clip- walking

hagan vo: walking walking walking.

Hagan: this is like the descent but shit. Actually no.. wait… the descent 2 is the like descent but shit. This is the descent 2 but shit…. actually… sorry the cave is the descent 2 but shit. This is like the cave, but shit.

clip- amber Benson and the the mexican. Underneath the trapdoor.

Hagan vo: so they reach the trapdoor.

Hagan: it looks just like the other one but with no ladder.

Hagan vo: oh looks like their doing something clever. Their gonna use the crutches to… no he’s picking up the girl with the broken foot in order to get her to open the door.

Clip- samaritan snare. HE IS SMART.

Clip- ghost attack.

Hagan (laughs) oh that is so gonna end up in my starting one of these days.

HAGAN VO: The ghost that seems to be a cross between a crappy glo in the dark skeleton suit and a tron outfit! the crap cgi! The fact that the ground moves while amber writhes in pain… its just… whee!

Hagan: Its a scre-delvert! A popstilkin! Its positively intercrastic in its internotrafabularies!

A beat.

Hagan: what? if the makers don’t give a shit, why should I?

Clip- death again

Hagan vo: Obviously I’m sad that amber bensons dead,…

hagan: actually this once I’m not not. You were in a crap film, you didn’t even fuck a girl. You did nothing for me in this film Amber. And this once I’m not sorry your dead….(cries) yes I am!

Clip- mexican.

Hagan vo: the mexican guys had his fingers cut off. Though he’s clearly just made fists and covered them in fake blood. Edward furlong keeps hugging ambers character because if he doesn’t she might fall over…

hagan: and force them to pay for a mannequin.

Clip- them running. Amber being dragged.

Hagan vo: so they run off, followed by someone who’s oddly grey for a film who’s idea of realistic outside colouration is ‘piss yellow’…

hagan: the baddies have also run off with ambers body…

clip- ambers body being moved.

Hagan vo: what did the baddies do? Freeze the ground around her and dig it up as a slab?!

Hagan: because im not seeing any other possibilities.

Clip- arguing with floppy haired guy.

Hagan vo: they meet up with floppy haired guy- who’s coming from the mexican side of the tunnel system even though he was last seen at the entrance to the US side. They argue over who gets a light.

Hagan: because holy crap. The tunnels are meant to be dark!

Clip- floppy haired guy attacked by wall.

Hagan vo: floppy haired guy gets attacked by some arms behind a wall.

Hgaan: worked better in day of the dead.

Clip- day dead trailer.

Hagan: maybe because their wall didn’t move like cardboard while they did it.

Clip- safehouse.

Hagan vo: somehow everyone (including the guy with no fingers) gets up into a safehouse built into the ceiling of the tunnel.

Hagan: and no. there wasn’t a ladder.

Clip- edward furlong.

Hagan vo: edward furlong snaps and attacks the wall.

Hagan: kudos to you for building this one out of something solid.

Hagan vo: whys he doing that? I dunno. I think he’s realised that he’s gone lower than anyone in history to get money for blow.

Hagan: yes even lower than that glam metal guy who sucked random guys dicks for cocaine money.

Clip- floppy haired guy dies.

Hagan vo: floppy haired guy dies in… a pretty damn… crap way…

hagan: texas chainsaw it ain’t.

Clip- texas chainsaw. Door slam.

Clip- ghost mexican.

Hagan vo: a ghost kills the mexican and he makes a stock scream so loud it can be heard high over the now not yellow mountains. And yet edward furling and karl in the next room dont hear it…

confused hagan is confused.

Clip- the with mexican

hagan vo: and to make things dumber…

hagan: the ghosts cut out his tongue. Think about that for a moment.

Clip- floppy haired guy back.

Hagan vo: so even though we saw him get an axe in his back and heard him get stabbed a fuckload more times the flopyhaired ass is back.

He confesses he saw karl and edward furlongs dads go into the pit and didnt help them- which would be shocking if he wasnt a child at the time and therefore did nothing wrong and if.. oh yes… ANYONE GAVE A SHIT! He also says he knew all about the ghosts and that other people had died and brought them there anyway. Because…. the script said so. And then he dies.

Hagan: again.

Clip- escaping through bodies.

Hagan vo: so they somehow escape into the dumping pit for the bodies. They act shocked that smelly, squishy body shaped things could in fact be bodies and are led to safety by a ghost who tells them the other ghosts are being controlled by steve railsback.

HAGAN: Whys he there and whys he not controlled by steve railsback and why does he look different from the other ghosts?…… because…. (points) HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

hagan runs off

HAGAN VO: Karl climbs the ladder and manages to move the body of the Mexican steriotype even though earlier the much larger and more muscular floppy haired ass couldnt.

Hagan: either that body has rotted a lot in a few hrs or she’s she-hulk.

Clip- run into steve railsback. Car. Flashback.

hagan vo: they run into steve railsback at the house of the dead mexican steriotype and don’t realise that he’s the baddy. How he got there because the trapdoor was fucking blocked by the mexican I have no idea. He drives away with them and drugs karl by way of a sealed can of beer. Yes a sealed can of beer. We also get a flashback to more than 20 years back when steve railsback killed his son for being a druggie and took mystical control of the ghosts… somehow…

hagan: like the mexican steve railsback hasn’t aged at all. To compare. This was steve railsback in the 1982 (turkey shoot) and this was steve railsback in the 1986 (flashback) he must have had a rough 1985. I blame the naked alien space vampires myself.

clip- lifeforce. trailer ideally.

Clip- taken back.

Hagan vo: so steve railsback is killing people because he killed his son for being a drug addict.

HAGAN: the real tragedy here is thats not the stupidest reason i’v seen for someone killing people. At least he’s not a superpowered zombie too.

HAGAN VO: takes them back to the dead body pile and leaves them to die.

Hagan: too obvious to mock..

Hagan vo: the ghost of railsbacks son saves them again and railsback fights a 20 year old she-male.

Hagan: well over the years in all the c-movies he’s been in he’s fought pretty much everything else.

Clip- necklace. Ghosts.

Hagan vo: the pendant gets destroyed and railsback is… CGI’d to death…

hagan: because ghosts that are angry at having been forced to become murderers will automatically get revenge on the man who forced them to kill- by eviscerating him.

clip- afterwards.

Hagan vo: so everything is now happy. Edward furlong and karls friends are dead. They have to talk to the police about the dozens and dozens of bodies littering the tunnels and get into trouble for transporting drugs AND even though they’ve never been romantically attached and have both lost their partners they still find the time to have an off-screen fuck before they go.

hagan: and given that I still have decided their both transsexuals who haven’t had the operation I can only assume that the off-screen sex was much more interesting looking than the rest of the film.

Clip- ghosts watching.

Hagan: why else would the ghosts watching it?

Clips from the film.

Hagan vo: This film. Is a masterful mix of the stupid and the boring. I choose to believe it was deliberate because my death list really doesn’t need to be made any longer. Its bad. Bad. Bad. Its children of the living dead level incompetance. Sure its pretty unique but sometimes things aren’t done because their shit! There are only two positive things the film has- the casting of edward furlong, steve railsback and amber benson who are all fine actors.. and having the two main characters swap sex during the credits.

HAGAN: And I made that bit up!

Clip- from the making of.

Hagan vo: on the DVD there’s a short making of where its pretty clear that no-one gave a crap about the film. And Edward furlong appears to be higher than a nerds cock at the museum of naked lucy lawless.

Hagan: great edward, amber and the rest of you. I’m glad you all had fun wasting time and money in the desert while you made this piece of shit. I wish anyone who watched your movie could have had fun too. *sighs* I’ve watched this film 3 times now. Once for taking notes, once for writing and once while editting… so internet… what do you say to that?

Clip- YOU MASACHISTIC MOTHERFUCKER!

Hagan: That makes sense. I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day.

Scripts- Left Behind

This was the last review filmed with my SD camera. I got the HD cam before filming Condorman but decided to hold off on changing the camera for some reason that I can’t remember. Maybe I thought it’d be more dramatic bringing it in with Hagans first return from the dead. |

I’v no plans on doing the Left Behind movies thus far but I’m sure if I keep making the vids long enough I’ll get to them. Maybe I should get on that, because my Christian movies get higher-than-average viewing figures. Maybe because I seem to be the only one who’ll review them.

Anyway onto the script for the Left Behind review. One of Omegas fave eps. You’ll notice that there’s a serious difference about 2/3s of the way through. At the last minute I had to drop a Minion skit because everyone refused to do it. And in editing I came up with the ‘Divinyls Break’

hagan: greetings gentle viewers tonight we take a look at one of the MANY films about Christianity that is devoid of merit. This is.. left behind.

Clip- last temptation of christ.

Hagan looks at minion with controller

Hagan: We’re not watching that!

Clip- the gospel according to saint Matthew.

Hagan looks at minion again.

Hagan: stop putting up decent Christian movies! I know your scared… but we need to review this.

CLIP- the rapture.

HAGAN: Right…

hagan looks to the minion.

HAGAN: Open up your trousers and look down…

MINION looks in trousers.

HAGAN: good… you see those wires hanging from your urethra?

HAGAN presses button. Electric sound.

MINION SCREAMS.

Hagan: now put up left behind or I’ll make it feel like you’ve passed kirk Cameron like a fucking kidney stone!

Clip- left behind,

clip- directed by vic sarin.

Hagan: well that’s a good sign. I’m sure it’ll be a gas.

Clip- we should known but we didnt.

CLIP- FREEZE footage.

Hagan vo: possibly perhaps because your god only warned about the rapture by encoding it in the ramblings of a 19th century religious nutjob who decided that things in the bible meant things that on the surface they plainly didn’t.

HAGAN: Ok rough analogy time. Take a black piece of card, draw a target on it in black. Hang it out in the middle of a field at night with no lights on and then grab a random person and hand them a gun. Spin them around on the spot a few times until they get dizzy and make them try to shoot the target.

A beat.

HAGAN: Then tell them their an idiot.

Clip- in the end there’s no denying the truth.

Hagan: truth like. Your movie sucks! You have no career and have been reduced to the hetro-life mate of a kiwi with a banana sucking fixation.

Clip- ray comfort and bananas

Clip- jeruselem. 6.00

Hagan vo: And according to that ultra necessary caption we’re in Jerusalem.

Hagan: because when I hear middle eastern music and see the massive gold tit that is the dome of the rock I think… ‘hmmm perhaps we’re in strasburg!’

clip- jeruselem.

Hagan vo: Why is that info there? The entire audience for this film is idiots like ME who are reviewing this shit and idiots who believe in the rapture and They are very interested in israel and so know what Jerusalem looks like. Why? Because the fucking signs their looking for deal with israel.

Clip- kirk CAMERON.

Hagan: what the fuck is with capitalising his last name?!

Clip- other names.

HAGAN VO: And his, and theres, and theres.

HAGAN: What the fuck?!

Clip- crowds.

Hagan vo: so we have peaceful crowds of christians, jews and muslims living in peace in jeruselem.

Hagan: well their not actively killing each other at the moment. In the middle east that counts as peace. You know what else counts as peace in the middle east, all 3 of those religions coming together to kill gay people.

Clip- people.

Hagan vo: isn’t it wonderful. A bunch of lovely peaceful people. The vast majority of whom will burn in hell for believing in the wrong mythology.

HAGAN: Thanks god!

Clip- wailing wall.

HAGAN: Holy fuck. The wailing wall.. is wailing… literally.

Clip- iraq 6.03.

hagan: 6.00 am in israel and then 6.03 in iraq. That’s a trick given Iraq is an hour ahead of Israel.

hagan vo: iraq, syria and a bunch of other countries deploy their amazing cgi jet technology.

Clip- kirk cameron in field.

Hagan vo: kirk Cameron is playing buck williams, a news reporter. Someone who deals in fact and reality.

Hagan: stop laughing.

Clip- kirk.

Hagan vo: there’s some sort of a food shortage but this dr has created grain that grows in the desert.

Clip- it looks like iowa.

Hagan: get many camels in iowa?

Clip- not for sale etc.

hagan: your holding a miracle crop that could end global hunger and you wont let anyone get it til people stop hating israel? You blackmailing dickhead, have you no idea how people work?

Clip- guy.

Hagan vo: if someone hates someone. Refusing to give them something they need will only make them hate you more. If you say you wont give it to them til they love you- your just gonna make them say they love you and then break your nose the second they have it!

Hagan: if you want israel to be safe then sell the formula to someone who will pay a fortune and give the cash to israels military. OR JUST GIVE to EVERYONE THE FORMULA AS A GIFT FROM ISRAEL! You cant buy good publicity like that!

Clip- planes.

Hagan: of course science-beard here had to be a genius and piss off his neighbours and they attack…

clip- camera man. Then Mr Williams please this way. And boom.

Hagan vo: syria, iraq and a load of other countries declare war on the best friend of the most powerful country in the world. They risk annihilation at israels and americas nukes. They travel across the desert sands…

hagan: to bomb a desert and a field.

Clip- bombs.

Hagan vo: actually the explosions seem to be following them. Perhaps their trying to save the world from left behind 2 and 3 by killing kirk Cameron now.

HAGAN: Noble cause.

Clip- run into the shack. NORAD.

Hagan vo: amazing facts learned from films #6789. israeli norad is inside a shack.

Hagan: how the hell does a farmer and Mr CNN get into the israeli military command centre without a yelling at and a beating?

Clip- under attack. No one has as many enemies as israel.

Hagan: yeah. except for the nazis, and the empire, and the shadows, and sauron, and the cigarette smoking man

2 hours later

HAGAN: and me, and the master, and bill o’reilly, and any generic british hollywood villain and that nicolai ceausescu

2 hours later

hagan: and that cunt that cut me up in traffic this morning, and the guy who wrote fear her, and brannon braga and tom rothman…what am I listing again?

MINION: People who have more enemies than israel

hagan: oh.. sorry somewhere along the line I started listing people I want to kill. Serious overlap though.

Clip- the eden project would have fed the whole world.

Hagan: it would have if you shared it, you moron! This is you and your stupid bald heads fault!

Clip- planes blow up.

Hagan vo: so the planes blow up. Well thats what they say happened. It looks much more like someone is after-effecting in generic cg explosions over their crappy cgi planes. Sometimes the explosions arent anywhere near the planes!

Clip- its a cruel; trick. Only one way to find out. Buck runs out

hagan vo: so kirk cameron runs outside right underneath where the planes that are exploding are flying.

Hagan: even though the place was bombed into oblivion only minutes ago. When it was daytime. Let me say that again, when it was daytime.

Clip- flash gordon. Unprecedented solar eclipse.

Clip- sets up stuff.

Hagan vo: he sets up his satalite dildo and tells the world about this amazing miracle. Making sure to fill most of the screen himself.

Clip- to camera. Dub: ‘HEY MAW! Check it out! IM IN A GREENSCREEN!’

clip- bucks mates./ pic of triangle head.

Hagan vo: so bucks co-workers watch his daring report. One of them seems to be a distant relative of triangle head from rats.

Clip- buck woulda filmed hiroshima from ground zero.

Hagan: and stood in the way of the shot.

Clip- buck talks. Old man appears.

Hagan: ok. Thats random.

Clip- cameron reacts.

Hagan: careful there cameron. You almost did some acting.

Hagan vo: so with that the old man walks off into the night. And the fire. And the explosions. Theres israeli norad 20 feet away and no one thinks to save an old lunatic.

Clip- chicago.

Hagan: what? No 20’s style music while filling the entire screen with the sears tower to show your in chicago? Left behind your Losing your touch!

Clip- buck on tv.

Hagan vo: ahhhh kirk cameron on the news.

Hagan: in real life he only gets to do that if he says something really insane.

Clip- kirk cameron with his crocoduck.

Hagan: this guy is the star of the film!

Clip- always do as your told? You should try it some time.

Hagan: I hate that child. Its like jonathon lipnicki ate jake lloyd and was proud of it.

Clip- nose-ring.

Hagan: hmmm stock rebellious. Wears non pastel colours. Probably not a christian.

Clip- her listening to music.

Hagan vo: and yet she seems to voluntarily listen to christian pop music.

Clip- bucky barnes arrives.

Hagan: oh hai token black guy. Oh hai token black guys token black son.

The room. Clip.

Clip- talking.

HAGAN vo: the captain…. rayford steele is the other male lead of the film. He’s not a christian so in the eyes of the creators he’s clearly meant to be a horrible and unhappy person. He’s also having an affair with a stewardess.

Hagan: but nothing comes of that because she’s played by kirk camerons wife and contractually they can only do kissing scenes together, even when one of thems not actually in the film. Thats not a joke.

Fireproof- kissing scene. Sub- kirk cameron and wife as kissing double.

Clip- orgasmo. STUNT COCK!

Clip- buck going to meet dirk.

Hagan vo: so kirks character- buck meets up with someone called dirk.

Hagan: the inexplicable names just don’t stop coming.

Clip- meeting.

Hagan vo: so buck meets up with dirk and for a paranoid informant who knows about the bigger conspiracy and is feeding info to the male lead… he’s no jerry hardin as deep throat.

Clip- dirk burton being a weirdo.

Hagan: needs to be a bit more crazy but can anyone else see him filling in for glenn beck?

Clip- carpathia on tv.

Hagan vo: we’re now introduced to a romanian politician called nicolai carpathia who’s trying to bring peace to the world and end hunger.

Hagan: thats the most obvious villain name since Darkheart Rapesbabies. And I made that up. So that’s the most obvious villain name ever. And because he’s trying to bring about world peace but he’s not a fundamentalist christian he must be the antichrist.

Clip- london.

Hagan vo: That’s a shitty imitation canadian castle! that’s not london!

CLIP- goodies. Snow white 2. wont someone show me the way to london town. Its over there.

Hagan: that’s london!

Clip- carpathia and all talking.

Hagan vo: carpathia talks to an evilamerican banker that we’re supposed to think is his boss. They talk about rebuilding the temple of solomon. Because thats what evil american bankers who live in fake castles in fake london talk about. Rebuilding temples in israel. (sings- ride valkyries) Dram-dram-draaaama-dram-dram-draaama- dram-dram-dram-draaaama!

Clip- kirk cameron looks over balcony.

Hagan vo: afraid that the film has reached its contractually obligated amount of pointless shots, the director has kirk cameron stand there… and then walk away.

Clip- flight.

Hagan vo: so we’re suddenly in a plane. The Rayford steele is the captain. Oh god, Captain steele..

Hagan: which should be the name of a superhero.

Pic- photo shop. CAPTAIN STEELE!

Hagan vo: and kirk cameron is using some search engine unlike any in the real world.

Clip- people on flight.

Hagan vo: fun fact, half the extras in this scene are evangelical ministers. They paid to play people who are raptured. that’s the religious equivalent of paying a hooker for kinky fantasy role playing. But not actually having sex with them.

Hagan: which is a silly analogy because as evangelical ministers statistically speaking most of their sex will actually come from prostitutes.

Clip- stewardess. And buck.

Hagan vo: as I mentioned earlier the stewardess is mrs kirk cameron. Obviously they were attracted to each others lack of ability to act while someone else is speaking.

Hagan: im kirk cameron! Im an actor! not a re-actor!

Clip- talking about job in the un.

Hagan: how the fuck does a tall-haired dipshit get a fucking stewardess a job at the fucking UN?! What the fuck will she be doing? Serving drinks in 50 different languages?!

Clip- stewardess and captain.

Hagan vo: oooh. More connections between the main characters. How thrilling.

Clip- women’s husband vanished.

Hagan: yeah most rapture believers think their gonna leave their clothes behind… rapture believing Christians.. YOU’RE FUCKING WEIRD!

LEARNED MINION: in Leviticus 19:19 it says that gods not fond of fabric blends. Maybe if its a single fabric it gets into heaven.

HAGAN: Stop trying to make sense of their madness!

CLIP- OTHER PEOPLE HAVE VANISHED.

HAGAN VO: So a bunch of other people on the flight have vanished.

Hagan: I think he was flying religious lunatic air. He’s just lucky they didn’t try to sacrifice a faultless red heffer when they took off.

Hagan vo: its amazing that none of the people who complain about their loved ones being gone use the person name. Its always ‘my husband’, ‘my wife’, ‘my children’

hagan: almost as though becoming one with god retroactively destroyed their individuality.

Clip- people freaking out

hagan vo: so people begin to freak out

clip: theres something on the wing! (twilight zone)

clip- theres nobody flying the plane! (another gay movie)

clip- freak out

hagan vo: and because no one can break a fucking nail on a plane in a movie without someone trying to open the door. someone of course someone tries to open the door. But its OK because buck and captain adamantium get to be damn heroic together and save the day.

Clip- landed.

Hagan vo: so the plane has landed at o’hare international and theres an army of scared, worried people who are missing friends family and even their children. But its ok because the one who caused this scene- god. Loves you!

HGAAN: Rapture believing Christians… you’re fucking weird!

Clip- dog.

Hagan vo: theres even a dog looking for its owner.

Hagan: to anyone out there who actually does believe in the rapture. Do you have pets? And if so why the fuck?! You believe that at any moment you will scooped up into heaven and your pets dog or cat will be left without you. Possibly locked inside and have to slowly starve to frikkin’ death! Animal cruelty is only to be done deliberately, in italy or when its funny!

Clip- buck walking.

Hagan vo: having said all that about the terror and the worry. Half the extras look either stoned or like they don’t give a shit.

Hagan: my, a lot of atheists were flying that day.

Clip- captain house. Buck followed.

Hagan vo: so captain aluminium arrives home to find his wife and son have been raptured

hagan: like the good little glee-bots they are.

Clip- find bible.

Hagan: throws bible in dramatic expression of anger in 3-2-1.

clip- throws.

Clip- buck outside.

Hagan vo: kirk cameron followed the captain home decides to sit on the porch.

Hagan: because while he’s an international celeb, news media sensation and award winning reporter he has no friends or acquaintances in chicago. Fuck, even I know someone who lives in chicago!

Clip- night time. Army arrive.

Hagan vo: so its night time and kirk cameron is still standing out in the cold when the army arrive and force him into captain titaniums house.

Clip- daughter arrives.

Hagan vo: so there’s a bunch of tv clips that indicate that the makers of this film believe that the un is a completely separate organisation that controls whole countrys, that answers to no one and is bent on world domination and not just a talking house for different countries, and only as powerful as those countries allow it to be.

Clip-un. sub- international politics. You’re doing it wrong!

Clip- daughter sits on sofa.

Hagan vo: so even though the army are forcing people into random houses because theres martial law and a curfew captain nickels daughter arrives home without even a bullet in her head and sits on kirk camerons feet.

Clip- buck williams why are you on my sofa.

Hagan: if I came home and found kirk cameron squatting on my sofa id kill him with a lamp and search the fridge for ray comfort infestations. Ray Comfort operates a lot like rorsach.

Clip- she cries.

Hagan vo: so she cries about her brother and mum. Dram-dram-dram-drama-dramma! etc (sung, ride of the Valkyries drama singing)

clip- kirk and pilot.

Hagan vo: so kirk cameron indulges in his boring and pointless investigative plot… where he’s… investigating something that I’m still not clear on and iv watched this shit 3 times.

Hagan: once for a laugh. Once for notes taking and one for writing this review. And if anyone wants to to try and explain it to me after this goes up… fuck off, I have a machete.

Hagan vo: he then pays a loud-mouthed pilot to taker him back to new york. Or rather somewhere in cananda pretending to be new york. He finds dirk burton dead and survives a pretty… bad assassination attempt.

Hagan: the assassin thought he could kill buck and wipe incriminating evidence from a pc by shooting the monitor. There isn’t a word in any language to express how much fail this is. Except… fail.

HAGAN VO: You know, iv just realised that somewhere along the line this review stopped being ‘funny’ and starting being…. revenge. Angry, vitriolic revenge…. and I’m almost sorry. But just taking the piss out of this almost feels affectionate…. and it deserves far worse…. so… to get some laughs.

HAGAN: MINION!

Minion enters.

Hagan hands them the gun.

Hagan: shoot yourself in the head.

Minion is unsure.

Hagan; I’ll give you tomorrow off if you shoot yourself in the head.

Minion shoots self in the head quickly.

Hagan: there! VIOLENCE IS FUNNY!

Clip- captain and priest.

Hagan vo: so captain platinum meets up with the token black guy who’s bitching because although he was a priest he remains unraptured. They watch a tape from another pastor, made to be played in the event that the rapture happened and he was proved to not be completely insane.

Hagan: its one long nah-nah-nah-nah! In flowery language. Sorta like the way ‘i’ll pray for you’ is code for fuck you, you unbelieving, un-differential cunt!’

clip- outside the un.

Hagan vo: meanwhile at the UN…

hagan: actually no. that’s not the UN because those are not country flags.

Clip- outside the un.

Hagan vo: any of those look like country flags? no.

clip- carptahia and science-beard.

Hagan vo: so mr science-beard is now important enough to hang out with the antichrist. Carpathia shows him that regardless of what all the evidence says the temple of solomon wasn’t built where the dome of the rock is but instead beside it.

Hagan: why is this important? Because the rapture types believe that in order for the end times to happen the temple must be rebuilt and not even they are dumb enough to believe that the muslims would let it be rebuilt on the rock. God wiping out hundreds of planes- fine that’s faith. God changing the mind of crazy muslims?

CLIP- DOGMA, THATS JUST PLAIN GULLIBILITY.

Clip- carpathia

hagan vo: the Antichrist is played by a guy called gordon currie. Iv never seen him in any other role but this and he plays it like tim curry in congo attempting to be james bond.

Clip- the stewerdess comes to seduce captain.

Hagan vo: so the stewardess arrives to seduce captain bronze. Look at the actresses face- she’s obviously uncomfortable and finding it incredibly difficult to play a woman with a sex life.

Hagan: its not that hard to play someone diametrically opposed to yourself. Take a look.

Cut to hagan acting. On box.

hagan: Im a shy, small voiced short and non violently inclined meek person who loves people in black masks, is greatly enjoying left behind and understands subtlty. Oh and I love the cock.

Back to hagan: . Yasee?!

Clip-stewerdess, capt and daughter

hagan vo: unfortunately for the stewardess the captain is now a Christian so she runs off. captain iron immediately begins proselytising to his daughter.

Hagan: lovely. She gets rid of her religious nutjob mum and brother and now shes got a religious nutjob dad.

Clip- she reads bible.

Hagan vo: she reads the bible and joins the collective- from this moment on loses the noise ring, drops her semblance of a personality and starts wearing pastels.

Clip- meeting in a pub.

Hagan vo: because he’s in the middle of that pointless investigative plot that im still unable to follow kirk Cameron meets up with… some guy… who then dies in a car bombing.

Hagan: byebye whoever you were…

clip- reaction shot.

Hagan vo: I love the fact that after kirk was thrown backwards he holds his ankle and has blood coming from his thigh.

Confused hagan is confused.

Clip- kirk cameron to steels house. Then church.

Hgaan vo; so kirk cameron limps all the way to the captains house in the suburbs of chicago

hagan: that isn’t as dumb as it could have been as the car bombing did happen in chicago. But still… limping to the suburbs! I’ve been to chicago, the suburbs are… pretty far away the carbombings!

Clip- then church.

Hagan vo; instead of a hospital the new Christian zombies take him to a church where they show him the tape.

Clip- ring. Sadakos tape.

Hagan: I wish.

Clip- pastor billings.

Hgaan vo: no its the nya-na-nanananana! Tape. Luckily kirk cameron manges to remain somewhat rational.

Clip- I admit this stuff is compelling. And scary.

Hagan: Minion! Facepalm!

MINION leaves screen and returns with something to stand on. Gets on box by hagan, raises hand to infront of hagans face. She facepalms.

Clip- this stuff is compelling.

Hagan: actually no… thats not enough… Jimmy, do you have anything to say to this asshole?

CLIP- THISS TUFF IS COMPLELLING

CLIP- HEY! DONT GIVE ME ANY SHT!

Hagan: thanks.

Clip- kirk cameron getting into the un.

Hagan vo: so kirk goes to the non-UN and through the only ex-stewardess to walk the halls of power he gets in to see science-beard and the antichrist and quickly realises he is in fact the antichrist.

Hagan: forcing kirk cameron to try and act.

Clip- kirk cameron trying to act. In toilet.

Hagan: Kirk Cameron crying… this is a lovely image…

hgan vo: (excited) yes kirk cameron, your worlds shattered, creationisms still not taught in schools, yes. Yes, yes..cry! Cry! Bananas were made the way they are by humans! Yes! Cry! You made up the crocoduck! Yes! Yes! Cry! Yo’ve ot been in success since the early 90’s. Cry! Cry! Yes!

Cut to hagans face. Embarrassed.

Hagan raises hands.

HAGAN: I wasnt. Not that it isnt…. almost worth… masturbating too… Minion, masturbate to this image.

Minion doesnt want to

HAGAN: Do it!

MINION puts hand below shot. Cries and Imitates masturbation. Cut between hagan smiling and minion crying and kirk cameron crying. Sound of liquidy explosion.

Cut back to hagan and minion. minion mask is covered in sticky white stuff.

Minion: may I go clean up mistress?

Hagan: yes. thank you minion.

Minion walks off.

KIRK CAMERON CRYING.

Hagan: Does he actually think he can act?! fuck this (pulls out phone) I’m gonna ask him myself.

Clip- star-ving. Dub on ‘please god let this not be diamanda hagan again’

hagan: Hi Kirk… fucker turned his phone off again!

Clip- kirk in un chambers.

Hagan vo: so kirk joins the UN inner chambers (sub- complete with villain lighting!) and the antichrist give a villain speech and shoots the 2 guys who financed him for… some reason and then brainwashes everyone into thinking that one killed the other and then committed suicide.

Hagan: surely if he can brainwash people like that he could have made one kill the other and then commit suicide. Rather than have all that fingerprint and dna evidence pointing at him.

Hagan vo: the memory is the least important bit of evidence in an investigation. It doesn’t matter if everyone thinks that guy committed suicide, he shot him and the physical evidence will clearly show that.

Hagan: this makes no sense!

Hagan vo: and why the hell are a couple of american bankers who live in a fake castle in fake london who want to build a temple in israel in what is supposed to be a top secret meeting between representatives at the un? And why shoot them?! And why give a villain speech before you kill them if your going to wipe everyone’s minds?! and why does the UN crest look fucking weird?!… and…

hagan: WHY ISNT THIS OVER YET?!

Clip- ending.

Hagan vo: so the brainwashing didn’t work on kirk because of… magic and he goes off to hang out with the rest of the borg in chicago.

Hagan: there are worse places to hang out. There’s an awesome pizza place near the train station in chicago.

Clips-

hagan vo: so… left behind. It was slow, stupid, boring, crap, insulting and worst of all the most ethically bankrupt film iv ever reviewed. Yes id rather a child was raised on the messages contained in ilsa she wolf of the ss than on this. Its just warped. AND STUPID! And you know what?

Hagan: if you believe in the rapture do not drive. You think you could be taken at any time. What do you think will happen if your driving when it happens? YOU’LL END UP KILLING people. KILLING people AND SENDING THEM TO HELL. Because everyone left on earth after the rapture are not a Christian and therefore not going to heaven. So please- don’t drive. Put your money where your mouth is and act as though you both believe the shit you say you believe and have decency to not want to send innocent people to hell.

A beat.

Hagan: and one more thing! Now, I’m not the most ethical person out there.

A Beat.

HAGAN: stop laughing. I’ll prove it. Minion. Cunnilingus time.

2 minions off to side. One MINION comes in kneels down in front of HAGAN.

A FEW BEATS.

Hagan takes out guns, shoots MINION and cums.

HAGAN: I like the spazzing movements the mouth makes as the bullet enters their nervous system.

A beat.

Hagan: now. I wouldn’t do anything as fucked up as the god of this film. Never! At least when I kill my minions their dead! Tell the god of this film you don’t love him and he’ll torture you forever! That’s horrible!… god of this movie… when your out-moral’d by someone who just shot someone while they going down on them because the like the feeling of the person dying while pleasuring them… you’re pretty fucked up. In fact.. Id make a better god than you.

Cut to other minion. MINION enters. Whispers into hagans ear.

HAGAN: You’re right! I am a god. I AM a better god than the one in this film! WORSHIP ME!

MINION worships.

HAGAN: Jesus took 3 days to come back to life. Lets see how long it takes me!

Hagan shoots self in the head.

The review

The Flubs/ Behind the Scenes

Scripts- The Man from Hong Kong

This is one of the movies I knew I wanted to review since the start. Right when I first decided to do a review show I came accross the documentary ‘Not Quite Hollywood’ which introduced me to Ozsploitation. Thanks to it I got a bunch of films and several ended up on my to-review list (even if only 2 have been done so far).

In the early days I was trying to do a Brian Trenchard-Smith film every season. I stopped with s3 because I decided that Dead End Drive-in wouldn’t make a good ep. I might go back to it sometime though.

I went into this energised because Id recently become the hottest thing on the TGWTG forum due to the Land Before Time 8 review. I think I did okay, I was still quite popular after it went up.

This was the first ep I sent to TGWTG and got me my first rejection from them. Somewhere between this and Faust my show became good enough to pick up. Any idea why?

I wrote parts of the the first half of s2 in a hotel room in london when all I had was a dvd layer, some films and a big note pad. It was fun.

Lastly, watch out for the Avatar of Decent Humours original name too…

The man from hong kong

Whether you like it or not…

HAGAN: Greetings gentle viewers to series 2 of the Diamanda Hagan reviews! To celebrate this unique and perfect moment in history I shall execute 7,000 slaves…. offscreen. (Looks off screen. off screen screams)its a pity that none of you can see the amazing industry of death set up just out of the range of the camera. Its amazing. Unfortunately it will have to exist only in your minds eye.

MINION: We could move the camera, Mistress.

HAGAN: No! We cant!

MNINION: It is easy mistress! I will just..

HAGAN: Touch that camera, move it there and you will DIE!

MINION: but Its just a wall mistress.

MINION stays still. Looks scared. A beat later HAGAN shoots him dead. HAGAN sheepishly looks back to the camera.

HAGAN: Now the movie! Tonight we go back to the year 1975 and the work of the director BrianTrenchardsmith…

Pic- brian trenchard smith. Operatic epic music. Possibly conan.

HAGAN: The guy who made turkey shoot.

Clip- turkey shoot.

HAGAN: This is Australian Chop-socky, this is the MAN FROM HONG KONG…… bitches…

clip- man from hong kong.

Clip- open on ayers rock.

HAGAN vo: We open on Ularu, or Ayers rock as you crazy white imperialists like to call it. Why there?

HAGAN: Because australia has like 2 landmarks that anyone outside of there gives a shit about.

Clip- time lapse. Morning.

HAGAN VO: we seem to get a time lapse shot of dawn over the rock. But with real-time time jungle sounds.

HAGAN: Proof that light travels faster than sound, I guess.

Clip- thin young john cleese with bag

HAGAN VO: thin-young-john cleese is a criminal there to exchange bags with triad-guy-younger-sammo-hung.

Clip- the bags.

HAGAN VO: Very very conspicuous bags.

Clip- roger ward.

Hagan vo: luckily there’s an equally conspicuous cop there to take pictures of them.

Hagan: if anyone involved was slightly competent then the others would be at his mercy.

Clip- ward.

Hagan vo: the conspicuous cop is played by… ROGER WARD (Fanfare) the badass australian actor who by this point in his career… hasn’t yet worked out that a shaved head and moustache is his ideal look.

Clip- sammo hung.

Hagan vo: besides being a member of the triad sammo hung is guilty of a much more heinous crime-

HAGAN: One day starring in martial law!

Clip- john cleese spots roger ward.

Hagan vo: thin-young-john cleese spots roger ward and we hear… 70’s action music!

Clip- action. Ward and hung.

Hagan vo: roger ward chases sammo hung up the rock… hey!

HAGAN: Thats not one rock, that’s… many rocks! What a gyp!

MINION: Its made of sandstone.

HAGAN: What?

MINION: The rock is made of sandstone. It wears down and breaks apart. Its still one rock. Just bits have fallen off…

HAGAN: Well it should be protected by the aboriginal-fucking-gods then shouldnt it?!

MINION: I don’t know…

A beat. Uncomfy.

MINION: Maybe you should just watch the film.

HAGAN: I will!

Clip- fighting on the top.

Hagan vo: ward and hung kick the crap out of each other on the top of the rock.

HAGAN: given that its a religious site. I wonder how this scene woulda played out at the kabaa.

Pic- still from fight editted into pic of the kabaa.

Hagan: probably very badly.

Pic- angry islamic protestors. With ‘behead those who photoshop fight-scenes onto the kaaba!’

hagan: yeah. Like that.

Clip- fighting., ward wins.

HAGAN VO: Because this is one of the few films where a large, muscular white guy can defeat an asian martial arts expert in one on one combat sammo is soon defeated.

Clip- who sent you? Hung answers. Yeah and I love you too.

Clip- music.

HAGAN: 70’s…. rock… anthem….

CUT TO HAGAN flanked by 2 minions. Hagan lipsynches to the song. The minions use tennis rackets as guitars. Intercut with the opening.

Clip- handgliding.

HAGAN VO: So we’re in hong kong and someone’s handgliding about.

HAGAN: now thats a Chekovs handglider if ever iv seen one.
Clip- lands.

Hagan vo: the glider lands in the middle of the grounds of the hong kong police special branch training ground. Allowing the user- a brunette from Australia to become the first notch on star- jimmy wang yu’s bedpost.

Clip- do you often take white girls to bed? Only on tuesdays and thursday.

Hagan: im quite sure that is going to be the source of an ongoing joke this review.

Clip- airport.

Hagan vo: so jimmy wang-yu goes to australia to pick up sammo hung.

Hagan: but before he gets on the plane we get some truly weird ‘airline travel’ music.

Clip- jimmy looking over pix of sammo. (DUB- mmmm fat chinese guy in black and white. Must be Sunday) closes file (DUB- no im on business)

clip- arrives. Handshakes.

Hagan vo: so jimmy wang-yu meets up with roger ward and the aptly named Sargent grosse.

Clip- fancy a cup of tea? Little cafe

HAGAN VO: So they go to a little cafe at the sydney fucking opera house.

Hagan: the other australian landmark that people in the rest of the world give a shit about

HAGAN VO: Now this just annoys me. The obviousness of the landmark placement. sydney airport is ten fucking miles from sydney!

HAGAN: I looked it up.

HAGAN VO: and then theres driving in sydney and parking near the opera house… why not just take him to a fucking pub near the police station!… Seriously. Film makers of the future, please don’t feel the need to put landmarks in your film. I believe that you filmed where you filmed. I don’t need it proven by pointless shots of landmarks.

Hagan: if anything… your protesting too much… and looking a little insecure. As though you could only afford to film in south africa, with 2 days in australia for pickups….

Clip- prison. Oi! Vistor for you!

HAGAN VO: So the australian police have put relations with asia back decades by locking their only chinese prisoner in a zoo.

Clip- taking sammo to room.

Hagan vo: jimmy decides to interrogate sammo by himself.

Clip- fight. Cut to pool.

HAGAN: Nice cut! Lets look at that again!

Clip- fight- pool.

HAGAN: That’s brilliant. Breaking the balls to…breaking the balls……… one more time!

Clip- star trek. Naked time. ONE MORE TIME!

Clip- fight-pool.

HAGAN (giggles):

clip- fighting.

Hagan vo: so Jimmy keeps up the ‘interrogation’

hagan: I think jimmy wang-yu might have worked for the US forces in iraq.

Clip- fight.

Hagan vo: and eventually he ‘interrogates’ the guys head into the toilet.

Hagan: which I… kind of hope he flushed first.

Clip- talking. Cops.

Hagan vo: so sammo hung reveals he’s working for the terror of the asian underworld, a giant of international crime, the man so feared that few who know his name live!

Clip- whilton.

HAGAN VO: GEORGE LAZENBY!

Clip- george lazenby- KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE. I SAY THIS BUILDING IS UNSAFE!

Clip- driving to the court. Grant page.

HAGAN VO: So they take sammo to court to get him extradited back to china. Unfortunately gonzo-stunt-legend grant page has got himself a sniper rifle and is sitting on the roof of the building across the street.

Clip- dead.

Hagan: bit of a crap sniper. Free shot. Time to set up and all he got was one of sammo’s man-boobs. But given that this is his day job.

Clip- grant stunt work.

HAGAN: I;’ll let him off.

Clip- chase.

Hagan vo: jimmy wang yu chases after grant page. Its filled with thrills and unnecessary things like like jimmy knocking a man off a ladder.

Clip- motorbike. Kick. (DUB ON ‘tetsuo!’)

clip- fight chinese

hagan vo: they finally face off in a Chinese restaurants kitchen. Grant page gets his trousers split and shows off his

clip- still. Dub on CONDORPANTS!

HAGAN VO: and Jimmy fondles another mans balls…
HAGAN: Seeing a pattern

clip- fighting in restaurant.

Hagan vo: the flight spills out into the restaurant and…

clip- kick to the balls.

Hagan: the balls again! The south may rise again, but this guy never will.

Clip- fighting. Benny hill.

Hagan vo: so after the longest, silliest fight this side peter versus the chicken the thing that finally kills the assassin is a bottle broken over his head and ending up slightly damp.
Clip- walk and talk.

Hagan vo: jimmy wang yu and the 2 cops talk about the identity of the late assassin, how he worked for whilton.

Hagan: aka… GEORGE LAZENBY!

Clip- I say this building is unsafe!

Clip- walk and talk.

Hagan vo: just had a thought. If they remade this today.. how about phillip gleinster as roger ward. Jack black as sargent gross and tony jaa as jimmy wang-yu. Call it the man from bangkok.

Clip- whilton.

Hagan vo: So we cut to george lazenby who is recovering well from his tom-sellickoplasty and ready to let his stunt man kick the crap out of a group of mixed martial arts experts.

Clip- fight. Seeing whilton.

hagan vo: having established that lazenby can beat up his henchmen the film now lets the heroes go and visit him.

Clip- chatting. Jimmy wang yu breaks in.

hagan vo: so jimmy breaks in, and then breaks the fingers of lazenbys receptionist.

HAGAN: Least subtle investigation. Ever.

Clip- madam im adam. Cutting building in half.

Hagan: ok. Second least subtle.

Clip- grosse yelling.

HAGAN VO: Sargent Gross is not happy with Jimmys methods.

CLIP- this is australia mate! (this is sparta!) Not the 55 days of peking! Hey! Dont give me any shit!

Hagan laughs

hagan: I love that line, the way he says it. You can put it after anything.

Clip- full metal jacket/ hey dont give me any shit!

Clip- Mary poppins/ hey dont give me any shit!

Clip- its a fake/ hey dont give me any shit!

Clip- christ you dirty beasts, thats why our water gets
poluted/ hey dont give me any shit!

Clip- guys at jimmyd bedroom.

Hagan vo: george lazenby sends some goons to kill jimmy.

Clip- jimmy answers door. (Dub: 2 chinese men! With knives! But its wednesday!)

clip- training.

Hagan vo: after beat ting the his attackers up jimmy partakes in some oddly arty training footage. And sees a pigeon. (DUB- A pigeon.. I wish it was monday…)

clip- talking on phone.

hagan vo: wishing he could have sex with the pigeon reminded him that its thursday. A white women day and so goes to see the hanglider from earlier on in the hope of getting some.

Clip- jimmy ‘im lookin for a man’

HGAAN: But jimmy its a thursday! You’ll have to wait until tomorrow!

Clip- lazenby arrows.

Hagan vo: so lazenby is doing his william tell routine and the handglider woman brings jimmy to meet him.

Hagan: there’s an instant attraction…

clip- shots of jimmy and lazenby. Add on dirty dancing music.
Hagan: lazenby seems to be a weird mix of racist and an asianophile..

Clip- I understand your language, culture etc…. I never met a chinese that didnt have a streak of yellow.

Clip- fighting.

Haganvo: so they fight., its not that interesting.

HAGAN: Neither of the actors are actual martial artists. They just pretended and used stunt men so your not missing much.

Clip- jimmy wang yu. Not quite hollywood.

Hagan vo : the star of this film is jimmy WANG yu. A man who according to the film ‘not quite hollywood’- was racist, beat up the director while he filmed his cameo, narrowly avoided being assaulted by roger ward and would eat flies before he had kissing scenes. So yeah Jimmy WANG Yu was aptly named..

HAGAN: Because He was a real knob! (laughs)

a beat.

HAGAN standing. Pleased with self. Spirit of decent humour arrives. Smacks hagan on head. Knocked over.

SPIRIT OF DECENT HUMOUR: I told you to stop making bad jokes!

HAGAN (ON FLOOR): Didn’t I burn you?

Flashback to memory run.

SPIRIT: You think mere fire can destroy me- the spirit of decent humour?! While those who profane humour live, I live! And you profane it… a lot… but… no more…

HAGAN and SPIRIT stare at each other. Dramatic music.

HAGAN shoots the SPIRIT. It falls dead. HAGAN gets up, speaks to a MINION. Who takes notes.

HAGAN: burn that, grind it up, feed it to dogs, kill the dogs, shred them, feed them to smaller dogs, take their faeces, desecate it, burn it, take the ashes, mix them with cement and finally sow the area with salt!

MINIOn looks over the notes. Thinking

A Beat.

MINION: Burn that?

HAGAN (sigh): yes… burn that.

Clip- martial arts school

HAGAN VO: the fight scene ended as pointlessly as it began and later that night jimmy decides to break into a martial arts training school that lazenby owns.

Clip- beats up trenchard smith.

HAGAN: This is getting ridiculous. Seriously, wouldnt this cause an international incident? Someone working for the govt of hong kong breaks into australian businesses? And assaults australian citizens who work there? Wouldnt this cause severe friction between the two nations?

Clip- smith. Alarm.

HAGAN VO: He pulls the minion alarm ans they come running

Clip- mrtial artists run in. add an alarm. Either star trek sone or someone screaming ‘miiiinions! Miniiiiiions!’

clip- fighting.

Clip- punches a guy in the nuts.

hagan: another groin hit! Fucking hell, he’s the real life cock puncher!

Clip- cock puncher.

Clip- fighting and escape.

Hagan vo: so jimmy decides that 30 guys with bladed weapons is too much for him and runs.

HAGAN: Bruce Lee, Tony Jaa or Mas Oyama would have stayed. They would have made their enemies bleed. They would have made them feel fear.

Clip- he’s saved by some kids in a van.

HAGAN: Luckily not the kids from children of the living dead

clip- abbot hayes! Crash.

Clip- take him to vet

hagan vo: the kids take jimmy to a vet.

Hagan: no comment.

Clip- jimmy recuperating.

HAGAN VO: So jimmy re-cooperates and falls in love with one of the kids.

Clip- montage. Can I make love to you? I think I could stand the pain.

Hagan: in the cheesiest and least subtle way possible.

Clip- mmm this is nice. What did you expect, accupuncture?

Clip- transformers the movie ‘this is bad comedy’

Clip- Sargent grosse and the handglider woman.

HAGAN VO: In order to convince the audience that she has a point in the film sargent grosse goes to see the handglider woman.

Clip- small population and he’s getting through them very fast.

HAGAN: Yeah. He’s killed something like 12% already.

Clip- cars.

Hagan vo: lazenby sends his elite driving team to kill jimmy.

HAGAN: In rather crappy looking vehicles…

clip- her dead. Him pissed.

HAGAN VO: The woman he just met and just fell in love with dies in the crash and he decides to get his vengeance on.

Clip- gets into car. Driver.

Hagan vo: so they drive. Drive-drive-drive. Drive. Boom. Drive-drive-drive… drive-drive-drive. SMASH! Driiiiiiive-drive-drive. BOOM!

Clip-roger ward and sargent gross inspect some of the damage done by jimmy in the car chase.

Hagan vo: roger ward and Sargent gross inspect some of the damage done by jimmy in the car chase. Why? It gives gross a chance to show off his prototype fessick the giant look.

Clip- princess bride. Fessick.

Clip- handgliding.

Hagan vo: jimmy goes to see the handgliding woman and borrows the glider form the start of the film and uses it to get into george lazenbys penthouse on the top floor of a skyscraper.

HAGAN: I knew it. Chekovs handglider.

CLIP- GETS INTO THE PENTHOUSE.

HAGANVO: So jimmy and lazenby face off. The sub-bruce lee versus the worst james bond. Bad acting versus bad acting. Able stuntman versus able stuntman.

Clip- fighting. Jimmy hits lazenby. (dub: tHATS FOR THE RETURN OF THE MAN FROM UNCLE! THATS FOR GAME OF DEATH! THATS FOR HER MAJESTYS SECRET SERVICE!

Clip- safe

Hagan vo: so while lazenby is napping jimmy takes a look in the safe. Its filled with enough munitions to blow up a skyscraper.

HAGAN: Which of course it will end up doing:)

hagan vo: jimmy arranges for lazenby to have one of the funnier deaths in film history.

Clip- attaches grenade. Pin comes out. Locks him in safe. Escapes. What do you do for an encore? Booooom!

HAGAN: and like I said earlier, jimmy is a operative of the hong kong govt he has been beating up austrlian citizens, killing them, speeding, stealing cars, destroying property and now has bombed one of their skyscrapers. Would it be inconceivable to see something like this in the next few days?

CLIP- DAY TODAY. WAR SKIT.

HAGAN: So that was the man from hong kong. Far from my favourite chopsocky film- that’s fist of fury but a solid bit of action from brian-trenchard smith. Its one of the great films that never was. Originally it was supposed to star bruce lee. I can just imagine how brilliant that would have been. Alas we were left with jimmy wang yu, who can be best described as… not bruce lee… I’m diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day…

Scripts- Resident Evil review

This episode was written as an April Fools where Teddy would play Hagan. We werent going to mention that until right at the end when originally scripted I’d come out as Aleister and ask Hagan if she lost weight. Alas Teddy had trouble remembering the to-camera parts of the review and after several hours we gave up and eventually I re-tooled it as a basic Hagan review.

We used the fact he had makeup on as the basis for the intro to the Bosco review. That ep had been written and I had it on me but filming it that night was a last minute thing. Iv lost the Bosco script unfortunately.

This is probably my least favourite episode of Hagan, the films not a Hagan review film, the skits were cut for time and Im not convinced its any good.

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

HAGAN: Greetings gentle viewers and welcome to a very special between the series review. A Request from Owen. Tonight we watch…a piece of torture equipment, used mainly in conjunction with pliers, the rack and the bronze bull. I give you…

MINION Whispers in hagans ear.

HAGAN (shocked): Its NOT a piece of torture equipment?! Jeezus Really?… (back on track) this is resident evil(shaking head) fucking hell (pulls out microphone)

SOMEONE TIED TO CHAIR. IN FRONT OF RESIDENT EVIL.

HAGAN (VO ANNOUNCEMENT): Resident evil is technically not torture. Untie him and put him in the iron maiden instead.

MINION unties him.

SOMEONE: Thank you! Thank you!

HAGAN (puts microphone away): Anyway. As I was saying. This is resident evil.

cllip- resident evil.

CLIP- UMBRELLA CORP. details of umbrella corp. what they are known for. What they really do.
HAGAN: Ok. First of all.

HAGAN VO:If 9 out of 10 homes have its products AND it? the world leading supplier of Computer tech, medical products AND healthcare but its wealth is generated by military tech, genetic experiments and viral weaponry then…

HAGAN: economics, your doing it wrong! Do these people realise how much money is made in computer tech, medical products and health care?! No?!… neither do I but its a fuck load.
A Beat

HAGAN: And if the people who work for umbrella have no idea what they make and do they fucking employ monkeys?! Have they a legion of nameless, brainless, organ donors ?!… have they been using my minion banks

Clip- room in darkness. LAB.

HAGAN VO: Theres a room inside a black hole and someone in a hazard suit is working some robotic arms. You can tell this is the present day- the hazard suit is white. He is stealing some rather nifty paperweights.

HAGAN: Id love one of those for my desk. Its big, black and screams ?eath-dealing-mistress-of-destruction-but-approachableand that paperweight would really off-set the skulls.

Clip- guy throws paperweight. Closes door.

HAGAN VO: So the guy chucks the paperweight and leaves the room.

HAGAN: Ahh they want us to wonder about the identity of the paperweight destroying madman. That? a twist.

Clip- gas from the smashed paperweight.

HAGAN vo: I guess what was in it was extremely hot no wonder they kept it locked up.

HAGAN: I want one even more. Easily smashable, extremely hotjust imagine the fun I could have with that!

Skit- HAGAN behind a door. Head around doorway.

HAGAN: Minion come in here!

MINION ENTERS. Closes door.

HAGAN voice: Want to see something funny?

MINION: Yes.

Sound of glass smashing. Minion screams. Sound of flame. HAGAN laughs.
Clip- Gas in air.

Hagan vo: alas its not extremely hot just an unoriginal special effect representing a virus in the air. The dogs that are locked up immediately begin to bark.

HAGAN: these dogs can smell a virus in the air. And they want to attack it. I guess some sort of congratulations are in order, your secret genetic experiment labs full of guys who dont know what their doing have been very busy!

Clip- computer watching.

HAGAN VO: So the trusty sentient computer watches and discovers that the virus has been released. Why it had no idea that some guy stole the virus and broke it open before it got released I dont know. Maybe it can see but it cant hear.

HAGAN: Anyway like all hyper-intelligent computers who are faced with a virus that does nothing to the people who breathe it in unless they happen to die- then they turn into zombies, a virus whose cure is easily available in the same labs… the computer decides the best course of action is to kill everyone.

CLIP- OF COURSE!

Clip- killing.

Clip- dropping lift.

Clip- house haunted hill, lift ride.

HAGAN: Its a practical joker psycho computer! In many ways thats the best type.
Clip- woman tries to escape the lift. Nearly killed.

HAGAN: Oooh that nutty computer!

Clip- computer watching. Dub on sound- druscilla from buffy (bored now)

Clip- kills her.

HAGAN: The computer also decides to seal the doors to the base and doesnt send any messages to the outside world to let people know what has happened. Super intelligent computers! Willing to act like retards in order to allow the story to happen!

Clip- milla jovitch on ground.

HAGAN VO: So we cut to milla jovitch and…

HAGAN: Hey! PG Rated nudity!

Clip- mila jovitch.

HAGAN VO: So she’s lying on the floor of a shower, just waking up. Perhaps she’s been trying to forget seeing children of the living dead. Although the showers running she’s not wet.

HAGAN: Perhaps she just likes to stand naked and dry in the shower while she plays a sounds of the shower relaxation CD.

Clip- looking in mirror.

HAGAN VO: Mila jovitch has woken up with amnesia. This means she has flashbacks to her life that are both hyper-stylised AND not from her point of view.

Clip- looking around.

HAGAN VO: She looks around, not at all pleased even though she seems to live in a mansion.
Clip- find gun.

HAGAN: Ahhhh I stand corrected. Shes woken up in ted nugents house.

Clip- ted nugent.

HAGAN: Or perhaps the house of that couple in tremors.

Clip- mila jovitch in dress.

HAGAN VO: So mila jovitch has gone exploring and oh fuck…

HAGAN: Ladies and gentlemen and all those in between if you woke up with alone with amnesia, naked, would you choose a slinky, fuck-me dress to go exploring a big spooky mansion in?

Clip- frank n furter.

HAGAN: Ok. He might.

Clip- she goes outside. Hallway shortens…

Clip- lord of the rings. Get off the road!

CLIP- SHE RUNS INSIDE. PEOPLE ATTACK.

HAGAN: there were perfectly good doors…

HAGAN VO: By the music I guess we’re meant to be terribly excited by this scene. Riveting stuff.
Clip- I want your report. The housesprimary defences.

HAGAN: Primary defences? The sort of defences that let any random commando squad thats hanging around burst through its windows? Damn thats Efficient.

CLIP- SHES PROBLY STILL AFFECTED…

HAGAN: Oh the primary defence systems that make everyone inside the house go unconscious and wake up with no memory. Ya know, what? even worse…

Clip- talking. Ooh exciting.

HAGAN VO: The guy with a gun against his head is a local cop. Who… dropped in for some reason.

Clip- colin salmon reveals self.

HAGAN: Hey! Its colin salmon!… playing a.. badass… American… commando…

Clip- dr who- silence in the library. Dr moon.

HAGAN: No. Not seeing it.

Clip- michelle Rodriguez and guy blow me’

HAGAN: Oh I would love to michelle Rodriguez. But first a question for the audience- no matter how much she’s based her entire life and career on Vasquez from aliens HOW DOES A 16 YEAR OLD END UP IN AN ELITE COMMANDO TEAM?!

Clip- team on train.

HAGAN VO: Turns out the base and labs were miles underground and far from the mansion and are only accessible by a secret train link.

HAGAN: Makes you wonder exactly why they had guard dogs in the lab.

Clip- on train

HAGAN: And just to make things even dumber the base and labs where they build up all sorts of crazy viruses and genetic experiments is RIGHT UNDERNEATH A CITY.

Clip- on train.

HAGAN VO: The team find mila jovitchs husband. Take this as a commentary on their acting ability if you want- He went onto star in Rome and she ended up fucking the director of the film.

CLIP- CECIL B DEMENTED- I FUCK ALL MY DIRECTORS CECIL! I AM NOT ALL OF YOUR DIRECTORS!

Clip- at base.

HAGAN VO: The team have dragged the cop and their two amnesiacs with them as they go into the base to find out what happened and to destroy the computer for being mental. None of them are wearing masks or hazard suits even though there are serious bio weapons in the labs. There were no bio weapons in the mansion and they wore gasmasks in there.

Clip- red queen has locked onto us. She knows we’re here. Whos the red queen etc.

HAGAn: gotta love the psycho murdering computers dedication to the story over logic by not continuing its pattern and killing the team.

Clip- lets see how bad the flooding is.

HAGAN: The flooding looks pretty bad…

Clkip- what happened.

Hagan VO: So you don’t have a way to shut down a super intelligent AI that you calmly describe as having gone ‘homicidal’ from far away from it?

HAGAN: (points) You, you and you and everyone who is not mila jovitch and whoever is her love interest are going to die. I’m guessing the other one will not be michelle Rodriguez as this film is not interesting enough to have a love story between mila jovitch and a 16 year old female commando… Mores the fucking pity.

CLIP- HE GIVES HER COAT. ITS COLD IN HERE…

HAGAN: And she’s too dumb to dress appropriately.

Clip- guy stares at the grating.

HAGAN vo: the cop stares at a grating in a needlessly ominous way. This pointless moment has been brought to you by director paul Anderson.

Clip- them walking away. Close on zombie.

HAGAN: and she dramatically wakes up for a jump-scare in 3-2-1!

Clip- zombie wakes up.

Clip- supposed to be dining hall b. maybe they are keeping some secrets etc.

HAGAN: Oh no! they found the evil corporations SECRET DRY ICE FACTORY! (dramatic cord)

Clip- red queen chamber.

HAGAN VO: So the computer is called the red queen and they have reached its mainframe. But they have to walk though an ominous corridor to get there…

Clip- team in corridor. Music.

HAGAN: oooh danger music.

Clip- whats that? Laser.

HAGAN: I love that he asked that question before the laser appeared.

Clip- lasers. Kills woman.

HAGAN VO: The laser kills the woman and even though the wound is well and truly cauterised she still manages to bleed from the stump in her neck. So the lasers keep coming and before long…

Clip- kills colin salmon.

HAGAN: id say thats pretty cool but iv already seen cube.

Clip- cube.

HAGAN: Cube. When watching a film named after a shape. Accept no substitutes.

CLIP- LASERS AGAIN.

HAGAN VO: Im wondering. Why didnt the lasers just do that to begin with?

HAGAN: now think about this. We are watching a zombie film. Set in a secret genetic experiments lab and so far half the heroes have been killed by lasers!

Clip- frikking laser beams.

Clip- inner chamber.

HAGAN vo: so they set up an EMP device to destroy the computer.

Clip- red queen appears. Shes a holographic representation of the red queen.

HAGAN: Why the hell would you spend that sort of money on a hologram that almost no-one will see?!

Clip- power down.

HAGAN VO: the pulse pulses and the computer goes down cutting the power and opening all of the locked doors and releasing the zombies…

HAGAN: What the fuck sort of lock opens with such strength that the doors open when the power is cut?!

Clip- zombie.

Hagan vo: So yeah. There are zombies now.

CLIP- ZOMBIE BITES MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ.

HAGAN: Heh. I want to eat her too.

Clip- shoots zombie.

Clip- you shot me you a-hole (dr evil)

Clip- kills zombie. What was going on? Zombies body vanished.

HAGAN: (sigh) This might appear to be a dumb moment but I have real genuine footage of zombies that explode and vanish after being killed.

Clip- zsazsa.

HAGAN: I’m getting tired of covering for bad zombie movies. Resident evil, you owe me.
Zombie watching.

HAGAN: A zombie voyeur? Oooh fuck. Not more stealth zombies…

Clip- zombuies approach. Fighting.

HAGAN VO: zombies shamble in, they gun them down again I think its supposed to be exciting.

CLIP- LETS GO!

CLIP- ALIENS- MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!

HAGAN: Sorry I needed a clip from a film thats actually exciting to remind me I’m still alive.
Clip- thing explodes, fire. Fighting. Music- START A FIRE.

Clip- guy shoots and runs. Zombie falls over way to late to have been shot by him.

HAGAN (shocked): Holy crap. That was uwe boll level of incompetence!

Replay bit. Arrow on zombie that fell over too late.

HAGAN VO: How the hell did they not notice that?!

HAGN: I mean what the fuck?! HOW CAN THAT GET BY YOU! HOW DO YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT?! You stupid f-ing pieces of crap! (microphone) MINION!

MINION enters. HAGAN shoots MINION. MINION stands. MINION falls a second later.

HAGAN: So where were we? Oh yeah, the redshirts are going to the lift.

Clip- they get into the lift. Guy gets grabbed- HAHA. Add the adagio for strings over the slow mo death.

Clip- red queen chamber.

Hagan vo: so they run off and get into the mainframe and discuss how no-one seems to know what a zombie is.

Clip- you let them out

HAGAN: Kind of the job you were there to do, Michelle. Dont blame him, blame the designers of such shit doors, computers and well blame everyone involved in your company really. If there was an iota of intelligent matter in the staff this wouldnt have happened.

Clip- mila jovitch by self. Dog.

HAGAN VO: Mila jovitch has gone off by herself and of course ended up in a lab with the dogs. Who have burst out of their cages and developed a sudden case of harlequin icthyosis.

Pic- harlequin icthyosis.

Clip- dog attacks.. mila jovitch kicks. Dub- I know kung fu.

HAGAN: Hardly a fair fight. Mila the Nordic ninja versus lassie the plague-dog. Now this would be a worthy opponent!

Clip- karate dog.

Clip- cop looking in an office.

Hagan vo: because he’s a moron the cop is looking for his sister who worked in the offices.
Clip- shes there.

Hagan vo: And whatya know she there and she’s one of those harmless looking zombies who dramatically attack when their close.

Clip- mila splats her

HAGAN VO: Mila kills her with a paperweight.

HAGAN: That is a nice paperweight.

Clip- mila and cop.

Hagan vo: turns out that the cop isn’t a cop and is actually an activist who’s been trying to reveal what’s been going on in the labs. His sister was trying to get ahold of the virus to give it to the govt and had a contact with high level clearance who had offered to give her it.

HAGAN: We’re supposed to think that mila stole the virus for her and at the last minute changed her mind and decided to sell the virus instead. And set it off in the base to cover her tracks.

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: I’m not really sure how much use the virus would be in a war situation anyway. It doesn’t kill your target. its just turns them into a zombie once their dead. Why not just kill them the first time? And once the zombies are released whatya gonna do? Celebrate the mutually assured destruction as the world collapses into a game of left 4 dead 2?

HAGAN: have all the positions of power in this world been filled with affirmative action for dumb, evil people?

Clip- get into the mainframe.

HAGAN VO: mila and the guy get into the mainframe, after being chased by and army of zombies that for some reason aren’t really allowed to be shown on screen.

HAGAN: 3 seconds of dog-fighting wire-fu costs roughly the same as 40 zombies. Was it worth it?
Clip- computer stuff.

HAGAN VO: So they decide to switch on the computer again and get her to help them escape. They set up a device that’ll allow them to destroy her if she messes with them.

HAGAN: Uncommonly sensible move.

CLIP- RED QUEEN ALIVE AGAIN. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ TRIES TO KILL HER.

HAGAN: ahh there goes the stupidity we’ve come to expect. Keep your PMS in check, Michelle.

Clip- talking to the computer.

HAGAN VO: So the team talk to the computer who explains all about the virus, how it got airborne in the base and infected everyone there. How she killed everyone to make them escape the terrible fate of being infected and being able to take a cure all the members of the team are now infected because they went down into the base without gas masks but they can be cured except michelle Rodriguez who has been infected through the zombie bite with the same virus she already had and she will soon die and become a zombie!

CLIP- GHOSTBUSTERS- everybody getting this so far?

HAGAN: So yeah. They decide to escape, aided by the computer before logic catches up with them and drinks their spinal fluid.

Clip- their escape sewars.

HAGAN VO: The escape takes them through the sewers where it appears to be raining. And suddenly because the story requires it the zombies have snuck up on them…

HAGAN: Stealth fucking zombies. AGAIN!

Clip- mila uses legs to break a neck. Dub- this could be worseI regret nothing!

Clip- slow motion zombie killing. Onto the pipes

Hagan vo: the director has no idea that slow motion doesn’t make crap action look cool. And everyone makes it up onto some pipes that can handle a lot of weight

Clip- everyone getting away. Tech guy by self.

HAGAN VO: the tech guy ends up on the pipes by himself with the zombies approaching. He has one bullet left.

Clip- tech guy kills zombie rather than self.

HAGAN: Heh. What a pussy.

Clip- remembering.

HAGAN VO: So the guy from rome remembers that he was the person who set off the virus!

HAGAN: Shocking, given they found him in the train, having just escaped the base…

Clip-talking. Zombie bites him.

HAGAN VO: He plans to sell the virus and offers mila the chance to rule the galaxy with him as father and son or something. He gets bitten and runs off by himself.

Clip- rome guy makes it to the train.

HAGAN VO: He makes it to the train and is about to inject himself with the anti-virus when the licker…

HAGAN: Iv never really played the game. Far as I can tell it’s the love child of gene simmons and a xenomorph.

HAGAN VO: attacks and eats him. The computer that is dedicated to keeping the virus inside the base released an efficient hunter infected with it in order to kill a man who has both the virus and the anti-virus.

HAGAN: Fight fire with petrol why don’t you.

Clip- mutates after feeding on dna. Caption- BIOLOGY: YOUR DOING IT WRONG

Clip- talking to computer

HAGAN VO: So the computer refuses to let them out even though there’s the anti virus on the train because there’s a small chance it wont work and michelle rodriuegez will infect the rest of the world.

Clip- it’s a risk I cannot take.

HAGAN: Yes. You hate risks. Which is why you released the licker. Because it was definitely a bad idea.

Clip- yelling. Comp dies.

HAGAN VO: So the computer yells that they must kill michelle rodriegez, michelle Rodriguez yells that she must die, mila jovitch yells that she cant do it and the other guy wonders what he’s doing in this film. Mila doesn’t kill her and the computer is so angry it dies.

Hagan: actually no…

Clip- tech guy at door.

HAGAN VO: The tech guy who didn’t kill himself arrives, turns out he fried the computer with their computer frying device from earlier.

HAGAN: You’d think he’d have thrown that to the others when it looked like he was gonna die. What with it being their only insurance against the computer killing them and all… and why didn’t the computer kill them when he was separated from them?

Clip- getting to train, kill rome guy.

Hagan vo: so on the way to the train we see plenty shots of bra-less milas nipples through her dress.

HAGAN: Thanks.

HAGAN VO: She takes the anti-virus from rome guy, splats his zombie head in. and get on the train.

HAGAN: Michelle rodruegez seems to have died.

Clip- seems to be dead. Isn’t.

CLIP- SPACE BALLS- FOOLED YOU!

Clip- licker attacks.

Hagan vo: the licker attacks the train and kills the tech guy.

Hagan: really worth revealing he was still alive a few minutes ago wasn’t it?

Clip- fighting the licker. Toungue.

Hagan: around this time I discovered I wished I owned a copy of the movie killer tongue…

Clip- Rodriguez zombie.

Hagan vo: Rodriguez becomes a zombie, her teeth immediately go brown and she gets shot.

Clip- kill licker.

Hagan: now even though the licker scratched the only surving guy and the computer earlier said…

Clip- red queen on scratches.

CLIP- IN MANSION. GETTING CURE.

HAGAN VO: They decide to wait until they get back into the mansion before injecting him with the anti-virus. Of course the evil white suited scientists are waiting and take the guy away to study him.

Clip- I want to know what went on there.

HAGAN: yeah it’s a great pity that no one invented a way to communicate via computers. Or the ability to record visuals. Or even the ability to send those visuals from one location to another. Or possibly the ability to record sound…

Clip- mila wakes. Walks. Dead walk.

HAGAN VO: Mila wakes up in the middle of a deserted hospital and someone’s put up a newspaper refrence to the romero classic day of the dead and…

HAGAN: Then mila went on to have even worse sequels.

Clip- bits from movie.

HAGAN VO: This is awful. Its an insult to the zombie genre and that’s saying something. Its stupid its bad-bad-bad. Not children of the living dead bad but its bad.

HAGAN: Apart from its being bad There is one major issue with this film.

MINION: IT’s SHIT!

HAGAN: Apart from that. Its 15 rated. Less gory or goreless horror movies can be wonderful and in many ways making a non-gory horror movie that genuinely scares is the mark of a truly gifted film maker but zombie movies are about walking corpses that want to eat youto make a zombie film that is not gory misses the point of the genre. And adding kung fu, lasers and THAT soundtrack just compounded the problem the makers of the this film had NO IDEA HOW AND WHY ZOMBIE MOVIES WORK!
Clip- bits from the film and other films.

HAGAN VO: The film was directed by paul Anderson. He made a crap film called shopping. Then he made 2 decent ones in mortal kombat and event horizon and then made soldier. Which was decent until 10 minutes in and became shit. Everything he made afterwards was shit. I think after his first film he realised he had no ability and tried to sell his soul to make good movies. The devil then haggled him down to 2 and a bit decent movies.

HAGAN: If im right the director of aliens vs predator will spend all of eternity in hell! (smiles) anyway, this film is shit and I wish id never seen it.This was a request from Owen. FUCK YOU OWEN. Im diamanda hagan and I have to live with that every day.

Heres the review

Heres the flubs

Scripts- Heavy Metal crossover second draft.

When doing the Heavy Metal crossover I wrote the first draft and then The Critic edited it. Then there were further changes done in editing. Lots of things change when making vids and co-reviews often have more changes than most. So if you’re interested in the how things change or how the Critic and my styles change or even to see who came up with what take a look.

Here’s the original draft.

SECOND DRAFT. CRITICS DRAFT.

CRITIC is seen leaning back in his chair eating a donut reading the paper. He talks on his phone.

CRITIC: Secretary, what’s my schedule like today.

We see the BUM in another room looking over some papers.

BUM: Well Critic you have a five o’clock manicure, a three o’clock threatening of a micro nation in Wyoming, a two o’clock meeting with Todd in the Shadows to get both your eyebrows waxed…

CRITIC: Yeah his eyebrows are looking weird…

BUM: And a one o’clock crossover with Diamanda Hagan.

CRITIC: Who?

BUM: She is one of the reviewers on the site.

CRITIC: I was told I was getting Jesu Otaku this weekend.

BUM (rolling his eyes): No you weren’t.

CRITIC: Oh well, I know the drill. They act like they interrupt my review, I get angry…anyway if it’s one of the women on the site I’m sure I’m in for a fine looking peace of…

HAGAN suddenly appears on screen. Looking stern.

CRITIC: WAAAAH! Don’t hurt me!

HAGAN: What?

CRITIC: Please Mr. Joker I’ll do anything you want, just don’t harm me!

HAGAN: Critic, it’s me, Diamanda.

CRITIC: Oh my God we’re hiring people like you now? You look like the Crow if he was in Candy Land.

HAGAN: Well…hired.. accepted under many threats at gunpoint, either way I’m here.

CRITIC: Well, what kind of stuff do you review?

HAGAN: Anything really, as long as it inflicts a butt load of pain, or a pain load of butts.

CRITIC: You have a movie with one of these oh scary one?

HAGAN: I have a movie with both!

Clip – Heavy Metal title plays.

HAGAN VO – Based on the popular magazine of the same name, Heavy Metal combines science fiction stories and raunchy tales to create a cult masterpiece of cheese-dom.

CRITIC VO: Why does it have a cult following?

HAGAN VO: Some say it’s the writing, some say it’s the incredibly unique animation and creativity in the designs…but most say it’s for the boobies. Lots and LOTS of boobies.

HAGAN: So, ready to journey into a word of perverted delights.

CRITIC still looks scared at her.

HAGAN: Get over it!!!!!

HAGAN: oh get over it! (beat) I did.

CRITIC: I’m sorry, you look like what appears when I say Bloody Mary three times.

HAGAN VO: We open on a star-field in space.

CRITIC VO: As opposed to a star-field somewhere else?

HAGAN VO: Blow me.

CRITIC VO: We hear a mysterious voice explaining the all generic evil of the al generic universe. Tell me if you haven’t heard this dialogue a million times.

Clip- a shadow shall fall over the universe and evil will grow in its path…

CRITIC: A badness that will darken the light and evil up the shadowy dark. Epic!

Clip- green thing flies past camera. DUB ON sound of crashing and add camera shake., as though it smashed into the Heavy Metal Logo.

HAGAN VO: Uhp, look out for that title.

CRITIC VO (imitating the ball): Oh, this is why I should never drink while reigning death from the skies.

HAGAN VO: Over the credits that reads like the cast of SCTV, we get…

clip- car. Leaves space shuttle. Edit with the reactions. HAGANs eyes grow in slow confusion. Very confused.

CRITIC: Holy shit my testicles just exploded from the awesomeness of that visual.

HAGAN VO: But why the fuck is someone using a car in space?

CRITIC VO: Okay any question with the words “car” and “space” in them quickly become invalid.

HAGAN VO: But how is he steering it? Why isn’t it burning up? How did it survive the impact?

CRITIC: Listen, what part of ‘car in space’ do you not understand?

Clip- Car in space.

HAGAN VO: By the way this is a form of animation known as Rotoscoping, a somewhat controversial way of animating where they take real life film of people and draw over them.

HAGAN VO: But where most films at least ink and paint over their footage, this movie seems quite content with just lightly coding it with the remains of their milkshake.

Clip – guy looks down to Earth

HAGAN VO: Extra points for having the guy look down to make sure he was still aimed at the right planet mid drop.

CRITIC VO: So while he rides through the cornfields of the DESERT, he meets up with his daughter…

clip- what did you bring me? You’ll see.

HAGAN Dub- daughter: was it a bright green world destroying ball of doom?

CRITIC Dub- dad: maybe.

HAGAN VO: This guy’s idea of driving home involves an orbital drop, he’s clearly not sane.

Hagan vo: Besides, look.. he has the cold, dead eyes of an animated paedophile. I’m just saying that if he doesn’t get melted by a macguffin soon…

HAGAN: I think he’ll be getting her to ride his space shuttle… all night long…ooooh yeah.

Clip- opens box;. Melted.

CRITIC: Glenda is pissed!

HAGAN Dub – Glinda as the green bubble: Do you want a good death or a bad death?

Clip- do not try to escape. You are under my control.

CRITIC: (impersonating green thing) Even though I could clearly melt you like I did your father, I’d rather use you as a linking device for the following anthology of stories!

HAGAN VO: And that’s pretty much what happens. The green thing shows the girl and by extension- us the first of the stories.

Hagan vo: And we see the answer to a question that’s haunted the minds of people since… 1990…

HAGAN VO: what would happen if a captain planet villain stopped trying to pollute the world and instead spent their fortune looking for shit?

CRITIC VO: They would make seemingly simple metal detectors much more complicated in design and use.

HAGAN VO: Now we know.

CRITIC VO: Yes, now we know.

HAGAN VO: Through using his cartoonishly huge ferngullian digger and his slave army of Bird-Jawas he finds the… green… glowy thing…

clip- melt.

HAGAN VO: It’s somehow taken to New York of the future! … even though it kind of melts anyone who gets close to it…

CRITIC VO: Hey New Yorkers are used to harming their bodies all the time, they’re used to it.

HAGAN VO: and the movie suddenly decides it wants to be a film Noir.

Clip- Okay sucker, hand over your cash. Now. Melted.

CRITIC: Ok, do I really have to start a Melting counter? There’s more going on here than a rainy day at a Witch Bar-B-Q.

HAGAN VO: The green glowy things been put on display in a museum, which makes total sense… because one thing museums are known for is exhibits that can kill people.

CRITIC VO: But oddly enough it’s gangsters who murder the founder of the ever killing gobstopper, and his daughter escapes to The Cab drivers car.

HAGAN VO: As usual for a woman who’s just had her father murdered… she suddenly wants to have sex with someone!

CRITIC VO: Nothing like that dead father, mobster tie in, glowing ball of death rebound.

HAGAN: You know, I don’t see this working. She’s just lost her dad, why is she horny?

CRITIC: It’s a noir, everybody in those are horny.

HAGAN: No, I’m going to test this. I’m going to Kill some woman’s father and see if she’ll sleep with me.

HAGAN walks off.

CRITIC: You go outside?

CRITIC VO: She takes off in the middle of the night, pff, typical woman, wham bam thank you…sir, and later we see the gangsters in the backseat of his cab.

Clip – I wouldn’t do that.

CRITIC: Oh no he found my only weakness, asking politely!

CRITIC VO: Seriously, this story would be over in a blink, nay, a tap of a foot, but because he asks he doesn’t do it. You gotta give those New Yorkers credit, they are famously polite. So he meets the woman at the statue of liberty. He agrees to help her exchange it with the gangsters. The exchange is made and…oh, just guess what happens.

CLIP- GANGSTER IS MELTED.

CRITIC taps corner of screen and the melting counter goes up.

CRITIC: I, yeah, I still can’t believe I need one of these.

CRITIC VO: So the woman, really out of nowhere turns against the cabbie, which means of course …

Clip – Melted

CRITIC: Oh my God movie what is your beef? Did the writer’s mother die in a microwave or something????

CRITIC VO: And by the way if you’re wondering where the story goes from there, it doesn’t. Yeah, that’s the ending for this one. In any other film this would just be the intro, but Heavy Metal’s philosophy is just when things are looking like a good set up for a story, you never give them the story.

CRITIC: It’s like Phillip Glass, the less he keeps your attention, the happier he is.

HAGAN returns. Black eye.

HAGAN: What did I miss?

CRITIC: 2 meltings. What happened to your eye?!

HAGAN: She didn’t want to sleep with me.

CRITIC: Well.. did she know you killed her dad?

HAGAN: Yeah, I did it in front of her.

CRITIC: That Might have been the problem.

Clip- green glowy thing in the house with the girl. I HAVE CHOSEN YOU BECAUSE YOU POSSESS POWERS YOU DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND.

HAGAN: From how wide you can get your mouth, I’m guessing they include fellatio.

CRITIC VO: We open our next story with a nerd named Den who doesn’t realise that a BRIGHT GREEN GLOWING METEORITE might not be the smartest thing to pick up. This sends him hurtling through time and space to the planet Mongo.

Clip – Blazzing Saddles clip of Mongo saying “Mongo only pawn in game of life.”

Clip- the worshippers at the planet, see through pool.

HAGAN: do you think they noticed they have a hole in their planet?

Clip- No hair… hmmm. Big…

CRITIC: yes may that large, muscular and strangely aerodynamic body be a lesson to you! For now… you are JOHN CANDY: OF GOR!

Pic- John candys head. Conans body. Conan music. JOHN CANDY OF GOR!

Clip- There’s no way I’m gonna walk around here with my dork hanging out.
CRITIC: I mean walking around naked? Who do they think I am in this movie, a woman?

HAGAN VO: The random topless priestess orders the cultists to drown this random topless woman, of course Den rescues her and she instantly falls in love with him.

Hagan vo: Because she has… Tits.

CLIP- IF ANY PART OF MY BODY PLEASES YOU, ILL GIVE IT TO YOU. WILLINGLY.

CRITIC: JOHN CANDY OF GOR likes your EYES! (Reaches forward and plucks, scream added) hmmmm you are lucky JOHN CANDY OF GOR not take your BREASTS!

CLIP- ABOUT TO HAVE SEX.

CRITIC VO: So how old was Den? He looked and acted like he was about 12? Is this technically paedophilia?

Clip – The Graduate: Mrs. Robinson you’re trying to seduce me.

CLIP- INTERUPTED DURING SEX. COME!`

HAGAN VO: I was just about to, ya damn furry! They get taken to a local leader, a guy trying his best to impersonate Martin Clunes in classic Doctor Who’s Snakedance…

clip- You must be den of Earth.

HAGAN VO: I just noticed. This whole place is a bit human centric. Both the leaders have been humans but their forces are either the furrys or guys with no heads… All strikes me as a bit racist.

HAGAN VO; And the crab people I rule with an iron fist agree. Because I told them too.

PIC- PHOTOSHOP OF A GANG OF CRAB-PEOPLE. DUB ON A NON-COMITTAL ‘YAAAAAY’

HAGAN DUB: Yaaaaayyyyy

HAGAN VO: Because Kojak the barbarian’s girlfriend has been imprisoned in a glass case, he gets sent off to capture the green-glowy thing from the priestess from earlier.

CLIP- they talk of a savage beast who prowls these catacombs with teeth.. 6 inches long… 16 inches long.

CRITIC: Forgive me, poor attempt at penis joke.

HAGAN VO: Kojak the barbarian gets into the palace, is captured but turns the evil priestess on so much that her robe changes colour between shots!

CRITIC VO: It happens.

HAGAN VO: Of course, they fuck… and while she’s kept busy gnarl steals the glowy thing!

CLIP- BOY WAS SHE PISSED OFF.

CLIP- LEAPS OFF THE TOWER TOWARDS WATER. Add a muffled crash as he hits the water.

CRITIC: Well obviously nobody could survive that. Oh well. He’s dead. Movies over I guess. I’m the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don’t have to.

CRITIC leaves through left side. Immediately re-enters through the right.

CRITIC: That’s not usually how that works.

Clip- footage from a British TV show called The Goodies appears in the upper right hand corner of the shot beside The Critic. I will provide the footage. Is someone in a black circle pointing to the lower left and yelling ‘Its called a camera trick you fool!”

HAGAN (looking down to the right) : Its called a camera trick, you fool!

CRITIC swats at the clip. It vanishes.

CRITIC: what was that?!

HAGAN: an old British TV show. Do you want to continue with this crossover or should I bring out the Blakes 7 clips?

HAGAN VO: So Kojak the barbarian makes it back to the clearly evil guys base just in time to discover that he’s clearly evil. Oh the shock of it all.

HAGN VO; Both sides of creatures battle over who’s gonna sacrifice the girlfriend… and…both the villains end up dead…

CRITIC VO: With both sides leaders dead, JOHN CANDY OF GOR and his girlfriend leave on a giant dragonfly, safe in the knowledge that all those furrys will probably kill each other in a massive orgy of bloodlust to take over as soon as their over the horizon. End of pointless story number 2.

HAGAN VO: The next story’s set on a massive fucking space station that looks like the Oddyssy from Ulysses 31, where someone’s finally putting Zapp Brannigan on trial… though not for stealing Captain Marvels costume.

HAGAN VO: He provides a character witness… but it doesn’t go very well…

clip- the speech before the court. HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD LAW ABIDING CITIZEN… TURNS INTO HULK!

CRITIC: Well I can tell THIS one is going to be very story based.

HAGAN VO: Soon as it turned into Law and Order: Avengers Unit… I’m pretty sure everyone forgot what the trial was originally about.

CRITIC: I’m just disappointed that we’ve gone 20 minutes without a melting.

Clip- THANKS HANNOVER. TRAPDOOR…. VERY FEW ESCAPE MY GRASP, EVEN IN DEATH…

CRITIC Dub – Green Ball: Yes, that was my very lose tie in with that story, I probably could’ve edited it out or maybe inserted myself into it more by lying, but that is the story I told. Are you standing comfortably by the way? I know I tend to ramble on sometimes, especially when I should just be killing the person I said a moment ago is the only one who can stop me. But I still have a good 49 of doom to tell you. I guess I just have a compulsion to waste people’s time, as well as my own. Hell if I could, I’d even have commercial interruptions to waste people’s ti-

Cut for commercial.

CRITIC Dub – Green Ball: Well, that was lucky. Any who, do you want snacks, this next one can be a little lengthy. There’s not any naked women in this one but my guess is you’re not that into it…I am…a lot…anyway, planes.

Clip – WW2 planes.

CRITIC VO: So we’re suddenly in ww2 when they suddenly see somebody is following them.

clip- looks out window. Some-things following us. What is it?

HAGAN Dub- looks like John Carter on his way back from Mars again!

CRITIC: You saw that?

HAGAN: SOMEBODY had to!

HAGAN VO: The green glowy thing infects the plane and turns the dead crew-members into zombies because.. it can do that now and this.. frankly is the best part of the film.

HAGAN VO; The idea of men trapped in a tight, enclosed area like a bomber with zombies. It could make for a brilliant film.

CRITIC VO: Good thing we’ll once again take no advantage of this great idea and instead parachute out.

HAGAN VO: I think it’s time for the Rod Serling ending!

Clip- He finds other planes.

CRITIC: Amelia Earhart! Nooooooo!

CRITIC VO: One TRON wipe later and we see there’s a meeting at the pentagon!

Clip- Doctor Anorax 6 more mutants were sighted in Arizona this week!

HAGAN: are you thinking what I’m thinking?

CRITIC: I think so.. but how could I get Catherine Zeta Jones to dress up like batman.

HAGAN: I was thinking about Insano…

CRITIC: Oh yeah, insano…how could HE get Catherine Zeta Jones to dress up like Batman?

clip- guy ignores questions. Walks.

HAGAN VO: I don’t have time to answer your questions, I have walking to do!

CRITIC VO: So they’re having this top secret meeting about the mutations that are spreading throughout the planet and how it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with aliens.

HAGAN VO: And I’m currently wondering what he’d have done in other… just as obvious situations in history.

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in-front of The Hidenburg. Speech bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that it is in fact a large candle and man has not yet managed to fly’

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in Baghdad. (a’la Baghdad Bob/ Comical Ali the information minster from the second Iraq war) Speech Bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that the enemy are being killed in their hundreds by our glorious forces’

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX at the Valetine’s Day Mascre. Speech Bubble: ‘This looks like Werewolves.’

CRITIC: so as expected… mid speech the most ironic thing possible happens.

Clip- it is my firm belief…. in the universe… SPACESHIP OVER PENTAGON. SAD TROMBONE.

HAGAN VO: So the starship Happy Face sucks up the secretary and the doctor.

clip- doctor lands. Breaks. Oh nice job. He’s fucked.

HAGAN: wait, if they planted the doctor there to convince the world there were no aliens. Why did they decide to get him back… revealing to the world there are aliens!?!?!

CRITIC: How many more times do I have to tell you? There was a car in space. Questions invalid.

CRITIC VO: Of course the ships robot immediately falls in love with the secretary. And like most women, she falls in love with a small phallic shaped machine who will stay after sex.

Clip- post sex. that was incredible.

Critic: So really every woman in this movie is like a game of Perfection. If just…something can fit into the slot, it’s worth putting it there.

HAGAN: How’d they have sex anyway? I’m guessing it’d be something like this.

Clip- space truckers. Charles Dances pull-string penis.

Clip- the ship flies off. Intro space. Past USS Enterprise.

CRITIC: what? Was that the fucking Enterprise?

Clip- flies past Enterprise.

CRITIC VO: That’s…so…random. What the Hell is the Enterprise doing in the 40s, or present day, or whenever the fuck that futuristic trial was happening?

HAGAN VO: It could be flying back to capture some dolphins or some crap.

CRITIC VO: Shut up.

HAGAN VO: You shut up. So the pilots get high in the least hygienic way possible and almost crash the ship while the robot and secretary almost instantly decide to get married… because funny.

Clip- It’ll have to be a Jewish wedding. Jewish wedding?

Clip- the house again.

HAGAN VO: I’m just waiting for that house to eat the both of them. And itself.

Clip- look into me one final time.

CRITIC VO: Trust me, by this point, I think she’d prefer death then listen to one more of your pointless, perverted stories. You are a horny little green ball, and you ramble a touch!

HAGAN VO: In this story the glowy thing crashes into a mountain on an alien desert planet, of course the locals… as in ALL the locals decide to go check it out. After all, Optimus Prime could be in there!

CLIP- ERUPTION. Guys covered in the lava stuff

CRITIC: Hey, its green lava! Which means ALL THESE PEOPLE got melted! Yes! Those are the kind of melting numbers I’m talking about!

CRITIC looks at counter. Number goes up until it explodes.

Clip- a hand reaches out of the green stuff.

CRITICS counter resets to zero. CRITIC moans.

Clip- the guys hand out of the lava-snot.

HAGAN VO: Okay, the green-lava-mountain-snot-vomit… of evil mutated them but I gotta ask, how did his fingernails grow so quickly?!

Clip- death to all who oppose us!

CRITIC DUB – LEAD GREEN GUY: Now… lets get chicken!

HAGAN DUB OTHER GREEN GUY: I’m a Vegetarian.

CRITIC DUB – LEAD GREEN GUY: KILL HIM!

Clip- attack. People dying.

HAGAN VO: We see what Eternia would look like if Skeletor got his shit together, so surely the leaders must have some plan, some weapon to beat back the hordes of evil on their doorstep.

Clip- we are statesmen etc. Taarnac the defender. There’s one left. One can do much etc.

CRITIC: So why did you wait until their literally beating down your door…

HAGAN VO: They let out the call to summon their world’s very last hero…

Clip- taarna walks towards the camera.

HAGAN: A giant-hawt-big-titted-warrior ho!

CRITIC VO: So how long until this one gets nak-

Clip- she derobes

CRITIC: I guess that was a stupid question.

HAGAN VO: Sensing that since we never actually saw the old guys who summoned her die and if she rushed then she might actually be able to save them she decides to spend the next 3 minutes putting on what she considers armour.

Hagan vo: Thigh high boots, a thong, a sleeveless bra, a belt and a single shoulder pad… if she’s so OK with being naked why bother change at all? That’s not going to do her any more good than being naked… in fact it might be less effective…

HAGAN: If she was naked she could just distract the enemy with her huge fucking tits.

Clip- to defend, this is the pact…. to avenge. Takes sword. Obvious joke incoming.

CRITIC VO: She-man! And the Big-titted mistress of killing shit! (I think I should do this because I can imitate the He Man opening song pretty well)

CRITIC VO: So Taarna and her bird-thing make it to the city and what the fuck do you know… everybody’s dead.

Clip- everybody’s dead dave. Red dwarf.

HAGAN VO: Who would have thought that the old guys waiting until the enemy were breathing down their throat and her taking an ice-age to get dressed woulda resulted in everyone she’s supposed to protect being fucking dead?

CRITIC VO: That Galaxy Security is doing a heckuva job.

HAGAN VO: She tracks the mutants down to a… western style… sci-fi bar where everyone’s listening to… Devo…

CRITIC: Hey, it’s better than the other band they had here last week.

Clip – Star Wars Cantina band.

CRITIC: they just kept playing the same song over and over.

CRITIC VO: Now the funny thing is that throughout this entire story this woman never talks. And honestly, she’s the most interesting character in the film. I know that’s weird but her actions, the constant determination on her face, and even the fact that she has a connection with her animal friend makes her much more interesting than any one line of dialogue from the rest of these clowns.

HAGAN: Oh so THAT must be why everyone plays her character in Dungeons and Dragons, huh?

CRITIC: No they play her for the tits, but she’s still a good character, too.

HAGAN VO: She flies to the mutant camp but gets herself captured by their… random bird thing net… they had set up in case the main character from Joust attacked.

Clip- have her bound and brought to me.

Clip- flash gordon. Ming the merciless. ‘FOR OUR PLEASURE!’

HAGAN VO: She gets stripped naked, tortured and thrown in a pit with the cast of Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors but the mutants are good enough to throw her gear in with her so in no time she’s escaped and ready to kill the crap out the mutants!

Hagan vo: Who are of course good enough to send their leader out to fight her alone…

CRITIC VO: You know the Lord of all evil is not very good at planning ahead, is he?

clip- fighting. TAARNA is about to hit the guy with his own chainsaw.

Clip- running man. THIS SAW IS PART OF ME. NEXT IM GONNA MAKE IT PART OF YOU.

Clip- stabs him with the chainsaw. And then punch.

CRITIC: It takes a special sort of hero to punch someone after killing them with their own chainsaw… an asshole I think is what they’re called, but a badass asshole.

HAGAN VO: She sits atop her noble bird-thing and faces the green-glowy thing head on… and proves that she once again.. has the power… because her castle of Grayskull moment earlier was apparently foreshadowing!

CLIP- nooooo. House explodes.

CRITIC: wait? What the fuck just happened?!

CRITIC VO: Did that things memory of being defeated just kill it… in the present?! And whys the girl now… Taarna… Is she Taarna reincarnated? Does just her being near the thing kill it? Why’d it die twice? What the fuck?!

HAGAN: Listen, its simple.

HAGAN VO: Either she’s a reincarnation of Taarna and telling the story killed it.. for no reason… or it knew how it would be killed and decided to stop its fate by killing Taarna as a child.. and then exploded for no reason.

CRITIC: Neither of those makes any more sense than the other.

HAGAN: I said it was simple. I didn’t say it made sense.

CRITIC: This isn’t a movie! Its a series of horny fanfictions that somehow got a budget!

CRITICS OVERVIEW: Some things work, like the animation at times is very stylized and impressive, and a lot of the designs and ideas can be creative, and do I even need to say the soundtrack fucking rocks? But the stories just go nowhere, and stop before they even get started. The last one is the closest thing to a complete story, and even that has an ending that makes no sense. Some of it’s impressive, but it’s mostly just pervertedness posing as badass art.

HAGAN: Personally, I like most of it.

Hagan vo; Yeah the linking story of the green-thing is a bit shit and ultimately makes no sense because its abilities change all the time and who the fuck even knows what happens at the end…

Hagan vo: because the last time I had to deal with a green-glowy orb thing of death I blasted it into fucking space! Where the Kruulaggs can deal with it… but … sorry… I just went on a tangent there…

Hagan vo: some parts are very well done, especially the B52 section. And all of it, even in its worst bits are as imaginative as fuck. There’s a sequel which.. is like a middling to bad story in this one stretched to 90 minutes and talk of either a remake or another film coming soon. I hope its good.

HAGAN: Well that was fun, Critic. Want to take a look at Ralph Bakshi’s Fire and Ice?

CRITIC (green-screened into a car in space): Sorry I’m in a car in space. For the last time your question is INVALID!

HAGAN: Fine. I’ll go amuse myself with the cries of infants… (walks off)

CRITIC: I’m the nostalgia critic! I remember it so you don’t have to! WOOHOOO!

CRITIC IN CAR FLYS OFF. I suggest the end credits music is Radar Rider by Riggs because it was the car in space music from the movie.

Here’s the ep

Scripts- Heavy Metal crossover first draft.

When doing the Heavy Metal crossover I wrote the first draft and then The Critic edited it. Then there were further changes done in editing. Lots of things change when making vids and co-reviews often have more changes than most. So if you’re interested in the how things change or how the Critic and my styles change or even to see who came up with what take a look.

FIRST DRAFT. HAGANS DRAFT.

CRITIC: Hello I’m the Nostalgia Critic! Heavy Metal!

CRITIC VO: The sound of loud, thrashing guitars. A material that’s not-known for flying very well under its own power. And a type of poisoning you really don’t want to get. But also a French comic book…. and a movie based on said comic book.

LINKARA: Did you say Comic Book?

BENZAIE (With Metal Wig): Did you say Heavy Metal?

CRITIC: Yes I…

LINKARA: A comic book, that my territory!

BENZAIE: And heavy metal is mine! (Points to crotch) and my packages!

CRITIC: What do you want?

LINKARA AND BENZAIE: A crossover!

CRITIC: No, I’m going alone on this one. Besides, Benzaie… its not a band… or anything musical… its the name of the movie… It was based on a French comic book.

BENZAIE: A FRENCH comic book?!This is MINE!

LINKARA: MINE!

BENZAIE: MINE!

LINKARA: ITS MINE!

CRITIC: Guys! I’m going alone!

LINKARA: This isn’t about you critic, this is about someone else reviewing something that’s clearly my territory, and I wont stand for it.

BENZAIE: what he said. But sexier.

CRITIC: Its not a comic book… OR a French comic book. Its a MOVIE based on it! And its from Canada!

BENZAIE AND LINKARA: oh…

CRITIC: Okay.. now.. Heavy Metal…

TITLE CARD FROM MOVIE..

BENZAIE: Hey, want to review it together?

LINKARA: Sure!

CRITIC: no.. I’m reviewing it!

static.

MOVIE FOOTAGE.

LINKARA VO: Heavy Metals an anthology, mostly made up from tales from the long running comic book of the same name…

BENZAIE VO: Actually that’s not true. The original French title of the comic translates as ‘roaring metal’ in English. They didn’t think it sounded as good as ‘Heavy Metal’!

CRITIC: What the fuck is going on?

LINKARA VO: Thank you for the correction my esteemed collaborator. The movie was produced by Ivan Reitman years before he made his name with Ghostbusters or Stripes. It features performances by a young Harold Ramis and Eugene Levy… and the original music is by Elmer Bernstein who if you listen carefully seems to be stealing from his Ghostbusters score….

BENZAIE VO: By using time travel because Ghostbusters hadn’t been made yet!

CRITIC: Get out of my show!

LINKARA: I’m so glad I’m suddenly deaf to the pain of Illinoisians…

HAGAN: Hey Critic.

CRITIC: (startled) Yah! What the fuck are you?!

HAGAN: Someone who can get you out of this. But there will be a price.

CRITIC: What sort of price?

BENZAIE VO: there’s not enough breasts in this movie. In the comic, almost everyone’s naked. And if their not. I imagine them that way.

CRITIC: Okay… Sold… do what you’re going to do.

HAGAN points a remote at the camera. Clicks it. Benzaie and Linkaras review speeds through. Just edit together the guys raying random things to camera and over footage from the film. Maybe including some disparaging messages for people sad enough to slow it down to regular speed. Their sped up ‘review’ lasts about 5 seconds.

CHANNEL AWESOME END STINGER.

CRITIC: thank you for getting me out of that… what do you want?

HAGAN: I want to review heavy metal with you.

CRITIC: Son of a bitch!

HAGAN has a MINION beside her.

HAGAN: oh and Critic. Sammy has a message for you.

SAMMY THE MINION: Mister Critic. You’re my favourite reviewer. Can I get an autograph?

CRITIC: oh. Yes of course you can but you’re all the way over…

SAMMY throws a notebook at the camera. Notebook flies from camera and smacks CRITIC in the face.

CRITIC: owwwww. How did you do that?!… So who should I make it out to?

HAGAN shoots SAMMY.

HAGAN: You can stop that now. He had the wrong favourite. Ready to go?

CRITIC: not really, no.

Clip- the Columbia logo.

HAGAN VO: Whenever I see that old logo, I always subconsciously put the audio from Ghostbusters over it.

Clip- Columbia logo, dub over the audio from the Columbia logo at the start of Ghostbusters.

HAGAN VO: Isn’t that better? Sounds less naked now. We open on a star-field.

CRITIC VO: Space!… the barely moving frontier… that might as well just be a still image we very slowly zoom into. There’s a mysterious voice explaining some stuff that sounds important but only really raises questions.

Clip- a shadow shall fall over the universe and evil will grow in its path…

CRITIC: Questions like.. why is space so echo-y?

Clip- green thing flies past camera. DUB ON sound of crashing and add camera shake., as though it smashed into the Heavy Metal Logo. Maybe add the green thing to the title. Jammed into one of the A’s.

Clip- sound of lightening, flash across the title.

CRITIC: that was necessary?

HAGAN VO: Over the credits that read like a list of people who used to be famous and people who were never famous… we get a main theme that sounds like it escaped from a 1950’s sci-fi movie and then…

clip- car. Leaves space shuttle. Edit with the reactions.

HAGANs eyes grow in confusion.

CRITIC slowly smiles.

HAGAN looks to the side.

CRITIC nods his head, happily to the music.

HAGAN: (confused) okay… awesome..

hAGAN VO: But why the fuck is someone using a car in space?

CRITIC VO: Not just a car! A 1960 Corvette.. Listen, they have a car in space.. your question is invalid.

HAGAN VO: But how is he steering it? Why isn’t it burning up? How did it survive the impact?

CRITIC: Listen, what part of ‘they have a car in space. Your question is invalid’ do you not understand?

Clip- Car in space.

CRITIC VO: That whole intro was one of the pointlessly cool things in film history. It was like taking the epic star destroyer intro from Star Wars and adding flames and lightning bolts to it. Extra points for having the guy look down to make sure he was still aimed at the right planet mid drop.

HAGAN VO: So the guy in the car speeds through cornfields to his home, which is just as rotoscoped as he is. And meets up with his daughter…

clip- what did you bring me? You’ll see.

Dub- daughter: was it a bright green world destroying ball of doom?

Dub- dad: maybe.

Dub- daughter: Or a pony?!

Clip- the daughter and dad.

HAGAN VO: This guys idea of driving home involves an orbital drop, he’s clearly not sane. Besides. Look.. he has the cold, dead eyes of an animated paedophile. I’m just saying that if he doesn’t get melted by a macguffin soon…

HAGAN: I think he’ll be getting her to ride his space shuttle… all night long.

Clip- opens box;. Melted.

Dub- daughter: Did you get me a puppy? (beat) why’d the puppy melt you?

Clip- do not try to escape. You are under my control.

CRITIC: (impersonating green thing) Even though I could clearly melt you like I did your father, Id rather use you as a linking device for the following anthology of stories!

CRITIC does evil laugh as the Green thing.

Clip- I AM THE SUM OF ALL EVILS.

CRITIC: and I can see right up your dress.

HAGAN: funny, I thought Harry Plinkett would be taller. And less phosphorescent.

HAGAN VO: So the green thing shows the girl and by extension- us the first of the stories. And we see the answer to a question that’s haunted the minds of people since… 1990… what would happen if a captain planet villain stopped trying to pollute the world and instead spent their fortune looking for shit!

CRITIC: How the fuck does that helmet-metal detector even work?!

CRITIC VO: Through using his cartoonishly huge ferngullian digger and his slave army of Bird-Jawas he finds the… green… glowy thing…

clip- melt.

Clip- MOM AND DAD SAVE THE WORLD. Guard bends down beside a light grenade. Reads the words on it. ‘Pick me up’. He picks it up and is disintegrated.

HAGAN VO: Its somehow taken to New York of the future! … even though it kind of melts anyone who gets close to it and the film suddenly turns into a film Noir.

Clip- my name is harry canyon. I drive a cab.

Clip- Okay sucker, hand over your cash. Now. Melted.

CRITIC: Ok. That 3s.. I am officially starting a Melting counter. There was the Pedo-dad, the bird-Jawa and the lost London punk.

HAGAN VO: The green glowy things been put on display in a museum, which makes total sense… because one thing museums are known for is exhibits that can kill people.

Picture of a museum exterior.

Dub: Welcome to the grand opening of our artificial black hole. (sound of sucking and screaming) Oh my god, why didn’t I think this through?! The world is over!

CRITIC VO: but against all probability the man who found and put the green glowy thing on display is killed by gangsters.

HAGAN VO: if Steve Irwin can be killed by a stingray then any-thing’s possible.

CRITIC: Or maybe being a curator is just more dangerous than I thought.

HAGAN VO: The guys daughter escapes to The Cab drivers car, their now after her because with him dead she’s the only one who knows where it is. Even though its on display at the museum.

Clip- YOU CAN TELL ‘EM. SHES ASLEEP. AH SHIT. Just WHAT I NEEDED.

HAGAN (as Canyon) : Ah shit. A narcoleptic!

CRITIC VO: The cabbie takes her to a police station, past 4 prostitutes who all look like rupaul to varying degrees and receives quality service of the like you’d expect… In Detroit.

Clip- thousand bucks a day for a full investigation.

CRITIC: Oh hi John Candy.

CLIP- thanks for nothing.

CRITIC VO: The cabby takes her home, we see he has the same taste in beer as the Angry Video Game Nerd and as per usual for a woman who’s just had her father murdered… she suddenly wants to have sex with someone!

Clip- Harry can I sleep with you. gets undressed.

HAGAN: You in the audience cant see it but her pubes look like a vagina shield.

HAGAN VO: You know, I don’t see this working. She’s just lost her dad, why is she horny?

CRITIC VO: never seen any noir’s have you? The leading woman’s always horny.

HAGAN: No, I’m going to test this. I’m going to Kill some woman’s father and see if she’ll sleep with me.

HAGAN walks off.

Clip- wheres the girl?

CRITIC VO: so the woman left at some point in the night and… what is with the cops jockstraps?! Later on, in his taxi The Cabby meets the alien gangsters who killed the woman’s dad and want to buy the glowy thing off her. Alien gangsters so intimidating the Cabbies too sacred to use his TAXI-LASER to kill them.

CRITIC: What’s the point of installing that thing if when you get an actual villain in there you don’t use it?!

CLIP- trans-comm service… message service…

CRITIC VO: and maybe I’m stupid but what sort of a guy can afford a disintegration ray in his cab but not email?! So he meets the woman at the statue of liberty. He agrees to help her exchange it with the gangsters. The exchange is made and of course… the obvious happens…

CLIP- GANGSTER IS MELTED.

CRITIC: oh no! The thing that’s most famous for melting people who touch it melted me after I touched it! Whoever could have conceived of such a thing?! (beat) oh and…

CRITIC taps corner of screen and the melting counter goes up.

CRITIC VO: So the woman turns against the cabbie and gets melted… and the greeny-glowy thing is on its way again. Why didn’t it just do that earlier? Or did it like the constant string of visitors coming to stare at it.. and stand in melting distance…

CRITIC: Wow. I answered my own question there, didn’t I?

HAGAN returns. Black eye.

HAGAN: What did I miss?

CRITIC: 2 meltings. What the hell happened to your eye?!

HAGAN: She didn’t want to sleep with me.

CRITIC: Well.. did she know you killed her dad?

HAGAN: Yeah, I did it in front of her.

CRITIC: That Might have been the problem.

Clip- green glowy thing in the house with the girl. I HAVE CHOSEN YOU BECAUSE YOU POSSESS POWERS YOU DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND.

HAGAN: From how wide you can get your mouth, I’m guessing they include fellatio.

CRITIC: No, that’d mean she’d be bad at it.

HAGAN: Really?

CRITIC: Yeah… why are talking about this?! Next scene!

Clip- kid being a nerd.

CRITIC VO: this nerds… called den and is being a nerd… barely stopping himself rant about video games on the internet and constantly name dropping nerdy things… he’s a nerd, okay?

CLIP- Maybe tonight Id hit the jackpot.

HAGAN: He’s finally going to try and create the perfect woman.

CRITIC VO: But nerd or not he doesn’t realise that a BRIGHT GREEN GLOWING METEORITE might not be the smartest thing to pick up. Of course, it sends him hurtling through time and space to the planet Mongo.

Clip- the worshippers at the planet, see through pool.

HAGAN: do you think they noticed they have a hole in their planet?

Clip- No hair… hmmm. Big…

CRITIC: yes may that large, muscular and strangely aerodynamic body be a lesson to you! For now… you are JOHN CANDY: OF GOR!

Pic- John candys head. Conans body. Conan music. JOHN CANDY OF GOR! (For Doug: Dunno if you’ve ever heard of Gor but its like Conan but worse/bad)

Clip- wow something out of the ten commandments.

HAGAN VO: Yes, the 10 commandments… of Cthulu. The random topless priestess orders the cultists to drown this random topless woman, of course Den rescues her and she instantly falls in love with him.

CLIP- IF ANY PART OF MY BODY PLEASES YOU, ILL GIVE IT TO YOU. WILLINGLY.

CRITIC: JOHN CANDY OF GOR likes your EYES! (Reaches forward and plucks, scream added) hmmmm you are lucky JOHN CANDY OF GOR not take your BREASTS!

CLIP- ABOUT TO HAVE SEX.

CRITIC VO: So how old was Den? He looked and acted like he was about 10? Is she the same age? Because… worrying!

CLIP- INTERUPTED DURING SEX. COME!`

HAGAN VO: I was just about to, ya damn furry! They get taken to a local leader, a guy trying his best to impersonate Martin Clunes in classic Doctor Who’s Snakedance…

clip- You must be den of Earth.

CRITIC: Wow. Communication really works fast in this pre-historic world.. with its machine guns… damn internet keeping us from communicating quickly!

HAGAN VO: I just noticed. This whole place is a bit human centric. Both the leaders have been humans but their forces are either the furrys or guys with no heads… All strikes me as a bit racist. And the crab people I rule with an iron fist agree. Because I told them too.

PIC- PHOTOSHOP OF A GANG OF CRAB-PEOPLE. DUB ON A NON-COMITTAL ‘YAAAAAY’

Clip- GIVE ME THE GIRL OR DIE. I CHOOSE DEATH. SHOOT. I CAN SEE WHY THEY MADE THIS GUY THEIR LEADER.

CRITIC VO: So can I, he does after all have the most boyishly soft chest and floppy Luke Skywalker hair.

HAGAN VO: this is why I don’t allow elections.

CRITIC: Fascist.

HAGAN: Yes.

HAGAN VO: Because Kojak the barbarians girlfriends been imprisoned in a glass case, he gets sent off to capture the green-glowy thing from the priestess who tried to drown her earlier.

Clip- guard post ahead. We must go underground.

Clip- this guy gnarl knew what he was doing and for a gorilla his English wasn’t half bad.

CRITIC: wow. JOHN CANDY OF GOR… is racist.

CLIP- they talk of a savage beast who prowls these catacombs with teeth.. 6 inches long…

HAGAN: wait.. the beast or the teeth… because a 6 inch beast isn’t that scary.

clip- attacked by the monster.

CRITIC: Maybe we should ask the giant monster if the beast is only 6 inches long.

CRITIC attacked by 6 inch long version of monster from off-screen.

HAGAN VO: Kojak the barbarian gets into the palace, is captured but turns the evil priestess on so much that her robe changes colour between shots! Of course, they fuck… and while she’s kept busy gnarl steals the glowy thing!

CLIP- BOY WAS SHE PISSED OFF.

CLIP- LEAPS OFF THE TOWER TOWARDS WATER. Add a muffled crash as he hits the water.

CRITIC: Oh well. He’s dead. Movies over I guess. I’m the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don’t have to.

CRITIC leaves through left side. Immediately re-enters through the right.

CRITIC: That’s not how that’s supposed to work. (sits down again) How did you do that?!

Clip- footage from a British TV show called The Goodies appears in the upper right hand corner of the shot beside The Critic. I will prpvide the footage. Is someone in a black circle pointing to the lower left and yelling ‘Its called a camera trick you fool!”

CRITIC swats at the clip. It vanishes.

CRITIC: what was that?!

HAGAN: an old British TV show. Do you want to continue with this crossover or should I bring out the Blakes 7 clips?

HAGAN VO: So Kojak the barbarian makes it back to the clearly evil guys base just in time to discover that he’s clearly evil. Oh the shock of it all. Both sides of creatures battle over who’s gonna sacrifice the girlfriend… and.. both the villains end up dead….

CRITIC VO: With both sides leaders dead, JOHN CANDY OF GOR and his girlfriend leave on a giant dragonfly, safe in the knowledge that all those furrys will probably kill each other in a massive orgy of bloodlust to take over as soon as their over the horizon.

HAGAN VO: The next story’s set on a massive fucking space station that looks like the Oddyssy from Ulysses 31, where someone’s finally putting Zapp Brannigan on trial… though not for stealing Captain Marvels costume. He provides a character witness… but it doesn’t go very well…

clip- the speech before the court. HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD LAW ABIDING CITIZEN… TURNS INTO HULK!

HAGAN: Hanover Fist, Smash!

HAGAN VO: He certainly grew into his chin… and I gotta say its a damn clever strategy to get him off. Soon as it turned into Law and Order: The Avengers… I’m pretty sure everyone forgot what the trial was originally about.

CRITIC: I’m just disappointed that we’ve gone 20 minutes without a melting.

HAGAN VO: I remember the time The Hulk chased Slobodan Milosovich through The Hague. He didn’t have one of the robots from portal to help him out so he got squished.

CRITIC: is another melting too much to ask for? I set up the counter and everything.

Clip- THANKS HANNOVER. TRAPDOOR…. VERY FEW ESCAPE MY GRASP, EVEN IN DEATH…

CRITIC VO: So we’re suddenly in ww2… even though we were just in the future and a flying fortress drops its payload, but on the way back they find out they took some serious damage. And.. well…

CLIP- CHECKS BODY. Dub on variations of Lister asking about his friends and being told ‘He’s Dead Dave’ from the Red Dwarf episode ‘The End’. Finish with a clip from the episode, stating ‘Are you trying to tell me everybody’s dead?’

clip- looks out window. Some-things following us. What is it?

Dub- looks like John Carter on his way back from Mars again!

HAGAN VO: The green glowy thing infects the plane and turns the dead crew-members into zombies because.. it can do that now and this.. frankly is the best part of the film. The idea of men trapped in a tight, enclosed area like a bomber with zombies. It could make for a brilliant film.

CRITIC VO: the skipper parachutes out and its time for the Rod Serling ending!

Clip- He finds other planes.

CRITIC: Amelia Earhart! Nooooooo!

CRITIC VO: No, Just more zombies. And one sudden… TRON wipe and there’s a a meeting going on in the pentagon!

Clip- Doctor Anorax 6 more mutants were sighted in Arizona this week!

HAGAN: are you thinking what I’m thinking?

CRITIC: I think so.. but how could I get Catherine Zeta Jones to dress up like batman.

HAGAN: I was thinking about Insano…

CRITIC: Oh. Yeah. Clearly… mutants in Arizona. His work. (shakes first weakly) Damn you Insano…

clip- guy ignores questions. Walks.

HAGAN VO: I don’t have time to answer your questions, I have walking to do!

CRITIC VO: So their having this top secret meeting about the mutations that are spreading throughout the planet and how it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with aliens.

HAGAN VO: And I’m currently wondering what he’d have done in other… just as obvious situations in history.

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in-front of The Hidenburg. Speech bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that it is in fact a large candle and man has not yet managed to fly’

Pic- DOCTOR ANORAX in Baghdad. (a’la Baghdad Bob/ Comical Ali the information minster from the second Iraq war) Speech Bubble. ‘It is my firm belief that the enemy are being killed in their hundreds by our glorious forces’

CRITIC: so as expected… mid speech the most ironic thing possible happens.

Clip- it is my firm belief…. in the universe… SPACESHIP OVER PENTAGON. SAD TROMBONE.

CRITIC DOES HIS SAD TROMBONE SHRUG.

HAGAN VO: I look at that spaceship and I just think… Doiiiiiiiiiiiiiii… anyway the secretary and the doctor get vacuumed up and I only hope that everyone in a 500 mile radius gets their memory wiped by the men in black because… fuck…

clip- doctor lands. Breaks. Oh nice job. He’s fucked.

HAGAN: wait, if they planted the doctor there to convince the world there were no aliens. Why did they decide to get him back LIKE THAT?!

CRITIC: how many more times? There was a car in space. Your question is invalid.

HAGAN: Its a fucking…

CRITIC: Invalid! Car! Space! Invalid!

HAGAN: I think I’ll go talk to someone capable of a more stimulating conversation.

HAGAN walks to back wall.

HAGAN: Hello, wall! Why do you think they vaccumm’d up the doctor? What? You don’t know? You think its fucking stupid? Well that’s 2 of us!

CRITIC VO:They also brought up this secretary, who the ships robot immediately falls in love with.

Clip- want a drink?

Clip- post sex. that was incredible.

CRITIC (As Robot): Thank you. Alas I fear my movements might have been a little… mechanical…

clip- transformers the movie. This is bad comedy.

HAGAN VO: How’d they have sex anyway? I’m guessing it’d be something like this.

Clip- space truckers. Charles Dances pull-string penis.

Clip- the ship flies off. Intro space. Past USS Enterprise.

CRITIC: what? Was that the fucking Enterprise?

Clip- flies past Enterprise.

CRITIC VO: its the fucking enterprise! Are the 40s, the present day, whenever the fuck that tial was happening AND the 23rd century all taking place at the same fucking time?! Time, doesnt work like that!

HAGAN: It could be flying back to capture some dolphins or some crap.

CRITIC: Shut up!

HAGAN VO: No. So the pilots get high in the least hygienic way possible and almost crash the ship while the robot and secretary almost instantly decide to get married… because funny.

Clip- It’ll have to be a Jewish wedding. Jewish wedding?

Clip- the house again.

CRITIC VO: I’m just waiting for that house to eat both of them. And itself.

HAGAN VO: It looks like the Amityville house. The Poltergeist house ate itself.

CLIP- You are the future who could destroy me.

CRITIC: This movie is just one long long villain monologue! From the greeny-glowy thing to the one who could destroy him… Here’s an idea, why not just melt her?!

HAGAN: or even better… glowy thing… you can fly. Why didn’t you just fly at her while she was asleep and melt her without talking to her?! (sigh) this things a crap… omnigenocidal… thingee.

Clip- look into me one final time.

CRITIC VO: for we have time for just ONE more story! The glowy thing crashes into a mountain on an alien desert planet, of course the locals… as in ALL the locals decide to go check it out. After all, Optimus Prime could be in there!

CLIP- ERUPTION. Guys covered in the lava stuff

HAGAN VO: Annnd the volcano’s vomitting. Okayyyy.

CRITIC: That’s not vomit, its green lava! Which means ALL THESE PEOPLE got melted!

CRITIC looks at counter. Number goes up until it explodes.

CRITIC cheers.

Clip- a hand reaches out of the green stuff.

CRITICS counter resets to zero.

CRITIC: Fuck! Now I’ve got to start all over again!

Clip- the guys hand out of the lava-snot.

HAGAN VO: Okay, the green-lava-mountain-snot-vomit… of evil mutated them but I gotta ask, how did his fingernails grow so quickly?!

Clip- death to all who oppose us!

PIC OF THE LEAD GREEN GUY DUB: Now… lets get chicken!

PIC OF OTHER GREEN GUY DUB: I’m a Vegetarian.

PIC OF THE LEAD GREEN GUY DUB: KILL HIM!

Clip- attack. People dying.

HAGAN: So that’s what Eternia would look like if Skeletor got his shit together.

CRITIC VO: So the army of evil attacks the nearest populated city, armed with everything from axes to lasers… to flamethrowers that fire harpoons.. so surely the leaders must have some plan, some weapon to beat back the hordes of evil on their doorstep.

clip- SILENCE!

CLIP- animated lord of the rings. I AM ARUMAN OF MANY COLOURS!

Clip- we are statesmen etc. Taarnac the defender. There’s one left. One can do much etc.

CRITIC: So why did you wait until their literally beating down your door…

clip- the army beating down door and killing guy in pink.

CRITIC VO: … And killing your pet Kojak the Librarian before you even bother to call them?! I’m sorry but this is looking a lot like natural selection guys.

Clip- take a clip from a film where somewhere is being destroyed by enemys. Dub on something like ‘why didn’t I remember, I had the ability to fight back until it was too late!?’ (I suggest Ents at Isengard in Te Two Towers but I’m sure there are better examples out there)

clip- we will call her together. Taaaaaarna. Taaaaaarna.

Clip- the mummy. Im-hooooo-tep. Im-hooooooo-tep.

HAGAN VO: And then miles away, on the other side of the very similar looking mountain and plains we have… FLYING…. HOOOOOO! ROTOSCOPING….. HOOOOOO! A GIANT FUCKING SKELETON…. HOOOOOOOOO! A SCIENCE FICTION SET DESIGNED BY DOCTOR SUESS… HOOOOOO!

Clip- taarna walks towards the camera. Takes off her cloak.

HAGAN: A giant-hawt-big-titted-warrior ho!

Clip- she walks towards the statue. Swims.

CRITIC VO: Is it just me or has this just turned into a commercial for the worlds most epic nudist colony?

HAGAN VO: Sensing that since we never actually saw the old guys who summoned her die and if she rushed then she might actually be able to save them she decides to spend the next 3 minutes putting on what she considers armour. Thigh high boots, a thong, a sleeveless bra, a belt and a single shoulder pad… if she’s so OK with being naked why bother change at all? That’s not going to do her any more good than being naked… in fact it might be less effective…

HAGAN: If she was naked she could just distract the enemy with her huge fucking tits.

Clip- to defend, this is the pact…. to avenge. Takes sword. Obvious joke incoming.

HAGAN VO: I am she-man! Big-titted mistress of killing shit! (or we write a better she-ra/ he-man parody)

clip- lightning.

CRITIC VO: So Taarna and her bird-thing make it to the city and what the fuck do you know… everybody’s dead.

Clip- everybody’s dead dave. Red dwarf.

Critic: I don’t even know where that clips from!

Clip- city.

HAGAN VO: Who would have thought that the old guys waiting until the enemy were breathing down their throat and her taking an ice-age to get dressed woulda resulted in everyone she’s supposed to protect being fucking dead? She tracks the mutants down to a… western style… sci-fi bar where everyone’s listening to… Devo…

clip- the band.

HAGAN: Weeeeeird.

Clip- where ya from baby. Dont talk much. Don’t need to talk for what I want. Punch. Maybe she wants to fight. Maybe she wants to take us all on.

CRITIC (impersonating the green guy) : Heh. I’m talking about rape. Didya… didya get that? I was talking about rape.

Clip- kills them.

HAGAN VO: Every time a guy plays a female warrior in dungeons and dragons, they play this woman. Just putting that out there.

CRITIC VO: She flies to the mutant camp but gets herself captured by their… random bird thing net… they had set up in case the main character from Joust attacked.

Clip- have her bound and brought to me.

Clip- flash gordon. Ming the merciless. ‘FOR OUR PLEASURE!’

HAGAN VO: She gets stripped naked, tortured and thrown in a pit with the cast of Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors but the mutants are good enough to throw her gear in with her so in no time she’s escaped and ready to kill the crap out the mutants! Who are of course good enough to send their leader out to fight her alone…

clip- fighting. TAARNA is about to hit the guy with his own chainsaw.

Clip- running man. THIS SAW IS PART OF ME. NEXT IM GONNA MAKE IT PART OF YOU.

Clip- stabs him with the chainsaw. And then punch.

CRITIC: It takes a special sort of hero to punch someone after killing them with their own chainsaw… a dick.

HAGAN: Ironic that.

HAGAN VO: She sits atop her noble bird-thing and faces the green-glowy thing head on… and proves that she once again.. has the power… because her castle of Grayskull moment earlier was apparently foreshadowing!

CLIP- nooooo. House explodes.

CRITIC: wait? What the fuck just happened?!

CRITIC VO: Did that things memory of being defeated just kill it… in the present?! And whys the girl now… Taarna… Is she Taarna reincarnated? Does just her being near the thing kill it? why’d it die twice? What the fuck?!

HAGAN: Listen, its simple.

HAGAN VO: Either she’s a reincarnation of Taarna and telling the story killed it.. for no reason… or it knew how it would be killed and decided to stop its fate by killing Taarna as a child.. and then exploded for no reason.

CRITIC: Neither of these makes any more sense than the other.

HAGAN:I said it was simple. I didn’t say it made sense.

CRITIC: This isn’t a movie! Its a series of clichés wrapped in a script! And its stupid!

CRITICS OVERVIEW:

HAGANS OVERVIEW: Personally, I like most of it. Yeah the linking story of the green-thing is a bit shit and ultimately makes no sense because its abilities change all the time and who the fuck even knows what happens at the end… because the last time I had to deal with a green-glowy orb thing of death I blasted it into fucking space! Where the Kruulaggs can deal with it… but I just went on a tangent there… some parts are very well done, especially the B52 section. And all of it, even in its worst bits are as imaginative as fuck. There’s a sequel which.. is like a middling to bad story in this one stretched to 90 minutes and talk of either a remake or another film coming soon. I hope its good.

HAGAN: Well that was fun, Critic. Want to take a look at Ralph Bakshi’s Fire and Ice?

CRITIC (green-screened into a car in space): I’m in a car in space. For the last time your question is INVALID!

HAGAN: Fine. I’ll go amuse myself with the cries of infants… (walks off)

CRITIC: I’m the nostalgia critic! I remember it so you don’t have to!

CRITIC IN CAR FLYS OFF. I suggest the end credits music is Radar Rider by Riggs because it was the car in space music from the movie.

Here’s the Second draft done by The Critic.

Heres the episode.